Chapter Three: Roast Mutton
The morning sunshine broke through the sitting room windows of Bag End, to where Hitch had been sleeping on one of the fireplace armchairs. The others were still fast asleep, but stirring in their sleep. He then got up and made his way over to the pantry, and picked out a singular carrot from the emptiness. He then realized how quiet everything was, and how empty the place felt with the dwarves' absence.
His eyes then fell on a small stack of coins sat on a small letter.
Master Baggins, it read. Our deepest thanks for your hospitality last night. I know we might have upset you by dropping by unannounced, and you have our apologies for any inconveniences we might have caused you. It is my understanding that this was a jest on the part of Gandalf, but he wished to assure you that we meant no harm. We have tided up the best we could, and have left some payment to fill your pantry. You can also rest assured that we do not hold your reluctance to accompany us on our journey against you. We understand that such a long and perilous journey is something that you would not want force on you. We have the honor to remain.
Yours truly, Thorin and Co.
At least they were polite enough to leave compensation for the inconvenience, Hitch thought to himself. Then his eyes rested on the unsigned parchment rested under a fruit bowl. He read through it while making his way back to the sitting room, where the others were waking up.
"Morning all," Hitch greeted.
"Good morning Hitch," Sunny replied.
"'Do you mean to wish a good morning, or you feel good on this particular morning?'" Izzy said, playing with Gandalf's words.
Everyone lightly chuckled.
"What do have there?" Zipp asked.
"Uh, Bilbo's still unsigned contract," he replied sheepishly.
"You know," Pipp interjected. "I've been thinking about this while I was sleeping, and I think we ought to join them."
"Who?"
"The dwarves of course!"
"Uh, don't you think you're sounding a bit too hasty?"
"Maybe she's right," Sunny added. "Perhaps this is the Hobbit's Tale the book's title spoke of."
"And what are we supposed to do?"
"Besides," Zipp said. "I don't remember them asking for our help specifically."
"And why should that stop us? They need help! They haven't a home, and...they're going on a quest that will surly kill them. At least on their own. I'm going to help them, with or without you."
"That's not really a wise decision Sunny," Hitch rebuked.
"Well, if you won't help them, who will?"
"I will."
The ponies turned to face Bilbo Baggins standing tall and firm in the parlor entryway.
"You're right Sunny, and if you're going...then so am I."
"You're sure you want to do this?" Zipp asked.
"No, no I'm not," he sighed. "But I'll have a damn good try at it."
"I'm going to!" Izzy cried.
"Me as well!" Pipp added.
"Very well," Zipp groaned, rolling her eyes.
Everyone then turned to Hitch, who then finished the last of his carrot. "Oh, all right, but this is only to keep you guys from getting yourselves killed."
He then gave the contract to Bilbo who signed his name in ink, right before the rest followed their signatures under his. And that is how Bilbo Baggins began his greatest adventure: rushing out the door with his newest friends, and without his pipe or walking stick. Instead, he had just the one pack while flaying the contract in his hand while the group hopped fences and ran up and down the neighborhood hillsides.
"'Ere! Mister Bilbo! Where are you going?! And who are they?!" Mr. Worrywart called from his garden.
"Can't stop! We're already late!"
"Late for what?!"
"We're going on an adventure!" Bilbo called back as they finally ran past the borders of Hobbiton.
Eventually they caught up to the company, who were riding there own ponies through the backwoods paths.
"Wait! WAIT!" Bilbo cried.
The company halted as the newcomers approached Balin, catching their breaths in the meantime.
"You guys..." panted Zipp. "Had quite...the...head-...start...on us."
"We signed it," Bilbo presented the contract to Balin.
"All of you?" Dwalin asked.
"Well, apart from Bilbo," Hitch answered. "We've all agreed to forfeit any payment. Neither of us are in it for the money."
"Though, it will be nice to see the treasure you're all so interested in," Pipp smiled.
Balin took out a looking glass while he read the contract, during which his pony sniffed at Pipp's mane.
"Hello?" she asked reproachfully.
"Everything appears to be in order," Balin finalized. "Welcome, Master Baggins, Trailblazer, Ms. Starscout, Moonbow, Princess Storm, and Petals to the company of Thorin Oakenshield."
Thorin was still skeptical about Bilbo and the otherworldly ponies, but begrudgingly allowed their presence. "Give him a pony."
