//------------------------------// // 4: Vs. Diamond Tiara // Story: Funkin' Friendship // by Goldstar //------------------------------// Boyfriend and Girlfriend woke up, ready to get out of bed. “I’m so excited Boyfriend. You’re going to rap for the school ponies. Just remember, be nice and keep the profanity down.” “Beep boop bop bep.” He said, confused at what just came out of his mouth. “Err... Boyfriend? This isn’t one of your rap battles back on Earth.” “Skdoo bep boop bop?” “Use your actual words.” “Bop skdoo bep boop beep?!” “I’m getting worried. If this is a joke, it’s overstayed its course. I know you sometimes talk like this on purpose to piss off your opponents. Umm... I feel weird.” Girlfriend noticed her rear legs were very, very long, reaching far out of the bed. “Oh my god! What happened to my legs?! I know some people back home told me I’m legs for days, but this? This is a joke! You think we got pranked by a unicorn spell? In fact, we should ask Twilight. Although I’m going to have trouble getting these legs to move. Oh, I know! I’ll just ask a pony outside of our house to go fetch Twilight for us.” “Beep!” Boyfriend said happily. “Great, it’s a plan!” With some trouble, Girlfriend finally made it to the entrance. She spotted a gray pegasus with blonde colored mane and tail flying close to the ground. “Hey, you!” The mare came to a landing on the ground, very nearly having crashed. Girlfriend noticed the mare’s eyes going in different directions. “So, my boyfriend and I are having an issue. My legs are way too long and he can’t speak properly. I would go to Twilight’s treehouse, but that’s going to be too much effort. Can you go fetch me for her? Miss...” “Derpy Hooves. Don’t worry, I got it, but then I need to get back to my mail delivery.” Girlfriend waited. At some point, she heard “Whoops, my bad!” in the distance, while an angry sounding mare yelled at Derpy. Another few minutes later, Twilight teleported to appear right in front of Girlfriend, catching her off guard. “A little warning next time?” Girlfriend asked, annoyed. “Sorry, I’m just used to teleporting where I need to be if I means I don’t need to strain myself walking as far. Soon I’ll get used enough to teleporting where I don’t have to walk at all, just to show off how great my magic is. Anyway, what seems to be the problem... What happened to your legs?” “You tell me.” “Hmm...” Twilight almost started to drool over looking at Girlfriend’s legs. “Reminds me of Celestia’s legs, but longer, and probably great for purposes...” Girlfriend almost slapped Twilight, but thought better about that after how Twilight handled the Ursa Minor last week. “I told you I’m off limits to all but Boyfriend!” “Sorry...” Twilight heavily blushed. “You’ve been infected with Poison Joke. It causes strange things to happen.” “Like how Boyfriend is stuck only being able to talk in rap sounds? Do you have the cure?” “I’ll need to go visit Zecora for that. She loves to speak in rhythm, which would be excellent in a rap battle, if she ever got in one. But I’ll settle for being probably the most powerful unicorn in Equestria.” “Isn’t that the boasting we didn’t like from Trixie?, coming out of your mouth?” “I can back it up unlike her. I do hope she comes back, we could study magic together and I could raise her into my harem... I mean... I’m getting the cure now, bye!” Twilight teleported away before Girlfriend could reply. Twilight returned a few minutes. “You’ll need to take a herbal bath. Problem is how your legs won’t fully fit in without getting a really big tub. Well, I might have to get a tube for dragons, but with no lava.” “You give Spike lava baths?” Girlfriend asked. “Nope, too dangerous for me. I’m sure he’ll handle lava just fine, but I’m trying to keep the number of accidents down to zero. Once I got the bath ready, I’ll leave you two alone since it probably won’t be an innocent bath and I rather not further Girlfriend’s wrath.” “I don’t get it Pinkie,” Twilight said, while she and Pinkie lied next to each other in Twilight’s bedroom. A couple of hours passed since Twilight got Boyfriend and Girlfriend the cure for Poison Joke. “We did everything right up till the point where we faced Nightmare Moon. I made a big deal about the Elements of Harmony and the books said that they were how we were supposed to win. But at that point, they didn’t work. Did the Princess make a mistake?” “Oh Twilight, I wouldn’t look that deep into it. The Elements didn’t come with a manual on how to use them. It’s not like the Princess would willingly send us into a losing situation. She cares too much about her subjects, especially you, to do that.” “I just hope so. I... I’m so stupid! I should have known a rap battle would be the only option! I’ve studied history. Star Swirl the Bearded was quite the rapper back in his days and very good at magic, of course, but I didn’t think we would have to defeat Nightmare Moon that way.” “Good thing Boyfriend and Girlfriend shown up when they did. The timing was so perfect it’s almost like... they arrived themselves to save us.” “But why would they do that? It sounds like they had no idea of Equestria existing before they ended up here. They said Girlfriend’s dad sent them here, but even that doesn’t add up based on what we know.” “Don’t overthink it silly! It’s not like Princess Celestia is secretly a troll or something. Although if I ruled for over a thousand years, I might get bored too. Okay, she probably is a troll, but what can you do?” “I don’t know. What if she banishes me and locks me up in the place she banishes me to, just for asking?” “I don’t think she’s an evil troll.” “I hope you’re right. I know asking how you function is about as easy to figure out how anything exists at all, but why did you fall for me so easily?” “Because nerds are hot! When I first met you, I knew you would be interested in making marefriends. You are so adorkable after all. The way you smile, how excited you get over your interests, and how much of a big brainy pants you are, are very attractive traits.” “Surely another mare wants to join my harem by now. Ever since I got here it’s just been us two. Not to discredit you