//------------------------------// // An Comhrac In // Story: Gan Teideal // by Vedavyasa //------------------------------// Kevin stared at the Princess, confused. “He gave you his name Kevin. His true name, for free. When he said that names have power, he wasn’t lying. You could summon him to you wherever you are, whenever you please. He wouldn’t have given you that power if he didn’t know you would need it.“ Kevin shrugged. “He wanted to make a deal, he gave me his name so I could tell him if I change me mind.” Celestia shook her head. “No, Kevin. You could do that without his presence. All you would have to do is say the words aloud and he would know. Either you’ll need his help at some point, or he wants to talk to you without me present. Either way, he intends to take advantage of you in some manner.” Kevin laughed. “He’ll find a tough nut to crack then, now that I know what he’s tryin’.” Celestia sighed, weariness in her voice. “You don’t understand. He knows what will happen. Time may be linear for you and me, but he can be whenever he wishes. I suspect he’s already seen your entire life here in Equestria, however long that may be. He knows things we don’t. The odds are in his favour.” “Well he should save his victory speeches for later,” Kevin muttered, “I’m not takin’ any bargain from him. I don’t trust him.” “Good,” replied Celestia, “you shouldn’t. He’s never straight forward. In fact, he was being extremely direct today. Normally he would have refused business until we had talked for nearly an hour. He also didn’t try very hard to trick us. He has a plan, Kevin. You are a part of that plan. I would guess that sometime soon, you will need help. You’ll panic, and he’ll expect you to summon him. If you don’t, he’ll appear anyway. He’ll offer you exactly what you need, and name his price after the fact to try and force you to pay.” “Well that’d be pretty fuckin’ low of him.” “But it’s also perfectly in character for him. Fairness doesn’t concern him, only results. Underhanded tactics are his standard fare,” Celestia replied, sounding frustrated. Kevin guessed that she had learned all of this through experience. “So what should I do then?” the human asked. “Prepare yourself, “Celestia began, “do your best to ensure you won’t need his help. Stay out of trouble, legal or otherwise. Don’t push your magic too hard, or he’ll offer to make you more powerful, or maybe he’ll offer his knowledge of using magic. Try to find work, or he’ll offer money. Don’t give him any openings, or he’ll take them.” Kevin snorted. “In other words, I’ve got to get properly paranoid.” “Yes,” Celestia said with a chuckle, “that’s one way of saying it.” Kevin’s eyes widened. “Fuck me!” he exclaimed, stomping his foot. Noticing Celestia’s confusion, he explained. “I had questions for that bastard, and I never asked.” “I doubt he would have answered you,” Celestia began, “he seemed rather intent on leaving once you refused his bargain. He would have set his prices far too high.” Kevin thought for a moment. “I need a drink,” he decided, “no, fuck that, I need a dozen.” Celestia smiled, and nodded towards the door. The two exited the room, and as Celestia walked back over to her cushion her horn glowed. A large green bottle appeared on the table, a small glass on either side. Lowering himself to the floor, Kevin examined the bottle before removing the cork and taking an experimental sniff. “Is this absinthe?” he asked. Celestia nodded, and Kevin poured two small measures of the pale green liquid. The two raised their glasses in a silent toast, and slugged them down. Kevin sputtered and coughed at the fire in his throat, but Celestia only smiled and licked her lips. “I had this specially made for me a few decades ago, and the distiller surprised me by delivering nearly a thousand bottles. I’ve grown rather fond of it over the years.” “Quite strong,” Kevin wheezed, much to Celestia’s amusement. “Seventy-six percent alcohol by volume to be precise. Just enough to tickle the throat, I find.” “And you have how many bottles of this?” Kevin asked, his voice a little scratchier than normal. “Several hundred I would say,” Celestia replied with a grin. Kevin glowered. “I am so unspeakably jealous right now.” Celestia nodded, and her horn glowed for a moment. Another bottle appeared, this one with an ornate green wax seal over the cork. “Consider this to be my apology for my manipulations.” Kevin grinned in acknowledgement as he poured two more measures of the strong drink. Twilight was tired. Her visit to Rarity’s boutique was nice, but the fashionista pony always insisted on her friends trying on several dozen dresses as they talked. The sun was beginning to set, and right now Twilight wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep. When she opened her door, however, all thoughts of her nice warm bed quickly left her mind. Celestia was chuckling, still sitting on her little cushion. Kevin was splayed out on the floor giggling incoherently to himself. She noticed a nearly empty green bottle on the table, and she groaned. “Is that what I think