//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Official Analysis of Pinkius Piecus // Story: Good Fabric // by Meatabex //------------------------------// A trio of fillies continued to hop around the picnic table behind Twilight’s library. They had been doing the same activity in the yard for a few hours now, as instructed by her books on parkour, but none of them seemed to be getting any better at it, judging from the various bruises, cuts and bumps that had now covered the three. “Oof!” Two of the fillies attempted a jump over the table simultaneously, and slammed into each other at the table. “Are you sure this is working?” A white filly with an alternating pink and purple mane, asked. “I don’t see any parkour cutie marks appearing... not that I know what one looks like...” “Hmm...” A yellow foal with a large pink bowtie on her head winced and scratched her head. “Maybe just gotta try harder! Ah’ll git back to readin the book again!” “It’s no use, Apple Bloom,” an orange filly sighed. “We’ve been trying all day! That’s probably the longest we’ve ever gone crusading for our cutie marks...” “Ah know Scoot...” the bowtie filly replied. “But maybe that’s why we couldn’t git ‘em! Because we didn’t try hard ee’nuff!” “Apple Bloom’s right,” the white filly agreed. “We should probably try harder. Right, Scootaloo? Scootaloo?” “What’s going on down there?” Scootaloo wondered aloud. She stared into a window situated nearby a root protruding out of the tree house. “What’s Pinkie doing in the basement?” “What?” the other two foals said, confused. They both clambered to see what was going on inside the basement of the library. “The important question is, what’re they doin to yer sister, Sweetie Belle?” “What?” Sweetie Belle gasped in disbelief. “Since when was my sister into science?” She raised an eyebrow as she watched the scene unfold in front of her. ----- “Step aside, Rarity,” Twilight spoke as she slipped a doctor’s mask on, which neatly covered her muzzle. “I’ve done very conclusive studies on Pinkius piecus, and I know exactly what you are experiencing.” “Which is, what exactly?” Rarity asked. Twilight rolled her eyes. Why was she working with such an unacquainted assistant? She bemoaned the fact that Spike couldn’t help her. Rather, that he could, but instead chose to sit in a dazed drooling state beside her as he ogled his crush, who was seemingly unaware of it all. Twilight sighed and tried a final time. “Spike, would you mind helping me with the analysis of the new assistant?” Spike gurgled in response. Twilight decided to continue without him. She decided to give a short lecture on the subject at hoof before proceeding with the experiment. “PPRS. Specifically, Pinkius Piecus Related Shock. It’s what happens when something random that Pinkius attempts baffles regular scientists, theorists, and pedestrians to the point where they lock up and fall to the floor in disbelief.” “Oh...” Rarity nodded unconvincingly, although Twilight payed no attention, already too wrapped in her own thoughts. “It’s a theory, and only select ponies tend to experience the symptoms. For instance, Applejack seems to have accepted Pinkius’s strange randomness, causing minimal damage to her sanity. You, on the other hand, seem to flail at the slightest thing she’s done. Most ponies fall somewhere in between these extremes.” “Well, unfortunately, its not that simple,” Rarity tried to explain. “And I personally find Applejack’s sanity questionable.” Again, Twilight disregarded Rarity’s quip, and returned to standard procedure. With such an untrained subject in the same room with her, she had to make sure she wouldn’t cause any trouble. “Rarity, I must warn you not to touch any of the buttons, knobs, switches, levers, or other equipment I have on my testing table. Pressing a single button could release these two potentially dangerous subjects into the town, and we do not want that.” She pointed to the testing table. Only a few of the buttons were lit up, and the levers and switches were labeled, however with a miniscule writing that only ants could possibly read. In the center of it all was a microphone, which protruded out of the table for Twilight to speak into. “How could Pinkie Pie possible damage-” Rarity suddenly realized the implications of the test. “Wait, two?” “We’ll see when the experiment commences.” Twilight, assured that Rarity had progressed to the more submissive stages of PPRS, turned away from her unicorn friend, and tapped a microphone twice with her hoof. “Pinkius, are you ready?” “Yeppie Deppie Twilightie Sparklie!” she grinned from inside the testing chamber, which was a large enclosed room just across from the table. “And your nickname for my name sure sounds funny!” “It’s not a nickname, Pinkius,” Twilight briefed, leaning into the built in microphone. “It’s your official binomial nomaneclature. It’s how all species of animal are classified. Now, the testing may commence.” Twilight pressed a button. A door within the test chamber slid open. “I’m going to KILL YOU, PINKIE!!!” An enraged Rainbow Dash charged into the room with an electric hair clipper gripped by her jaws, set at the highest power. “Is this part of the test?” Rarity asked, worried. “Of course, Rarity!” Twilight laughed. “It’s actually a part of two tests I’m conducting. I’m testing both Rainbowis dashcus’s ardorous memory, and