A Kindled Change

by Darkevony

Chapter 6: Kindled Change

A week passed by without incident. The times before Fate and her Mistress seemed so long ago now, I had almost lost sense of my own moral obligation. What kept me from forgetting was a self-reinforcing cycle of thoughts. The thoughts of who and what I was. Even after I'd recovered and could get out of bed, I had not left Twilight's room in the entire time since I had arrived. The door of that bedroom seemed insurmountable in my mind. All I could do in my own capacity was to look through the window and peer at the pastel-colored world outside. All the camaraderie, all the gentle nature of those creatures... every pony helping one another, supporting each other in an effort to live happily. Creating, playing, and living their lives...

In truth, it was impossible to forget myself. The more I watched, the more distant that view became for me. The more I looked, the bigger the anxiety and sadness of my reality grew.

I would not let it show. I could not, for Twilight was perceptive, and I wanted nothing more of making her worry. She was too kind for her own good. I could see in her eyes just how much the stress of my situation was weighing on her. She was doing her best to balance the time she spent in her search for my identity with trying to keep me entertained and comfortable. It hurt her to see that I did not have the courage to even take a step outside, and it hurt me just as much to see the pity in her expression. Simply by existing, I was hurting the ones I cared for the most.

But I already knew that. Since I was born, it always seemed like that was the nature of my existence. Living with Fate and her Mistress... perhaps that was my lot in life.

She had tried so hard to hide it too. Always smiling, always reassuring me with white lies that they were making progress in finding my home. Efforts that were being wasted on me. She'd come home late every day with the bags under her eyes growing darker. Her body, expressions, and very soul could not hide her exhaustion or her sadness at her failure, as she'd slump into bed every night defeatedly. It was clear to see what my presence was doing to Twilight, and I was more mindful of that fact than anyone.

Twilight often consulted with her closest friends by asking for their advice and for help in her search. They would speak in hushed whispers from the living room, trying to be mindful of me and keep me from overhearing. But my hearing had been honed from a lifetime of living in the darkness, so her efforts were useless. She had tried only once to get me to meet them, but the involuntary traumatic terror and panic in my reaction to them made her reconsider. The very atmosphere and conversations they had after that were plagued with an air of futility.

Other than them, there was also Twilight's loyal scribe and friend, Spike, who would often deliver meals to my room and who most likely had received strict instructions and warnings on how to handle me. I had not overheard those conversations if they had happened, but it was plain to see how careful he was trying to be both in his words and in his demeanor, and it had taken a while for me to get even a little bit used to him in that weeks' time. Still, Twilight and I had made that effort since it would've been unavoidable in her home otherwise. Especially with her gone for a good part of the day in her search.

Even with that, however, our interaction was slim if any. Spike, much like Twilight, could not hide the emotions in his soul. I could read that little dragon's heart all too easily. He was obviously not happy with my arrival. Not only did my existence spell more work for him to do, but it also worried him endlessly about the effect I was having on Twilight. She'd told me about how Spike had been with her since he was first hatched. It was obvious how much he cared for her too. Even in his eyes, I could see the annoyance it brought him to have to be so careful around me despite all the negative changes I'd brought into his home.

It frustrated me not being able to apologize to them as sincerely as I wanted to. Beyond my voice being so inaudibly small and frail, I could not string the correct words in my heart into my speech. My voice and my thoughts would not match at all, no matter how carefully I tried constructing a sentence. I'd spent so long in complete isolation that it felt as though it had permanently damaged my ability to speak correctly. Even with Twilight's help, it had been a real process just to formulate a coherent string of words, let alone a sentence.

"Soup. Warm. Tasty." Was the first expression I was able to construct on the fourth day of the week since my arrival at Twilight’s home after having practiced extensively with her and on my own. Twilight's beaming smile had made me too embarrassed to say another word for the rest of that day, and I felt the turmoil in her soul lessen. But as the rest of the week dragged on and things only became that much more grim with time, that small moment had become like a raindrop in an ocean.

The turning point finally came on the final day of the week when the wear and tear of Twilight’s worry had become painfully obvious to everyone. That afternoon, her friends spoke to her with all the sincerity and seriousness afforded to them by their friendship. They sat Twilight down and began to reason with her about the things that worried her. They spoke about leaving for a city nearby to further their search. A place called Canterlot. The trip would probably last a length of time. Days or even a week at most by the sound of things. Twilight stuttered while she tried to rationalize it. More than anything, it hurt me deeply to hear the wavering in her voice when she teetered between going and not going. She was afraid to leave me on my own... As though my fears, my anxiety, and even my happiness were somehow her responsibility now.