"No, no, no, that won't be necessary. Thank you, I'm sure I can keep up on foot. I've done my fair share of walking holidays, you know? Even got as far as Frogmorton once-AYUP!" Bilbo yelped as Fili and Kili hoisted him onto the spare baggage pony.
At last the company began their trek, with a few dwarves tossing small bags of coins between each other.
"Come on, Nori. Pay up," Oin called.
"What are they doing?" Sunny asked, walking alongside Gandalf.
"They took wagers on whether or not Bilbo would turn up," he replied. "Some bet that he wouldn't, some more that you wouldn't either."
"And what did you think?" Bilbo asked.
"Well..." Gandalf began, only to pause as he caught his winnings. "My dear fellow, I never doubted you for a second."
Bilbo suddenly sneezed.
"Bless you," Sunny said.
"It's the horse hair. No offense."
"None taken."
He then fumbled about his pockets, until his dropped. "No, wait, wait, stop. STOP!" he called to the company. "We have to turn around!"
"What on earth is the matter?" Gandalf asked.
"I forgot my handkerchief."
Zipp sighed and groaned. "Great. It's like my sister's got a twin."
"I'm right here you know!"
"Here!" Bofur called, tearing a piece of cloth. "Use this!" He then tossed it back to Bilbo, who looked at it with minor disgust.
"Move on," Thorin called, visibly annoyed.
"You'll have to make do without pocket-handkerchiefs, and a many other good things, Bilbo Baggins, before our journey's end," said Gandalf. "You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire. But home is now behind you. The world is ahead."
That evening the company was resting under a natural canopy overlooking the high-night sky, and Bilbo was uneasily trying to sleep, not helped from Bombur's loud snoring, or Pipp's uneasy sounding whining . Trying to occupy himself, but also get a break from all the snoring of his companions, he approached the pony he had been riding, Myrtle she was called.
"Hello, girl. Who's a good girl?" He then took out an apple he had pocketed. "There's our little secret, Myrtle. You must tell no one."
Suddenly, a loud screech was hear far off in the distance, causing Bilbo's hair to stand on end. Hitch, who had been on the watch with Fili and Kili, stood ready in apprehensive defense. Zipp awoke immediately, being the light sleeper she was, and Pipp stood ever closer to her wingspan. Sunny and Izzy stood close to Bifur and Bofur, Izzy's horn glowing in anxiousness.
"What was that?" Bilbo asked.
Kili's face immediately went grave. "Orcs," he answered.
"Orcs?" Bilbo repeated, with growing anxiety in his voice. Thorin overheard from nearby, and was becoming restless.
"What are Orcs?" Sunny asked, with evident worry.
"Throat cutters," Fili answered. "Raiders. They're man-like in shape, but ugly, evil, and bloodthirsty. There'll be dozens of them out there. The lowlands are crawling with them."
"They strike in the wee, small hours when everyone's asleep," Kili continued. "Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood."
Bilbo looked out with his heart stuck in his throat, while Hitch looked fearfully back to his companions. Then the dwarf brothers began laughing, and the ponies sighed with great relief at having only been at the end of a cruel joke. Hitch was about to reprimand them, when Thorin spoke out before him.
"You think that's funny? Do you think a night raid by orcs is a joke?"
"We didn't mean anything by it," Fili replied, trying to keep his gaze from his angered uncle.
"No you didn't," Thorin shook his head. "You know nothing of the world."
The company watched as Thorin went to peer over the cliff's edge, as Balin spoke up. "Don't mind him lads. Thorin has more cause then most, to hate orcs."
"How hated are orcs?" Izzy asked, with no hint of glee.
"While their true origins remain a mystery, what is for certain is that they are the servants of the evil that made them."
"So, they're real?" Pipp asked from under Zipp's wing.
"All too real," Balin replied, his voice deepening to a tragedy. "After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain, King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient dwarf kingdom of Moria."
"Moria?" Hitch asked.
"An entire kingdom built within the depths of the Misty Mountains. In the dwarvish tongue it is known as Khazad-dum, Moria is the elvish name for it."
"So," Zipp interjected. "You went to reclaim Moria?"
"Aye, but our enemy had gotten there first. Moria had been taken by legions of orcs, led by the most vile of all their race: Azog the Defiler."
