Chapter One Hundred Fifteen
Celestia did her best not to let out a frustrated sigh as she looked at the file in front of her, its manila folder held slightly askew to allow for the best angle of light for reading without requiring her to strain her eyes; at least not with that particular part of all this.
Being co-ruler of Equestria, there were certain aspects of the job that she hated. Certain aspects that really tested and strained the carefully constructed image of serenity incarnate that she'd spent innumerable decades carefully crafting and meticulously perfecting.
The departure of Shining Armor after his marriage to Cadence, and additional departure to oversee the Crystal Empire, had left the position of Captain of the Royal Guard painfully absent. An absence that'd been filled by Ready Stance as acting Captain until a more suitable replacement could be found for the position. Although she'd hoped that he would've accepted the role on a permanent basis, what with his years of service making him a more than qualified individual.
But with his death at the hooves of Nightmare Moon, that sadly wasn't a possibility. Which led her to where she currently was; carefully reviewing and even scrutinizing the personnel records of the five applicants who had managed to pass the written exam portion of being considered eligible for promotion. That was perhaps the part she hated the most, having to review so many minute details before making the final determination of which candidate she could deem most qualified.
Service history, infractions and disciplinary history, commendations they'd been nominated for, commendations they'd been awarded, commendations they'd been denied and the reason for why the denial was made, medical history, annual psychiatric evaluations, attendances, absences and the reasons for such, and so many other details that all had to be read through and compared to the others. And it all had to be done by her...
So help her, she was going to have that changed at some point in the future.
"Lieutenant Piercing Lance."
The metallic clacking of shoes against each other, muffled somewhat by the carpeting, indicated the guard that stood before her desk and behind the folder was doing their best to stand even more at attention at being addressed.
"Yes, Ma'am!"
"At ease, Lieutenant," she insisted, mentally wondering if such a snap, disciplined reaction to being addressed should count in favor of promotion, or count against it. "There's no need for that right now."
For a military organization, it would be one thing. But for an organization that was closer to a police force in terms of authorities and duties, it was decidedly another matter.
Granted, she certainly didn't want them sloppy and disorganized. But overdoing it wasn't a whole lot better.
"My apologies, Your Highness."
"Accepted," she replied, wishing that she could take her own advice and give even half a slouch like the guard at the moment. "Can you tell me why you're here today, Lieutenant Lance?"
"I assume it's to be informed my score was too low to pass the Captain's exam, Your Highness. Presently that failing is the only thing coming to mind. Unless this is a disciplinary hearing for some infraction I didn't realize I'd committed."
"Well then you may be pleased to know that you're wrong, on both counts," Celestia replied with a slight smile at being able to deliver good news for a change. "I honestly don't know who you've spoken to, or what they've told you, but you didn't fail. A score of ninety five on the written exam is passing, which is what your score was."
"Isn't that just as good as failing, Your Highness? The others all scored higher than I did; I heard them talking about their results. Thunder Strike scored a ninety seven! Bolt Face, Brick Wall and-"
"Yes. I'm aware of how each of you scored, Lieutenant, I have those results here as well," Celestia interrupted as she briefly turned her attention to the exams, which also had to be present for the purpose of this meeting. "It's true, of the five you scored the lowest on the written exam. But the position you're applying for isn't like a gold star, hoofed out to the student in class with the highest score. And the exam only demonstrates that an applicant has the ability to memorize facts and information, it can't tell me about their character. That's why these face-fo-face interviews are so important to the process. Each of you are being interviewed to determine which one of you is the most qualified for the position."
"O-oh..."
With that matter tended to for the moment, Celestia could return to scrutinizing the files in front of her, and proceed with the interview process.
Also, she would need to speak with somepony about this sort of misunderstanding. Over the decades, the number of individuals who believed the highest score on the written exam was the most important factor in determining who got promoted, had actually managed to increase rather than decrease. There was definitely a shortcoming to be had somewhere down the line, but that would have to be dealt with later. Right now she had to tend to this. And then she had four more interviews to conduct. And then she had to review everything herself, and make the final determination on which applicant was most fit to be promoted.
"Now then, Lieutenant Lance," she continued, refocusing her thoughts on the task before her. "If you were promoted, what is it that you could bring to the Royal Guard?"
"Speaking freely, Your Highness? Not a blasted thing! I didn't even expect to get as far as this! The only reason I took the Captain's test in the first place, is because I didn't want the rest of the guards to think I was too scared to try. They'd never let me forget that. I know that's not a very good reason and all, but that's how it is."
Well now. That was certain a unique answer as far as they went, as far as Celestia could remember. And perhaps the most honest as well.
Not that others who held the position of Captain weren't honest. But there had been so many who hadn't been cut out for the position. Certain individuals who didn't possess the right mindset for the authority the position brought with it.
