//------------------------------//
// Chapter 6: Why can't we be Friends? 
// Story: Time Turner's Discordian Detective Agency: The Missing Kitten of Inspiration 
// by Rodinga 
//------------------------------//

	“If you are feeling talkative, perhaps you can explain yourself and what has happened here.” Octavia’s voice took on an irritated note, “because it seems I cannot visit a bathroom without somepony causing more trouble than they’re worth.” She shot a glare towards the two remaining pegasi thugs.
 
Lefty and Righty looked appropriately cowled. “We were only following your orders,” Righty quietly objected. “Not to harm the unicorn. The others were going to hurt her, we couldn’t let that happen.”
 
Octavia looked toward Rarity and tears came to my client’s eyes. “It was simply dreadful, Darling. That thug,” she indicated the stallion lying on the ground, “struck me across my beautiful face.” Rarity lay down on the ground and began to sob openly.
 
Octavia’s gaze seemed to soften as she moved to comfort Rarity, setting her cello on the ground as the embraced Rarity in a hug. While Octavia held my client she whispered into her ear and ran a hoof along her back.
 
Doubtless inspired by the sight, Catch latched herself around me. To think that I had almost forgotten about this, I should have been so lucky. I tried to nudge her away but she only gripped tighter.
 
Across my office Lefty tapped Righty and then pointed at my predicament, chuckling quietly to herself. Righty on the other hoof could barely bring herself to look at Catch, averting her gaze and trying to ignore us.
 
“Catch,” I whispered, “ponies are watching us.” I tried to nudge her off again.
 
“I don’t care,” she said as she buried her face in my coat. “I just don’t want to see you hurt like that again.”
 
Somehow I’m actually starting to miss Vinyl now, I thought. The way she used to try surprising me and failing. The way she couldn’t cook anything other than pop tarts, and her music… as my thoughts trailed off I realized something. Actually, I don’t miss Vinyl.
 
I looked back at Lucky Catch, I wonder if she can cook.
 
Octavia released a hoof from her embrace and pointed it at the ambidextrous pegasi. “You two: take these idiots out to the back alley,” she gestured to the unconscious thugs. “When they wake up send them back to the Donna, when we are done here I will make sure she knows how worthless they are.”
 
The pair nodded and started to pick up the unconscious thugs, throwing them on their backs. As soon as they left Octavia spoke again, “How hard can it be to find a few competent ponies? Those two alone seem to understand the image and professionalism we need.” She turned to look back at Rarity. “We are not all thugs, otherwise what good would we be?”
 
Rarity took a long halting breath. “I understand what you mean, darling.” She gave a sniff. “One must always try to hold themselves to a higher standard, otherwise how would we better ourselves?”
 
“I’m sorry you got involved in all this Rarity,” Octavia apologized. “But your friend over there—”she gestured at me, “needed to be dealt with.”
 
Rarity tears stopped falling as she quickly composed herself. “What could he have done to make do you need to, ‘deal with him’, darling?”
                    
“First: he entered a nightclub with the intent to sell alcoholic cider to one of our customers and undercut our supply.”
                    
“That barrel was empty,” I objected.
                    
“Second:” Octavia continued, “Time Turner broke into Vinyl Scratch’s room and spied on us while we were… alone.”
                    
“Why does nopony believe me when I say I didn’t watch?” I complained (1). 
                    
“The Marefia wants him punished for the first and I want to make him pay for the second. I also can’t have him galloping around telling anypony who matters that I’m a fillyfooler, I’d lose my seat in the orchestra if the nobility found out.”
                    
The first reason should have been irrelevant because I never sold any cider to the club. Of course it was probably just Octavia’s excuse so she could use the Marefia’s help to chase up her real reason: to stop me blackmailing her. With the kind of influence Octavia seemed to have, I could have forced the Marefia to leave me alone and never bother me again. It was too late for that kind of thing anyway, I needed time to set up a good bit of entrapment and Octavia had gotten to me before I could use it.
                    
Thinking about the lack of time brought me to my next question, “How in Celestia’s name did you find me so fast?”
                    
Octavia snorted in response. “As soon as I told Vinyl what you looked like she told me where to find you. Vinyl is very unhappy, she told me to and I quote, ‘teach that heartless bastard a lesson’.”
 
