After many, many times trying to build up Wubway, Vinyl and Tavi were calling it quits.
"So you're moving?"
"Well, call it a business trip," Vinyl said.
"Yes. We're moving," Octavia contradicted her. "Trottingham, Detrot, Moshville, places with musical backgrounds. I'm not sure which one we'll be staying at, though."
"What about Ponyville?" Dan countered. "Ponyville and Canterlot have a great musical background. You both are it. Mostly."
Vinyl Scratch and Octavia were loading up their wagon. Wubway was closed, the roof being something neither of them wanted to try fixing again. All their records, music equipment and sandwiches were going with them, along with Vinyl's original bass cannon and Octavia's earth-shattering cello. As well as their other instruments.
Vinyl nodded and put a friendly hoof on Dan's shoulder. "You're gonna be the only dj left in town when we're gone. For a while at least. Make sure to put on a good show every once in a while, mah dude."
"We'll send you and Twilight a letter once we're settled," Octavia said. The two mares then finished packing and departed, pulling the wagon slowly out of town.
Dan, Kent and Spike watched their wagon as it left town. None of them noticed one of the Sith assassins next to them, also watching.
"There goes quite a pair," Dan remarked.
"Hrrrrssssssss."
"GAWD DAMMIT!"
"I got it," Kent said. He used the Force to push the assassin over and he flew into the wall of the business next to Wubway. The Wubway's ceiling slowly caved in yet again.
Dan charged the humanoid figure as it was still on the ground. The assassin got up quickly, but Dan managed to get behind the assailant and used its own stick to choke it.
"Who are you working for?! Did Rice Pudding send you?!! ANSWER ME!!!"
"Haaaaahhhhhhhzzzz."
"I'll try to get the mask off!" Spike said. Dan still holding him in place, stick firmly under its chin, Spike undid the straps holding its mask in place. His tiny claws had great dexterity and Spike's eyes burned with determination. The hooks came off, the mask came up and the assassin exploded into a cloud of red gas.
"GAAAAAAAHH!" Dan swatted at the air, batting away the vapors. "I thought we had them that time!" Even the stick evaporated.
"Right, you should probably know I've encountered Sith like these before. The exploding thing, that's mostly new."
"Mostly?" Spike asked.
"Mostly new. Usually only powerful Sith dissolve into dark energy upon defeat."
"These guys aren't exactly strong. Just annoying," Dan said.
"And you're not planning on dealing with them OR doing errands with me!" Spike complained. "Can we even go a single day without you trying to get back to killing Rice Grip?"
Dan tapped his chin. "Well, maybe Tuesday. Like, next Tuesday. If we haven't made any progress by at least Monday, then-"
Spike face-clawed. "I didn't mean an actual DAY, Dan."
"He was referring to a twenty-four hour period," Kent explained. "I realize I haven't known you for that long, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say no."
Spike folded his arms. "You'd mostly be right."
"Mostly?"
"Okay, shut up. Believe it or not, I do have good days and bad days. Anyway, now-"
"Heya Dan!" A new pony randomly popped up. "Howya doing, Dan-meister?"
"Who the squee are you?"
The pony had silvery coat and a green mane styled with gel. Definitely didn't look like he was from Ponyville. He grabbed Dan's hand with both hooves and began shaking it, keeping a huge grin the entire time.
"The name's Rick! Rick GD! Can ya guess what the GD stands for?"
"Go Di-"
"Great Deals! And boy, do we have a great deal for you today! Listen, have you ever thought about investing in real estate? Well, let me tell you, the market right now is absolutely saturated with opportunities like never before. A savvy shopper like you has the nose for the-"
During the long, overly-elaborate, overly-chummy pitch, the pony calling himself Rick seemed to speak a mile a minute. It was so much so that Dan and the others couldn't get a word in edgewise, at least, politely. And Dan wasn't even that polite; it's just the pony was talking so much Dan momentarily found his thought process interrupted. His processes came back to him slowly, and when they did, a stunning realization dawned on him, one that spread a look of horror across his face.
"Oh no..."
"What?"
"Sweet Jeebus no..."
"And with the rates where they are right now, we can expect continuing returns with a profit margin of-"
Dan shot his hand back. "HE'S TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING!!!!!"
"AAAAAAAHH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaahh!"
All three men screamed, but all the salespony said was, "AAAAaahhh yes! Because with these programs I'm offering, your satisfaction is guaranteed! I know you've saved the world, Dan-meister, but have you ever thought about owning and/or leasing a small piece of it to a small family of four over the course of two-to-three years?"
"HE'S SELLING TIME-SHARES!!!!!!!!!"
Ricky kept grinning. "Selling? Why, at these prices, my condos practically sell themselves!"
