The door to the library opened up, and I walked out of the kitchen to see a yellow mare with a red mane standing in the library, looking at a nearby book. I smiled at her when she looked up to notice me.
"Hello, I'm Twilight Sparkle," I said. "You looking for something?"
"Yes, I'm looking for a book," the mare said in an odd voice that sounded Trottingham, but... not really? Doesn't matter. She might have some interesting stories.
"Definitely," I said. "Was there any particular book you were looking for, or do you need some suggestions?"
"Yes, I was looking for 'Thirty Days in the Badlands with the Duchess of Baltimare' by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.?" The mare smiled and tilted her head. "Where can I find that?"
"Uh..." I blinked. What in Equestria was she talking about? "I, uh, don't think I've ever heard of that book, ma'am. That's... I don't know it."
Which, now that I think about it, bothered the Tartarus out of me.
"Not to worry, not to worry," the mare said, waving her hoof. "How about A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Fight'?"
I... uh... I forced a weak smile on my face. "B-by?"
"A griffin lady whose name eludes me at the moment," she replied.
Okay, I'd have to look into that later. I lit my horn and grabbed some writing materials to remind me to look into the titles at a later date. There was always new room in the library for new books.
"Sorry we don't have that," I said. "I can certainly see if there's another library around here that has one so I can get it ordered for you."
"Never mind, that's alright." She turned to the bookcases. "How about 'The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide?'"
I perked up. Finally one I could help her with. "Yes! We do have that. You know, Princess Celestia was thinking about putting out a new edition that had stuff about my friends and I in it. I don't know if she needs to do that, but Rarity was saying--"
"The one with 'harmony' spelled h-a-r-m-e-n-y."
I screeched to a halt just as I was about to take the book in question off of the shelf. "I... uh..." I turned to her again. "S-sorry, but, and I don't mean to be rude here, harmony is spelled h-a-r-m-o-n-y."
"Yes, but not with this book," she replied. "In this book it's spelled with an 'e'."
"No, no, that's not right." I lit my horn and took the book off of the shelf, turning it to her to show her the spine. "See? Harmony with an 'o'."
The mare raised an eyebrow. "Yes, but that's not the right book."
I scoffed. "'The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide! What other book is there with this title?!"
"That one is the only one with that title," the mare admitted. "But the other one is about the elements that Duchess Weeble the Fourth used to prove that her husband was murdered by Vitcome Charbindar the Nineteenth."
"R-right." I put the back and turned to the fiction section. "We might have it right here. Do you know who it's by?"
"I don't know why it would be there," the mare said, walking next to me. "It really happened. Ten-forty-seven A.H. in the tiny hamlet of Quebec in Trottingham."
"I've never heard of that." I wrote the title down. If nothing else, it sounded like an interesting read about a part of Equestrian history that I'd never delved in to. It's not like I was totally brushed up on the history of Trottingham. Could be good for a late-night read before bed.
"Hm." The mare tilted her head. "Funny. You got a lot of books here."
"Yeah, but not every book ever printed," I replied giving the mare a weak chuckle. "We're sure to be missing some. Or a lot of them. Most of them. We're just a humble library in a tree. I could probably find those books in the Canterlot library."
"Maybe, but I'm looking for something to read now."
"Well then, I have some excellent suggestions that--"
"How about 'Sleepovers 101'?"
Okay, there's no way that the title was different. I cleared my throat and turned to the shelf housing the book. "Y-yeah. I've read that myself. Well, I mean, I've read every book in here, but when my friends Rarity and Applejack came over--"
She interrupted me, of course. I should have known that it wasn't going to be simple.
"Sleepovers naturally having a space between the two words so you know it's not the book about staying over at somepony else's house, but rather about good tips for waking up. Sleep overs."
I just... well, that might be good for Spike. "No, we don't have that one."
"No? Okay, how about 'The Brief Reign of Prince Antares and his Horseshoes?"