As much as she hated to admit it, over the decades certain individuals within the Guard had held ambitions of power, and believed that enough promotions and advancements would be the ticket to accomplishing those goals. Honestly, she'd rather not think about those cases, even though she needed to keep them in mind so as to prevent such an occurrence from happening.
"About the only thing I could really do well as Captain, would be performing a heroic sacrifice by throwing myself headlong into the amount of paperwork involved with the position, giving up my life so that the others don't have to experience such horrors firsthoof for themselves."
Celestia knew she shouldn't laugh during the interview process, especially not for such an important position. But so help her, she couldn't resist to urge to at least chuckle at the paperwork comment. She'd tried admirably at suppressing the expression of amusement, but it'd proven futile as it just slipped right out.
"Ours is not to reason why. Ours it but to sign reports filed in triplicate."
This time it was a bit more than a chuckle that slipped out, as Celestia realized it was a losing battle to keep her mirth contained behind the mask of serenity she'd spent so much time crafting.
"There's nothing more noble than self-sacrifice for a worthy cause," she stated. "I still remember the dark days of formal paperwork before duplication spells were a common device. The dark days before even carbon paper was a thing, when all paperwork had to be written out the old fashioned way, one copy at a time," she shuddered for an extra bit of show.
This time the Lieutenant was laughing, hopefully amused by her clownish antics. Stone faces and set jaws were fine and all, but sometimes they were just uncalled for. Right now there was the need for a bit levity, to cut through the staleness currently hanging heavy in the air like the odor from a rotten onion.
And then there was a knock at the office door.
"Yes? Who is it?"
While not exactly an invitation to enter, the door opened to reveal one Raven Inkwell standing in the now-open doorway, and looking mildly frantic in terms of appearance.
"I'm sorry to interrupt you, Princess, but the Espada is outside and waiting to speak with you," she explained.
Celestia's brow furrowed at this little announcement. Ulquiorra was actually waiting to speak with her? He wasn't just barging in as if it was his office?
"Is it important?" she asked.
"It's Ulquiorra, Princess, I don't think he's here just to make small talk," Raven stated.
"No, I suppose he wouldn't be," Celestia replied and let out an exasperated sigh. "Very well, show him in."
Raven nodded and proceeded to quickly step aside as Ulquiorra acquired her previous spot, demonstrating that he'd literally been right outside the door the entire time.
"So then, Ulquiorra, to what do I owe the honor of your visit at a time like this?" she asked, hoping to get to the point as soon as possible.
"Some time ago, Applejack requested my assistance with making necessary repairs to the barn at Sweet Apple Acres. Barring unforeseen developments that warrant my attention elsewhere, I intend to do such," he explained.
That was honestly a little surprising to hear. Ulquiorra was actually volunteering to basically go and mingle with others? As in actual mingling independent of a crisis in need of tending to?
"Well then, don't let me stop you. Take care," she replied, unwilling to say anything that might actually wreck this development, or otherwise prevent it from actually occurring. "Have fun, try not to kill anyone."
"It remains to be seen if one can truly be had without the other," he replied before departing.
Now Celestia really didn't know what to think. The fact he had responded to her attempt at dark humor with his own brand of such, was still such a weird thing to experience. He could give as good as he got, and without missing a beat. Maybe she should be worried?
Whatever. She shook her head and decided to simply let the matter rest for now, as she returned to the interview process. Only to notice how the atmosphere of the room had returned to the tense stillness it'd been just minutes ago, with Lieutenant Lance standing stock still, practically frozen in place, and looking quite anxious.
"Are you alright, Lieutenant? You look as if you've just seen a ghost," she stated, realizing only too late that such had more or less been the case, depending on how it was looked at.
"I'm... fine, Your Highness, it's just... t-the Espada. Its... I-I mean his reputation precedes him. He's puckered more than a few butt holes amongst the Guard since his arrival. I-I've never been so close to such a frightening presence before; I felt like death itself was eyeing me like I was a snack the whole time he was standing behind me!"
Celestia could do little more than nod in response, easily understanding that sentiment. She'd certainly felt something along those lines before in Ulquiorra's presence, especially early on in their introduction, but this was the first time she'd actually heard it expressed quite like that.
Maybe she had grown numb to such a feeling herself? Or perhaps it affected different ponies in different ways? Maybe it was something -else- she'd have to look into. Later.
"Yes, he certainly does tend to have that effect on others. But after a while, you come to learn it's not really directed at you, it's just sort of there as it were," she explained. "Now then, I believe we still have a few questions to get through."
Applejack couldn't rightly say just how the alchemic concoctions Zecora whipped up actually worked, all she knew was that they did work. Such as the solution she'd gotten for treating the blight of one of her family's prized apple trees.
