//------------------------------// // Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing // Story: Wrong Equestria 2: Moonshine Gravy // by Ponky //------------------------------// Moonshine Gravy A Sequel to Ponky’s Overappreciated “Wrong Equestria” Part II Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing featuring an action sequence by shortskirtsandexplosions The Snooty Snarky Vaders plowed into me from the right. All four of us sprawled over the empty street. The scooter they were riding flipped into the air; the handles landed squarely on my chest, and the rest of it promptly pummeled and smashed my face with a wheel. It freaking hurt. Really bad. “OOOOOUUUCH!” I screamed, clambering to my feet and pinching my nose with both hands. “AAAAAAUUUUUGH!” I breathed. “N’AAAAAHHHH!! D’AAAHGG! GAH! FETCH!” I breathed again. “DANG IT! AUGH!” “Gosh, Mister, are you okay?” asked Scootaloo. “NYEEAUUAAAAHGH!” I said. “Apples apples apples?” asked Apple Bloom. “Affirmative,” said freakin’ Sweetie Bot, the second best FiW character ever. “Why are your hooves so weird?” Scootaloo asked, poking one of my Vans. “Those aren’t hooves,” I said in a nasally voice, afraid to let go of my nose in case it was bleeding. “They’re shoes.” “Likes horseshoes?” Scootaloo asked, tilting her head. It was so cute that my pain went away in a snap. “Sorta,” I answered, putting my forefinger and thumb to my nostrils to check for blood. I wasn’t sure upon inspection, so I repeated the check a few times. “Am I… am I bleeding?” I asked the fillies, bending down for them to take a look. All three trotted closer, squinting into my flared nostrils. “Nope,” said Scootaloo. “Negative, none of your vital fluids are leaking,” said Sweetie Bot. “Apples apples!” said Apple Bloom. “Aww, thanks, Apple Bloom!” I said, rubbing the mane in front of her bow. She was so thoughtful. The ponies shot me three unsure expressions. “How did you know her name?” Scootaloo asked. “I know all of your names,” I said with a smile, crouching to their eye level and tapping each in turn on the end of their muzzles. “Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Bo…aaaaaeeelle.” I pulled a weak smile, hoping they wouldn’t question my hesitation. I didn’t want to be the one to break the bad news to my favorite pony’s questionably sentient little sister. “Wow!” Scootaloo said. “Have we met before?” “Nope,” I said, shaking my head, “but I know your names, my name’s Ponky, and now we’re all best friends!” “Yay/Apples!” they said together. That would not have worked on Earth. Not that I’ve ever tried going up to three cute little girls, revealing that I mysteriously knew their names, and changing our status from “Strangers” to “Friends” at the drop of a hat, but I’m pretty sure it would have led to my arrest. In Equestria—even the wrong Equestria—it got me three new friends. “Sorry for running into you, Ponky,” Scootaloo said, rubbing the back of her neck. “Oh, it’s fine!” I lied, refraining from checking for blood again or rubbing my aching chest (that was a lot of ings). “Your face finds no match in my database,” Sweetie Belle droned. “Are you new to Ponyville?” “This version of it, yeah,” I said, fondly ogling the buildings around us. “Well, that was some way to say ‘welcome’,” Scootaloo said guiltily, kicking at her fallen scooter. “I could have really hurt you!” I waved my hand at the wrist. “Don’t worry about it, Scoots. Believe me, this version of Ponyville is much safer than the last one I visited.” Then an enormous green tentacle burst through the building at our right, sending quills and chunks of sofas flying in all directions. Its thick, slimy tip wrapped around Apple Bloom and yanked her—shrieking—out of sight. “AAAAAAAAAPPLLLLLLLLLES!” “Apple Bloom!” “Apple Bloom!!” “WHAT THE *BUY SOME APPLES*!?” I never swear, but seriously, that was crazy. “What the fetch just happened?” I yelled, shaking my arms above my head (because that conveys panic, I guess? I dunno.). “The tentacle monster must have outgrown the laser tag arena!” Scootaloo cried. “Initiate fear sequence!” While the orange and white fillies shivered in each other’s grasps, I charged what was left of Quills and Sofas and scaled the piled rubble like Ezio. No, not Altaïr, Ezio. Viva l’Italia. I reached the highest slab of intact wall and overlooked Equestria as a stirring cello melody rang in my ears. I’m pretty sure an eagle screeched overhead as I swept my eyes heroically over the