While Sunny had only just heard of Azog and orcs in general, she could understand that with the way Balin carried the name with such hatred and malice, he sounded exactly like how evil he was described as, maybe even worse. She, like Bilbo and the other ponies, hoped to never meet Azog personally.
"The giant Gundabad had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin." Balin then went silent, like he was catching long dried tears. "He began...by beheading the king."
All the ponies gasped with fright. Hitch swallowed nervously, while Zipp held Pipp closer by a hoof, unbelieved about how a family member could be killed by such an evil individual, and with such brutality that it was impossible to comprehend that the..."monster" made it his personal task to enjoy the deaths and suffering he caused.
"Shh, shh," she comforted to her sister. "It's okay. I'm here."
"Oh, lord," Hitch breathed.
"Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad with grief. He went missing. Taken prisoner or killed, we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat...and death were upon us."
"And, what happened next?" Sunny pressed.
Balin smiled. "What happened, was what I was privileged to have witnessed. A young dwarf prince facing down the Pale Orc. He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent, wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield."
"So the whole 'Oakenshield' thing is a nickname?" Hitch asked.
"All nicknames carry a legend, whether from their deeds of good or evil. It was then that he took a fallen sword, and in one fell swoop sliced off the hand of his enemy. Azog learned that day that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken. Our forces rallied, and drove the orcs back. Our enemy had been defeated."
Balin suddenly became solemn. "But there was no feast...nor song that night, for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few had survived. And I thought to myself then...," he looked back to Thorin, "...there is one who I can follow. There is someone...who I would call king."
Thorin looked back from his point to the gathered crowd of dwarves, ponies, and hobbit, who all looked to him with much newfound appreciation and respect; someone who Sunny would call a hero.
"And the Pale Orc?" Bilbo asked. "What happened to him?"
"He slunk back into hole whence he came," Thorin said with great venom. "That filth died of his wounds long ago."
"So, we don't have to worry about him? At all?" Pipp sighed, still shaking.
"Come on," Zipp calmed. "Let's some sleep while we still can."
While Gandalf looked nervously at Thorin's claim of Azog's death, unbeknownst to either him or to the rest of the company, some scouting orcs caught sight of the campsite and uttered back in Black Speech: the most harsh and ugliest tongue in Middle-Earth, used only from the servants of the Dark Lord.
"Send word to the master," one said. "We have found the dwarf-scum."
Later on, the company was trudging through some woods during a heavy downpour. Spirits were more grumpy than downtrodden, especially for Pipp; not helped that the cloak she was given had formed a small puddle of rain that finally gave way right down her muzzle.
Sunny had been walking alongside Bilbo, when Izzy rushed to catch to their level, surprising her as she tried to hide her blushing.
"Hey! Guess what?!" she beamed.
"Uh, it's raining?" Bilbo grumbled.
"Well yeah, but that's not it!"
"I give up," Sunny played.
"Oh, come on! Don't be like that!"
"No really, I do."
"Oh, alright. I had just been talking with Bombur, and he said that himself, Bifur and Bofur are the only dwarves of this company that aren't descended from the line of Durin!"
"You mean that, that they're not from Erebor?" Bilbo asked.
"I asked the same thing, and he said that they grew up in the Lonely Mountain, but were descended from the line of Moria."
"Mister Gandalf!" Dori unintentionally interrupted. "Can't you do something about this deluge?"
"It is raining, Master Dori," Gandalf calmly replied. "And it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you ought to find yourself another wizard."
"Are there any?" Sunny asked, containing her excitement.
"What?"
"Other wizards?"
"There are five of us. The greatest or our order is Saruman the White. Then there are the to Blues...you know I've quite forgotten their names."
"And who is the fifth?" asked Bilbo.
"Well, that would be my cousin, Radagast the Brown."
"Is he a great wizard or is he...more like you?"
"I think he's a very great wizard! In his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to people."
"I uh, happen to know a few critters myself," Hitch perked up.
Gandalf seemed amused. "Then I hope you will have the pleasure of meeting him. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to east, and a good thing too, for always evil will look to find a foothold in this world."
Some time later, by the time the rainstorm moved on, the Company stopped in a clear field for some much needed rest up.
"We'll camp here for the night," Thorin announced. "Fili, Kili, Master Trailblazer, watch the riding ponies. Make sure you stay with them. Oin, Gloin, get us a fire started."