Pinkius piecus’s supposed mane reproductive abilities.” Rarity scoffed at Twilight’s lack of support of her own firsthand account on all things Pinkius piecus related. When Rarity had traveled as fast as her hooves could carry her to the library, her account of all things Pinkie Pie mane related fell apart due to her lack of air to breathe. This also happened to revive Dashie’s latent memories, causing Twilight to once again forcibly remove her memory, to the horror of Rarity. And so, Twilight Sparkle, now in mad scientist mode, found it safe to assume Rarity was just having another regular PPRS. Although the diagnosis was completed and everything seemed to make sense (relatively), Twilight had yet to hear of this recent phenomena of Pinkie’s, and became eager to learn more of this possible behavior of piecus’s. The two unicorns then bribed Pinkie Pie into the laboratory with a trail of gummy worms and candy, which was standard procedure as per “The Official Guidebook to Tracking the Elusive Pinkius,” written by Twilight herself. From there, it wasn’t hard to convince Rainbow and Pinkie into entering the testing chamber. The whole while, Twilight was informing Rarity of her past studies on the two species, which was really getting annoying. “So far Rainbowis seems to be remembering disturbing events rather well.” “And why did you give her a hair trimmer? And stop calling her Rainbowis, or whatever you just said! Her name’s Rainbow Dash!” “I basically convinced Rainbowis dashcus that the only way to stop Pinkius is to shave off her mane, the source of her power,” Twilight said smugly, ignoring Rarity’s attempts to keep the conversation as understandable as possible. “That way, we can see if your rumors about her mane are true.” “And how did you manage this?” “Easy,” Twilight laughed, as though the answer were obvious. “Hypnotism works better than you think, Rarity. You should try it sometime!” Now thoroughly confused, Rarity shook her head. This was not what she had come here for. Spike sensed her growing befuddlement, which snapped him out of his trance, and tried to calm her. “Don’t worry, I’ve heard this about a thousand times now. You’ll get used to it,” Spike patted her on the back. Rarity felt relieved that she wasn’t the only sane person in the room. As a buzzing noise amplified within the chamber, both unicorns and Spike turned to watch the action unfold. “Take that, Pinkie’s mane!” Rainbow Dash hacked at Pinkie’s poofy mane, which rebounded. “Hehe! Dashie, you’re so random!” “I’m... not... RANDOM!” Dash screamed and hacked with each word. “I’m... trying... to... defeat... you... and your mane!” Within a few seconds, a whirlwind of rainbow and pink colors were swirling within the chamber, which was designed to hold only so much tension. “Are you sure this glass window will hold them back?” Rarity bit on her hooves, even more nervous. “Pinkius piecus has only done so much damage in the past,” Twilight commented. “However, Rainbowis is still a tricky specimen. I’m debating whether list her as elucid or keter threat level.” “She’s probably closer to keter,” Rarity replied, eyes glued to the test chamber. A single six inch thick reinforced window separated the test subjects and the scientists, or Twilight and Rarity, who stared as the one sided fighting escalated. As each subject became less and less visible under a grey and pink cloud, Twilight pressed another button, activating the filtration systems within the chamber. As the dust filtered away into one of twin fan powered shafts, one could barely glimpse a disembodied chainsaw swing towards Rainbowis as she dove in towards Pinkius’s tail, wielding a sword in each hoof. As the weapons collided, dashcus gasped as her blades were torn from her hooves, but barely consolidated in time to duck under another swing. She grabbed a hammer, and struck the chainsaw away, which exploded and coughed as smoke blocked the screen. “Hay! Rainbowis!” Twilight tapped the microphone, and speakers inside the chamber blared. “The hammer is off limits! Only use weapons that can cut her mane!” “I DON’T CARE!” Dashcus growled. “I’m GOING TO KILL HER!!!” “You’re such a laugh, dashcus!” Pinkie giggled as she loosely tossed around her friend’s species name. “This is the best prank ever!” “Rainbowis!” Twilight slammed a hoof on a table, pressing a multitude of unresponsive buttons as a result. “Don’t make me take that from you!” “Do that then!” the enraged pegasi roared. “I DON’T CARE!” Twilight simply pressed a button, and the hammer disintegrated within the chamber, dissolving into a pile of black soot in the enraged mare’s hooves. “NuuuuuuUUU!!!” Rainbowis dashcus screamed, and tore at her frizzly mane with her hooves. “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!? WHY-” “You said you didn’t care,” Twilight quoted through the microphone, now in a condescending tone. “This insubordination is outrageous. Rainbowis dashcus, do you want cake or not?” “Grrr...” Rainbow Dash growled. Although she dearly wanted to be rid of that pink... evil... plot-spoiling... party monster... cake was probably more important. Probably. “Cake?” Rarity echoed faintly. Twilight nodded. “It’s another way that I convinced Rainbowis to not hurt Pinkie. At least, just her mane...” Then, she turned back to the glass screen. “Play by the rules, dashcus.” Pressing another