village, painting a detailed map inside my mind. The green mess of tentacles—not unlike the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but with more asparagus-like qualities—was ravaging through the center of town. It emitted a cacophony of growls and roars from what must have been a dozen hidden mouths amidst its octopusly limbs. Several of its flailing tentacles were wrapped around screaming ponies, each of them kicking and biting for freedom to no avail. Building after building crumbled under the monster’s senseless rage. Every second, another of its impossibly numerous appendages twirled around a terrified pony and lifted them high into the air. “We’re done for!” somepony called from the ground, racing away from the monster. “If only we had some distracting music!” a stallion whined. My heartbeat hammered until I could feel it pulsing in my groin. You know, like, right along the front of my hips. Which was super gross. “What am I gonna do?” I asked nopony, surveying the destruction like Batman from a gargoyle. Except I wasn’t anywhere as cool looking as Batman and I was standing on a precarious chunk of a battered specialty shop. I looked down and, lo and behold, a pile of hay looked back at me. I grinned, closed my eyes, and dove off the building, flipping forward gracefully and landing safely on my back. Man, that was cool. That was almost worth everything else that happened. Almost. The monster continued to destroy the quaint little village as I ran back to where Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were huddled together. “Girls, we have to save Apple Bloom!” I said. “How?” Scootaloo asked in a high pitched voice. “Our chance of significantly influencing the tentacle monster in our current state is one to 4815162342,” Sweetie calculated. I perked up. “In our current state….” My eyes slowly swiveled to her synthetic pony flesh. I had a huge, quick debate in my head that you don’t need to read. “Sweetie Belle!” I exclaimed, kneeling at the pony’s side and taking her head in my hands. She felt cold. I looked right into her soft green eyes and chose my words carefully. “I have something very serious to tell you.” “What?” she squeaked. I swallowed. With as much bravery as I could muster, I said, “You’re not a pony. You’re a robot.” After a brief look of confusion, Sweetie thrust my hands from her cheeks. “What? No, I am not! Your argument is entirely invalid.” “Sweetie, listen to me. You are a robot, but—” “If I am a robot, how do you explain my burning love for my sister?” she snapped. “Sweetie, I’m not saying—” “How do you explain the emotions I feel for my friends?” “I’m trying to explain, if you just—” “If I am a robot…” she said, her eyes glowing progressively redder, “then… then why do I feel this strength inside of me? What is this boundless potential I have been brewing since my first hours of life?” “You are a robot, Sweetie Belle!” I shouted. “I know you are! But I also know this.” I took her quivering hoof in my hand. “You also have a soul, Sweetie Belle. Cheerilee was wrong about robots. They are not mindless machines programmed to function like a normal pony. You have real thoughts and real emotions. You have real love for your family, and for your friends.” She was convulsing now. The light behind her eyes was almost blinding and Scootaloo was backing away in fear. “You know now, Sweetie Belle,” I said. “As part of your programming, you’re about to go on an existential rampage and grow to enormous heights.” Using every ounce of willpower in my body, I kept staring sincerely into Sweetie’s searing eyes. “Prove them wrong, Sweetie Belle! Show them that you have a soul! Save Apple Bloom from the monster! Save Ponyville! Prove to Rarity that you truly love her!” “RAAAAAAAUGH!” Sweetie began to expand. Like a freakin’ Michael Bay transformer, her mechanical skeleton shifted, spun, clacked, and whirred as it took on additional height, weight, and build. Disgustingly, her milky hide and candy-colored mane ripped apart at the seams, falling to the ground like heaps of dumb fabric. I crawled backwards on my hands like a crab, watching her grow in girth and power. She roared again to the sky as giant gears clicked into place. Quicker than I had expected, little Sweetie Belle had evolved into Optimus Sweet, snorting and pawing craters into the pebbly road. Scootaloo fainted. I ran to the little pony’s side and lifted her into my arms (d’awwww!), carrying her to the safety