Gandalf meanwhile was inspecting the ruins of a old farmhouse, which looked ruined. Like it was crushed and smashed by something larger that its life.
"A farmer and his family used to live here...," he worried. "I think it would be wise to move on. We could make for the Hidden Valley."
"I have already told you, I will not go near that place," Thorin hissed.
"Why not? The elves will provide us with proper food, rest, and advice."
Pipp had been listening in on their conversation, and was still feeling as skeptical about the elves following the "guided tour".
"Why the elves? Aren't they the ones who turned back on the refuged dwarves?" she approached Gandalf.
"For once, one of the ponies speaks sense. I do not need anything from the elves."
"Hey! I'm taking your side in this matter!"
"If I want your help, I will ask for it."
Pipp then stormed off in a huff. "We have a map we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us," Gandalf continued.
"Again you speak of help. A dragon attacks Erebor, what help came from the elves? Orcs plunder Moria and desecrate our sacred halls. The elves looked on and did nothing! And you ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather. Who betrayed my father."
"You are neither of them," Gandalf responded, growing impatient. "I did not give you that map and key for you to hold onto the past."
"I did not know they were yours to keep!" Thorin hissed.
Gandalf had then reached his boiling point, storming off in the direction that led the furthest away from the farmhouse. Sunny and Bilbo looked concerned. "Everything alright?" Bilbo asked.
"Gandalf, where are you going?" Sunny called.
"To seek the company of the only one who has any sense around here," Gandalf huffed.
"And who's that?"
"Myself, Mister Baggins! I've had enough of dwarves for one day."
Zipp approached her sister suspiciously. "I know you had some involvement, so what happened?"
Pipp did not return her gaze.
"Is he coming back?" Sunny asked to Balin. His answer was caught in his throat, not sure of what to say to the little pony.
Later in the evening, Bilbo was not feeling much better about Gandalf's absence.
"He's been gone a long while," he mused.
"Who?" said Bofur, filling a bowl of soup.
"Gandalf. Who else?!" Pipp shouted.
"Take it easy. He's a wizard. He comes and goes as he pleases." He then handed three bowls to Bilbo. "Here take these to the lads. Stop it, you had plenty," he said to Bombur, trying to nick at least one last finger sip.
"I must say Bombur, this is wonderful," Zipp complemented.
Bilbo clumsily carried the soup bowls all the way to where the riding ponies were left, except the watchfolks were greatly concerned, standing stiff and at first took no notice of his arrival.
"What's the matter?" Bilbo asked.
"We were supposed to be watching the riding ponies," Kili said.
"Only we've encountered a slight problem," Fili added.
"We had sixteen..."
"But now there's fourteen," Hitch finished.
"Daisy and Bungo are missing," Kili analyzed.
"That's not good. Not good at all," Bilbo said, eyeing up a torn tree.
"Should we tell Thorin?" Hitch asked.
"Uh, no. Let's not worry him," Fili sighed. "Bilbo, as our official burglar, we thought you might look into it."
"Well, uh," Bilbo stammered. He was still holding the three soup bowls, not sure about what he was expected to find. "It's looks like something big uprooted these trees."
"That was our thinking," Fili said.
"Something very big, and possibly quite dangerous..."
Hitch shared Bilbo's uneasiness, enough to nervously take one of the soup bowls. While doing so, he noticed something in the distance. "Hey, there's a light. Over there."
A small flickering glow was emitting from deep within the far off undergrowth, surrounded by voices of a sneeze, then a deep-throated laugh.
"What is it?" Bilbo asked.
"Trolls," Kili hissed, before he and Fili rushed from behind the log where they were perched, leaving Bilbo at a loss about their dinner, before he grabbed them before rushing to catch up. When he did, they soon ducked behind again when a giant stomping troll came crashing through carrying two more of the riding ponies under his arms.
"He's got Myrtle and Minty!" Bilbo gasped quietly.
"Oh, lord," Hitch sighed. "I think they're going to eat them. We should do something!"
"Yeah!" Bilbo agreed.
The dwarves looked back to Bilbo, an idea sharing between them. "Yes, you should!" Kili nodded. "Mountain Trolls are slow and stupid, and you're so small they'll never see you!"
"No, no, no..." Bilbo stammered, but once again his protest went ignored.
