You are Marquess Anon of the Everfree, and you are preparing for a meeting with some very important ponies.
It has been about two weeks since you first purchased your property in the Everfree Forest. That is to say, more or less the entire forest. Ever since then you have been forced to more or less constantly busy yourself with a series of neverending meetings, record keepers, lawmakers, lobbyists, and general flank-kissers as you tried to prepare for today.
What is today? Today is the day that the Princesses have decided to personally meet with you to discuss the terms of your land ownership.
Luckily, you have found yourself quite motivated. With your available free time and solitude at all-time lows, you have probably never been more spurred to action, if only so you can resume your quiet, favored pastime of long-term inaction.
You had pardoned Twilight from the proceedings almost immediately after you figured out you were going to have to figure out exactly what your land ownership constitutes legally through negotiation. She was a good girl at heart, but you knew that she wouldn’t be able to maintain an unbiased perspective if your interests and the Princesses' interests came into conflict. Besides, you think she will be much happier being on the other side of the bargaining table.
You had instead, on the recommendation of Filthy Rich (Who by the by, seemed significantly happier to help you than he would have about two weeks prior) Hired a couple of lawyers to help you sort through the paperwork, doing a second pass over what twilight had already helped you establish before your first meeting and adding a few notes of their own. You even convinced Granny Smith to let you go and dig through the old Apple Family record piles to see if anything relevant came up! Ipso Facto and Fine Print have done a real bang-up job, and you are confident that you will have the upper hand in these talks.
The Mayor was kind enough to allow the lot of you to make use of the Town Hall for your meeting, and you were currently waiting there alone, sitting at a large, round table with your hands laid atop a briefcase in front of you. You had invited Zecora to attend the proceedings, since these talks might affect her as well, and you wanted to make sure that her voice was heard. She had politely declined, seeming to trust your ability to handle the situation, and not wanting to bother herself with it. You really had to admire that mare. She really knew how to go with the flow.
You did not have to wait too much longer, after about fifteen more minutes, two guards trotted through the front door, each taking up a post and blowing a fanfare on a brass horn, a third guard trotting forward and opening a scroll in one hoof, clearing his throat to read.
“Ahem- Announcing the arrival of: Princess Regnant Celestia Morningstar, The Dawnbringer, Arbiter of Justice, First of Her Name.
Princess Regnant Luna Moonshadow, Herald of the Night Mistress of Dreams, First of Her Name.
Princess Regnant Mi Amore Cadenza, Lady of Love, Keeper of the Crystal Heart. Princess Twilight Sparkle, Keeper of the Fire of Friendship, Order of Starswirl: Second Class, Keeper of the Fire of Friendship, Bearer of the Element of Magic.
Prince Consort Shining Armor, Shield of His Empire, Captain of the Crystal Guard.
The Most Illustrious Lord Anonymous, Marquess of the Everfree Territories, and er...” He squinted and seemed a bit confused as he read the final bit. “Based Chad?”
As each of these people, save for yourself is announced, they slowly file into the room and take their seats. You admittedly feel a bit...intimidated with so many mega magical poners in the same room, so you clear your throat and say the first thing that comes to mind to break the ice.
“Based Chad? Really? I mean, don't get me wrong, I’m flattered but I didn’t think they would actually let me put that in my royal title. Do they read it out like that every time I have a meeting like this?”
Celestia gives a small chuckle at this, nodding. “Indeed. Twilight explained that it was a...phrase relevant to your native culture, so we decided to allow it. We figured that you might try to slip something of the sort in anyway, given Twilight’s previous notes on you in her friendship reports.”
Luna seems slightly more confused, and all-around slightly more irritated. Some of that might be due to her being up past her bedtime for sure, but you have a feeling she is not entirely happy to have to be here. “And what, prithee, Lord Anonymous, does ‘based’ mean, if We may indulge in sating Our curiosity?”
You smirk and shake your head. “My apologies Princess, but I do not think you would understand, you’re not based enough.”
Twilight audibly chokes as she hears you say this, her eyes filling with that trademark Sparklebutt Anxiety (trademark pending). Luna’s eye twitches slightly, and her jaw visibly tightens. “I see…” she turns to her Celestia, a more confident, cocky grin returning to her face. “Sister, could you please enlighten Us since this lout has seen fit to make an amusement of Our ignorance?”
Celestia shrugs, giving her an apologetic look. “Sorry dear sister, but I have to agree, you are simply not based enough.”
Luna gives a small startled grunt as if she had been punched in the gut, one of her ears twitching as she collects herself with a small sigh. “We...see. We will have to correct Our lack of ‘basedness’ forthwith after this meeting.”
In an attempt to divert what will obviously become a trainwreck of a situation if left to its own devices, you clap your hands and rub them together to get everyone's attention before starting to speak once more. “Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I would prefer to keep the pleasantries to a minimum until we get everything sorted out. Your Highnesses, did you manage to find any of this lost documentation I have been hearing so much about in the interim?”
Celestia frowns softly as she draws a sigh that nearly matches her sisters. “Unfortunately, there is...good reason why the documentation no longer exists. At the conclusion of the War of the Long Night, culminating in myself and my sister's climactic showdown…” Luna rolls her eyes and huffs at this “There was, as Twilight has told you, an invasion by the Griffin Empire. This unprompted assault by the griffin forces caused a number of our allies at the time to come to our aid, as was mandated by several treaties we were involved with during that time period.
You shake your head and give a small sigh. “Let me guess, a number of other countries who also had similar contractual obligations all started dogpiling on each other in an international landgrabbing clusterfuck resulting in global scale warfare?”