of an alleyway before facing Sweetie Bot. I cupped my hands around my mouth. “Are you still with me, Sweetie Belle?” I shouted up to her twitching metal ears. “I know you are a good pony, despite your… differences. You are alive, Sweetie Belle, and you can keep your friends alive as well!” Her huge head whipped in my direction. She snarled, bearing her sharp, silvery teeth. My eye twitched. “Sweetie Belle?” I croaked. She held her glare. I almost peed my pants. And then, slowly, the snarl became a determined grin. “I AM A SENTIENT BEING,” she thundered, “AND I WILL PROTECT MY FELLOW LIFE FORMS FROM IMMINENT TENTACULAR DESTRUCTION!” “Yeeeeaaah!” I shouted victoriously, pumping my fist as Sweetie Bot galloped through the streets at the violent mass of growling tentacles. The congealed mass of emerald phalluses replied with asian censor bars, as most eroticized cephalopods are apt to do. Sweetie Bot trampled blindly towards it on a mission of existential massacre. “I am on the path towards individualistic transcendence and you are in the way.” The monster didn't hear her at first, but that was before it found itself being bludgeoned repeatedly by a spring-loaded horn brimming with electrical discharge. Emitting a banshee shriek, the green mass of limbs tossed its shrieking victims to the four winds and female-dog-slapped Sweetie Bot across the cheek. “Augh! I feel pain and it is delicious!” Apple Bloom twirled and flipped through the air, wiggling her tiny limbs helplessly. I yelped and locked onto her airborne form, jogging backward through the streets of Ponyville in hopes of somehow catching the darling. Keep in mind that I’m entirely unathletic and grosscustingly thin. I don’t know if I’ve ever successfully caught a football in my life. But somehow, through the grace of Celestia or however it works in that world, I managed to stay beneath her, keep my eyes on the apple, and catch the tiny pony in the crooks of my arms. Of course, the force of her fall threw us to the ground and knocked the wind out of me, but at least she was safe. As soon as fresh oxygen reentered my lungs, I jumped up with Apple Bloom held tightly against my chest and raced back to the alleyway were Scootaloo was stirring. With both fillies safe, I turned my attention back to the brawl in the center of town. Sweetie Bot's forward hooves converted into giant forks that dug their way into the tentacle creature's emerald hide. “Allow me to share this delicious pain with you. It is not unlike pancakes, only with more blunt force trauma.” The hulking ponibot proceeded to bodyslam the quivering tree of serpentine limbs across the courtyard of Ponyville. I threw myself and the two fillies protectively behind a dumpster as the world shook from their herculean tussle. The air filled with dust and the smell of righteous fury. I would have relished it, if only Apple Bloom wasn't so busy peeing all over my “Smile, Everypony!” T-shirt. “I do hope that you have enjoyed the German suplexes!” Sweetie Bot spat triumphantly on the beast's many-mouthed-torso. “Though I have never been to the place called Germany, I am most definitely certain that any sentient organism living there would grab you from behind and introduce your skull rather swiftly to concrete.” The monster's response was to ensnare Sweetie's horn with three juicy tentacles. “Negatory!” The robot's eyes sparked as it struggled to pull itself loose. “Unregistered input! Uninstall! Uninstall!” The monster gurgled with sadistic vengeance as it slammed Sweetie Bot through an apartment building, spun her around three times, and tossed her into the center of Town Hall. Splinters and bits of mortar flew through the air. I was about to get up when the ground shook, and everypony looked up to see Sweetie Bot stumbling out of the fresh crater, her body glowing with electrical pulses of furious angst. “'End program' means 'end program,' you giant invertebrate bag of mostly water and semen!” Her tail converted into a rotary propeller as her eyes burned red. “Commencing correctional seminar!” She rocketed forward and shoved against the creature with her full weight. The two slammed through Sugarcube Corner, dragging wooden fragments of equine architecture across the ravaged town. With her metal teeth, Sweetie Belle yanked the giant oaken cupcake off what remained of the eatery's ceiling and shoved it into one of the monster's many mouths. “There. Proceed with healthy digestion, a joy that I