800 years ago…
Tea. A most wonderful concoction, originally birthed when a desperate earth pony boiled the ever-lovin’ hay out of several assorted grasses and leaves in an effort to produce the elixir of immortality. The resulting liquid was a dark brown, tasted like dirt, and may or may not have been poisonous to modern day ponies. Those were different times, however, and the flavor of dirt just so happened to taste marginally better than the alternative of disgustingly brackish water fetched from a stagnant well.
New Leaf recognized the potential in this fact and capitalized on it. Following his true calling (and living up to his name), he put aside all of his former vain efforts at deciphering the greatest mystery known to alchemists and began experimenting with drinks flavored by various leaves and grasses. Three years and thirteen hundred plants later, Leaf finally discovered a plant whose leaves both tasted good and did NOT give the drinker stomach pains.
His fellow villagers were quite surprised when the herb-gathering stallion began selling beverages along with his typical flora, but their surprise soon turned to appreciation upon trying the new drink. They begged New Leaf to share with them the secrets of his delightful concoction. When he refused, they pleaded with him to at least grant a name to the drink.
Being an academically minded being, Leaf had planned to name the drink after the plant from which it came (that being Tilia Platyphyllus) as well as himself. Unfortunately, just as he opened his mouth to vocalize this, a young zebra mare pushed her way to the front of the crowd and repeated the question the crowd had asked.
“Please, sir, do not keep us in suspense. I beg of you to tell us the name of this wonderful drink!”
As New Leaf had never before even spoken with a member of the female race, this abrupt and direct confrontation caused an eruption of several magnitudes within the stallion’s befuddled brain. From his confused stuttering at the pretty zebra before him (who definitely knew exactly what she was doing), the crowd only managed to hear the syllables “Ti” and “Leaf”.
Thus “tea leaves” were invented. The actual veracity of this story cannot be confirmed, but rumor says that the princess herself had been present during this exchange. Upon tasting the newly dubbed “tea” she had promptly married the hapless stallion and flirtatious zebra (who definitely had NOT intended to take it that far) on the spot!
Back in the present:
Shaking herself from her reminiscence, Princess Celestia took a small sip from her delicate teacup as she studied the flustered stallion before her. The recruiter True Blue looked exactly as she had expected. A unicorn with a pure white coat, skillfully styled mane of two-toned blue, and turquoise eyes which were darting every which way as if searching for some form of escape from the solar diarch of Equestria. Setting her teacup down with a solid *clink*, the princess put on her most regal smirk. The stallion before her gulped nervously at the ominous sound, glancing up and offering a nervous smile in return.
“My dear True Blue, we are most curious as to how your recruiting business fares. Please, enlighten us as to the goings on of your establishment. Spare no details, as we wish to know everything.”
“I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, the princess will find out everything and I’m. Going. To. Die.”
These were the thoughts currently plaguing True Blue as he sweltered before the imposing ruler of the sun. It did not help that they were seated in the outdoor area of the La Verite Revelee Café under the full sun with no breeze or cloud cover whatsoever.
(Several blocks away, a certain prismatic weather captain was spewing a torrent of near-profanities as the thirty-seventh cloud she had created melted into nothing in under a minute. As skilled as Rainbow Dash was, even she could not combat the vengeful presence of the sun incarnate herself.)
Clearing his throat, the panicking True Blue managed to put on a semi-confident expression as his brain worked feverishly to come up with an acceptable explanation. Lying was not his forte, but with a little luck he just might be able to talk his way out of a death sentence.
“I, er…, of course, your highness! It would be an ho—great honor to share with you the details of my humble recruiting agency.”
As the words flowed from Blue’s muzzle, he began to regain a portion of his usual confidence.
“I have been operating all across central Equestria, identifying and targeting young individuals who display a propensity for standing still for long per—I mean, great potential for Guard related… duties. I make regular trips to nearby cities such as Baltimare and Manehatten, as well as smaller settlements like Appleoosa and of course my home base of Ponyville. Considering the number of ponies which I have recruited over the last year, I would say that the recruitment business is going quite well, your highness.”
As far as unscripted speeches go, this was one of Blue's best. Sure, every word of it was an absolute falsehood, but it should be believable enough for the princess. This did describe exactly what Blue had been doing prior to his discovery of "a better way", after all.
Of course, it pained the unicorn greatly to lie directly to the beautiful face of his ruler. It was for her own good though. The princess would be rather displeased if she discovered the recruiter's actual methods.
No, strike that. The princess would be absolutely furious if she even began to suspect what methods True Blue employed in his efforts to provide Equestria with loyal soldiers ready to die for their country. He would be banished so fast that not even Pinkie Pie could see it coming! (This is an exaggeration. Pinkie would most definitely know all about his banishment well before it happened. She is Pinkie Pie, after all.)
Blue finished up his cover story with a confident smirk as he even braved taking a sip from his own cup of tea. *bleh!* His smirk devolved into a light frown when he tasted the liquid, having forgotten to add any sugar in his initial nervousness. As the seconds ticked on, True Blue’s ears flattened when the princess of magnificence failed to give any response to what he thought was a perfectly acceptable speech. His expression wilted completely when Celestia sighed and clicked her tongue in exasperation.
“Tsk tsk. True Blue, what am I to do with you?”
The poor unicorn cowered away from the princess as she donned a stern expression. The very air around them grew heavy and humid. The sun’s heat suddenly grew to a blistering level, causing Blue to let out a rather high-pitched whimper. All around them, the other café tables emptied in quick succession, the local residents taking shelter inside from the uncomfortable warmth of a sun avatar’s disappointment.
