//------------------------------// // River City- Er, uh.. Canterlot Castle Ransom // Story: Half-Life: Pastel Paradise // by I aint no damn brownie //------------------------------// “Hoof me that can of spray paint.” Golden said, putting out his hoof. The Private grabbed said spray paint with his mouth, and dropped it on Golden’s hoof. As expected, the can rolled right off. Golden Shephard then levitated it with his magic. “Why didn’t you just do that in the first place?” The Private asked, mildly irritated. NO reason he couldn’t have- “Because I wanted you to do it.” Private’s eye twitched. “Now shut up and help me with this.” Golden said, spraying the wall with black spray paint. Private widened his eyes at that. “How?? We only need to write one thing!” Golden clicked his tongue. “That’s true.” Private smiled at the fact that he got through to him. Looks like- “Draw a dick.” “What?!” Roughly 2 minutes of spray-painting later.. Golden admired his handiwork. “Hey, Fremen! We have Applejack! Come and get us in the ballroom! Unless you’re too chicken..” And then, right next to it, you could see a highly detailed art-piece of the male equine genitalia. Golden tossed the can behind him and pointed at AJ. “Pick her back up, and get moving. We’re going to the ballroom.” Private sighed, tossed his own can away, and picked her back up. Grunting, he tossed her onto his back. He adjusted slightly to the weight, but was ready to rock and roll. “Now come on. Let’s get there before she wakes up.” Golden said, nodding his head in the direction of another door. “Sir.. how is this even going to work? How do you know he’ll see this?” Private asked, doing a sharp inhale. She was heavy! “Because Freeman can’t go anywhere else.” Golden explained. “What do you mean?” Private asked, raising an imaginary eyebrow. “I blocked off the exits. You remember the earthquake?” He said. Private nodded. “That wasn’t an earthquake. That was me, knocking off chunks of the castle roof.” “What?! But, I almost died!” Private yelled in shock. It was true, he was almost crushed. “Casualties are to be expected in battle. Anyway, Freeman will come by here in a few minutes. He has only one way to go,” He pointed at a vent. “Which will put him here. He’ll see the message, look to that map,” He pointed to a nearby map, “And head to the ballroom, where he’ll find us. He’ll be forced to surrender because we have both weapons AND his friend, and then we can get our Medals of Honor.” Golden nodded to himself, chuckling. It then turned into a cackle. “Uh, sir? That laugh is pretty evil.” Private said nervously. Golden’s eyes widened and he stopped cackling. Coughing once, he nodded. “Of course. Apologies.” “Yeah..” “Ow!” I said, pinching my finger. “Shut up.” Spike said, putting a finger over his lips. “Don’t tell me to shut up!” “I’ll tell you what I want to tell you!” “Both of you shut up!” Rainbow yelled. “You shut up!” We both yelled. I looked back at Spike. He looked at me. Then we all started chuckling. “Just guys being dudes.” I said. “Just dudes being guys.” Spike said as well. Rainbow looked between the both of us. “I’m not a guy!” She objected. We both turned around to look at her. “Yeah well? You’re considered one. That’s an honor.” Spike said, patting her on the head. She exaggerated a frown, but then smiled. “Well.. I guess that’s okay.” Rainbow said. But then she got annoyed. “Move your fat ass.” She grumbled, punching my leg. I said nothing, deciding to simply stare at the wall in front of me. “Hey, Fremen! We have Applejack! Come and get us in the ballroom! Unless you’re too chicken..” And a dick. Hah, nice. Wait.. ...who has Applejack? Who.. who got ahold of her? Is she okay? She’s in the ballroom. What are they planning? Why the ballroom? WHERE is the ballroom? “Gordon, hey! You still with us?” Rainbow asked, tapping my shoulder. I snapped to attention as I remembered that there were people waiting on me. “Right.” I muttered. I smashed open the grate and jumped out. I landed front-side, (on my face) but a roll fixed that. I stood up straight and walked slowly over to the wall. “Hey, what’s up... with..” Spike trailed off, staring at the same message I was. “Why.. and who..?” Rainbow asked, brain clearly as fried as mine was. “Why do they want just you? And why do they have Applejack?” I rubbed my nose. “I.. I don’t know.” “Well there has to be a reason!” Rainbow explained, voice getting louder (and higher). “I don’t know! Ransom, maybe? They know I’ll try and get her back, so they’re