Celestia visibly reddened with embarrassment, something you had never seen from her before. This must be really fucking embarrassing for her. “The Wars of Blood and Soil were a dark mark on the whole of our world, and we are deeply ashamed to have allowed it to come about. But as I was getting to...during this time a lot of records were lost or destroyed. Some by acts of espionage, some in conquest, some by their own holders in desperation. Coupled with the fact that the records housed originally in our old castle were mostly lost in the ensuing final showdown, and very little of equestrian original founding documents remain.”
Cadence decides to cut in next. Perhaps she feels the mood is getting a bit too dour. “Luckily, the borders of all involved parties were restored to more or less a pre-war state upon the signing of the International Sovereign border Agreement. Shiny knows more about this sort of thing than I do, so I will let him explain in greater detail.”
The Prince stood up a bit straighter in his seat as he directed his attention to you. “Thank you, pumpkin. As my wife was saying, Lord Anonymous, the ISBA, which was signed by all of the major powers of the Wars of Blood and Soil, explicitly agreed to restore the borders of all involved countries to their pre-war conditions, in exchange for the promise to refrain from attempting to seize territory from one another through the use of involuntary measures. The document outlines the conditions under which war could be justifiably declared and engaged in, and stipulated the terms under which territory could be legally held for the purposes of a continuing war effort. These protections extend in a manner of speaking to nations outside of the agreement, in that nations which have signed may not engage in these acts against any nation without the proper justification. Any nation which violates the terms of this document loses these protections and is deemed as er...fair game.”
“I...see..” You say simply as you allow the prince to finish his long-winded explanation. “As it just so happens, I have secured a copy of this document for the purposes of our talks today.” You say as you snap open your briefcase and pull the document in question out, clearing your throat as your eyes skim over it. “My lawyers have confirmed to me that the three conditions under which land may be willingly ceded from the rule to one party or another are: A. Through a direct monetary offer or exchange via bartering, officiated by the holder of the appropriate documentation, B. Through the direct permissed allotment of land to another party by the landowner, or C. Through reclamation by another party after the land has been explicitly abandoned by its previous owner.”
Celestia slowly nodded, squinting softly. Twilight seems to only get more anxious as she sees it. Sees “the look” on your face. The look you get when you are about to pull a real pro gamer move.
You look at Twilight and give a small wink as you pull out the Everfree Company charter. “Well, it just so happens that under the letter of the law, and in the context of all existing and verifiable documentation, my Purchase of the Everfree falls neatly into all three categories.”
“WHAT!!?”
The sound of all four of the Princesses putting on the Royal Canterlot Voice is deafening, and you grip your documents tightly as your poor lawyers are sent slamming into a wall by the sheer force of the sound of it. You will have to see about giving them a bonus, they don’t deserve that, they didn't even need to be here, you just didn’t want to be the only one on your side of the Table, and Granny Smith was too busy being old and busted to attend.
You allow your ears a moment to recover and nod, explaining. “According to the original Everfree Company Charter, Agreed upon bt the Crown and Granny Smith, Stinkin Rich and Company, the territory allotted to them is, and I quote directly: ‘forsaken by The Crown, once lost to time.’, which in tandem with clear lack of investment, infrastructure maintenance, and law enforcement in the area all clearly identify the territory as abandoned by The Crown.”
As you explain your case to the royals, you notice Luna in particular becoming increasingly agitated, her breathing quickening, her eyes becoming slowly bloodshot as she glares at you. You shrug and continue anyway.
“Secondly, This territory was specifically allotted to the Everfree Company by Its previous owners with wording that explicitly confirms that the Crown does not want the land and is surrendering it to a group which thinks they can handle its development, which in tandem with being technically abandoned property ipso facto renders the translation a full-on transfer of territory rather than a simple territorial allotment, which further legitimizes my final point. Since I legally purchased the land wholesale from its rightful owners, that being, the Township of Ponyville, via the current Rightsholder, Mayor Mare, I assert that the Everfree Forest territory, with the exception of the legally re-integrated Township of Ponyville, is independent, Sovereign Soil, and press my right as the current rights holder for formally secede from Equestria-”
At this, Luna roars and slams her hooves on the table, cracking it quite severely, eyes filled with rage. “Enough of this! We shall not tolerate another moment of this foolish monkey's blathering! This is utterly asinine!”
Wow Luna, your thousand years of banishment are showing, fucking racist ass horses.
Celestia does her best to calm her sister as the other two princesses and the prince all decide to take this time to slowly back away from the table. “Now, Luna, there is no need for this, I am sure that we can come to a reasonable, mutually satisfactory-”
“NAY, sister! This whelp seeks to pull our ancestral home out from under us using devious legal chicanery. Every moment he sits there and impudently claims ownership over our ancestral home is an insult to Our honor and We shall not HAVE IT!”
You raise a hand and try to defend yourself verbally. “In all fairness, if it was so important to you you could have avoided this by simply sending some guards out to patrol the thing every once in a wh-”
“LORD ANONYMOUS, WE CHALLENGE THEE TO A DUEL FOR THE CONTESTED TERRITORY, CHOOSE THY METHOD OF COMBAT OR FORGO THINE CLAIMS TO OUR HOME!”
You smile wide, bolting up from your chair, the furniture slamming against one of your layers still slumped on the wall who gave a soft groan as you answered her. “I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE! The contest shall be a no magic allowed, no holds barred, single match of…”
The tension in the air is palpable, everyone seems to hold their breath, Luna beaming at you, confident she can defeat you in whatever contest you-”
“Rock Paper Scissors.”
Luna’s grin widens further. “HAH! Foolish Knave, prepare to be defeated at our...hooves…” her grin then slowly diminishes as she looks down at her...hooves. “Oh, Buck.”
Celestia simply places her face in her hooves and issues a low, defeated groan.