//------------------------------// // Chapter 14 // Story: The Jerk // by Perception Filter //------------------------------// The Jerk Chapter 14 "Goddamn it. We have been walking for two days. How much longer do we have Discord?" One. "One what? Day, hour?" Day. "Fuck." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heavy Shot was confused. There was no doubting that. The captain of the Royal Guard had just admitted that he loved the Changeling Queen and not his actual fiancé. "So, wait. If you loved her, why didn't she love you back?" "She was only using me to break the shield around Canterlot." "Well fuck that shit!" "Excuse me?" "You heard me! Fuck that shit, you don't need her." "But I lo-" "Yes, and I get that. But you seriously need to do a few things. 1). Stop bumming down on yourself. 2). Realize that its not your fault for having normal pony emotions." "But I love her. Its still my fault." Heavy Shot was getting annoyed. He got up and slapped Shining as hard as he could. "Gah! What the hell was that man?" He asked, wincing and rubbing his cheek while wearily eyeing Heavy Shot. "I said, stop it." "But-" Before he could go any further he was cut off by another slap. "It's not your fault!" "Yes it is." He said still downtrodden. "MOTHERFUCKER! IF YOU DON'T STOP SAYING THAT I WI-" "Heavy shot." Came the motherly voice belonging to Celestia. "Let him brood. He will have to find his own way." Heavy Shot cringed and sat down, facing away from Shining and nose up in the air. Suddenly, a door on the far side of the room opened and light flooded the room. He winced and covered his eyes with a hoof until they adjusted and two Changelings walked in and dumped a pony into a larger cell that he could now see near the door. All those inside had no shackles and were cramped together so fiercely that they couldn't stand up without bumping into someone. The cell was an absolute mess. He was disgusted at this inhumane treatment and he sighed. "Princess," He began, even though Celestia had said a few times to call her by her name, he didn't listen. "Who are those ponies and why aren't they in cells like ours?" "Those were the ponies that didn't fight, and were deemed non-hazardous. So they were put in a larger cell with no shackles and eventually it was filled. Every so often they take some away and they never come back." She replied, shaking her head and sighing. "Do you know what's happening to them?" "No. No idea at all." My my. You really are a pessimist Celestia. ~~~~~~~~~ Celestia's eyes narrowed when she heard that voice that resounded through the room. "Discord." Good to see you still remember me Celestia. "How are you free Discord?" Free? Oh, ho no! Far from it. I am still in my nice comfy statue you made for me. "What do you want Discord?" Awww, back to business so soon? I really had hoped to chat for a while and catch up on things. "STOP STALLING!" She shouted in her rarely used Canterlot voice and everybody winced at the resounding ringing it caused. She blushed in embarrassment. Hmmmm, where to start. Oh yes, I want to be freed again. "Never. I will never allow you to be free. I will never allow chaos to take over again." Celestia, Celestia, Celestia. Always having so little fun with your "Harmony". There's nothing wrong with chaos, and I never actually hurt anybody. "Never." She said stubbornly, stamping her hoof into the ground. Oh well. We will see if your opinion changes soon. "We'll see." She said with a smug look on her face and turned to Luna. "So Luna, why in the world did you attack a heavily fortified Changeling base?" Luna adopted an evil smile on her face. "Well you see it all started a few days ago...." ~~~~~~~~~ "So, let me see...." I started and thought for a moment. Can't you just look at your Pip-Boy? "No, I want to see if I can remember.... Where to start. Okay, first of all I am an expert in Entomology." Which means? "I really like killing bugs... Okay, I got Fists of Iron. Makes them harder than normal." Annndd? "Keep your panties on I'm getting to it. For some reason, things around me explode when I hit them. I have deadened nerves {Toughness} so I can take more damage than others. I have a strong back, and I got Finesse. Stop not explaining things. He said with a double negative. "Fine, I am really good at targeting weak points on the body. I got a mysterious man who follows me around and shoots things when I use my V.A.T.S. function. I'm a silent runner, a robotics expert, and I am a night person. I have a skeleton coated with Adamantium, making it super durable. I'm a ninja, a-" Really? He asked with a deadpan tone? You actually just said that? You said you were a ninja? "Yes that's right ASSHOLE! I am a motherfucking ninja and you can go suck one. I'm an Infiltrator and a Computer Whiz, so I am a master at infiltration. I can paralyze people by hitting bundles of their nerves and then I beat the living, paralyzed, shit out of them. Oh, yea, so for this next one I have to explain V.A.T.S." What does that do? "It allows my Pip-Boy to tap directly into my brain and uses a computer program to near instantly target enemies with whatever weapon I have and acts out the body moves for me." Impressive. "Yea, but it has a limited power supply. It's called AP or ability points. I can't keep it up indefinitely. Even though I can't explain it, every time something dies when I am using this function, it restores