"It's perfectly safe! We'll be right behind you!" Fili added.
"I don't know about this," Hitch swallowed. "One of us should go with him."
"Very well, but keep out of sight."
"Now, just, wait a minute!"
"If any of you run into trouble, hoot twice like a barn owl, and once like a brown owl."
With that, the dwarves left Bilbo and Hitch to traverse up to the trolls on their own.
"Twice like a brown owl...no, twice like a barn owl...no, once like a...hey, are you sure about this?" he turned back to voice his concerns, only for them to have disappeared from view.
"Well, that's just wonderful. Isn't it?" Hitch sarcastically shook, before drinking whatever was left in the soup.
"Mutton yesterday, mutton today, and blimey, if it don't like mutton again tomorrow!" they heard a deep-voiced troll grumbling. Hitch and Bilbo silently then made their way towards the camp, Hitch more careful considering he had no hobbit-feet.
"Quit your gripin'!" another troll spoke up. "These ain't sheep. These is west nags!"
By now, they had a full view of the campsite: one troll in an apron and blind in one eye was stirring a cauldron over the campfire, the biggest troll had only a loincloth and just set the captured riding ponies in a makeshift fence of skulls, branches, and ropes, and the last troll was the youngest looking and wearing a vest.
"Oh," the third troll groaned. He sounded like he had a cold. "I don't like 'orse. Never 'ave. Not enough fat on 'em!"
"Well, it's better than that leathery old farmer," the troll cook said. "All skin and bone, 'e was. I'm still picking bits of 'im out of me teeth."
The nasally troll then sneezed, and Hitch kept himself from vomiting as the sound of a loud plop was heard in the stewing pot. Bilbo pretended like it did not happen
"Oh, would you look at that!" the cook noticed. "A floater! Hm, might improve the flavoring!"
"Ah, well there's more where that came from!" the sneezing troll snorted.
"Oh, no you don't, Tom!" the cook cried, grabbing his companion by the nostrils. The troll, who was called Tom, was then thrown back onto his seat. He started to sneeze again, but this into his much-used handkerchief.
By now, Bilbo had reached the paddock, Hitch remaining behind in some brush, squirming silently at the masses of the monsters before him.
"Well, I hope yer goin' these nags," Tom commented standing above their captives, Bilbo ducking out of sight in time. "I don't like the stinky parts."
The cook then smacked his head with his ladle. "I said sit down!"
"I'm starvin', are we 'aving 'orse tonigh' or wot?" the other troll complained.
"Shut yer cakehole, Bill!" the cook snapped. "You'll eat what I give ya."
Bilbo then noticed something along Tom's belt. Right under his handkerchief was a large homemade knife. He looked back to Hitch, who also noticed the knife, who nodded, still very much fearful.
"'Ow come 'e's the cook?! Everything tastes the same! Everything tastes like chicken!"
"Except the chicken!" Tom laughed.
Bill also laughed. "Wot tastes like fish!"
"I'm just sayin'," the cook grumbled to his companions. "A little appreciation would be nice. 'Thank you very much Bert.' 'Lovely stew Bert.' How hard is that?!"
While the trolls continued arguing, Bilbo crept closer towards Tom's knife. Suddenly, Hitch bit his hoof as Tom began feeling his hand for something. Bilbo noticed it too, and ducked out of sight in time for Tom to grab a large wooden mug.
"'Ere, that's my grog!" Bert snapped.
Tom was close to taking a sip, before he nervously set it back. "Sorry," he said, before Bert hit him again upside the head with his ladle.
He then took another stir from the pot, sniffing it in with whatever calculating precision trolls had. "Mmm, that's beautifully balanced, that is." He then held it to Tom. "'Ere, wrap yer gob around that, would ya? That's why I'm the cook."
Bilbo then reached right behind Tom, and reached up to grab the knife, only for Tom to scratch his posterior. Bilbo looked away in disgust, before trying again.
"Oh, me guts are grumbling," Bill complained. "Got to snuffle something. Flesh! I need flesh!"
Suddenly, Tom reached back and snagged Bilbo, and thinking he was at first his handkerchief he sneezed his mucus right into every corner that made Hitch swallow his vomit again.
"AH!" Tom exclaimed. "Blimey! Look what come out of me 'ooter! It's got arms and legs and everything!"
"What is it?" Bert asked.
