In the far-off mists of a distant continent and buried within the depths of the unexplored jungle laid a valley, a place that was located among the highest of mountains, forever shrouded in mystery, danger, and the occasional pony-eating creature. And within that was a temple long dedicated to a god whose name, long forgotten, was more ancient than the land itself.
Inside this temple laid countless traps, from the inconvenient to the outrageously deadly, that claimed the lives of many. Unsolvable, arcane puzzles in dead languages that would entomb those within for eternity under a sea of stone… and for some reason, a Tiki bar kept fully stocked.
At the heart of this complex, one could find a giant stone coffin on top of a giant dais and surrounded by the light of large glowing crystals within the jaws of panthers and other such beasts. The entrance to this chamber was locked in place by a stone door, a device which would require four keys located throughout the temple and enclosed behind elaborate trials to pass.
Or at least it would’ve been the case until the door exploded in a wave of heat, fire and sheer frustration. The rims of the newly-made hole dripped molten stone amidst the lingering cloud of stony dust. A large figure stood, her breath laboured and harsh like a seething engine.
She entered. A flowing mane that once gleamed with the translucent colours of the rainbow now was pure fire and rage. Her once pristine white coat, pure as snow, was now painted a dull grayish hue and marked with scratches, bruises and hoof-sized welts. She marched towards the altar at the center, heedless to all obstacles, crushing the ground and scarring a trail of ruin into the mosaic underneath.
She would’ve smashed the coffin wide open, it was just before her: the goal, the finale to her sufferings and mind-breaking trials. Then her murderous mood was cut short by an unexpected sound.
Slurping. Or to be more specific, slurping from a straw.
“I’ve told you we should’ve taken the tourist line.” Luna took another sip out of the novelty drink in her hooves, a smile filled with relish on her face, “I mean there was a big sign, a nice path towards what I think was a gift shop, plus there was a Tiki bar. I could have done with a refill. This drink is marvellous.”
“I simply thought it was a trap. Who would think about putting a sign that said ‘tourists this way!’ in the middle of a temple that’s in the middle of nowhere!” Celestia roared, her mane flared once more. She breathed in and out, taking in the musty tomb-like air, and her hair calmed back down to her normal multicolour palette. “… I am simply at wit's end right now, little sister.”
“We could always head back to the bar? They make a nice coconut drink called a... ‘Peni-ut Colayda’? I think that’s what it’s called,” Luna suggested. She shook the tiki cup in her hooves, giggling at the twirling umbrella in it, then took another loud slurp.
“No. We have managed to reach the goal of our journey, sober I might add—”
Luna barked a laugh.
Celestia ignored the outburst. “In this sarcophagus should be what we were searching for, the goal of our mother’s divine plan,” she ran her hoof slowly over the lid, caressing every nook and etched carving as it passed.
“Yes, this plan. Did she tell you what we were supposed to do with it?“ Luna tossed her empty cup behind her, “I mean, why did we have to undertake a journey to the middle of nowhere, through scorching deserts, blistering winds and unknown lands? And why are there so many dead bodies here? How did they find this temple if it’s unknown? Why is there even a tourist line?”
Celestia turned towards Luna to answer her, ignoring the majority of her rant. “She didn’t say. I decided to, after finding some notes referring to this in her journal.“ She paused to try and figure out how to unlock the coffin. “The scribbles made mention of some weapon she had forged with the assistance of an eldritch god, made from some of the rarest materials in existence. The only things I could even understand were ‘Star Metal’, ‘Blood of a Gem’ and ‘Heartwood of the Tree of Harmony’.”
Luna went still with a stunned look, her mind unlocking as she realized the enormity of what Celestia was hinting at. Even though she was not as wise when it came to some things, she was wise to how rare these materials were. A single milligram of Star Metal would bankrupt even the richest of nations, not to mention the sheer undertaking of finding Gem Blood and... Heartwood from the Tree of Harmony? Impossible. There was only one tree in existence, or at least to her knowledge.
“But sis—” Luna stammered.
“Got it, stand back!”