Yep, Vinyl was still bitter about that and she passed it onto Octavia, wonderful. Lucky Catch reacted to the insult by hugging me tighter.
                    
Catch took her face out of my coat to call out Octavia, “Who is she to want to hurt my detective so badly?”
                    
“His ex-marefriend and my marefriend,” Octavia shot back.
 
The relationship I had with Vinyl was very short. It started after I solved a problem for her and then ended after she discovered what I was really like. I also might have told her I didn’t like the song she mixed for me. Regardless she seemed to be better off now that she’d switched a cynical earth pony stallion for a cynical earth pony mare.
                    
“Well, he’s my detective and you’re not taking him from me.” Lucky Catch released her hold on me and stood between me and Octavia. While having a pair of mares staring each other down over me was flattering, my office had been damaged enough today. That and Catch was also laughably outmatched by Octavia, couldn’t have that either.
 
I stood up beside Catch. “It’s alright,” I said to her. “Let me work this out with Octavia.” Catch stood down. I had to give her some credit; the foalish mare had guts to stand up against a Marefia enforcer. This girl really had it bad for me and all thought of safety and sanity seemed to be missing from her mind.
                    
“Well Octavia,” I stood before her, “here I am. Do you want to chase me across Canterlot again or can we settle this peacefully?” Before Octavia could reply Rarity stood on her hooves and walked between us, the tears she had been shedding merely a memory. Even the ruined makeup and missing eyelash had been replaced when nopony was looking.
                    
“Darlings, I believe I have a solution to all our problems. Octavia, sweetie, Time Turner never had any cider so the Marefia has nothing to do with him, and if you want to make sure that your “affairs” with Vinyl remain a secret then just hire him.”
                    
“Hire him?” Octavia asked.

“Hire me?” I asked.
                    
“Why yes, darling. If you are one of his clients he will be obliged to protect your secrets.”
                    
“Rarity is right you know,” I admitted. There wasn’t really a specific rule against me blabbing everything I know about a client to the papers, but a detective wouldn’t be popular if his clients didn’t think he was trustworthy. “Octavia I think you’ll find my prices are quite reasonable, especially with the new ‘don’t hit me with your cello again’ discount.”
 
Octavia scowled at me while she considered the option. I had the uncomfortable feeling she was measuring what she thought of me. I was also measuring her as well, most importantly in her ability to chase me should I decide to do the running of the leaves two months early.
 
A quick reset would give me the head start I needed and I could be out that door in a flash. Once I was gone Rarity and Catch could look after themselves while Octavia chased me across Canterlot again. I thought I’d be able to make it to the Royal Palace at least and then lose her long enough to start setting up some blackmail.
                    
“Alright Rarity, I’ll hire Time Turner.” Octavia gave me a stare, “how much detective?”
 
‘Really?’ I was so busy thinking about escape I didn’t even consider how much I’d charge her for. I pondered the question for a few moments thinking about what I could get away with. A quick glance at Rarity reminded me about the other two mares in the room and that I hadn’t eaten since I threw up last night.
                    
“I’ll accept an apology lunch for all of us at Cafe Noir, including their extra-large sundaes. You can also invite Vinyl if you wish so I can patch things up between us.” It seemed like a good idea: everypony won.
 
Octavia agreed with a nod. “I’ll meet you there in an hour.” Octavia picked up her cello and went out my door without another word spoken.
                    
“Well that turned out better than I expected,” admitted Lucky Catch.



                    
It’s not every week that I get to eat at Cafe Noir two days in a row. I normally can’t afford to unless I have a client with me. Even then the cost of the meal usually finds its way onto my list of expenses. Today was even better, this time I had two clients and one was paying for the entire table.
                    
The hour we had before lunch was barely sufficient time to prepare, with both Rarity and Lucky Catch obsessing over their appearances (2).  Rarity pulled a selection of fabrics from her saddle bags, rapidly tailoring a casual dress for herself while Catch obsessed over her mane and coat in my bathroom. I simply pulled out my crossword book and completed some more puzzles while I waited. I hadn’t intended to wear anything other than my fedora, but unfortunately I lost track of it in the fracas earlier.
                    
By the time Lucky Catch emerged from my bathroom forty minutes or so later Rarity was already wearing a burgundy coloured dress, and she had a second dark green one for Catch.
                    
