Carl's Bedroom- Night
Carl didn't know what to say to Twilight. As he looked at her, he could see the absolute desire that she had to learn more about Carl's past. Even Spike, who had only been here for a few hours, was now looking at Carl with interest. His own, green eyes as wide as a kid that is waiting to hear the meaning of life or some deep philosophical teaching...or just looking at a tray full of assorted chocolates. Yeah, that's probably more accurate.
He was nervous because no one ever asked him about his father except for James and Ryan, and even then, when they tried to get Carl to "let them in", he'd back out and keep silent, making up some bullshit answer that they'd buy just to leave him alone. But when he looked at Twilight, especially after what had happened earlier that day in the car, he realized that he couldn't lie to her. Her eyes weren't just two windows to her soul; they were daggers that were trying to get into Carl's soul to better understand him, and Carl wanted her to understand him.
He sighed and sat on the edge of his bed so he faced both Twilight and Spike.
"Carl," Twilight muttered, "I know it's bothering you, please tell me."
"Yeah man, we won't judge you or anything if that's what you're worried about." Spike said as he sat up, his green, reptilian eyes meeting Carl's violet eyes.
"I know you two won't judge me." Carl said, "I just don't like talking about it, it's too painful."
Twilight moved closer to Carl and put her front hooves onto his legs and pushed herself up so that she was at eye-level with him. "Carl, I want to know what happened with your father."
Carl sighed and looked down for a second.
"It's been so long since I've talked about it," He muttered before looking back up at Twilight and Spike before continuing, "it happened when I was twelve…"
FLASHBACK- 2007 (Carl, Twilight and Spike's comments are in italics)
Inside Mr. Courtie's shop, a much younger Carl was busy sweeping up the floor before he got ready to leave for the day. He was in his employee uniform, which had not changed much over the course of five years from then to now. His hair is still curly, but a bit longer than it is now. But even on his younger self, Carl's eyes still were the same, vibrant purple.
Next to him was an equally young James, who was working at the register and looking out of the window of the shop, wanting to get out so he could enjoy the day.His hair was still long and untamed, much like it is at age 17.
"…it seemed like it was going to be the best summer of my life. My parents were working out some problems that they had in their relationship, I was working for Mr. Courtie in his magic shop, well…I mean, I was working with Bright Illusion."
"Oh yeah, I forgot that my Uncle is here. I haven't seen him in years." Twilight piped in.
"I know that now, trust me" Carl said with a small chuckle as he remembered what happened earlier that night at the small magic shop. "But this was long before I knew that. Actually, I just found out about his relation to you today."
"That's right, you went to go pick James up from his shop. How is he?"
"He's fine Twilight, and he misses seeing you. Now, where was I?"
"Carl! James!" Mr. Courtie called from the back room of his shop. A room Carl would forever associate with rotating walls, from earlier in the day, and, in this case, broken dreams.
When he and James were called, Carl looked up. His eyes showed the pure, unbridled excitement of a child that was about to witness something magical. He placed the broom against the wall of the shop and ran back with pure excitement in his eyes. Meanwhile James just rolled his eyes and followed at a leisurely pace, his realist attitude not much different than it was now.
They both entered the back room which, like the rest of the store and the vests that both boys wore, hadn't changed much over the years. Hell, the spiked fan and the giant cross were both there. Mr. Courtie sat in his chair, the same chair he was in earlier that day, the chair he remained in even as the room around him rolled around. The chair he revealed his true self to Carl, Ryan and James.
"I loved working with him because the concept of magic had always appealed to me. Watching Mr. Courtie make the impossible happen right before our eyes made me so excited and happy."
"You sound like you were similiar to me." Twilight giggled.
"I guess that's why I'm the Element of Magic."
"Yeah, but I still don't think you went as overboard as Twilight here." Spike muttered.
"Spike!" Twilight hissed.
"What? I'm just saying your OCD can get quite out of hand." Spike then turned to Carl, "Carl, did you know sometimes I'll wake up in the morning to find Twilight sitting at her desk, face down and asleep in her spell books?"
"Sounds like something she would do." Carl chuckled.
"Some days, there's so much drool on the pages, I'm afraid to pick up the book because I think it'll drip out onto my hand." Spike said with a face of disgust, which only made Carl laugh harder.
Twilight just stared at Carl flatly as she waited for his laughter to stop.
"Finish your story."
"What kind of cheap trick do you have to show us now Mr. Courtie?" James asked with his arms crossed as he had the same, disbelieving face that he often did now at the age of seventeen.
"James! It isn't a cheap trick. It's real." Carl said with excitement before turning to Mr. Courtie, "Right Mr. Courtie?"
Mr. Courtie smiled and gave a small nod.
"Right you are, Carl." He then proceeded to pull out a white cloth and a dead mouse, which he put onto its back on a small table in front of the two boys. The two boys recioled a bit at the sight of the dead rodent.
"Um, Mr. Courtie, why do you have a dead mouse?" James asked in disgust.
"My little assistant here," he pointed to the mouse, "is going to show you something simply amazing."