because I do get butterflies in my stomach over you.” “That’s so cute and I love that about you!” Pinkie leaned in closer to kiss Twilight on the lips, holding it for about twenty seconds. “You make me not regret being in this town where I’m easily the smartest pony here.” “Don’t get a superiority complex unless you want to limit your harem to just mares like Trixie.” “I’m trying, but it’s hard to be humble when I’m not on the same level as most of the other ponies here, or in Equestria for that matter.” “Luckily for you, I’m a very patience pony.” Meanwhile, way back on Earth during the same night of Boyfriend’s and Girlfriend’s disappearances, two demonic parents were frustrated. Both were humanoids with light purple skin color. “You’re the one who banished Boyfriend after you couldn’t accept your L’s” Mommy Mearest said. “He upstaged every attempt I made against him. I can’t stand how our daughter is into that punk. I even tried to play up the fact Boyfriend dated a dude once and Girlfriend didn’t mind.” “We had our shot, although I did a much better job trying to stop him. You barely gave him a struggle compared to me. I even challenged Boyfriend on a speeding limbo on the longest road ever with zero breaks for three songs in a row. I even lost some backup dancers who paid no attention to the signs that hit them.” “Good thing we have as many of them as Tankman has soldiers.” “Why were your raps so crap anyway?” “I was his first real opponent since him and Girlfriend started dating. My hands were tied, okay? I wasn’t allowed to be hard. Had we switched places, I would have rapped much better than you.” “Too bad for you, I’m the better rapper. Do you even know where Girlfriend is, Dearest?” “I was trying to banish Boyfriend to off planet, where he would surely die in the vacuum of space. Maybe he has.” “I felt interference as you casted that spell. You should have known Girlfriend would follow him.” “Stupid, stupid! Now we need to find out where they are. Any idea who hijacked my spell?” “Doesn’t seem to be anyone from on Earth. Whoever did so, they’ll wish they kept to themselves.” “Yes! And it won’t be a rap battle, it’ll be a massacre.” “If Girlfriend is found dead, I’ll kill you myself!” “Knowing those two, they’ll survive stupidly dangerous situations. It’s almost like the brat can just simply rewind back time or something if he fails at a rap battle. But he doesn’t have any powers based on what I learned from stalking him.” “I’m going to try a locator spell.” “I tried already. Of course I want to keep tabs on our baby girl at all times. Either her signal is too far or she’s dead.” “For your sake, it better be the former. But that means she’s off world somewhere. We’re going to other magicians, as much as I hate outside help, and we’re going to fix your screw up!” Back in the present day, Boyfriend and Girlfriend were on their way to the only school in Ponyville that also only had one classroom and teacher. The mostly fillies and few colts were playing outside during their lunch break. All was not going well a couple of fillies were harassing three others. “Blank flanks, blank flanks!” Diamond Tiara teased. “It’s a wonder you’re not failing in school with no special talents.” “Buzz off Diamond!” Scootaloo threatened. “Or else what? Use your useless wings? How pathetic is that? You can’t fly. It’s like being an unicorn who can use magic.” “Quit it!” Apple Bloom stepped in. “It’s not her fault her wings don’t work properly.” “Yeah, whatever. Maybe just try being born better I guess.” Her and Silver Spoon laughed at the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Girlfriend walked up to Diamond. “That’s quite enough! There’s no need to be cruel like this.” “Hey, ain’t you the demon pony?” Girlfriend flashed her eyes red. “Don’t hurt me! I’ll sic dad on you!” “I have a better idea.” Girlfriend magically produced a microphone, than tossed it toward Diamond. “Settle it in rap!” “What?!” Diamond picked up the mic. Boyfriend pulled out his own with a huge grin. “All I have to do is insult him a bunch? That’s what a rap battle is? Come on Silver. Watch me put him in his place!” Three, two, one, go! “I’m Diamond Tiara, richest filly in Ponyville. Bet you’re poor by comparison.” “I got something better than money; friends, rapping, and an awesome girlfriend.” “Really? Yeah, whatever. I do have a friend, the only one I need. She’s Silver Spoon.” “She seems to be your bitch without much original thoughts or free will of her own.” “That’s not true! We both know blank flanks are lesser ponies.” “So, you bully ponies over the lack of a butt mark.” “Yeah, look at those losers, trying to find their purpose.” “Which is more worthwhile than your attitude could ever be.” “Of course, you would defend these fillies. You barely look much older than them.” “All the better when I school opponents double my size unlike you and Silver.” “I don’t need to prove my superiority in a rap battle. This is such a waste of my time.” “Is it really superiority though? Blank flanks that, rich that, beta bitch that. Take those away, what are you?” “Shut up!” “So, you got nothing left?” “I do too!” “Really? Like what?” “I don’t need to explain myself to you!” “Is this what you want your life to be, a bully?” “I’m not a bully! Blank flanks suck!” “Are you trying to make yourself look good by bragging about your parents’ wealth?” “Of course, I use what I’m given and it’s more than most ponies.” “Quit while you’re ahead before you ruin your own, Silver’s, and your family’s rep over pity bullshit.” “Whatever!” Diamond threw a fit, “This was stupid and pointless anyway. So, I didn’t beat you in a rap battle. Big deal. These fillies still suck and I’m swimming in bits.” All eyes were on Diamond, including Silver’s. “What is everypony looking at? Go away! Nothing to see here. Screw this, I’m going home so dad can throw enough money to make the rapper and his girlfriend pay for humiliating me.” “You think these two can ever reform, Boyfriend?” Girlfriend asked him. “For their sake, they better. What would you do with an unredeemable evil child anyway? Banish them to Hell or lock them in stone?” “Let’s hope we don’t have to find out.”