trying to lure me to the ballroom. Most likely for an ambush.” I theorized. Rainbow looked up to me. “So, what are we going to do?” “Isn’t it obvious? We’re going to walk right into their trap. Obviously, they expect us to find another way in or something, so if we just walk in they won’t expect it. Unexpect the expected, after all.” I said, turning to a nearby map. “Wait, what?” Spike asked. “They expect us to walk in, but subconsciously know that we’ll sneak in. If we don’t sneak in, they won’t expect it. If we do what they expect (which is what they don’t expect) we’ll have the upper hand. Get it?” Spike looked more lost than before. “No, I don’t get it.” “Eh whatever, you’ll see what I mean.” I said. “But I don’t know where the ballroom is.” I looked around, and smiled. “Thankfully, there’s a convenient map right over here. This should tell us where the ballroom is.” I walked over to it and put my fingers on it. I quickly found a ‘You are here’ decal (already an improvement over the last one) and found the ballroom. It was easy to find as there was text next to it that said ‘Right here, dumbass’. Thanks. I turned to the others. “Okay, so. Here’s the plan. We walk in through the main doors and surprise them. We take them out, grab Applejack, and dip. We want to take two lefts and then a right, which will lead us to the spire we need. We’re already close, but going to the ballroom just puts us closer to it.” They all nodded along. “At that point, we climb the spire and go to Xen. Simple enough, right?” Rainbow nodded, “Yeah. So-“ “EHHH!!” I did an imitation of a buzzer. “Wrong! This is gonna be hard as shit. Stuff is never as easy as it sounds. There’s definitely more debris blocking the exits, so getting to the spire isn’t as simple as a one way path, you get me? And not to mention the fact that these guys are, I’m assuming, trained guards. It’s not as simple as fighting a mindless crab.” I explained. Rainbow’s eyes widened but she nodded quickly. “I thought as much.” She muttered. “Okay. So..” I clapped my hands. “Let’s go kick ass..?” “Let’s go kick ass.” They said at the same time. I smiled. Hell. Yeah. Private pulled on the rope one last time, checking the tightness of it. When it tugged and didn’t go anywhere, he smiled. “She’s all tied up, Sir!” He said enthusiastically. “Good! Grab the bucket.” Golden said, nodding towards a pale of water. Private nodded, and picked it up in his teeth. He looked around the ballroom. Due to nothing actually going on at the moment, it was pretty big and empty. Perfect for this supposed ‘Duel of the fates’ the Captain keeps talking about. He walked over to the orange farmpony and tossed the water on her. She snapped awake and began coughing, all the while shaking in her binds. She stopped coughing and looked at the ropes. “What the hay..?” She looked up at her captors. “What the Tartarus did you two do to me?!” She yelled, trying to break out of her binds. She stopped when she felt the stinging sensation of a migraine. “Hey, calm down. No need to get all antsy. We aren’t gonna hurt you-” Golden started, but he was interrupted. “Well then why-!” Golden stuck a hoof in her mouth. “I was getting to that. We aren’t hurting you. But.. you will be a pawn for us, and if you get hurt, it won’t be because of what we did. We just need your friend, Freeman, to come down here. He’ll come to get you, won’t he?” Golden said, putting a hoof on her shoulder. She moved away from it. “O’ course he will! And when he gets here, he’s gonna kick yer flank!” Applejack said, confidently. “I doubt that.” Golden said, dropping his hoof. “But whatever. If you’re so confident in him.” “I may be. But ya know what? I don’t need him to get outta here. I ain’t no damsel in distress.” Applejack said, smirking. Golden chuckled. “You make me laugh. You? A frail mare? Nice try.” “That’s pretty sexist.” Applejack said, jumping in her chair, causing a loud ‘BANG’ to reverberate around the room. “I don’t-“ Rumble.. “Uh, was that because I jumped in the chair?” Applejack asked. “Sir? I thought you said you wouldn’t make any more debris fall.” Private said, scratching his head. Golden chuckled nervously. “Uh, that wasn’t-“ “SKREEEAAAAAAAA!!!!” A giant pincer burst forth from the floor. And then another. And then two more. They were green in color, and looked rather sharp. The first thing it did was let out another squeal, and send down one of its pincers at lightning speed. Right through Private’s chest. “Ah, AHHHH!!!” He yelled as it dragged him