this power supply. I call it the Grim Reapers sprint. I'm a warmonger, which gives me unique knowledge to construct makeshift weapons like this." and I held up my Deathclaw Gauntlet for emphasis. That's a pretty cool weapon. You never told me what it's called. "A Deathclaw gauntlet. One of the most dangerous creatures in the wasteland had its hand ripped off by my and made into a deadly weapon. Ultra-sharp claws." Is that it? "Oh hell no! I am a Xenotech expert, and I got nerves of steel." He was silent for several seconds before I facepalmed. "Sorry, I am an expert with alien weapons and my body can regenerate the power used by the V.A.T.S. function faster than normal." Well, I must say that that is pretty damn impressive. "Most people in the wasteland say I am no longer a human. With how much has changed, I wouldn't be surprised." I said and shook my head. "Yup... Those fuckers." I muttered. What's wrong? "Shut the fuck up." I growled at him. Okay man, I'm sorry. "Good...." I sighed. "So, what got you locked up?" Spreading chaos across Equestria. I still don't see why they didn't like it. I thought it was fairly entertaining. "Well you have to see it from their point." What do you mean? "Well you have to be able to step into their shoes for a moment." Ponies don't wear shoes. "Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to help you." Sorry. There was silence for a few moments. "Fine. Anyways, while you might see your chaos as entertaining, the ponies might not." Expand. "How far did you exactly go with all of this chaos?" Well, I turned a few of their buildings upside down, made the day/night cycle go haywire, and I made it rain chocolate milk. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I hadn't imaged that even HE would go that far. "Okay man, first of all. You have to see that people-" Ponies. "PONIES! Don't like change. There has to be a limit. Anything else you did?" Well, I made their corn pop into popcorn, I made the clouds cotton candy, and the roads made of soap. I had stopped for a break while he was talking, and I heaved my head back as far as I could, and smashed it into a small, dead, tree. It exploded into splinters. You okay man? "Fine, just had to work off some stress. Anyways man, that crosses a few lines. One, like I said, people-" Ponies. He corrected again. "WHATEVER! Ponies don't like change. Second, you are probably scaring them with all of the defying of logic." Isn't that the point of chaos? "Yes, but you have to tune it down." I'm not following you. "Don't cause so much chaos." ....I'm sorry, I am having a hard time grasping this. I sighed. "Okay. Word by word. Turn down." I stopped. Okay, so far I'm getting this. "The chaos." You had me and then you lost me. "Okay, let me see.... TURN DOWN THE FUCKING CHAOS!" GAHHH! FUCK! You don't need to yell. "I had to get my point across somehow.... Besides, it worked didn't it?" Well... Yes. I smiled. "There we go. Now, we begin your lessons." What's first boss? He said in an Italian accent. "Okay, first. If you want to be let out, you need a way to convince Celestia or whoever she is, to let you out." How do I do that? "Apologize, and make her know that you actually have changed." But I haven't. I still want to spread chaos everywhere. "Like I said. Take the chaos down. Don't go spreading it EVERYWHERE. Just, some small chaos here and there. Like that tree. What do you want to do to it?" I want to turn it into chocolate and its apples into multi-colored/flavored fruit. "Right there. You can't do that. For instance, instead only turn the apples into other fruit temporarily and when somebody gets confused, turn it back. Like pranking people." You are the first person to actually try and help me... Why are you doing it? "Because I swore that I would never allow a crime to go unpunished, any death go un-avenged; and most importantly, always do everything in my power to help people." What happens if you don't? "Then I know I have failed." At what? "My job." It's your job to protect people? "Not really, but I took it upon myself..... If you tell anyone about this I will brutally murder you. You will choke on your own intestines as they come out of your throat." That's pretty dark for a protector of people. I let out a malicious grin. "Sometimes there is more than one way to help people. Heal good people, or violently execute and maim the bad." Still... I let out a long hearty laugh. "It's fine. Just don't hurt or tell anyone and we'll get along fine. I really like you." Looks like we're here. True to his word, looming on the horizon was the castle. I looked in awe at its corrupted beauty. The castle remained unchanged in architecture, only it was covered in a black material that formed several holes and came out like a rock at sharp points. Overall, like a giant insect hive. "Discord, I have one last favor to ask of you." What's that? "Actually two." Yes? "Can you get my armor back?" Yes. Out of nowhere, my old set of Winterized T-51b power armor appeared out of nowhere. It even had the helmet, and I slipped into it. "Fuck you Discord. I could have had it this whole time." But it's not as much fun that way. "Screw you. Second request. Can you play a certain song for me while I walk in slowly like a badass?" What song. I smiled. "Look into my head. I know you have been doing it for a while. Just start playing it over my Pip-Boy when I say." You got it boss.