“Are we having a staring contest?” the human asked after a while, Lyra and Pinkie Pie sitting down in the grass, too, the latter petting Snowy Bumblebees the same way Archard pet Fluttershy.
“Cause if we are,” he continued, “I know I’m going to win. I was fourth runner up in my high school staring contest competition. You don’t have a thing on me.” He contorted his face to make a silly expression as he leaned forward and opened his eyes wider. Twilight only rolled her eyes in response and created a quick pop of magic in front of him, forcing him to blink.
“Hey! That’s cheating! Don’t be a sour puss because I won’t go with you to your hostel dungeon!”
“Yeah, well, this whole thing is ridiculous,” she muttered to herself. “Let’s just get back to the lab and–”
“No, I’m not going. Did you forget the whole reason why we’re sitting out here having a staring contest?” he asked. “I’m not moving.”
“Weren’t you just complaining about wanting to be sent home?” she asked suspiciously. “Why the sudden change in attitude? Are you just trying to make up excuses?”
“No, I just don’t like you specifically,” he said casually, laying down on his back in the grass. “Everypony else is fine, but I can’t say I very much like being around you.”
“Wait, really?” she asked, seeming a little hurt by the statement. She had a look of almost surprise on her face because of it, an expression that made Archard roll his eyes.
“Really really. I mean, what do you expect? You try to experiment on me, you act uptight and angry around me all the time, and you treat me like I’m dumb. I can hear everypony else calling me an idiot because you think I’m an idiot, and honestly, I can’t say I appreciate it.”
“I haven’t been treating you like an idiot!” she tried to protest. “I just think that–”
“The way you asked me to follow you to your lab yesterday? The tone of your voice made it seem like you thought I was just a small brained loser. I went along with it because I like to have fun, but I want you to know right now that I’m not the idiot you make me out to be, and I would appreciate you not doing that when I’m just trying to enjoy my time as I’m forced to be in Equestria. Now what were we doing? Oh, right, discussing how you cheated at our staring contest. Why was that, again?”
He he sat up and crossed his arms again, tilting his head. He fully expected an explanation from her on why she cheated. Instead, he got back a silent, blinking stare, one that looked like it was a cross between annoyed and ashamed of herself. She pointed her eyes down at her hooves and let out an annoyed huff of a breath, saying, “Yeah, well… I’m sorry.”
“Are you sorry?” the human asked skeptically.
“Yes!” she said loudly, exasperatedly, throwing her hooves in the air. “Can’t you understand that if a monster just randomly shows up in Ponyville, we can’t just let it loose and have to keep it contained? Especially after it said it could destroy the entire town!”
“Do you really not understand that that was a joke?” he asked her. “I said it would take a month because the implication was that I’d have to do it all by hand. Like how you tear a piece of paper? Except times a million for the thousands of homes that are here. That was such an obvious joke.”
“Yes, well–”
“And besides that, you were the one who tied me up before I even said anything. You already had every single opinion about me formed before you even met me. So don’t try to say it’s my fault for making jokes.”
“I said I was sorry, okay? Celestia, I don’t know what more you want from me!”
“Yeah, you said it, but it doesn’t sound like you mean it very much. Aren’t you supposed to be the Princess of Friendship? Cause you sure aren’t acting like you are.” He kept his arms crossed and stared at her with a scowl on his face. Twilight, in response, put her head in her hooves and screamed, the frustration she felt evident.
No creature said a word for a long minute until Lyra spoke up.
“Look, I’ll take the blame for it, okay?” she offered. “I was the one who wrote the book on humans, and everypony took that to mean that you were super scary when I was just trying to paint an accurate picture… even though humans are scary and should be regarded with fear and caution. But I mean, you’re not, so you’re okay. So maybe we can put this all behind us?”
“I’m willing to put this behind me,” Archard agreed, “so long as she gives me a proper apology. One that sounds sincere.”
“I already said I’m sorry once,” the mare shot back stubbornly. “I’m not gonna say it again.”
“I guess I’m not moving then.”
"Fine!”
And with that, there was more silence surrounding them, Twilight crossing her hooves as well as she stared back at the human, the competition seemingly resuming. The two of them stared right into each others eyes, and Archard went back to making the face he was before, his eyes wide open. Twilight squinted in irritation, and then copied his move a second later in an attempt to mock him. There was a look of focus on both the pony’s face and the human’s, the two leaning closer to each other as they stared. It was a long minute that no creature moved when Archard suddenly blew into the princess’s face, making her blink.
“Hey! Weren’t you just complaining about me cheating and making you blink? You’re doing the same thing now!”
“I thought you weren’t playing… but we can go if you want to,” he told her. “If you win, I’ll do whatever you tell me. And if you lose, you have to… leave me alone forever and make me a gigantic bowl of spaghettios before you leave.”
“No way, I’m not negotiating with you,” she said firmly. “You’re lucky I don’t just take you in my magic and drag you by the neck where I need you to go.”
“How am I lucky? Your magic doesn’t even work on me, so I guess that only leaves negotiating left to do. What do you say?”
“And then what if I win? What happens after that? I win and you say I also need to do ABC and XYZ and play and win fifty more games before I go with you?” She let out a humph with that and continued, “No way. I’m not gonna give into your dumb schemes.”
“Well I guess we could play the game of sitting here forever and ever and whoever stays the longest wins, but I already know for certain that that’s a game I’d win.”
