“She did what?!”
I wasn’t going to tell her again. I had already told her twice. I simply stared. Pinkie looked like she was going to pop. Popping is bad. She fills up some sort of air and then rains confetti all over the place. It’s messy. I didn’t want the Café we were at filled with color. I don’t think the owner would either.
“Don’t pop, Pinkie.”
“You just said Starlight put the moves on my sister. She just broke up with Trixie like, two weeks ago!”
“Two months ago.” Pinkie didn’t like to remember sad things. She didn’t keep track of those like she did birthdays and anniversaries. She didn’t even talk about Mud Briar except in whispers. Like he would return if she talked too loud and correct her. If he was a ghost he would.
“Whatever, “ Pinkie dismissed that with a hoof wave in the air. “That doesn’t mean she can take advantage of you and get all touchy-feely when you don’t want it.”
I said nothing. I didn’t want to say what I was thinking. I didn’t want my thoughts out loud. It was still too soon.
“You didn’t want it, right, Maud?”
Pinkie was digging. I hated that sort of digging. I preferred a pickaxe.
“Right?”
I said nothing. It was better than saying anything. Pinkie wouldn’t let go once she got a thought in her head. I wasn’t sure which way to answer anyway.
“Gasp! You did, didn't you?” Pinkie’s eyes got so wide that it didn’t seem physically possible. “Maud. It hasn’t been that long since… since you lost Mud Briar. Are you sure you’re ready?”
“Ready?”
“For another relationship.” Pinkie’s eyes resumed their normal shape and stared at me in concern.
“I didn’t say I wanted a relationship.”
“Maud, I’m your sister. I know.” I hate her Pinkie sense sometimes. It could pierce through not just stone and rock, but ponies’ hearts too.
“I’m not sure...”
“Yes you are. You just don’t want to believe it.”
“It’s too soon.”
“It might be,” Pinkie said. She screwed her eyes up in thought. “Buuuut does your heart care about that? It’s going want and want and want and want. It’s not going to follow rules or time tables. It just loves things. And ponies. And it loves a pony right now, doesn’t it?”
I simply stared. Pinkie was right. She was always right. I wanted to tell her it was something different, but I knew it wasn’t. Somewhere in the middle of watching her crying and sharing her bed, my heart had decided it wanted Starlight.
How could I tell her? Should I tell her? Did I have the right to? It had only been 2 months.
“I don’t know if she’s ready.” I finally concluded.
“Maud, you silly pony. She gets to make that choice, not you. If she’s… doing that stuff, then maybe she’s telling you she is ready.”
“But she said she didn’t want anything serious.”
“Of course not. Serious isn’t fun. She wants to show you she’s still fun, and not mopey all the time. Hmm, maybe she needs a party. I could put together something quick before I pick up Little Cheese from the foalsitters.”
“I don’t think I will feel comfortable at a party. I should just tell her.”
“Okie dokie artichokie, but if you two do get together you have to let me throw a congratulations party.”
She winked at me, then ordered a dozen cream puffs to go from the café we were at. I watched the “to go” order vanish into her mouth. I wondered why she bothered with the bag. “Oh, shoot, I’d better get going. I don’t want to miss the twelve o’clock parade.”
She dashed out of the café and started marching all by herself in the middle of the street. She pulled her instruments out of her mane and started to play. The ponies that watched her fell in line behind her as her planned impromptu parade made its way through the center of town.
It was a good thing I didn’t ask for a party. Pinkie would have tried to fit one in between all that work.
***
I returned home to find Starlight waiting for me. I didn’t know if I should tell her my feelings. Was I taking advantage of her? Was I one of those ponies that preys on downcast ponies’ feelings?
“Maud! There you are,” Starlight said as a warm smile graced her face. “I got so used to you always being around, I was a little worried when I couldn’t find you.”
“I met with Pinkie.”
“Oh good. I had hoped you two were getting along now.”
She was referring to the yelling incident. Pinkie tried to help when I was in my depression, and I’d yelled at her. Once I moved in with Starlight and Trixie, I forced myself to apologize. I don’t like sweeping things under the rug—you can still see them if you look. Pinkie hadn’t even been mad, though; we’d gone on as if nothing had happened. It had surprised me, but that was Pinkie.
“I have a surprise,” Starlight continued, pulling me out of my thoughts. “You know how last night I… um… got a little… excited? I thought about it, and I think I need to blow off some steam. So I talked to my old buddies from Our Town and they agreed to go on a double date with us.”
“By ‘double date’ you mean...”