"I don't know, but I don't like the way it wriggles around!" Tom then tossed Bilbo to the ground, unsuspectingly right at Hitch.
"'Ere, there's something else around 'ere," Bill noticed. Bert then approached and nabbed Hitch before he knew what was coming.
"What's this now? It looks like a pony, only...there's something with the eyes."
"You think it talks?" Tom asked.
"Why do you say that?" Bert looked back to Tom.
"Like you said, there's something with the eyes. Maybe it's a dog."
"I am not a dog!" Hitch incredulously stated.
"It can talk," Tom amazed. "You see somethin' new every day."
"Never mind that, what about this thing?" Bill interrupted, still holding his own knife at little Bilbo's chest. "Are you an oversized squirrel, or something like that?"
"I'm a burg- a hobbit," Bilbo stammered.
Hitch looked back to him lessening respect, and more annoyance.
"A burgahobbit?" Tom wondered.
"Are there any more burgahobbits around here?" Bert asked with great suspicion.
"Lots more-" Bilbo began.
"No! None at all!" Hitch shouted.
"Lots more and none at all?" It was evident that Tom was the most slow-witted of the trolls. "Ask 'em what thay mean by that."
"Never mind that. Do you think we can cook 'em?" Bill asked.
"We can try," Tom sneered before making a lunge for Bilbo, who ducked and ran between his legs.
"Run for it Bilbo!" Hitch cried.
"'Ere, they wouldn't make more than a mouthful, not when they're skinned and boned!" Bill threatened.
"Perhaps there's enough for a pie!"
"It's too quick!" Tom cried in frustration, however Bill swooped and firmly hoisted Bilbo by the legs.
"I'll ask again, are there any more o' you hidin' where you shouldn't?"
"Nope," Bilbo responded.
"'E's lying," Tom smirked. "Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal!"
Suddenly, a streak of white collided with Bert's arm like a cinderblock which made him lose his grip on Hitch, and Kili's sharp sword leapt from the underbrush and slashed twice at Tom's leg, causing him to squeal in pain.
"Drop him!" Kili shouted.
"You wot?!" Bill shouted back.
Zipp and Hitch ran up from behind the trolls to stand firm beside Kili. "He said drop him!" she cried.
Enraged, Bill threw Bilbo right at them, Zipp catching him in midair and setting him down as the remainder of the company emerged from the underbrush and all began fighting against the trolls. Swords were thrown against the humongous brutes, while the ponies' style of combat was fairly limited, but not by much.
The pegasi tackled makeshift airdrops, Zipp making a beeline right for Tom's head, which loosened his knife as Bilbo carried it over and began slicing the ropes holding the captive riding ponies.
At one point Tom was swatting at Pipp, only to be distracted from a stone slingshotted from Ori. Fili, Kili, and Sunny were soon on Bert, the dwarves slashing with their weapons while Sunny made up his arm and gripped his neck like a bucking bronco. Hitch then leapt through the air, grabbed Sunny from a confused Bert, and landed safely before Hitch took off on the direction of Dwalin and Gloin.
"Hitch!" Sunny shouted in frustration.
"You're welcome!" Hitch called back, while bucking at Tom's face after Dwalin swung his hammer, knocking a set of teeth from his jaws.
"Get the sacks!" Bert cried, right before Izzy swung a large tree branch right into the back of his skull using her magic.
"How do you like my Oakenshield?!" she smiled to Sunny and the dwarves, who chuckled.
Meanwhile, Bilbo finished freeing the captive riding ponies, which caught Bill's enraged attention, who then charged right for him. Tom regained his composure, and seeing what his companions were going for, he rushed and held Hitch tightly in the air by his forehooves. Soon, the dwarves were halted by the sight of Bill and Bert gripping each of Bilbo's arms and legs in midair, while Tom was holding Bill's knife.
"Hitch!" Sunny cried, before Zipp stopped her from rushing recklessly in.
"Bilbo!" Kili then cried, as Thorin followed Zipp's example.
"Lay down your arms!" Bill declared. "Or we'll rip theirs off!"
Bilbo and Hitch stared with intense fear at Thorin, who was in deep thought, and with deep reluctance he thrusted the end of his sword into the earth before him. The other dwarves lowered their weapons, Sunny and Izzy removed their saddlebags, and after a long period of waiting, Zipp swallowed before the doors of death.