away. Golden panicked and grabbed onto Private’s hind legs. It was all for naught, as he couldn’t hold on. Private was flung towards the monster, in which it opened a weird.. mouth.. and swallowed him whole. The pincer came back down, and Golden dodged it. He ran back to the ballroom wall. The pincer came down, but it just barely missed him. “Oh thank Celestia.” He squeaked out. It came down again, but still couldn’t reach him. He then felt a puddle near the back of his legs. Applejack turned away from the Captain and turned around in her chair. She slowly bounced towards the pincer that was trying to crush her/stab her, and she got just close enough. She felt it stab the rope slightly, and she jumped back one last time. The pincer went straight through the rope, destroying her bindings. She jumped from the chair and galloped towards the ballroom wall, putting her back to it. The monster couldn’t reach her here. It couldn’t when she was in that chair, but she’d rather not risk being too close. A set of ballroom doors were all the way on the other side of it, and she could see clear as day that the pincers could actually reach it. She would die if she attempted to get to it. She didn’t notice the pair that were right next to her. She looked to her kidnapper and saw him cowering in fear. She scoffed, taking notice of his horn. “Hey!” She yelled. He looked over at her, but his fearful expression turned to one of anger. “How did you get out?!” He yelled. “I told ya I could! Anyway, use that fancy horn o’ yers and blast it to Tall Tartarus!” She yelled back. His eyes widened, and he nodded frantically. “Good idea!” He charged up a spell and fired it. The spell narrowly missed it. He did it one more time. Miss. He did it again. Miss. “Buck it!” He yelled, and began rapid-fire shooting them. He hit most of the shots, but it wasn’t doing any clear damage except stunning the pincers slightly. “Why isn’t this working!?” Each shot blasted through the roof, which Applejack took notice of. Wait.. what if.. That’s it! She turned to face him. “Hey! Shoot the roof!” Applejack yelled. He turned to look at her, and his eyes widened even more. “You’re a bucking genius!” He yelled back, and began firing exclusively at the roof. The creature took notice of this, but didn’t understand why he was doing it. Golden continued to shoot, feeling sweat drip down his forehead. Magic took power, power that he didn’t necessarily have completely. He was getting tired. But with one last shot, the roof was unstable enough to collapse. The pincer thing just needed to slam its ugly head into the floor one more time, and the whole thing would fall. He cast a protective spell around himself, but not Applejack. “Hey, what gives?! Cast one on me!” She yelled. Applejack turned around to find a way out of the room, or any form of cover. I’m doing this, she took notice of a set of doors. An exit. Her eyes widened and she took one step- BANG The pincer slammed into the floor. RUMBLE.. ... Roof falling noises. Everything went quiet as Applejack turned to run out of the room. She opened the ballroom doors and dove out, right as the roof collapsed. But she had been too slow. When it all cleared, she saw that her legs had been pinned under a large piece of the roof. It hadn’t fallen hard enough to break anything, but it still hurt like Tartarus. “Applejack..?” A voice asked. A familiar one at that. “What.. What is the meaning of this?” “Tia, we are approaching Canterlot.” Luna said, looking at her sister. “I see that, Lulu. But thank you.” Celestia replied. Luna nodded, but quickly had to dodge a bolt of magic. “What the-?!” She yelled. “That was offensive magic..” Luna muttered. Who was firing at the Princess? “Tia look out!” She yelled, and pushed her sister out of the way of another one. “Where the hay are those coming from!?” Celestia yelled in a panic at almost losing her head. Luna looked in the direction they flew from, and saw the castle becoming a borderline light show. “It’s.. coming from the castle!” She exclaimed, pointing to it. “Do you think somepony is in danger?” Celestia asked. Luna nodded. “Maybe. But we definitely need to see what that is, don’t you agree?” “I do agree.” Celestia nodded, and they both started flying once more. The bolts of magic were getting faster and therefore harder to dodge, but they were managing. What they couldn’t manage, however, was a ton of the things. They were barely scraping by at this point, and Luna had been hit with one. She had cast a protective spell