//------------------------------//
// Chapter 5: Classical is Bad for the Head 
// Story: Time Turner's Discordian Detective Agency: The Missing Kitten of Inspiration 
// by Rodinga 
//------------------------------//

	Love is a fickle thing. It comes and goes, and in some cases it's downright monsoonal. In my doorway stood Lucky Catch; average height, khaki, a curly brown mane and three black paw prints for a cutie mark that was probably related to her job as a veterinary nurse at the animal shelter.
 
Oh did I mention I had kissed her?
 
Bless that damn four-to-one mare/stallion ratio; for mares it’s either go fillyfooler or start the long desperate search for Mr Right. Catch here managed to get a kiss out of me and probably became fixated on the idea of making me her coltfriend. Judging by that grin on her face, the answer was yes.
           
“Hello, Doctor.” Her face widened into a grin. “Or perhaps I should say, Detective?” I was posing as a doctor at the time, so sue me for malpractice.
 
“Lucky Catch, it’s nice to see you. How did you manage to find me so fast?” I forced a smile while I cursed inwardly.
           
“Well I missed you so much last night I decided to hire a detective to find you. It must be fate because I seem to have found you on my own.” Then she started to nuzzle my shoulder. Fate must really hate me.
           
I moved back away from physical contact. “Well you can come in if you want to, I’ll introduce you to Rarity.” Catch walked in through the doorway I had cleared and locked eyes with Rarity who had been watching with some interest.
           
“So, who are you?” Catch directed toward Rarity with a harsh undertone. The crazy mare was trying to lay claim to me.
                    
“Hello darling, I am Rarity and I’m currently Detective Turner’s client,” Rarity replied disarmingly.
                    
Catch’s tone improved remarkably. “Oh, well… that’s good then, what did you hire him to do?”
                    
“I hired him to find my lost kitten that went missing five days ago. Time Turner has been very helpful so far.”
           
Mentioning a missing kitten made Catch spontaneously sympathetic. “Did you want some help looking? I can join you and Detective Turner.” She smiled nervously and said, “I couldn’t bear the thought of a lost kitten out in the rain somewhere.”
 
“The help would be very much appreciated, Lucky,” Rarity said with a nod. “I hope this won’t inconvenience you.”
           
“It won’t, it’s my day off,” Catch reassured Rarity.
                    
Clever girl. Without giving me a word in edgewise Catch managed to convince Rarity to let her join and now she was probably going to follow me like a puppy. Celestia save me, I prayed silently as Catch sidled up alongside me.
           
“So, it looks like we’re working together now.” She stood close enough for our coats to brush together.
           
I tried to ignore her advances and gave Lucky Catch the short version of where the interconnected chaos was leading to. “…so if my wall is correct the next thing that will lead us to Opalescence involves the Marefia in some way, probably in relation to the catnip infused cider,” I finished.
                    
“So these Marefia ponies, how do we recognise them?” Catch asked.
                    
“Well, they tend to wear black formal vests and they use musical instruments as weapons. Violins mostly, although some of their members use other instruments as well.”
                    
“They use musical instruments?” Rarity asked with a sceptical tone.
                    
“It’s a bit hard to explain, they use instruments because they can get away with carrying them. If they had iron bars or something else it would be easily spotted and the guards would arrest them. However classical music is popular in Canterlot, so nopony thinks it's strange for a group of well-dressed individuals to walk around carrying iron bars disguised as orchestral instruments.”
                    
“So that group of ponies outside with violin cases are from the Marefia?” Catch asked.
 
“Ponies outside?” My heart froze, that was not good news. I walked over to the windows behind my desk and surreptitiously looked out through the blinds. There were a half dozen ponies in black vests outside carrying violin cases, as well as a familiar grey mare with a cello case on her back.
                    
“Oh no, it’s the Marefia alright. Miss Rarity, do you remember what you said about Octavia being a nice mare?”
                    
“Yes.”
 
“And that she also plays for the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra?”
                    
“What about it, Mr Turner?” Rarity replied.
                    
“Well,” I said with a sigh. “Because she looks like she also plays for the Marefia.”
                    
Rarity came across to the window and looked out at the group of thugs. She let out a gasp when she recognised Octavia. “She was such wonderful mare to speak to last night...”
 