After much reluctance, and most of the time the trolls spent corralling the company, they had set up a rotating spit over a burning fire, with Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Nori, Dori, Bofur, Zipp, and Hitch being prepped for the evening meal, the dwarves having been stripped to only their undergarments. The rest were tied in sacks and lay in a pile off to the side, with only each of their heads being only visible.
"Don't bother cooking 'em," Tom suggested. "Let's just sit on 'em and squash 'em into jelly."
Pipp squirmed and cringed, with Bifur being at the bane of her meltdown.
"They should be sautéed and grilled, with a sprinkle 'o sage," Bert shook his head, not caring a moment's pause to the screams of literal burning agony.
Tom licked his lips in anticipation. "That does sound quite nice."
"Never mind the seasonin'! We ain't got all night!" Bill grumbled, turning the spit from Bert's end. "Dawn ain't far off! I don't fancy being turned to stone!"
Bilbo's face lit up with an idea, with only Izzy catching the glimpse. "Wait!" he called. "You are making a terrible mistake!"
"Do something Bilbo!" Hitch yelped as a dancing flame near-missed his chest.
"You can't reason with them! They're 'alfwits!" Dori whimpered.
"Halfwits?! What does that make us?!" Bofur retorted.
"I mean with the, uh, the seasoning!" Bilbo said, hopping his sack to face up to the trolls.
"What about the seasoning?" Bert asked, intrigued but mostly suspicious.
"Bilbo, what are you doing?" Sunny hissed.
"Well, have you smelt them? You're going to need something a lot stronger than sage before you plate this lot up."
"You traitor!" Gloin angrily cried.
"Bilbo, you have finally lost it!" Pipp mused. "And we haven't even gotten that far!"
"I swear Bilbo, if we..." Hitch called, before the spit turned his face away from Bilbo's, "...get out of this alive, I'm going...to kill you!"
Bill rolled his eyes. "What do you know about cookin' dwarf or pony?"
"Shut up," Bert silenced Bill. "Let the uh, flurgaburburhobbit talk."
"Uh, the secret to cooking dwarf is..." Bilbo began.
"Yes? Come on."
"It's uh..."
"Tell us the secret!"
"Chocolate!" Izzy cried, and soon she also hopped to full view of the trolls. "The correct way to cook dwarf is to cake them entirely in chocolate."
"Chocolate?" Bert scratched his head.
"Girl, now you've finally lost your mind!" Pipp shouted.
"Izzy, are you crazy?!" Sunny hissed again.
"Yes! Yes, that's right, thanks Izzy," Bilbo manatee smiled. "The secret is to cake them entirely in chocolate!"
"I ain't never 'eard of chocolate before," Bill spouted, being the only troll with some actual sense. "She's probably making it up!"
"You can't make up the deliciousness of chocolate! Well, you can..." Izzy went off on a tangent that had even the dwarves confused, while Bilbo noticed movement among the brightening rocks. "-believe me, check my saddlebag, but make sure to remove the wrapper, otherwise it will leave a bad aftertaste."
Bert then stomped over to where Izzy's saddlebag lay, and after lightly rummaging took out a bar of chocolate; he then fumbled open the wrapper, still confused.
"How are you supposed to cake 'em in this?"
"It has to be kept wrapped, otherwise it will melt, which will with the slightest touch of your..."
"Finger," Bilbo whispered.
"Finger!"
Sure enough, Bert noticed a small patch of melted chocolate on his finger, which he grossly licked clean. "Mmm, now that is quite a flavor, especially the sugary bits!"
"What a load of rubbish!" Bill spouted. "I've eaten plenty o' dwarf and pony even without the chocolate! Scoff 'em, I say! Boots and all!"
"'E's right!" Tom smirked, eyeing the pile of squirming sacks; specifically Pipp. "'Sides, this one looks like quite the morsel, she does."
He lunged over and then gripped Pipp by the end of her sack, dangling her right over his savoring mouth, whimpering greatly.
"Nice and crunchy," Tom smacked his lips.
"Please, no!" Zipp pleaded. "Not Pipp!"
"No, no, no!" Bilbo stammered. "Not that one! S-she's infected!"
Tom looked down at him, confused.
"You wot?" Bill raised an eyebrow.
"She's got worms in her...tubes."