is, Princess?” Celestia nodded. “You do realise he’s going to hate you in the morning right?” Celestia giggled lightly, and nodded again before standing. “Yes Twilight, but it was his own decision to drink so much. I believe he grossly underestimated my alcohol tolerance.” Twilight sighed. It was nearly impossible to get an Alicorn drunk; they simply processed their drinks too quickly. She remembered learning that lesson the hard way on her nineteenth birthday. “How did the ritual go?” she asked. “Surprisingly well. Kevin seems to understand the basic workings of magic, and he has already formed his first spell. You are tasked with instructing him further, as well as helping him to build a foci. Please try to keep him away from the more dangerous types of magic; he’s demonstrated willingness for violence once already. I must return to Canterlot.” After a series of polite goodbyes between Twilight and Celestia (with the occasional giggle from Kevin for good measure), the Princess disappeared in a flash of brilliant white light, leaving Twilight to take care of the drunken human. For his part, Kevin was doing his best to sing a song. She occasionally heard a glimpse of the tune, but the only words she could clearly make out were “drunken lullabies”. She trotted over and prodded him with a hoof. No response. She said his name. No response. She continued to prod him and call his name for nearly five minutes until Kevin sprang up, stumbled, and nearly fell back down. After steadying himself, he determinedly staggered toward the door. “Where do you think you’re going?” asked Twilight. The human craned his neck around and treated Twilight to a deliriously happy grin. “A bar!” “I don’t think so,” Twilight declared. Twilight opened the door of the nearest bar to allow Kevin to stumble in past her, forcing down a sigh of resignation and frustration. The bar was almost full, only three cushions left at the far end of the room. Kevin made for them, and so Twilight followed. After a roundabout journey, they finally made it and sat down. Before Twilight could speak, there came a familiar voice from behind her. “Twilight! I thought you were going home to get some rest?” “Oh, hello Rarity. That was the plan, but then Kevin decided a bar sounded like a fun time,” the young unicorn replied. The human giggled at the mention of his name, but said nothing. “Ah, I see,” said Rarity. “Public intoxication, how uncouth.” “Uncouth?” The human nearly yelled, “’S’not my fault I aint a prissy bitch.” “Excuse me?” asked Rarity in a sweet tone, but the temperature around her seemed to drop several degrees. Twilight coughed nervously. “You ‘eard me,” Kevin said, “or do you prefer stuck up cunt?” Twilight froze, along with every other pony within hearing distance. “Kevin,” Twilight ventured, “maybe you should be a little more respectful?” The human chuckled, but kept his eyes glued to Rarity. “Respect’s earned, not given. Way I ‘member it, this little thing was too bloody terrified to say a word last time I saw her. I don’t respect cowards.” Twilight opened her mouth, but Rarity cut her off with a wave of her hoof. “Coward? Dear sir, this coward has been involved in saving Equestria on no less than three occasions. Surely that deserves respect?” Kevin snorted, but said nothing. “Hmph. A barbarian such as yourself surely wouldn’t understand. I see I’ll be best appreciated elsewhere. Farewell.” With that, Rarity turned and stalked over to another group of ponies. “That was a bad idea,” muttered Twilight. Kevin looked at her with what could be considered confusion, and so she explained. “Rarity doesn’t look like it, but she’s a fighter. First night I met her, she bucked a manticore in the face. I’ve seen her take on six changelings at once and take them all down without using magic.” Kevin chuckled. “And? When’s the last time she stared down the barrel of a gun? Or had someone go at her with a knife? Show ‘er some real fightin’ and she’ll lose it.” Kevin reached in to his pocket and took out his straight razor. “This little beauty’ll scar her for life if she fucks with me.” Twilight glared at the human, and plucked the razor from his hand with her magic. There was a small flash, and the razor disappeared. “Only if you go back to the Library and find it,” she replied. Kevin looked annoyed, but shrugged. “Aint worried,” he mumbled, but Twilight noticed his eyes never left the general direction of Rarity. “Heeeyyyy Twilight Sparkle! There’s my mare!” called out a voice. Kevin and the unicorn both turned to find another white unicorn walking towards them. “Hello Vinyl,” Twilight replied, “are you the DJ tonight?” “Nah” Vinyl answered, “just chillin’. Who’s monster boy here? He’s been the talk of the town all day.” Kevin giggled at that. “Me name,” he answered before Twilight, “is Kevin.” “Well Kevin,” Vinyl began, “watch your flank. Rarity is popular with the stallions around here. They’re gonna be pissed at you for talking to her like that.” Kevin raised a fist threateningly as he answered. “Let ‘em come! Aint a Scotsman born that’ll back down from wee