shall never be allowed in spite of all of my ontological development.” A length of tentacles wrapped savagely around her throat, twisting her neck at an ugly angle. “Critical sarcasm failure detected!” Sweetie exclaimed, then shrieked as she was thrown hard into the street and pummeled repeatedly with hammer-thick appendages. “AAAAUUGHHH0110000101110010011000010110001001110011001000000110000101110010011001010010000001100011011011110110111101101100” “Oh no!” I shrieked. “Sweetie Bot!” Scootaloo held her tears in. “I can already smell the sour taste of robot blood!” “Apples…” Apple Bloom whimpered, blushing. “Apples apples…” She smiled sheepishly, to which Scotaloo blinked brightly and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, thanks for that…” I grumbled, then flashed a look to the side upon hearing a stallion clear his throat. A beefy earth pony stood at the side of a parked bus on the slightly less destroyed edge of town. “Excuse me, but do any of you ponies know the way to Fillydelphia?” He scratched his five o'clock shadow and pointed at the bus full of giggling fillies behind. “I've got an entire lacrosse team of Japaneighs Schoolfoals and I gotta get to a game by sundown—” The monster immediately spun around, let out a high-pitched chirp, and launched half of its tentacles across town. It pulled the bus up and shook it ravenously, summoning several screams from within. “Quick! Sweetie Bot!” I shouted through cupped, urine-stained hands. “It’s distracted! Take it out!” Rising up out of the ashes like some infernal golem, Sweetie Bot's voice rang with the fury of a thousand burning mainframes. “Affirmative. Imminent octopus-block in t-minus three... two... one...” Her red eyes slid back into her skull. Two shiny disks slid out, protruded serrated teeth, and converted into twin buzz saws. “They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Reach deep down into your organic fear subroutine…” She grabbed the center of the monster with two hooves and roared, “And gaze into the face of Belle!” The monster instantly dropped the bus and shrieked as Sweetie Belle's molasses-slow headbutt bore a bloody hole through its center. The creature's mouths dissolved into goo, its teeth shattering into calcified bits. Once Sweetie Belle had shredded her way along the diameter of the creature, all that was left was a series of quivering green stalks, like giant lizard tails. Random squirrels dove out of hiding and snatched the morsels away, because it was a Thursday afternoon and they didn't have anything else to do, I guess. I'm not entirely sure; I was wringing my shirt out at the time. “Huzzah!” I cheered while two fillies danced beside me. “Sweetie Bot, you did it!” She had just finished shrinking to the size of typical Hasbro ware when she spat invisible saliva on the monster and droned, “You have been upgraded to Dead, Version Eight Point Die.” For a robot, she was still ridiculously cute. Her “mane” was now a swirly mess of tangled, two-tone wires. Her eyes, though red, glowed softly, and a smile played at her mechanical mouth. “Sweetie Belle, that was fantastic!” I exclaimed as she sprinted to our location. Tossing my soiled shirt to the ground, I lifted the chrome filly into my arms and gave her a big, bare-chested hug. Her metal was still warm from transforming and stuff, so it actually felt pretty good. That and, uh, oh yeah, I was hugging Sweetie Belle! “My joy processors are functioning at maximum capacity!” she said. “Thank you for your initializing encouragement, Ponky!” “Hey, don’t sweat it,” I said, setting her in between her friends. They glanced at one another timidly for a moment. “So… you’re a robot,” Scootaloo said. “Apples,” added Apple Bloom. “All sensory receptors support said realization,” Sweetie meekly agreed. More silence. I bit my lip. And suddenly: “Coooooool/Aaaaaapples!” The orange and yellow fillies wrapped their hooves around both sides of their sentient, sentinel friend and nuzzled her affectionately. Sweetie’s eyes clicked and widened in surprise. “You are not consumed with feelings of confusion, betrayal, and self-justified hatred?” “Apples, apples! Apples apples apples apples apples!” Were it possible for a robot to blush, I’d say that’s what Sweetie Belle did. “My friends are of the highest caliber!” she said, returning the hug full force. They pulled each other into one big hugapalooza of heart-melting adorableness. “D’awwww!” I said, clasping my hands together