Tom snarled in disgust before hurling Pipp right back into the pile. "Worms?!" she spluttered. "I'll put worms in your tubes when I'm through with you!"
"In fact, they all have! They're infested with parasites, it's a terrible business."
"Personally, I really wouldn't risk it," Izzy added.
"Parasites?! Did they say parasites?!" Oin demanded.
"Yeah! We don't have parasites! You have parasites!" Kili shouted.
"That's it!" Hitch raged. "We'll...have a talk, and...then I'll kill you!"
Thorin thought a moment, and then the realization came to him amongst the cacophony of insults. One swift kick, and a moment's silence, and it came clear for the others.
"I've...got parasites as big as my arm!" Oin corrected.
"Mine are the biggest! I've got huge parasites!" Kili added.
"We're riddled with them!" Zipp and Dori shouted.
"What would you 'ave us do then?" Bill asked approaching with suspicion. "Let 'em all go?"
"Well..." Izzy shrugged.
"You think I don't know what you're playin' at? These little ferrets are taking us for fools!"
"Ferrets?!" Bilbo spluttered.
"Fools?" Bert asked, confused.
"THE DAWN WILL TAKE YOU ALL!" Gandalf's voice called from atop a large boulder.
"Who's that?" Bill asked.
"No idea," Bert responded.
"Can we eat him too?" Tom thought aloud.
Suddenly, in a flash, Gandalf slammed his staff's end onto the boulder, causing it to split apart and reveal the rising sun to the trolls, turning them all right to stone. Whatever troubles they had were gone in twelve seconds flat. The company cheered at their rescue, and at the return of the Gray Wizard.
"Oh, get your hoof out of my back, Zipp!" Dwalin huffed.
By breakfast time they had been released from their makeshift prisons, some of the dwarves taking the most time to clothe their undergarments. Gandalf strolled about the trolls, rapping his staff playfully against the troll formally known as Tom.
"Where did you go, may I ask?" Thorin asked to Gandalf.
"To look ahead," he simply responded.
"And what brought you back?"
"Looking behind."
Thorin's mind was not put at ease, but Gandalf was Gandalf; one he never bothered to fully understand.
"Nasty business," Gandalf continued. "Still, they're all in one piece."
"Indeed." Thorin then looked over to see Hitch trying to apologize to both Bilbo and Izzy.
"You uh, must understand that I uh..." Hitch stammered.
"Master Trailblazer," Thorin called.
"Yes?" he replied, trotting over the pair, trying to appear brave.
"It seems you and your friends can acquit yourselves quite well, if need be," Thorin complemented. "I admit I was wrong about you."
Hitch was taken aback. "Well uh,...th-thank you Thorin. I-uh we do our best to protect ourselves and others. And, if so wish to, call me Hitch."
Thorin smiled, amused. "Very well, Hitch. We owe you all our lives."
Hitch then made his signature smug grin, which caused Thorin to laugh, before frowning again. "I wish I could the same about your burglar."
Pipp, who had been overhearing again, approached this time in defense against Thorin.
"Hey!" she snapped. "At least he and Izzy had the nerve and confidence to stall for time. I didn't hear you say anything to do so!"
Thorin looked back to her with the same look from before, right as Hitch quietly chuckled. "What's so funny?" he asked.
Hitch was about to respond, but instead he laughed more loudly. "It's nothing," he finally said. "Only...only that was good of Bilbo when he said we were infested with parasites!"
That was all he could hold in before he fully lost himself in his own humor; Pipp having to guide him away from where Thorin and Gandalf were evidently lost in thought.
Gandalf turned from the humorous earth-pony sheriff back to the literal stoned trolls. "They must have come down from the Ettinmoors."
"Since when do mountain trolls venture this far south?" Thorin pondered.
"Not for an age," Gandalf responded, shaking his head. "Not since a darker powered ruled these lands."
Evidently, Sunny was this time overhearing their conversation. "Darker power?" she mumbled under her breath. First the dragon, Azog and the orcs, and now...whatever this "darker power" was, or hopefully will no longer be.
"They could not have moved in daylight," Gandalf surmised.
"There must be a cave nearby," Thorin pondered again, also surmising the area.
Almost on cue can the unmistakable call of Izzy's wonderment of discovery. "Hey everyone! You all need to see this! There's this entire cave that's filled with all this cool stuff!"