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// Chapter 4: This Would Never Happen If Ducks Had Guns 
// Story: The Mysterious Book 
// by Late Empire 
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“I’m sorry!” wailed Fluttershy, hovering behind the chandelier. Propelled by Twilight’s aura, another chair sailed gracelessly through the air and smashed to pieces on the creature’s face. “It showed up in Mrs. Quackerfoot’s pond! I think it followed me here!”

Twilight averted her eyes as the fourth bookcase crashed to pieces under a scaly, armored tail. The alligator had demolished most of the Romance and Historical Fiction sections, and was getting dangerously close to Political Science.  A number of angry ducks were still hanging on, bills rising and falling on its rotting tumorous hide as they pressed their assault.  

It didn’t seem to notice. Even worse, the library was running low on chairs.

“I can’t get it!” shouted Applejack, grimly hanging on to the alligator’s back.  So far her lasso work had only succeeded in tying its mouth shut.  Rope flew as she struggled to bind its stubby but powerful legs.  The alligator gave a tremendous lurch and rolled over, dislodging the ducks and pitching Applejack headfirst into the main circulation desk. With a sad crunch the desk collapsed in a snowstorm of receipts, library cards, stamps, and paper clips.

The alligator rounded on her, but received a tremendous nose-pummeling from a book stamp held in a light blue aura. “Get back, you horrible reptile!” shrieked Rarity, levitating a swarm of library supplies. A machine-gun stream of bookends forced it to retreat. “I have two more boxes of these!  And I’m not particular as to where I stick them!”

To make matters worse, in the excitement Rainbow Dash had started sneezing again. POP. Blueberries. Some kind of mechanical contraption drifted through the library, a tinny speaker playing martial-style music. POP. Blueberries. Pinkie chased two more of the giant roach things around the kitchen, driving them towards the basement door. She had run out of kitchen knives, and was now working her way through the spatula drawer.

There was a terrible ripping sound as the alligator forced its mouth open, tearing the rope off its snout. Freed, it snapped savagely and bore back down on Applejack, still dazed in her nest of smashed furniture.

“Hey, over here!” shouted Rainbow, giving it a buck to the side. She avoided the alligator’s crushing jaws by inches as it quickly turned and lunged at her. Just out of biting range, Rainbow squeezed her eyes shut and hovered, motionless. 

She appeared to be concentrating.

Sneeze. POP. Blueberries. She quickly snatched an object from the air.  It looked like a metal apple, with a fat cylindrical stem. The alligator lunged again, springing into the air, its jaws wide. With practiced ease, Rainbow tore the stem off and hurled the apple-thing into the monster’s throat. There was a wet choking sound as it swallowed, before crashing back to earth, claws scrabbling on the library floor.

Deciding the pegasus was too much trouble, it turned to face Twilight.  Murder shone in its mad yellow eyes as it charged; the library floor hissed and smoked under a rain of unspeakable saliva.  Twilight struggled to move, her horn sparking uselessly in terror.  

I’m going to die, she thought numbly. I’m going to be eaten alive, in my own home, by a giant alligator stamped PROPERTY OF PONYVILLE LIBRARY.  

Twilight shrank back as the horrible mouth opened again, displaying row upon row of stained and twisted teeth...

Now, Twilight considered herself a dedicated student.  Not only had she had weaved some of the most complex spells imaginable, she had boldly explored the peaks and valleys of friendship.  With her friends, she had faced down evil sorcerers, manic villains, and two-bit showmares.  Once, on a secret expedition to Griffinstone, she had even helped a wayward inventor mend his airship, possibly saving the entire future of Equestria.

Nothing, in all that experience, had prepared her for the sheer ear-splitting mayhem of an exploding alligator.

Worst, trapped in the bubble-like geometry of the library it seemed to go on and on forever; an endless warm, gooey wave of pureed reptile, bouncing wetly against the bookshelves of the Travel and Languages section, before curling back to sweep across the wooden floor all the way to Young Adult Fiction.  Twilight did her best to hang on to the floorboards as it thundered past.

Finally the alligator parts came to rest, and the assembled ponies waited for the ringing in their ears to subside.  Dash landed and fluttered her wings, looking smug.  Fluttershy bolted for the nearest open window; the distant sounds of retching drifted in.  Twilight and Rarity, covered nose to tail in alligator goo, just sat quietly and dripped.

“Ha!” said Rainbow, excitedly poking at her leg-device.  “That was nothing! Used that trick once in Fillydelphia, on a way bigger one. Took out half the building. I think it had been eating spark batteries.”

Twilight considered the state of the library. The new alligator-inspired paint scheme covered nearly every surface. A floating-speaker-thing hissed mechanically from the sink, where Pinkie had finally managed to drown it. One of the giant roaches dangled limply from the ceiling, impaled by a set of egg beaters, as its friends made a very noisy effort to eat their way out of the basement.  The remaining piles of crystal orbs, strange smashed pieces of technology, dangerous-looking weapons, and rotting trash completed the scene.

Rarity squelched over to Twilight and gave her a comforting, if wet, hug. “My dear, there is only one option left.”

“Come clean to Princess Celestia and ask for help?”

“Well, yes.  But also, plan to have your tea in the garden.”