"No, I don't think so."
"'The Physics of the Wavy Alicorn Manes'?"
Ooh, that one sounded promising. I jotted the title down. Still...
"No, I think we're missing that one."
"'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix'? That one might be in your fiction section."
"I'll have to see if I can order it."
"'Naked Singularity: Event Horizons of Lust'?"
I blushed and suddenly couldn't make eye contact with her. "No, no, definitely not."
The mare shrugged. "Oh well. Sorry to trouble you."
My smile turned genuine for the first time in a few minutes. I'd have to have Spike look at some of the book titles, so I could see if I could order them from Canterlot's library. Either way, I could go back to making lunch. "Yeah, sorry I can't help you. Have a good day."
The mare smiled and nodded. "You too."
Okay, now that that was over, I had a sandwich and some potato chips waiting for me. Maybe I'd dip into my soda stash, too.
Before I could, the mare stopped and perked up. "Oh, wait, how about 'Princess Celestia Gets Mugged?'"
I could feel a smashing headache creeping up. Maybe I'd need a bit of something to mix with the soda. "No, we don't have that one."
"How about 'Doring Da and the Sapphire Statue?'"
"No, we don't have anything that--"
"By A.K. Yearling."
My eyes narrowed. Okay, I'd read everything she'd ever written, and I'd never heard of that. "A.K. Yearling?"
"Yeah, for sure!"
"So... you mean 'Daring Do and the Sapphire Statue'?"
The mare frowned and shook her head. "What? No, 'Doring Da and the Sapphire Statue' by A.K. Yeerling, that's Yeerling with two 'e's the popular Stalliongrad author."
My eye twitched, and a few strands of my mane started sticking out. "No, we don't have 'Doring Da and the Sapphire Statue' by A.K. Yeerling, the famous author from Stalliongrad. To save time, we don't have 'Deering Deer and the Sipphire Statue' by O.K. Yourling, Drubbing Dee and the Sopapilla Statue' by E.K. Rearing with a silent 'x', nor do we have--" I glanced over to where the normal book was and saw that the slot was empty. "Uh... 'Daring Do and the Sapphire Statue by A.K. Yearling. I guess that one got checked out." I couldn't keep the scowl off my face. "But we don't have the other ones either!"
The mare tilted her head. "Are you sure? You have a lot of books here."
A few more strands pinged out. "Quite sure. Maybe the used book section of Barnyard Bargains would have what you're looking for."
The mare shook her head. "I tried, they sent me here."
A few more strands. "Did they? How very kind of them. Really nice."
"Well, that's okay. Do you have 'The Times of Nockermicker Blongting the Duke of Iselin and His Amazing Pet Ferret Borgie?"
"Definitely not." I shrugged. "That's weird, we have a lot of books here." I cleared my throat and started nudging the mare's shoulder. "Well, I'm sorry that I couldn't help you out more."
"That's fine. Do you have--"
"Nope! Nope Nope! Now, it's really--"
"I--"
"I'm closing for lunch, then doing inventory for the rest of the week, so if you want to come back a long, long time from now, I--"
"Wait, wait, I saw it, though!"
I stopped trying to throw her like a discus through my door and turned to see where she was pointing. "Saw what?"
"'The Comprehensive Guide to Equestrian Birds."
"Uh..." I cleared my throat and walked over to the book in question, taking it off of the shelf with my magic. "E-q-u-e-s-t-r-i-a-n?"
"Yes."
"B-i-r-d-s?"
"Yes."
Okay, this wouldn't be a total waste. She'd get her book and read it, giving me a bit of time to look into the other books she was asking for. I forced a smile on my face and turned to her. "Yes. Yes. Yes! We have that one!" I shook it in my magic. "Right here! So, let me just--"
"The censored version."
My heart sank, and my teeth clenched. I took a deep breath to steady myself, then turned to look at her, despite not wanting to. "The censored version?"