“It’s always the nice ones, Rarity. Although if she lugs that huge instrument around all day it does explain how she was able to keep up with me last night.” Rarity gave me a withering look after my assessment. Lucky Catch joined us at the window as well, leaning over us to get a better look.
                    
“What are they all waiting for down there?” Catch asked.
 
“Probably for me, they might not know I’m here,” I replied. “Can you see any more of them Catch?”
                    
“I think there might be more over there.” Catch leaned against the glass to get a better look, “Yeah there’s one more down the street.” Before I could comment Octavia looked up at the window and spotted the three of us leaning against the glass like bored fish.
 
She gave a yell and the Marefia thugs charged toward the entrance, sending Lucky Catch into a panic. “They’re coming up! What are we going to do?” she squealed.
                    
I’ll admit that this was the first time I’ve been attacked in my own office, but I’d been preparing for this day for a long time. I knew that I’d eventually annoy somepony crazy/dangerous enough to actually attack me and between the options of defending my office or running like a scared filly, I was going to choose life.
 
 I grabbed my saddlebags still loaded from yesterday’s adventure and my fedora from the desk. Both items still smelled of rotten apples but I had the threat of an instrumental beating to worry about. I ran over to a pin board in the corner of my office and yanked it back to reveal a staircase headed upstairs to the roof.
                    
“Alright, everypony head up upstairs, now.” I shut the pin board behind us to hide the stairway. Months ago I removed the old door and covered the hole to give myself a hidden emergency exit. Considering what was happening I think my paranoia was justified (1).
                    
The exit to my escape passage was an iron grill similar to the neighbouring air intake. I bucked it out of its frame and we all walked out onto the rooftop. Then I led my merry band across to the rear edge of the building where I would execute the next step in my cunning escape plan.
                    
“Time Turner, how are we getting down from up here?” Rarity asked.
 
“Skip.”
 
Rarity and Lucky Catch looked at each other. “Beg pardon?” Rarity asked.
 
I pointed down into the alleyway behind my office where a large bin sat open. It was filled with food scraps from a nearby restaurant. Once the other two noticed it I said, “That should be soft enough for a landing.”
 
Rarity took one look at the bin and turned green. “No, I absolutely refuse to leap willingly into that.”

“I think we’re a bit too high for that,” added Catch. For the first time I actually saw doubt on her face. “Is there another way?”
 
“It’ll be fine. Look, I’ll go first,” I declared as I positioned myself to take a flying leap off the building. “Just do what I do.”
 
I started to gallop forward and then leapt off the building, easily clearing the distance to the bin as I tucked in my legs to land in the soft pile. Despite appearances the pile wasn’t as soft as it looked. Somepony must have put a broken table or chair in there because when I landed pain shot up through my legs and into my barrel.
 
The smell of rotting food scraps mixed with the pain of my landing to turn into a new form of torture, leaving me with only one choice. “Re—*cough*—reset.”
                    
Once I was back in one piece on my roof I said, “You know what? This won’t work.”
                    
Rarity looked a little relieved and a smile returned to Catch’s face. I spun around, searching for a new escape route before I spotted a fire escape leading down from the roof of the neighbouring building. It was an easy two pony-length jump to reach it that didn’t include a multi-story fall. I should have probably have thought of that exit first, but then again I’ve never had to do this before.
                    
“Alright that way, jump over to the next building,” I said with more enthusiasm than I had for my last plan and charged across the roof toward the jump. The speed I built up as I accelerated to a full gallop was enough to carry me across the alleyway and onto the next building. Lucky Catch made the jump on her own but Rarity was not nearly as able. She failed to cross the gap entirely and was left hanging onto the edge of the next building by her hooves (2).
           
“Aahhh,” she screeched, “somepony save me!”
           
I ran back over and reached over the edge of the building with my forelegs to pull her up. Unfortunately the thugs in the alley below us heard her shriek as well.                  
           
We galloped for the fire escape, only to see a pair pegasi mares fly up in front of us. I was mildly surprised to see that it was the two mares that had been guarding the back door to Fillyfools last night: Lefty and Righty – who were still positioned as such.
 