“Well, of course I wasn’t going to leave you out,” she said as my heart sank to my hooves. “I found a nice stallion that sounded interested, and Night Flyer is coming. We’re going out.”
I could barely contain my utter disappointment. Pinkie’s advice seemed completely off. How could I tell her my true feelings after this?
“So, let’s get ready!” She looked like her sun had risen again. There was a lightness to her that I hadn’t seen in months, maybe years. The toll that Trixie took on her had been awful.
“Okay,” was all I could muster. It was the worst possible time to bring up my problem. I decided to help her get ready instead.
The dress I picked for her was jaw-dropping. I didn’t have that physical reaction, but I definitely felt my heart racing. My heart wasn’t in my jaw, though.
Starlight twirled around to show off her new look, and each revolution seemed to add more credence to Pinkie’s theory. I found myself having difficulty thinking clearly as my emotional state took over. Luckily, most ponies can’t tell.
“Well?” she asked. “What do you think?”
“You look amazing,” I admitted with the same dry tone I use for everything. It was hard to really emote with a tone like that. But it was all I had.
“Good! Now let’s pick something for you.”
***
I had one dress. Only one. I wore it everywhere. The material was a synthetic polymer that withstood the dangers of my job. It even repelled dirt. I didn’t want to tell her that.
“Umm, do you have any other dresses?”
I shook my head. Starlight was looking in my closet, which was empty except for my helmet. I still felt embarrassed. It was like letting her into a much more personal space. Or it could have been from my heightened emotional state.
“Oh. Well, you want to borrow one of mine?”
It was a simple question. But the thought slipping into something that she wore felt very intimate. Like having a piece of her so close. It would smell like her and move in the way she normally moved. I was physically larger, so the dress would be tight. Like she was continually hugging me.
“Yes.” I tried not to sound as enthusiastic as I felt.
Starlight brought me back into her room. I looked at the bed we had been sharing for the last two months. It was soft and warm and well-used. The type of bed that seems to get more inviting the longer you spend in it. I realized that if Starlight got her way, another pony would be in it with her. Not me. I didn’t like that thought.
“I’m not sure how I feel about this.” I hoped my discomfort would dissuade her. I wasn’t ready to tell her the truth yet.
“Maud, I know you’re… like a camel.” Starlight had her back towards me as she looked through her dresses. “But I really need to blow off some steam. I’m too pent-up to think straight right now. So this will help. And it might help you… you know, find your mojo again.”
Mojo was not the issue. I had plenty of that. Most ponies would be surprised at the depth of my want. But it’s something I only share with special ponies. Only ponies like Mud Briar, who are truly worthy of it.
“Here it is.” Starlight brought out a red dress that sparkled in the lamp lights.
I tried to imagine her in it. Glittering in the light of the Grand Galloping Gala. The pink and red swirling about as she danced. It was a thought that nearly stopped my breath. But I breathed anyway. Bad things happen to ponies who don’t breathe.
“Try it on,” she said as she thrust the red dress of light and winks into my hooves. I took off my frock and saw Starlight flush. “Maybe in some place… not in front of me.”
“But you don’t wear clothes at all.”
“Remember how I’m feeling? Watching you undress makes it worse.”
I nearly threw my frock off just to see if she would succumb. But that would be wrong; taking advantage of her weakness to get what I want. So I relented and moved to a secluded location.
When I returned Starlight looked like her eyes were going to burst. Her face flushed and her cheeks reddened. A smile graced her lips that made my heart ache to see. I felt my cheeks color. It was probably just a lighter shade of grey.
“You look amazing!” She giggled like a school foal. “No stallion could resist you. I’m having a hard time myself.”
Little comments like that were pinpricks to my soul. I knew she meant it as a compliment, but it hurt anyway.
I couldn’t do this for much longer. I couldn’t keep it in. Pinkie was right. The heart doesn’t care about timetables. It was beating so hard that the floor shook. Or were my legs shaking? My body was normally much sturdier than this.
“Starlight, I—”
A loud knock at the door interrupted my nerve. Starlight turned and made an excited sound that Pinkie usually made. Kind of like a squee, but maybe it was more of a squeak.
“They’re here! Are you ready to bust a move?”
“No.”
“Well, I’ll help you get started. Think grace and style. I know you can dance. Just think of your body moving like that.”
I didn’t like to show off my dance skills. It was one of the few things I used to love doing as a foal. Not as much as rocks, but the sensation helped stimulate endorphins that caused a giddy feeling inside me. So I tried to put my dance knowledge to use as Starlight suggested.
It was strange to dance to the door with the impending feeling of doom on you. One way or another my little fantasy bubble was going to change.