Again, I was utterly disgusted with myself. As they spoke, I could only think of myself. I didn't want her to leave, even if it was for a short while. However, I’d felt my heart drop to my stomach the moment Twilight denied going. At that moment, I came to the realization of the week that had transpired and everything that happened during that time. I trembled and held back sobs at the thought that because of me... I had caged Twilight...

Much like I had been, back in the darkness...

A singular thought filled my mind then, echoing and repeating throughout almost every second of those days. The same thought from that first night I’d awoken in Twilight’s home. The same thought that had haunted me all throughout my stay. My moral obligation.

'I have to leave.'

For what had to be the first time, I added after that the three words I felt like I always wanted to say in my head but never could.

'For her sake.'

What a breath of fresh air that trifecta of words were. How heartening and bittersweet they must've been as they added to the knot in my throat and the welling up of sadness in my eyes. Oh, how they’d taken me back to the sight of those two birds springing into a flight and leaving the three young behind. It had always been as simple as that. The truth of this world. The truth for every living creature within it. We are all born to be free.

The timing could not have been worse, however. Twilight had walked into the sight of me struggling to keep myself together at that moment. I cursed how smart she was, as she quickly surmised that it had been caused by the conversation I was not meant to hear, and I cursed at my inability to communicate better when she misunderstood the origin of my sorrow. She hugged me tight and patted me on the back in her attempt to make amends for something she didn’t owe me.

"Sorry," I heard myself whisper. "So sorry," I repeated louder, doing everything in my power to not break down. "Twilight go. I... fine." I struggled as hard as I could against my brain and my voice. I struggled and struggled and struggled, but all I could say was sorry. Twilight didn't say anything at all while I labored to speak. She just patted me on the back and held me close.

"It's okay, it's okay. Don't worry. I'm not leaving you behind. I'd already decided that we'd go only once you were ready." She spoke gently and warmly in the silence that followed. Her voice had begun to waver towards the end of her sentence. "If anyone should be apologizing, it should be me. I said I'd find your home soon, but all my efforts weren't enough. I should've tried harder."

I shook my head with all of my might. "Mistake... mine. I... sorry." My words at that point had already fallen on deaf ears, and I could not say more. I’d felt a faint trembling come from Twilight's embrace. If I had, had even a shadow of a doubt before, it was all but gone then. If Twilight, her friends, and her town had taught me anything, it was that I no longer wanted to live just for myself. I didn't want to be a burden on another pony's life, to make others feel as I had felt in the disparity of my old world. Somehow, I had begun to rethink Fate's design. My very existence as a formless brought with it misfortune wherever I walked. If it had been Fate's will to keep me confined from the rest of the world... then in a twisted sense, I could finally understand its faceless and cruel nature.

With the emotion of that day finally dying down, we lay down to rest for the night for what felt like the final time. My thoughts were filled with plans for the future. Now it all seemed so muddy, so grey. The irony of it all was that I had once escaped what felt like a prison at the time, only to cage myself again once I'd found a place where I felt safe in. I realized that not only was I hurting Twilight by doing this, but also myself. To that end, I was no different than the creature I was yesterday. I had not changed even one bit. But now a fire raged within me. Like the one from my dreams, it is a violent flame that stirs at my very self. I want to change. Not for me, but for those around me. Not just my surroundings, but my very being. I want to change.

I fell asleep that night in a cold sweat as I thought of what I needed to do. I felt my heart hesitate at the answer that concluded every single question in my head. My now warring mind, body, and soul began to wrestle with that single answer I could only come up with as a solution.

I would go back and live the remainder of my life in the darkness of my old home. For everyone's sake... except mine.

That night, I had that same dream again. Surrounded by a hellscape and facing off against a turbid, powerful fire. I felt everything I'd felt before. The fear, the burning sensations, the elements blinding me and making it hard to breathe, everything. Yet this time, I felt the fire of my own soul light up and burn fiercer and stronger than those around me. I felt myself absorbing those very flames, heat and all.

I became an effigy of flame.

As I burn, I felt myself fade first into embers, then into the pitch-black all around me... into a familiar darkness.

I awake in the middle of the night feeling like I had not woken up at all. My whole body is sweltering hot, and I felt every inch of me burning up with a fever. My throat stings when I try to swallow my own saliva, and even moving my eyes hurt. It was hard to breathe altogether, and my mind was foggy and heavy. I felt as if I were being swallowed by an invisible monster, and the thought terrified me. Instinctively I mustered what little strength I had to reach out to Twilight only to be met with nothing.