The lid slowly slid off and a gleaming light shone as if it was a holy relic that was just uncovered. Both of them peered inside, eyes blinded momentarily by the unnatural glow, anxious to satisfy their imaginings of what lay at the end of their journey.
Celestia thought of a shield glowing in light, carved with runes of power and ancient stories of a long-gone era. A weapon that would surpass metal gear to protect a land of honesty and peace, she thought. To defend and save.
Luna visioned a mace, dark as her night sky and festooned with spikes. A weapon that would serve to protect its people from harm that may come.
Both just stared slack-jawed, eyes wide and their minds blank, as they both tried to comprehend the item inside. It was not an act of sheer joy nor even awe as Celestia lifted a frying pan out of the coffin. A simple cast-iron pan that would not seem out of place in a normal pony’s home.
“W…We ca-cam-came all this way for a pan?” Celestia exploded, the frustration from the entire journey finally erupting and boiling over like a long-dormant volcano. The mane on her head burned once again, the temperature building higher than the hottest of forges. The humid air was steaming and distorting around her. In a voice like the crackling of thunder and earthquakes, she moaned. “Why? Why, Mother? I had to go through blistering winds, I trudged through a forest of beasts and monsters, climbed the highest bucking mountains in existence. And for what? A frying pan!”
Luna had backed away from Mt. Celestia. With a calm face, she tried to reach out, “Sister, I believe that instead of ‘Divine Plan’, she might have meant ‘Divine Pan’. It was perhaps a simple mistranslation.”
Celestia moved at the last second leaving the hoof to touch air. She rushed to a nearby statue, one that showed quite a fearsome being, the details of it incredibly life-like. “Here’s what I think of your ‘Plan’,” She raged as she smashed the statue with the pan as hard as she could.
CLANG
Canterlot Country outskirts
Prince Blueblood sat under the shade of an umbrella at one of his country house retreats. His balcony rest overlooked the front lawn and its ocean of flowers, all being carefully maintained by an army of gardeners.
"Ahhh, the peace of the countryside. This beats Canterlot any day. No bustle, no politics. No annoying peasants." He gave a sigh of contentment, his body sinking into the padded chair a bit lower. With a chilled drink to his right, a small book titled ‘The Life of the Rich and Beautiful’ in his left, and a beautiful view in front. A refreshing summer breeze kissed his face.
He was content and like that, he slowly drifted off to sleep.
A blinding flash lit up in the distance like the birth of a new sun.
Blueblood stirred quickly at the sudden illumination, "what in the hay—"
A tornado-like shockwave uprooted him and everything besides him into the air, his screams muted by the roaring of the skies. Petals from his garden flew upwards with a wave of crimson and yellow that slammed into him like hail. His last sight was that of Grassroots, his Pegasus gardener, screaming his lungs as he sailed directly at him.
Then pain.
Celestia’s eyes slowly blinked open. Her shaking frame wobbling as she slowly got up and gazed around with muted shock. Mouth agape at the widespread devastation caused by such a simple action: the statue that was once menacing was now mere dust… alongside most of the other statues, the walls, and the ceiling. Her head peaked up at the new skies, the light of her sun shining down and kissing her.
“What?” She lifted the smoking frying pan in her grasp then her eyes grew two sizes larger as cold realization washed over her.
“Luna, Luna, Luuuuuna, where are you?” She looked around desperately, searching for her beloved sister, rapid thoughts of the tons of granite and stone over them was entangled with her hastened attempts to remember where her sister was exactly standing…
She heard a majestic space duck in return.
“Quack. Quack. Kuu-wack!” Luna was sounding out, trying to fix her hearing after the sudden explosion. “Quack... There we go! Celestia? What the snivelling gumdrops was that?” Luna yelled as she parodied her sisters’ exact reaction at the devastation around them.
“I think that was the Divine Pan,” Celestia muttered in shock. She felt it weigh a lot more now and she hesitated to even place it down lest it happened again.
“I’m gonna need a drink for this.“ Luna started to hobble in a random direction, “I think the bar should still be intact. You coming, sister?”
“... Do they serve extra-large?”