over both of them after that. And then the castle roof caved in. They were on full alert mode now. What the Tartarus was causing this?! They arrived at the shambles of what used to be a beautiful ballroom, and landed inside. They looked around, trying to spot what was causing all that trouble. Debris littered the area, definitely from the roof collapse. It was a war zone, and among this debris.. “Applejack..?” Celestia asked, quickly galloping over to her. “What.. what is the meaning of this?” She asked, and then levitated the roof piece that was pinning down her little pony. “Applejack, are you okay?” She whispered. “Are you awake?” “P-Princess?” Applejack asked. “Yes, Applejack. It’s me. Now.. to reiterate. Are you okay?” She asked with more force. This wasn’t something to be taken lightly. Celestia was lucky she had arrived when she did. “Uh, yeah.. Ah’m fine. Thanks for being here cough to save me.” Applejack muttered, lungs filled with dust. “Tia! I found a body!” Luna yelled, moving another piece of debris in slight panic. “Oh..” She got a good look at who it was. Or, what was left of him. It was the Captain of the Sunlight Guard, Golden Shephard. She put her head down in respect. He was beyond saving. His organs had been splattered on the wall.. She felt the residue of magic. He had cast a.. protective barrier. Around himself. Seems it wasn’t strong enough. Celestia walked up to Luna, “Who is it, Lul-“ She froze. “Oh.. Golden..” Celestia whispered. She felt a tear well up in her eye, but quickly wiped it away. No. She has to be strong. There are bigger issues right now than the death of a friend. Don’t be selfish, Celestia. Your ponies need you. Speaking of her ponies, Applejack walked up next to her. “Izzat him? Oh, it is! Wonderful!” Applejack said, breaking out into a little dance. Celestia felt her wings flare, and her gaze turn icy. She turned to face Applejack. “..What?” She asked, teeth clenched. Celebration.. celebrating the death of a pony?! “Yeah. Bastard kidnapped me and held me for ransom. He’s the reason Ah almost died.” Applejack explained, sticking out her tongue. Suddenly, Celestia didn’t feel like mourning anymore. And.. neither did Luna. Judging by the spit that came out of her mouth and landed on his head. “Isn’t that a little harsh?” Celestia asked. “Nope. Never liked him anyway.” Just as Celestia opened her mouth to respond, the other set of doors were kicked open. “Applejack, we’re here to-!” I froze. “Uh... what’d we miss?” Spike whispered, coming up behind me. “What the Tartarus happened here?” Celestia turned away from Applejack and towards the group that just entered. Upon noticing me, her gaze turned from icy, to shocked, back to icy. “You wouldn’t happen to be a man named ‘Freeman’, would you?” Celestia asked calmly. “That’s me. Why?” I said, slowly reaching for my crossbow. “Freeman..” Luna muttered, and then cast a lie detector spell. “Freeman, did you cause this invasion? I’m getting it out in the open. Straight to the point.” “Wow, not gonna invite me to dinner first-“ I started to crack a joke, but Celestia’s mane turned into FIRE. “ANSWER THE QUESTION!” She yelled. “Ah! Jesus Christ! No, I didn’t!” I yelled, covering my face and backing up. I heard a small ‘ding’ and Celestia’s mane turned back to normal. “Well, Freeman, it seems you aren’t lying. That’s good to know. Anyhow, I’ve got places to be. I’ll be seeing you!” She said, and walked off. Luna slowly trotted over to us. “Forgive my sister. When it comes to her ponies, she becomes borderline bipolar-“ “Lulu! Coming?” Celestia asked cheerfully. “See my point? Anyway, sorry for the trouble. I wish you the best of luck on your travels.” Luna nodded to us. “Thanks, Lulu.” I said. She blushed. “That isn’t my name! It’s Princess Luna, and you shall refer to me as such.” She explained, pouting. “Sorry, Princess.” I said. She nodded, smiled, and walked off. I turned to the group. They all looked at me. “That was weird!” I yelled, flinging my arms up into the air. “Yeah. I agree with you on that.” Spike said, sighing. “So.. we didn’t save Applejack?” He asked. “Nnnnope. Ah saved myself.” She explained. I grinned and turned to her. “Ah, AJ! Good to see you’re okay. And good job getting out of there! That was really impressive!” I gushed, smacking her back lightly. “Yeah, yeah..” She muttered, batting the floor, an embarrassed expression on her face. “Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m in the mood for some spire climbing and alien fighting. Who’s with