Twilight frowned at that idea, turning her head away. After a while though, she said, “If I win at the staring contest, you have to come with me, okay? No trying to run off to the Everfree Forest or Fluttershy’s Cottage or anywhere else! You have to keep your word, and also let me do whatever tests on you that I want to do!”
“Well if you get to tie me up and do Hostel type experiments on me, then I get to tie you up and pet you and pet you and pet you until you give in and are never ever sad again, and you just have to lay there and deal with it.”
“Fine! It’s not like you’re gonna win anyway. I have practice with sitting and staring at things for hours. There’s no way you’re gonna come anywhere close to me.”
“If you say so. Whenever you’re ready, we can start. Or actually! Let’s get Fluttershy and Lyra to keep watch! And they can tell us when we blinked.”
“Fine by me. You’re still gonna lose.”
In a minute, Fluttershy was sitting next to Twilight to keep watch over her, and Lyra next to Archard to do the same thing. Both of them had their eyes closed, waiting for the signal from Lyra to start.
“Okay, on the count of three, you both have to open your eyes,” she explained. “Three, two, one… go!”
They both opened their eyes widely at the same time, Archard using his fingers to keep his eyes opened. A second later, Discord showed up, forcing Twilight to blink, the human just barely managing to avoid the urge.
“Why, hello everycreature,” the draconequus said with zeal in his voice. “How are all you wonderful ponies and humans doing?” he asked. “I hope Archard is doing well sitting here in Ponyville with us and not being back home where he belongs since he didn’t want to be friends with me.”
“I’m doing perfectly well, thank you,” he said with a smile. “You helped me win a staring contest with Twilight in about three seconds! That’s a new record!”
“That doesn’t count!” she protested. “You can’t count interruptions like that! We have to restart!”
“We can count it, because it wasn’t either of us that interrupted it. That means I win.”
“Come on, that can’t be fair! Lyra? Fluttershy? Guys? You agree with me, right?”
“It super duper extra does count, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie spoke up. “I know because I know every game! It’s even in the official rulebook for staring contests! See?” She grabbed a book out of thin air from behind her back for Twilight to read.
“I…” she said as she scanned through it, frowning at what she saw. “This can’t be official, can it?”
“Yup! It’s definitely official! It’s used by the official Staremaster’s Association of Equestria! Can’t get more official than that!”
“How does something like that even exist? Argh! Discord, this is all your fault!”
“Well, excuse me for wanting to pay visit to all of my best friends. Why look! Both Fluttershy and Archard are here! How convenient!”
“Hi, Discord,” Archard greeted again with a little wave. “Do you think you can send me back to Earth?”
“Well, I certainly can,” he told the human, “but as to whether I will, I certainly can’t say I’m feeling up to such a thing at this particular moment. I mean, after all, with the way you treated me yesterday, I can hardly say we’re acquaintances, let alone friends.”
“How exactly did I treat you yesterday that you think I basically hate you?” he asked. “I said we could be friends and that I didn’t want to party. I’m not exactly sure how unfriendly that is. Or maybe your understanding of friendship is just based off of faulty logic. I mean, with the way Twilight’s treating me–”
“I’m a good friend! Don’t make fun of my friendship skills!”
Archard shrugged, wearing a little smirk. “I honestly don’t see it, from either of you. But that’s a side point. I want my bowl of spaghettios for winning the staring contest before I say another thing to you.”
“You didn’t win! That was cheating! That doesn’t count!”
“The rulebook says so, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie told her. “You can’t just back out of an agreement like that! Especially not a bet! Bets are sacred, almost as sacred as a Pinkie Promise!”
“Yeah, well… I never said when I would make them, so I guess that means you need to come with me if you wanna have a chance at… whatever in Celestia’s name spaghettios are.”
“Nope, if you’re not gonna honor your agreement, I’m just gonna keep sitting here.” The mare opened her mouth to speak, but Archard interrupted her, continuing, “No. I’m not going with you. I was just explaining that you’ve been treating me like shit, and you’re still treating me like shit even after I told you that you were. You wouldn’t want anything to do with me if I acted like that to you, so don't act surprised that I don't wanna go with you.”
More silence came as the two sat there before Twilight finally spoke in a whisper, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my actions have made you feel–”
“Don’t be sorry about how you made me feel. Be sorry about what you did.”
The mare closed her eyes and let out a breath before restarting, “I’m sorry that I did not treat you with the respect that you deserve, and I will try my best to do so in the future. Can you please come with us so I study you and try to find a way to get you home?”
“Sure,” he shrugged, getting up and brushing his pants off before stretching and yawning. “Which way is Golden Oaks Library again? I can’t remember where it’s supposed to be.”
“Wait, you’re gonna come with me?” Twilight blinked in confusion. “Just like that?”
“Yup, just like that,” he said with a little smile. “You apologized and sounded sincere and said you would try to be better about not treating me like I'm a big dumb idiot. That’s good enough for me… as long as you cook spaghettios since you lost. But yeah. I guess you could consider this a little lesson in friendship.”
She grumbled and rolled her eyes, but before she could snap, she let out a breath and said, “Sure, I’ll cook you spaghettios, I guess. Now let’s go.”
"Sure thing. But don't forget that I also get to tie you up and pet you until all your sadness and troubles melt away. You're gonna be in for it now."