She was not beside me. Far from it, she was tense, stiff, and looking into my eyes from the corner of the room as I turned to look at her. Immediately, her stare hit me with a sense of dread unlike any other. There was a sort of fear, distraught, concern, even disgust in her gaze. An unsettling intensity in her eyes, as though there was no end to internal conflicts in them that only adults could know. Although I could not recognize the emotions within them, I was very familiar with the look in her eyes. The same kind as Fate's Mistress...

The only thing in that room is an intense silence as her stare pierced right through me. I had been before the Mistress so many times that I had gotten used to the fear that, that kind of glare instilled in me. But perhaps because of my weakened state, now that glare felt unbearable. It felt like it had undone every good feeling I'd had in my life. As though this was the end of the world, in every sad, conceivable way. And all I could do was hide beneath my bedsheets and hope it would go away.

My body tensed up and began to ache. My throat tightened and my teeth pressed together, chattering with force. What was this feeling in my heart? This... solemn and overwhelming sadness... It did not feel like the time I was frustrated with myself when I couldn't reach that bird's nest. It did not feel like the time I’d prayed for a tomorrow, not knowing if one would come. It did not feel like any of the kind of sadness I felt all that week long.

This felt like true sadness.

What was happening? I can’t understand it. Why am I so distressed about the way Twilight is looking at me? I thought it was something I could handle, as I had bared it all before. But then... why was I so afraid, so frightened, so sad?

Suddenly, a small sound filled the silence. A small ringing that grew larger and louder in my ears. A voice. My voice. It sounded so distant from me, as though I was hearing it from so far away. My throat shifted and expanded to allow myself to breathe between all my tears and quiet sobbing. The tremor from my throat shook my bones until it reached my ears.

This sound... To hear it now... It only made me that much sadder, and I could not stop it now. My cries are so faint by how much I hadn't used my voice, barely even a squeak, but it was getting louder with each passing moment. I wanted it to end... I wanted it to end so badly. The more I cried, the more it felt like doing so would help, but crying only lead to more sadness in me, as if the sadness that plagued me were my tears themselves.

After many moments of crying, suddenly I felt my head be pulled onto a warm, familiar surface. Twilight's hug was gentle, and she held my head while I poured from my heart every awful feeling I’d swallowed in all that time. At the end of it all, my face was smitten with tears by the time I hiccupped the last of my cries.

"I'm so sorry little one." Her voice was shaky as though she had teared up as well. "I should have never thought of you as a monster," Twilight’s hug became tighter in her remorse. "How scared you must have felt meeting me and my friends... why you didn't want to go outside... It must have been too much to bear alone. I'm sorry I pushed you to this point."

I shake my head with all my might, struggling against my fever as it spun the world around me. "No... I am... mistake... I'm, sorry... So, sorry." I felt my words become more concise as I reached out to hug the purple mare back.

Twilight sniffed and she pulled back to meet my eyes. "You aren't a mistake. If you could cry like that, then you're no different from me." Her words comforted me to no end. I felt the weight in my heart lift a bit at her words. It’d been the first time I’d ever been told something like this. She finally smiled my way and laughed a bit weakly. "I really should've noticed it sooner. Guess I was busy with my own conclusion about things, huh? But a Changeling? A whole lot of weird stuff happens around me, doesn't it?"

A changeling... I knew the name. I had heard it many times from the Mistress before... That is what I was. I looked down to see my coat.

It is a pale black, like the time I had seen my reflection in the pool of water. It seems that whatever form I had changed into had vanished as I slept with fever. Formless... a race otherwise known as Changeling. I finally understood the way Twilight had looked at me earlier. It was the same kind of scared, confused conflicted emotion like with the two birds. My original form was reminiscent of Fate's Mistress, so it was no surprise that a single look at me in my true form could fill someone with that kind of emotion.

At this, I could finally piece together why I had felt the way I did before. About what I saw in Twilight's eyes, and why it struck me so frightening and so sad... I was afraid, truly afraid, and truly sad to think that she could come to hate me... She was reading me like an open book now, as it likely showed on my face that I still had that lingering doubt in my heart. Her embrace got a little tighter as if trying to ease me out of such a notion.

"It doesn't matter what you are. I'll take my chances on you, no matter what comes our way."

(Illustration by DamayantiArts on Deviant Art)