me?” I asked, putting out my hand. Rainbow was first to join. Then Spike, and finally Applejack. “Kickass on three!” I exclaimed. “1..” “2..” “3!” “Kickass!” We all yelled. “Alright. Let’s move, shall we? If I recall it’s two lefts and then a right, yeah?” Spike questioned. I nodded. “That it is, buddy.” I said, and turned around. I lead the group to the other side, and walked through the door. I turned left and began walking. The hallway was actually rather nice. It had tapestries still on the wall, there were some paintings (very few were broken) and it was painted a nice shade of purple. Lilac, if I were to guess. It was tall, but not too tall. Rather comfy. I took the next left, and got disheartened at the fact that this one was exactly the same. I expected it.. but come on! Can’t even have new ideas? I took the next right, and the hallway ended with one door. “So.. I guess it really was a clear shot.” I coughed, looking to Rainbow Dash. “I guess you’re right. So.. uh.. is this it? The door of destiny?” Spike asked. “I think it is. Well, let’s-“ I took one step forward, and my Geiger counter started going off. I held out my arms to stop the others. “Nope, do not go any further.” I said, forcefully. “What, why?” Spike asked. “My Geiger counter is going off.” I explained. Rainbow did a spit-take, but without any water. “Wait, doesn’t that mean-“ “Yes. Whatever is through that door.. is highly radioactive. I think it’s picking up on the teleporter.” I explained, but then started talking to myself. “But.. it never goes off this far away.. how radioactive is that damn thing?” “So.. is this it?” Rainbow asked. “Is this where we part ways?” I nodded slowly. “I’m afraid so, RD.” She looked disheartened at the news. Couldn’t blame her. “But look. This isn’t the end of the stuff you need to do. There are still a lot of people out there that need your help, and I want you to go and help them. Take your baton, and go wreak havoc on the city. See if anyone needs any help.” I said, kneeling down. She nodded. “Sir, yes, Sir!” “Applejack?” I said. She straightened up. “I need you to turn the castle into a safe-house. Think you can do that?” “I can do that faster than you can say ‘Horse-radish.’” She smiled. “Horse-radish.” I said. She exaggerated a frown, and I chuckled. “Alright, well..” I began to say, but froze when Rainbow suddenly hugged me. I patted her on the back awkwardly. “What brought this on?” I asked, though I wasn’t complaining. “Just.. don’t die, ‘Kay? Dying is for losers. And you’re not a loser.” She muttered, looking into my eyes. “Don’t worry.” I said. “I don’t plan on it.” She pulled out of the hug and smiled at me. She gained a determined expression and flew off. “See you, Freeman!” She yelled. “See ya.” I muttered. Applejack looked at me and tilted her hat. “Good luck out there, Gordon. Ah had a good time. Ah’ll miss ya.” I nodded, and smiled. “I’ll miss you too.” She turned and galloped off. I looked over at Spike. “Anything you wanna say?” I asked. He smiled. “Dragons can handle heat. Up to about.. 4000 degrees Fahrenheit.” “Wait..” I started. “Pretty sure I can handle a little radiation.” Spike explained, shrugging. “That’s not how radiation works..” I sighed. “It’ll melt your skin, man. I wish you could come, but-“ “Scales.” He pointed at himself. Oh, yeah. Because that’ll just make me change my mind- I pondered this thought. Would he really be fine? I mean, he can handle intense heat. And he doesn’t have skin. Or at least, it’s protected by scales. He should be okay.. right? “Well, there’s only one way to find out.” Spike said, and began running to the door. Did I say that out loud? Wait! “Hey, wait!” I yelled. He flung the door open and was blasted back by a wave of air. This same wave of air came by and threw me down, too. “Warning! Hazardous radiation levels detected!” The suit said. Also, it beeped, signifying a minor loss of health. Health: 55 Armor: 23 When in the hell did I lose armor? Probably from all that falling.. you know, from the vents. Shit hurts. Wait, Spike! I quickly stood up and was about to run over to him when he stood back up. He grinned, and flashed me a thumbs up. “All good. No pain.” My eyes widened, but then I smiled. Son of a bitch.. The gang is half here. Xen isn’t a solo mission! “Just guys being dudes..?” I started. “Just dudes being guys.” He finished. Looks like I’m not going to be alone again. Not for a long while. I put out my hand, and Spike gripped it tightly with a claw. Oh yeah. Just guys being dudes.