She had watched as the ingredients were grabbed and mixed in one of the zebra shaman's cauldrons, much in the same way Granny Smith would go about preparing a stew for dinner, all the while some vaguely rhyming words were spoken that may or may not've been in her own native tongue. She was sure she'd missed something in the preparation process as she watched, before being hoofed a bottle of brew that was supposed to tend to her problems with ease.
Ashamed as she was to admit it, she wasn't certain this was going to work at the time. But upon applying the slightly glowing tonic to the roots of the tree in question, she could actually see the blight stains on the leaves starting to recede before her eyes. Supposedly by this time tomorrow, whatever was ailing their tree would be cured in full.
Maybe it was a zebra thing in how she could make roots and plant extracts and such like unicorn magic. It certainly wasn't earth pony magic, or anything she was accustomed to seeing. But whatever nature-bending skills were at work here, they worked spectacularly.
"Ah'm gonna need ta invite that gal over fer dinner more often," she commented to herself and tucked the now-empty vial into her saddlebags. "Wish Ah'd talked to 'er earlier, though. Might not'a needed Mr. Cifer ta uproot that one tree like he did after all."
"Perhaps not."
Applejack didn't want to admit it, not even to herself, but the sudden sound of the unexpected voice behind her, in the otherwise quiet orchard, had nearly made her let out a startled yelp. Had she been any other pony, she might've just done that. But she didn't, and after a bit she recognized the voice. Turning around merely confirmed what she already knew, about it being Ulquiorra who was presently behind her, doing his usual above-the-ground hover thing that made it impossible to hear him coming.
"Mr. Cifer, Ah'm startin' ta think ya do that surprise greetin' thing on purpose or somethin'," she stated, doing her best to sound annoyed. But ultimately she knew it was a futile effort and soon relented. "What brings ya by? Somethin' bad goin' on 'round here?"
"Quite the opposite actually. At the moment there is a lull in any crises that warrant my attention or involvement. I've come to see if the hayloft to the barn is still in need of repairs," Ulquiorra explained as he touched down on the ground.
The explanation had caught Applejack by surprise. This definitely wasn't what she'd envisioned for the day when she'd awoken in preparation of another day of work on the farm.
Yes, she'd mentioned it some time ago, way back before everything had gotten as weird as it currently was. But given what'd happened the following day, and each subsequent day since then, it'd been a little easy to forget about something as trivial in comparison as the hayloft needing some repairs.
That wasn't to say she'd forgotten about it, but she understood it if it didn't get tended to anytime soon, or if she'd have to do it by herself. Now here she was with it coming up after so long.
"Uh," she paused, her mind trying to process everything, "yeah. Sorry, ya jus' kinda caught me off guard here an' all. Yeah, the barn still needs some work done. Faust knows RD sleeps up there way more than she should, and Ah'd feel mighty bad if some poor pony got caught by the hayloft collapsin' on 'em."
"And I would be negligent in my duties if I were to leave a known hazard unaddressed," Ulquiorra added.
"However ya need ta sell helpin' somepony out," Applejack replied and shrugged dismissively, before trotting off. "C'mon, Sugarcube, I'll show ya wha' ya got ta work with."
Perhaps it was a bit egotistical on her part, but she liked to believe -or at least think- she had at least some idea of how Ulquiorra's mind worked. In the few months he'd been in Equestria she'd had about as many interactions with him as anypony, been present for a fair number of conversations and discussions, been subjected to his theories and postulating, and witnessed as he broke down his reasoning so that those he talked with could follow along and understand not only where he was coming from, but how he'd arrived at the conclusions he had.
Maybe it wasn't a hundred percent accurate, but the mental image she'd wound up crafting of him in that time was one of the strong silent type who spoke when it was necessary or important, but mixed with just enough social awkwardness that he didn't know how to go about interacting with others in basic, everyday terms.
She knew he would stop and help others if they asked, especially if it was something that seemed important. But in pretty much every interaction she'd witnessed, he'd always presented his willingness to help against the backdrop of it being related to him simply following his orders from Princess Celestia, even when what he was helping with wasn't really all that related to keeping ponies out of harm either directly or indirectly.
But if it was some sort of a coping mechanism for him, something that allowed him to keep up whatever appearances he might've believed were necessary to show the public, who was she to call him out on his methods? They weren't hurting anyone, and as best she could tell they didn't really amount to a lie, so she really didn't see anything wrong with how he went about it.
Although as far as she was concerned, the princesses should just go ahead and order him to make some friends and interact with others, and cut out all the nonsense and excuses and whatnot in the process.
Then again, if that really did happen, there was no telling what might happen as a result. Probably some philosophical showdown relating to how making friends while under obligation to doing such, didn't actually qualify as making friends at all.