Each had a violin strapped to one of their forelegs in the same way the ancient pegasi carried blades of war to use in flight. Ironically, Lefty had hers attached to her right foreleg while Righty had hers strapped to her left.
                    
Without shouting for us to surrender or even issuing a decent threat, the two dove toward us. Lefty, probably still mad at me from last night, locked her wings and flew straight at me. I threw myself into a roll to dodge her attack – a painful experience while galloping at flank speed. My good fortune was not echoed from behind me as I heard a pained cry from Lucky Catch, mixed with a clashing sound from a violin.
                    
I reached the fire escape before Lefty and Righty could make another pass. Only to run into the last mare I wanted to see: Octavia, and she already had her cello out.
                    
I might be unique in that I can reverse time, but anypony can see it slow down. As Octavia’s cello swung slowly toward my head, I noticed that it wasn’t a proper performance cello. Which wasn’t a surprise really – she wasn’t going to ruin her good cello with my face – instead this one looked like it was reinforced with some form of metal and it made a terrible sound when it hit me. 



  
I found myself in the palace gardens, surrounded by hedges and an assortment of statues. I heard giggling and I turned around, behind me stood an entire class of foals. I could remember most of the faces. This was my old class from Trottingham and they were on the standard cultural field trip to Canterlot every foal goes on. I looked at myself, I was a foal as well and I didn’t even have my mark yet.
 
It was a familiar dream, a memory I’d never been able to forget. The teacher stood in the distance talking about the statue she stood next to. I couldn’t hear her words properly because I never bothered to listen. It was boring field trip, we’d already been told off for talking and I’d only had the teacher to listen to. I was at the back of the group leaning against a nearby statue.
 
“Are you bored little colt?” a voice asked.
 
“Well duh, this trip is the most boring thing ever.” Face it everypony talks like that when they're little. “I just wish things were more exciting.”
 
“Something I can sympathise with,” the voice replied. “Cheer up little colt, I’m sure you’ll live in interesting times.”
 
I looked up at the statue I was leaning against. It was a nightmarish combination of creatures cobbled together into a single form locked in a cheerful dance.
 
Then a crash of sound filled the air with discordant notes as the statue moved to look down at me. My eyes widened with fear.
 
The statue laughed at my terror, wrapping its arms around its body as it bent over in mirth. The dream fell apart around me, the sounds of laughter tearing the world apart as I began to wake up.



 
I tried to stretch my legs as I drifted out of the limbo of concussion-induced sleep. When I found that I could barely move them, I looked down to see that all four of my legs had been tied together. I tried to ask what was going on, but my words were muffled by a rope in my mouth.

I looked around to find myself in the familiar surroundings of my office with the addition of six or so Marefia thugs. I tried to look over my shoulder and found I was lying back to back with Lucky Catch, who was probably tied up just like me.
                    
“Hey, put that gag back on,” said a raspy voice.
 
“Whrt?” I still had the rope wrapped around my head.
 
“I will most certainly not. I can hardly breathe with that thing it on.”
 
It was Rarity’s voice coming from behind me. I couldn’t see her, even with my head fully turned. I gathered some strength to roll myself over, my bound legs coming to rest on Catch’s back. Catch gave a muffled squeak at the contact and turned her own head to see me. She was gagged as well and tried to make eye contact while I looking past her at my client.
 
Rarity was bound up just like us but had removed her gag, and got the attention of every thug in the room at the same time. “Might I also ask why I am trussed up like this? I hardly think that your organization would have even the slightest quarrel with me.”
 
“Be quiet, filly.” The raspy voice said again, this time I could see it came from a unicorn stallion standing over Rarity. “You’re going to sit there until we’re done here.”
 
He seized the rope on the ground next to Rarity but when he tried to put it over her head Rarity lit her own horn. She took hold of the gag as well and started a game of three-dimensional tug of war, doing her best to prevent the gag going back on. The unicorn stallion’s face screwed up in concentration as he fought against Rarity’s telekinesis.
 
Rarity didn’t even pay him any attention, deftly manoeuvring the gag while continuing to complain to everypony else. “I have been very busy over the last few days and this interruption is disrupting my schedule. Let us not forget the damage all this has done to my perfectly styled mane and my coat is going to absolutely filthy from lying on this floor.”
 