Rage took over. The strange stallion already violated his personal space, violated his strict no-solicitation rule and he was being obnoxious. Most people still wouldn't have straight-up punched the guy in the face, but Dan was not most people, so Dan straight-up punched the guy in the face.
"AAAAAHHH!" Dan yelled, pulled his arm way back and punched the pony in the jaw.
"Aaaahhh... the hands-on approach type, are you? Well, that's good news. Because with aggressive marketing like my firm offers, we can-"
Dan punched him again. There was no effect. Rick, or whatever the pony's name was, just turned back around, not even bruised. And he still clutched Dan's hand tightly.
"GET HIM OFF ME PLEASE!!!"
Dan kept hitting him but his face was like rubber. Like a rubber check.
"We've-*punch* never-*punch* seen-*punch* prices-*punch* lower!! *Punch*" Dan kept hitting him in the face but it was barely doing anything. Finally, Dan wrenched his hand free of the pony's grasp, but that may have been only so the pony could pull out his pen and a contract.
"I can tell you're a smart buyer, Dan, so I'm giving you one of my best offers that I can personally assure you-"
Dan grabbed his ears. "MAKE IT STOPPP!!" He walked away but the sales pony followed him, all the while continuing to pitch sales.
"What if I offered you no money down AND a moneyback guarantee?!"
"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE?!!"
Spike tried to grab the pony's legs to stop him. "Hey... whatever you're selling, we don't want it!"
"I don't quite understand," Kent said. "He's annoying, but why is he being so relentless?"
Dan held his hands to his ears. Ponyville was beginning to get fuzzy in his vision. The world blurred and warped as emptiness slowly filled his legs. His strength, his rage, all of it felt like it had been turned into steam in his lungs. Rather than a hot, boiling liquid in his blood like it normally was, it was more chaotic, like steam. Unable to be focused, too far apart to do anything except create a haze that slowly condensed into pointless droplets of futility. He felt physically ill from listening to this pony.
"So, what kind of returns can I see on my investment? What happens when interest rates get low? People have been pondering this for years, Dan, but with great risk comes great reward, and market stability is-"
Spike dragged his feet into the ground but it was to no avail. He lost his grip on the relentless salespony.
"He's sapping Dan's strength! And I think he's covered in hair gel," Spike said. Either way, the dragon felt slimier for having touched the pony.
"Make your time-share work for you! We offer one-hundred percent deeded properties that anypony can buy into, and investors lining up around the block for-*Shrrrrm!*"
Kent's lightsabers sliced the pony's head clean off. The body of the silver stallion fell to the ground, motionless.
Dan inhaled sharply, then exhaled, finally able to catch his breath. "Oh god... thank you. Thank you Kent, thank you Spike... thank..." Dan looked over to the body. There was no blood.
"Ja-jajaja-hee-hee in-n-n-n buy now! For s-so-so-so-so marketing real estate in-derderderederder-ahahahahah-" Rick's head continued talking, spouting gibberish while keeping the same wide-eyed smile.
Spike looked over the rest of the body. "It's a robot."
Kent levitated the head up. "I thought his teeth looked... strange."
"There's no spaces between his teeth. Its teeth," Spike said. The pony seemed like a cheap animatronic on closer inspection, as did most real estate salesmen. The coat was fine, eyes and ears were plastic but convincing but the teeth were where the disguise really fell apart. The smile was meant to be flawless, too flawless, so much so that the teeth and jaw of the pony were solidly fixed in place. So that it was always smiling.
"I liked it... I liked it better when the Sith were trying to kill us," Dan said. His eyes darted around them. To Dan, this was scarier than the Halloween episode. This was scarier than anything else he'd ever faced.
Another pony walked around the corner of the street. He had a briefcase with him. This one, a light-blue pony with a top hat and tiny mustache took out a spray bottle.
"Salutations, gents. Have you ever tried getting a tough stain out at home? There's so many cleaning supplies today, and none of-"
"IT'S ANOTHER ONE!!!" Dan bolted in the opposite direction, fleeing for his life. We had found Dan's one weakness: salesmen. Specifically, door-to-door scam artist salesmen. The kind that worked through subscription fees, longterm contracts and signing papers. The ones that killed finances slowly. Leeches. Parasites.
A flash of orange sliced through the pony's head, tophat, and boomeranged back around and cut through the briefcase as well. Kent's lightsaber then returned to his belt, professional that he was.
"I take it this is mostly new as well," Kent said.
Spike's eyes narrowed. "Mostly. I think we need to pay a visit to a couple other salesponies that might still be in town. And we should probably get Dan before he gets too far."
Together, Kent and Spike retrieved Dan, though he did have to be carried for a bit after being traumatized by the salesbot. Then, to Dan's dismay, they went to go see another pair of salesponies: Flim and Flam.