“Ohhh!” Catch squealed. “Rarity, thank you, you shouldn't have, how can I repay you‽”
 
Rarity just smiled, “it was nothing at all darling, I simply couldn’t go out to lunch all dressed up and leave you without something as well.” I admit Rarity was very generous, a dress like that would have sold for almost a hundred bits here in Canterlot and she was simply giving it away so Catch wouldn’t feel under dressed.
                    
I was still wearing nothing when we left my office, despite Rarity offering more than once to make me a bow tie or something similar. The short walk gave Rarity and Catch time to talk and the pair seemed to be developing a friendship from their shared experience this afternoon.
 
Octavia and Vinyl met us outside Cafe Noir. Tavi was still wearing her Marefia vest with a black bowtie in its collar but had thankfully left her cello at home. Vinyl on the other hoof only wore her signature sunglasses.

“Hello again darlings,” Rarity greeted, “It’s good to see you all again. Shall we go inside?” Octavia gave us a nod and led the way. Vinyl on the other hoof didn’t even acknowledge Rarity. Instead Vinyl had glared at me from behind her glasses, her body language promising violence. I tried to ignore her, it had been a concession on my part to let Octavia to bring Vinyl, and she was probably going to try to make this lunch uncomfortable for me.

Octavia brought us to a large round table set for five ponies and surrounded by privacy screens. It seemed Octavia had already been inside to make sure a table was ready, the vest probably helped. As we sat down a loud growl from my stomach reminded me that I hadn’t eaten since lunch time yesterday. I wondered how deep Octavia’s bit bank ran, because I had no intention of eating small today.
                    
“Well it’s nice that we’re all here together now,” I enthused. “Lunch is a much more painless way to solve your problems.” I gave an alongside glance at Octavia who raised an eyebrow and returned a disdainful at look at me.
                    
“I recall it being the condition for your silence, Turner,” Octavia replied. “After all, it would threaten my musical career if my audience believed some the rumours you could tell them.” This drew Vinyl out of her balefire filled glare she was still giving me.
                    
Vinyl’s voice breaking she asked, “Octy... are you afraid to be with me?” Octavia gave Vinyl an affectionate nuzzle in response.
                    
“No, Rarity was right when she said that if I truly loved you then I should not let anypony stand in my way.” Then she threw a glare at me and growled, “anypony.” The pair embraced each other in a hug. Lucky Catch let out an appreciative “dawww” at the sight as she leaned her head on my shoulder.
                    
Once their hug had ended, I signalled for the waitress to make her way over and we all ordered our meals. I requested an additional serving of hay fries as well as the famous sugar saturated chocolate fudge sundaes for everypony. Octavia had no objections to the large order indicating that it was “covered” before pulling out a large purse of bits to pay for the extravagant meal.
 
The meal paid for and preparation underway, we drifted into other topics of conversation. After a few minutes Octavia regarded me with some interest before asking, “Time Turner, what could have possibly led you to us?” Octavia asked.
 
I put my hooves together. “I operate by investigating the fundamental harmony in all things. Normally everypony in Equestria exists in harmony with one another. When something breaks that harmony it will create ripples that affect the world around it. These ripples can create unusual events that can be followed to the source, becoming more and more powerful the closer they are to the truth.
 
“When I’m asked to investigate a misdeed I search likely locations for these ripples, it could be a random act of chaos or a mare delivering lost cats to the animal shelter.” I nodded toward Vinyl. “As I follow these ripples the chaos increases with stranger events and random encounters leading me closer to my goal.”
 
As I finished my monologue Octavia snorted derisively, “I cannot see how that can possibly work.”
 
I grinned annoyingly, “I commend your scepticism, Octavia, but even the sceptical mind must be prepared to accept the unbelievable when there is no alternative. After all by my visiting the Animal Shelter we’ve somehow been led up to this point. I know you probably can’t explain how, why or what, but you know it makes sense; just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s not true.”
 
Every mare around the table gave me a blank look that lasted until Vinyl spoke up. “Chaos led you to my room huh?” Vinyl said, “Which reminds me, tell me why you were watching me and Octy when we were alone?”
 
“For the last time, I did not watch.” All the mares gave me snort of disbelief. “I was only there to search for Rarity’s cat, I figured if so many lost cats were following Vinyl I’d find why and I’d be able to find Opalescence herself.”
                    