button, which muted the speakers, Twilight suddenly began laughing. “Ahahahahaha!” she cried, chuckling as tears left her eyes. “What’s so funny?” Rarity asked. This whole experience was starting to confuse her more with each new development. “There... there is no cake,” Twilight stifled another giggle. “I’ve been lying to her the whole time!” Unable to control herself, she began to laugh hysterically again. Rarity closed her eyes and groaned. What was with her friends these days? First, Applejack acting all funny about her hat. Then, Twilight being such a... science geek. (Although it wasn’t as bad as she had imagined in the past, to be honest.) And now Rainbow Dash attempting pony-slaughter over ruining a plot of some silly book? All this was too much for Rarity to handle. She wondered why she hadn’t known about her friends’ secrets earlier. Perhaps her own personality had made her blind to their more quirky sides. Much of the time, she was too busy to notice. At least, most of them, except... Pinkie Pie. She had always known Pinkie to be a very strange and random pony. She just didn’t know that similar amounts of random had inhabited her friends as well. Perhaps it was Pinkie’s randomness that caused all of her friend’s to seem docile in comparison. Or perhaps she was the reason that they were going crazy in the first place... after all, she herself hadn’t spent much time around her... ugh, this whole debacle was giving her a headache. She just wanted to go back to the spa, perhaps with Fluttershy, and loosen up with a hooficure. As she opened her eyes, Rarity gasped as Rainbow snatched a pile of shurikens out of nowhere and proceeded to assault Pinkie’s mane with them. As the pink hair wavered and danced around the sharpened metal disks, a pink cloud began to once again fill the air. “What’s going on?” Twilight asked. “I thought the filtration systems were online.” Unbeknownst to either of the unicorns, the pink cloud was in fact solid, and was comprised of Pinkie’s hair, which began jamming both major turbines that were filtering the air. With no escape vent, the room quickly filled up with pink curls as Rainbow made more swipes at Pinkie with her hair trimmer. At some point the hair trimmer had become caught in her mane, and as a result, a waterfall of Pinkie’s mane began cascading down her head and onto the ground, and the testing room was soon stuffed. “Pinkie! Urk!” Rainbow coughed as more mane filled the room, pressing her, and squashing her as though a massive cotton candy machine had been turned on inside the testing chamber, producing pink cotton candy and pressing her to the window, which now began cracking to the pressure. “You cheated Pinkie!” Rainbow screamed, face pressed against the window, misting the normally clear glass. “You cheated!” Spike and Rarity watched in horror as the mane pressed her tighter and tighter onto the glass. The whole time, Twilight had been levitating a quill on parchment, inscribing words while whispering them to herself. “...dashcus’s ability to spawn various weapons out of the dimension of mid air is a dangerous one, one that should warrant a change in placement to keter level threat. On the other hoof, Pinkius’s mane grows back at an exceedingly dangerous speed, which could be classified as hirsutism, which is a medical sign that could possibly signal various diseases, or could simply be an increase in the production of androgen...” “Twilight?” Rarity squeaked. “Rainbow needs help... she’s trapped!” Rainbow pressed harder and harder against the glass, and Pinkie was nowhere to be seen. The window began to crack. “Huh?” Twilight looked up at the glass, and then back down again. “...Although in the experience of the scientist in question, Pinkius has been found to maintain a similar hormonal composition as ponies around her, namely, all earth ponies, so a hormonal anomaly is out of question...” “Twilight?” Rarity was backing up now, with Spike, who began retreating up the stairs to the door. Larger cracks traveled up and down the window, and Rarity clenched her teeth, closed her eyes. This isn’t going to end well. “...in a final analysis, Pinkius piecus seems to react positively to Rainbowis, although dashcus seems to return a negative feedback constantly, although I suspect this has to do with her deeply antagonized past involving spoilers that threatened to-” Before Twilight could concoct more mad scientist terminology, five thousand pounds of Pinkie’s mane crashed through the window, burying the purple unicorn in an inescapable pile of curls and pink. Rainbowis dashcus and Pinkius piecus were nowhere to be seen. A massive dust cloud expanded quickly from the heap, blinding both Rarity and Spike as they watched on, terrified. “Twilight!” Spike and Rarity screamed, expressions of horror frozen on both faces. “We gotta help her!” Spike coughed violently, and turned to Rarity, who gulped. “But how?” “I’m not sure,” Rarity scrunched up her face, “I’ve never been buried in hair before.” “What about being buried in fabric?” Spike pleaded. “There’s got to be a way!” “Why, you’re right, Spike!” Rarity’s face lit up. “I have been trapped in fabric before... Spike, I will need a pair of scissors and a vacuum!” As Spike ran off, Rarity merely glanced back at the massive accumulation of hair with an intrigued expression. That was about to be a lot of fabric.