In Celestia’s mind all was playing out as she had envisioned. “Ha, the stallion can’t keep up that confident front before me! I see through your deceptions, True Blue. You’re a cad! A bigoted unicorn who believes in the superiority of white-coated, blue-maned stallions, just like my foolish nephew. I cannot believe that ponies such as yourself still exist, favouring only those like themselves who possess pure ancestry, perfect poise, defined muscles, flowing manes, handsome fac—*ahem*
Nevermind all that. I will get you to confess to your biased methods, targeting only those ponies who look the part. Let’s see. How about I turn the heat up, eh? Add fifteen, maybe twenty degrees to the air surrounding us. That will make you nice and sweaty. Perhaps that will get you to confess faster!”
Taking one final sip from her tea, the princess frowned at the quivering stallion before launching her tirade.
“I do not believe you grasp the gravity of this situation, My. Little. Pony. I have seen the records. I have counted your numbers. We know exactly what is going on here you bigot!”
True Blue’s mind was whirling, his thoughts everywhere and yet nowhere! The sounds of the outside world had dimmed, his focus only on the crushing words of his accuser, his executioner, his princess. The smell of singed fur reached his nose but his brain did not register it.
All was lost now. The princess had discovered his fraud and had come to administer his punishment. Never mind that there were no written records of what he had done. Never mind that there was no possible way for anypony in the know to have betrayed him. Never mind that—wait…
Nervousness was momentarily replaced with confusion as Blue scrunched up his face at the unexpected word. “Er, did you say bigot?”
His confusion was only further compounded as her royal highness, the solar princess of Equestria, proceeded to lecture him on the value of each and every pony, no matter what their background or appearance. As she continued with her misguided (though perfectly rational) accusations, True Blue slowly began to understand how such a misunderstanding had occurred. A new panic arose within him, as well as a new trail of thought. Namely, how to persuade the princess that he was innocent of what she assumed while carefully avoiding the discussion of what he was actually guilty.
One terrifying lecture later:
“I’ve got him now!” thought the benevolent ruler of Equestria, barely containing a devious grin that would have made even Nightmare Moon balk. “Just one more little push and threat and this handso—*ahem*—haaapless stallion will reveal all of his secrets. Now, my little pony, CONFESS!”
Meanwhile, Blue was indeed panicking, though it was for a very different reason. “Why, WHY?! WHY DIDN’T I REMEMBER TO CHANGE THEIR COAT COLORS? It’s not a very difficult spell. It’s not even illegal!”
“…and so, based on the evidence that I have seen with my own two eyes, I am left with little choice but to conclude that you, military recruiter True Blue, are discriminating against other types of ponies solely due to—”
“COUSINS!”
“…I beg your pardon?”
“They’re—” Blue squeaked and cleared his throat. Eyes darting to and fro, looking anywhere but at the Princess’s illustrious face. “They are all my cousins, your highness.”
An awkward silence descended upon the pair. True Blue still refused to make eye contact, nervously fiddling with his teacup. Sweat poured down his askew collar, glistening as it steadily evaporated in the sweltering heat. Finally, the princess ended the quiet with a light cough.
*ahem* “Your cousins?”
“…yes.”
“All of them?”
“Yes, your highness.”
“Every single one?”
True Blue gulped. Here he was before the ruler of all Equestria, the most powerful pony in existence (or so he thought), the very being who raised the sun every morning, and he was lying to her. “I should stop now. I need to tell her the truth. It’s not like I’m doing much wrong anyways. It’s only a bit of illegal use of mind magic, illegal exploitation of an unknown magical phenomenon, illegal hoarding of weaponry, illegal falsification of government documents, illegal magic-for-profit tax evasion…” The almost hyperventilating stallion drew in a shuddering breath. This truly had to stop NOW. He opened his mouth to confess the truth and…
“Pretty much. We have a very widespread family.”
AAAARRGGHH!! WHAT AM I DOING?! WHY DIDN’T I CONFESS!?
Donning a confident smirk, Blue continued, “We’re prone to military-related cutie marks as well. Since I know all that quite well, it makes my job rather easy. I just need to ask around at every family reunion and see who’s interested.”
I’m such a coward. I wish the ground would just eat me right now.
“Actually, I have a pegasus friend whose family is in a very similar position. Most of the pegasi recruits come from them.”
Aaaand now I’ve dragged Firm Feathers into this as well. Stupid, STUPID PINHEAD! How could my father give birth to such a dunderface?!
“If you would like to speak with him as well, your highness, I could certainly fetch him for you. He’s usually available at this time of day, napping or lounging around Ponyville Park.
Giving out personal information with which he can easily be identified as well. I see, nice going Blue. At least you didn’t outright say his—
“His name is Firm Feathers!”
…I hate you so much brain.
My Dear Twilight,
I realize this is rather short notice, but I must ask you to be prepared for one more to join us at this afternoon’s tea. The business which brought me here to Ponyville has taken an unexpected turn. Indeed, I am quite perplexed. Perhaps I have misunderstood something and acted rashly, thus offending one of my subjects without cause. This, however, I doubt. Something strange is occurring in this town, and it all revolves around a stallion by the name of True Blue.
Please ensure that Applejack wears her Element of Honesty to our gathering. The stallion True Blue will be in attendance, and we have a great need to confirm that he speaks the truth. I will see you soon, Twilight.
In hopes of uncovering the truth,
Princess Celestia