Both Vinyl and Octavia looked nervous all of a sudden.
                    
“So what I’ve been returning lost cats?” Vinyl asked.
 
“Did you realize, Vinyl,” I replied. “That herb you’ve been adding to your alcohol was catnip?”
                    
“I thought they just liked my music.”
 
“Well it does sound like a cat scratching a chalkboard,” I retorted. Vinyl resumed her death-glare.
 
Eventually the waitress brought out our lunch and everypony began to eat between conversations.
 
“Timey-Wimey,” Catch addressed me – Vinyl snorted her drink through her nose – “Vinyl hasn’t been the only pony returning cats. There have been others as well, how much catnip is out there?”
 
I thought about this while absentmindedly chewing on a mouthful of hay fries. Catnip consumption would be something that only dedicated party ponies like Vinyl would do.  Beyond them it probably wasn’t widespread, but the number of cats going missing didn’t make sense if it were just a few offenders.  As I thought more I realized that my discordian detective skills had already brought me to the right pony to ask.
                    
“So, Octavia—”I asked between mouthfuls, “how much catnip has the Marefia been selling around the city?”
                    
Vinyl dropped the sandwich she had been holding with her horn.
                    
“As I understand it we are only just starting to use it now,” Octavia explained. “The catnip is being sold premixed with alcohol so nopony notices when we water it down. Combined it has a similar effect and it’s cheaper to produce. However the catnip has been leading a lot of cats down to the brewery, so they’ve been forced to return them to the Animal Shelter.”
 
A reasonable explanation, it solved the matter of the sheer number of missing cats. I was about to ask if Opal might have been found, but Vinyl interrupted me before I could say anything.
                    
“Octy, you’re a member of the Marefia?” Everypony else at the table realized Vinyl had been characteristically clueless about this and Octavia hung her head in shame.
                    
“Yes,” she announced it blankly without any enthusiasm, as if it brought her physical pain to tell Vinyl.
                    
“How, when?” Vinyl asked.
 
“Years ago they offered to help get me into the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra.” Octavia face took on a wistful look. “I had always dreamed of earning a seat on the Orchestra, but I faced the challenge of getting in through the nepotism of managers who only hired distant relatives and nobility. Anypony else has to be supremely talented and be lucky enough to be at the right place at the right time.”
 
“So an earth pony with no connections had almost zero chance of getting in,” I said and Octavia nodded sadly. A sad typical truth, there’s no real discrimination between the old pony tribes but there’s still family ties. The Orchestra probably consisted of three or four extended unicorn families with history going back to Canterlot’s founding.
 
“Then I received the offer: I would get my seat using criminal connections and in return I had to work for the Marefia on the side.” Octavia leaned back in her seat with a sigh. “As soon as I got a chance to show my talent I found myself catapulted forward to the first chair cello. Suddenly I had a connection with the nobility and the Donna made me her representative to them.”
 
“What a terrible way to live,” Rarity said as she leaned over to Octavia. “You have no choice but to do what they tell you to do or they would take your dream away.”
 
“Then what happened?” asked Lucky Catch.
 
“I met somepony at a party who did not care who I was or who I knew, somepony who became my first real friend in this city.” She turned toward Vinyl. “It was you,” she said as she brought one of Vinyl’s hooves to her lips.
 
I rolled my eyes and groaned at the sappy scene before me. Instead of glaring this time Vinyl threw a fork at me.
 
“As cute as you two are, I should probably start getting back to work solving my cases.” I pushed my empty plate forward and I stood to leave before Octavia stopped me.
                    
“Time Turner, I’d like to hire you for something else as well.”
 
I sat back down, “and now I’m listening.”
 
Octavia produced the large purse of bits she used to pay for the meal and threw it over to me. “I need you to help me bring down the Marefia.”




Luna’s Notes:

(1) To answer Time Turner’s question: no mare would believe a stallion would pass up that opportunity. We certainly wouldn’t believe Time Turner in a thousand years, and neither shalt thou as your Princess decrees that he did watch.

(2) As always Time Turner still does not understand the mares around him fully, appearance means much more to a mare than a stallion. Rarity likely sees this as a social occasion as there is more than two ponies present, while Catch probably considers this a first date with Time Turner.