The mare nodded. "The one without the gannet."
"The... the one without the gannet?! They've all got the gannet! It's an Equestrian bird! It's in all the books!"
The mare sat down, frowned and crossed her forelegs. "Well, I don't like them. They wet their nests."
A few more hairs pinged out. "They... of course... so..." I opened the book right to the gannet. "Okay, I'll make the page invisible!" I lit my horn, and the page vanished. "It'll all come back when you drop the book off. Any other ones?"
"The Ponyville Pelican."
"Ponyville Pelican... Ponyville Pelican..." I found the page, and out it went. "Any others?"
"Stalliongrad Blue Parrot."
"Stalliongrad... Stalliongrad, aha!" No more page for her. "There you go!" I shot the book at her, hitting her right in the chest as she stood up. "There's your book!"
The mare frowned at me and pushed the book away. "I can't check that out, it's missing pages. I--"
"I don't have anything!" I tore several books off of the shelves and waved them at her. "These are all fake! Real learning happens in real life! They're filler!"
The mare blinked in confusion. "A-all of them?"
"Yes, all of them!" I grabbed her in my magic and threw the door open. "No books here! Have a good day!"
"But if I could just--"
I threw her straight out of the library. She landed right on the dirt road, but that didn't seem to bother her too much. She stood up and smiled at me. "Sorry, I was just looking for a book. I didn't mean to make things so chaotic for you."
"Whatever," I growled. "Just..."
Wait...
Hang on...
My teeth started grinding together, and my ears began twitching. My mane was frazzled enough that it would take half an hour to get it back to normal. All of the frustration that had been building up exploded as the mare skipped away.
"KRISTEN! ANN! POWELL!!!!!!"
Uproarious laughter was my only response.
* * * *
Ah, I couldn't have planned that better. She'll eventually cool down. Twilight's friends would probably all get a laugh out of it. Heck, TD and the other alicorns probably would, too.
In fact, I was just passing Sugarcube Corner, so it would be a good time to tell Pinkie all about it and maybe get a pastry of some kind. My chaos magic could make whatever I wanted to eat, but it couldn't compare to Pinkie's work.
I walked in and saw Pinkie behind the register. The only other pony in the store was a pegasus mare reading a copy of 'The Times of Nockermicker Blongting the Duke of Iselin and His Amazing Pet Ferret Borgie'. Pinkie's smile widened when I approached the register.
"Hey, Pinkie," I said. "How are things?"
"Pretty good," she replied. "Just had our lunch rush, so it's nice to have some down time."
"Wow, it looks like you were busy." I looked down at the display case and saw that there wasn't anything in it. I know that Sugarcube Corner could be popular, but this might be a record. "You going to have anything until dinner?"
"Oh, sure," Pinkie said, waving her hoof toward the kitchen. "We've got a bunch of stuff cooling."
My ears perked up. Her stuff was always the best. "Great! Do you have any strudel, then?"
Pinkie grimaced and shook her head. "Sorry, we're out of the cherries. Should get a shipment in tomorrow."
I shrugged. "Eh, that's fine. Any lemon cupcakes?"
"We sold out of those completely, and I have a big order to fill for tomorrow, so we're not prioritizing those right now."
"Okay, how about some hot chocolate?"
"Machine's broken."
"A latte?"
"That machine was what broke the hot chocolate one."
I frowned and tilted my head.
"Carrot cake?"
"Golden Harvest didn't have a great harvest this week, and the fancy-schmansy restaurants got first pick."
"Red velvet cake?"
"Nope."
"App--" My eyes narrowed. "Oh, you sneaky little--"
I flew over the counter, just as Pinkie shot out from behind the corner and straight out of Sugarcube Corner. I screeched to a halt, then reversed course and flew after her, a huge grin on my face despite Pinkie's little victory.
"Get back here! I'm going to turn your bed into a giant squid!"
Laughter was the only response I got.