little ponies!” A hoof tapped Kevin’s shoulder. He turned around to see a massive white pegasus with stunted wings standing there. “YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” Kevin had time to blink before the tremendous example of a pony body checked him half way across the room. “You aint no wee fuckin’ pony!” he yelled, grabbing a bottle from the nearest table and throwing it sidearm at the colossal pony. It shattered against the stallion’s chest, and he looked down for a moment. Looking up, he smiled before swatting a bottle back at Kevin. Kevin tried to duck and ended up falling flat on his face. He stayed there for a moment, but there was no sound of a bottle breaking. The human looked up to see the bottle held in midair halfway between him and the massive stallion, surrounded by a faint aura of blue magic. “So uncouth.” Rarity walked over to the large stallion and glared at him. “Leave,” she said, and the stallion bowed his head and walked out the door. Rarity then turned to Kevin, who was scrambling to his feet. “You as well,” she said calmly. Kevin shook his head, and Rarity narrowed her eyes. “Leave, or I shall remove you. Nopony here wants to deal with a drunken brute.” Kevin grinned, raised a closed fist, and slowly raised his middle finger. Rarity looked baffled for a moment, and so Kevin verbalised his sentiment. “Fuck yourself. Or, to be more proper, fornicate yourself bitch.” Kevin settled himself into an approximation of a fighting stance, and pointed a single finger at the fashionista. He crooked his index finger in an unmistakable “come get some” gesture. Rarity sighed, sounding almost sad, and sauntered over to stand in front of Kevin. Kevin moved first, throwing a clumsy but strong right hook. Rarity barely moved to dodge the blow before stepping inside Kevin’s reach and shoving hard on his stomach with a hoof. Kevin started to fall backwards, and rocketed his left leg toward Rarity’s face to try and make her step back. She didn’t. Instead, she swung her still raised hoof down and met the steel toe of his boot. Kevin’s foot stopped with a resounding crack. Kevin let out an oof as his back hit the ground, and he blinked at Rarity’s no-sell. “I will ask once more. Please leave,” the unicorn stated, unnervingly calm. Kevin raised his hands and stood, but as soon as he reached his feet he grabbed a random pony and shoved him into Rarity. “Round two!” And so began the brawl. Rarity lightly sidestepped the inbound pony, who crashed in to a table, knocking over several ponies drinks. The pony closest to him shoved him again, standing and growling a challenge. All across the room, friends of the involved ponies (and several ponies who simply appreciated Kevin’s attitude) stood and faced other ponies. For a split second, it was quiet. Then hell found its place in Ponyville. Kevin spat in Rarity’s direction, and in response the white unicorn charged. All across the room ponies began throwing kicks and punches, some throwing bottles. Vinyl Scratch leapt on to the bar and screamed “R-R-R-Rumble!” before jumping down on to a random pony’s back and dragging her to the floor. Kevin made to dodge Rarity, but the unicorn changed direction with nigh-unnatural speed and landed a heavy left hoof directly on Kevin’s chest. The human grunted and retaliated by grabbing and swinging a table at her. Rarity tried to step away, but the table was large and it impacted full across her side. Before he could attack the now downed unicorn, an earth pony stood in front of him. He was nearly as big as the white pegasus, but seemed to be much calmer. “Eenope,” he said calmly before flicking his hoof and throwing another table directly at Kevin. The human had no time to do anything but wonder what just happened when the table smashed into him and knocked him down. Frantically rolling away from the red behemoth, Kevin quickly found himself lost in a sea, or perhaps just a small pond, of angry ponies. At one point he dodged a pony yelling “check please!” before Vinyl came out of nowhere and body checked him through a window. The DJ pony yelled “alright then!” before bouncing off into the crowd. Kevin eventually found his feet again and popped up. Immediately three quarters of the room stopped and stared at him. He had the sudden flash of insight that Vinyl had been correct. Rarity was very popular, and every single one of her friends in the building (aside from Twilight, out of sight behind the bar) was after his blood. He ran through a quick mental checklist. Drunken bar fight? Check. Most of the crowd against him? Check. All he needed was his buddies and he would be home. “Let’s go then!” he called, picking up a bottle and glancing around to see who would be coming after him first. Not a pony moved, aside from a few small fights still going on the far end of the room. “No takers?” he asked. A hoof set on his shoulder again, this time dark blue. Kevin grimaced, and turned to find a very angry looking winged unicorn behind him. He idly noted a passing resemblance to Celestia before her horn lit up and everything went black.