Damn that mare could multi-task. She was making a laughing stock of that stallion while complaining about her appearance of all things. If I didn’t have a gag in my mouth I would have been grinning. Rarity turned to look at each thug in turn to glare at them, but when she met my eyes she threw me a subtle smile. As she continued to hold their attention I could feel my gag loosen.
 
“I would hope to expect better from all of you,” She accused. “To be so finely dressed, yet you act like such barbarians in Canterlot of all places. Whoever you work for should be ashamed of your behaviour and teach you all some better manners.”
 
The gag soon fell away and I could use my mouth again. I kept myself quiet though, there was no point losing the element of surprise.
 
“Now that I have your attention, could I perhaps ask for a glass of water? All this—“And that was when the stallion hit her. Getting nowhere with his magic, he slapped Rarity across her face and dislodged one of her eyelashes.
 
“Shut up, you nag!” the stallion yelled. Rarity looked up toward him, fear written all over her face while tears welled up in her eyes.
 
“Hey!” another shout rang out as Lefty and Righty shot forward to stand over Rarity. “The boss said not to hurt her,” Lefty finished. I raised an eyebrow in interest, a quick glance around the room showed that Octavia wasn’t here.
 
“I don’t answer to her. My ponies are only here because the Donna sent us.” As he spoke the other three thugs formed up behind him.
 
“Octavia is in charge of this mission as the Donna’s representative,” Righty argued as she and Lefty both opened their wings. “While you’re here, you answer to her.”
 
This was too good to be true, the thugs were about to knock each other out. I felt a slight tickle as a blue glow untied my legs. Rarity, you magnificent mare, I cheered silently. I could move again and the odds were about to swing in our favour.
 
“I don’t answer to any dirt pony,” the stallion continued and earned a scowl from me, “or any featherbrain.”
 
Lefty’s response was immediate; she spun around slapping the stallion across the horn with a wing to disable his magic and then bucked him full on in the face. The drill head fell over with a crash as Lefty turned to face her next opponent, while Righty was already flying at another.
 
This left one more unicorn thug unengaged but distracted by the fight in front of her. I threw myself to my feet and crept up behind her. Once I was close enough, I spun around to swipe my rear hooves under her legs and stomped her horn against the ground. A unicorn’s horn has a direct line to their brain, so a good hard blow can knock a unicorn out if they’re not ready for it. The blow wasn’t hard enough to break her horn but she would be feeling that for the next week (3).
 
With the rest of the thugs distracted, I went over to Catch to help her to her hooves. She was unstable getting up and had a huge bruise over her right eye that showed through her coat. She’d taken a heavy blow from Righty on the rooftop. Once I got her up we started to make our way toward the door where Rarity was already waiting for us.
 
There was a crash behind me and I winced when I saw that Righty had slammed her opponent across my desk. They wouldn’t be distracted for much longer and I wanted to be anywhere but here. As I reached the door with Catch it was opened by Octavia, cello in hoof and ready to use it.
 
“Back up and sit down.” She slammed the iron stand of her cello against the ground, “now!”
 
Horse apples, we were so close to getting out. I did as she said. I wasn’t going to be able to take on an armed pony head on. Catch was still unstable and I doubted Rarity could do any better than me. I looked behind me to see that the pair of ambidextrous pegasi had finished off their opponents.
 
“Well, now that we’re comfortable,” I said, “I think it’s time we had a chat.”



 
Luna’s Notes:

(1) Given the enemies Time Turner hast cultivated over his lifespan the escape route from his office is a reasonable measure, even at this early period of his career.
 
(2) Time Turner’s record of these events is contested by Rarity.  According to her account, Rarity made the jump across the alleyway easily and the Marefia thugs below were instead tipped off by Time Turner’s hat, which had fallen down during the jump. We remind readers to take these events with a lick of salt as Time Turner is dishonest whenever it suits him. However Rarity is not Applejack and cannot be expected to be entirely honest either, we have our doubts about both stories.

(3) The sensitivity of a unicorn horn is a result of the alicorn material comprising it, which is magically and nervously conductive. The same also applies to earth pony hooves which have a detailed tactile feeling and pegasi wings that can sense air currents, as well as being notoriously sensitive to tickling.