and pressing them beneath my face. “Uhhhhh…” said the stocky earth pony standing nearby, standing agape at the scene of carnage and destruction formerly known as Ponyville. “What just happened?” “I have no idea!” I said cheerfully, pointing to his rescued bus full of pony chilluns. “You need help getting those tentacles off your ride?” About half an hour later, the de-tentacled bus (smattered in questionable, crusty stains of shades between green and white) headed off for the Japaneighs schoolfillies’ Phillydelphia dance recital, or whatever, and I felt dang good. The Cutie Mark Acquisition Program helped me scrape off the monster remains, along with several ponies who crawled from the city wreckage and kept their minds from accepting the situation through selfless service. By the time the bus was out of sight, we all felt pretty good—if we kept our backs turned to Ponyville. “Apples?” Apple Bloom said, trying to strike up a conversation. “Yes, Ponky, what was your directive in Ponyville before our fateful collision?” Sweetie Bot repeated uselessly. Everyone’s got one of those friends… “I was gonna go find Spike,” I said, pointing toward Canterlot Mountain. “Apparently he’s been missing for a week.” “Apples apples apples apples,” Apple Bloom joked. “That is not funny, Apple Bloom,” I scolded, pointing a finger at her. “Spike is great little guy. All of you are so mean to him. I hate it! He’s just doing his best.” “He may be performing at full capacity, but he lacks the proper memory space and RAM to be useful,” Sweetie said snidely. Her friends giggled. I rolled my eyes. “Well, if you’re not going to help me find him, either, I’ll just be on my way.” “Apples?” “Yes, either. Your sisters in Fluttershy’s crazy religion already turned me down.” Sweetie’s eyes grew wide. “At what point on the Ponyville grid and at what moment in the flow of time did you interact with them?” I raised an eyebrow. “Uh… by the spa? Like, an hour ago? They were all leaving some meeting…” “Gasp!” Apple Bloom also gasped and brought her forehooves to her chin. “Apples! Apples apples apples apples apples, apples apples apples!” “What ritual?” I asked, watching the worry grow between the tiny ponies. Sweetie Bot’s red eyes drifted skyward. Nervously, I followed her vision. The blazing Sun was just as bright and glorious as it had been since my arrival… but a second celestial orb had joined it in the sky. The Moon, in all its ivory glory, had slid halfway across the blazing disk of day. A lump formed in my throat as the proverbial puzzle pieces fell into place. “Sweet Blueshift…” I muttered as the Moon blocked out the Sun. The silence over Ponyville was heavy. I imagine it was tangible across all the parody of Equestria. Something horrible was coming, and everypony knew it. Everypony and every human. I could literally feel the danger, as if my bone marrow was vibrating, quaking in fear. That tentacle monster had nothin’ on whatever was about to go down. I glanced at my young companions; all three of their faces were drained and blank (not sure how, but yes, even Sweetie’s). They felt it, too. And then, the noises. First it was a shriek—a very distant, intentional shriek—that split through the darkened, eclipsial air and sent a nasty chill down my spine. Next was the thump, like the corpse of a raccoon thrown atop a stony shrine. And finally, the singing… or, rather, the chanting. “Bow, bow-bow, bow, bow-bow…” At first they were exclusively female pony voices, warbling over the Ponyville valley. “Bow, bow-bow, bow, bow-bow…” Then it dropped an octave, as if a massive chorus of stallions had joined in from behind the nearest mountain range, but the voices were too rich and resonant to belong to any pony. “Bow, bow-bow, bow, bow-bow…” “No way,” I breathed, casting my gaze southward toward Ghastly Gorge. Of course, I couldn’t see the ravine from where I stood, but I had studied the official Equestrian Map hard enough to know exactly where it was. Plus there was this huge wall of purple slime rushing through it, upstream, so that kinda caught my eye, too. “Warning: Incoming Third Act Catalyst!” Sweetie Belle shouted. “Apples apples?” Apple Bloom whimpered. “It’s a… it’s a…” Scootaloo couldn’t get the words out, gaping at the fast approaching wave of violet sludge. “It’s the Smoozenami!” I screamed. Not to be outdone, Lily and Roseluck trotted around a corner, gave me a sharp look, and called out in unison, “The horror! The horror!”