"Mr. Courtie always had some amazing tricks up his sleeve…."
"Can you call him Bright Illusion Carl? Sorry I just keep forgetting it's my Uncle."
Carl chuckled, "Of course Twilight. Bright Illusion used to show us many amazing tricks."
"Watch this." Mr. Courtie muttered as he put the white cloth onto the dead rodent. He put his hand over it and closed his eyes, "Soul of the deceased, do not go towards the light of death, return to the darkness of life. It is not your time."
A little blue aura came out of his hands and hit the cloth, but it was quick and fleeting, so the annoyed James didn't notice and Carl forgot about it quickly. Mr. Courtie slowly lifted the cloth to show a perfectly healthy, living mouse roll back onto its feet. Mr. Courtie picked it up and held it out for the two boys to see. Carl had a big smile on his face while James' jaw hung open.
"Wow!" Carl said excitedly, "how did you do that?"
"Magic." He said happily.
"T-that's not possible." James muttered in shock.
Mr. Courtie smiled back. "Anything is possible, James."
"Anything?" Carl asked.
"Anything." Mr. Courtie said happily. "You just have to believe it."
"I still think you just knocked that rat out with some gas and woke it up."
"It's not a rat, James, it's a mouse." Mr. Courtie said with his smile.
"Who cares, it's a rodent, does it matter what kind it is?" James muttered as he picked up a small figurine and examined it as if to show his lack of interest with Mr. Courtie's magic. Actually, saying he had a "lack" of interest would be falsely insinuating James had any interest, in truth he couldn't be more apathetic about the whole thing.
Of course, Carl was a different story. He loved magic, and watching tricks like this always fascinated him to no end.
"Mr. Courtie, was it that phrase you said that made it happen?" Carl asked, eyes still showing immense joy.
"Yes." Mr. Courtie said, even though it was a lie. He didn't want to lie to Carl but he had no choice, after all the Princess told him not to reveal himself as a unicorn to Carl until the time was right.
"Now I know he really did bring that mouse back to life. What I didn't realize, however, was that he lied about the phrase being the reason. Obviously he always had magic as he was a unicorn, but I didn't know that, so I believed him and felt like I could bring something, or someone, back to life if I just said those magic words, "Soul of the deceased, do not go towards the light of death, return to the darkness of Earth. It is not your time"."
"For the next few days I practiced the spell with him until I was able to bring mice back to life. Of course I'm now sure that he revived them with his own magic when I closed my eyes to say the chant. I actually thought I could bring the dead back to life." Carl narrated with a chuckle before proceeding.
Carl sat at a table with Mr. Courtie sitting across from him. His eyes were closed, mouth barely moving as he whispered out the chant Mr. Courtie told him. A white cloth lay on the table-top, a lump clearly present underneath.
"Soul of the deceased, do not go towards the light of death, return to the darkness of life. It is not your time."
What Carl didn't see, was Mr. Courtie's hand, placed strategically underneath the tabletop, just below the mouse's corpse. He, himself, didn't mutter anything, all he needed was his aura. His hand glowed a blue color, the light dancing around as he mentally cast the spell as Carl spoke the faux spell that didn't do anything besides give the boy a false sense of success after Mr. Courtie used his actual magic on the mouse to revive it.
Once he was done uttering the incantation, or what he thought it was, Carl opened his eyes as Mr. Courtie slowly lifted the white cloth off of the mouse, revealing it standing on all four feet, eyes blinking and looking around as it sniffed the ground. Carl's eyes lit up, a grin spread across his face while Mr. Courtie gave him a small round of applause.
"Well done Carl."
Carl looked up at Mr. Courtie and jumped out of his chair. He ran over to Mr. Courtie and threw his arms around his boss, thankful for the help he had given him in performing such a trick.
"I was so happy that I finally thought I mastered a revival spell. If there was a cloud higher than nine, I was there, soaring above everyone else in my blissful fantasy where magic done by humans was possible. But like everyone before me, I soon had to learn the truth. Now, normally people find out about the false nature of human magic simply by going through maturity. But not me. I learned it in the worst way possible, it happened a few days later."
Carl, Lisa, who was only four, and his parents were walking through the city after seeing a movie. The streets were almost empty and dark, the only light coming from the moon above and the street-lamps that lined the streets, a quiet, electrical hum the only sound outside of the family's footsteps.
"Wow it's cold out." Lauren said as she gave a small shiver, looking around at the dark environment.
"It's upstate New York honey, what do you expect?" Carl's father chuckled.
"Yeah but it's June, you'd think the weather would be warmer."
"Again, Upstate New York."
Carl was right beside him and Lisa was next to Lauren.
"Hey Dad, are you gonna make my soccer game tomorrow?" Carl asked happily.
His dad looked down at him and smiled, "Wouldn't miss it for the world."
"I was so excited, you have no idea. He didn't go to a soccer game of mine in years, and to hear him say that he would be there meant so much to me. I had a great job, my parents were happy again after a year of arguing and a short-term separation. Then, in one moment, everything changed."
After the four of them turned a corner, they saw five young men, looking around seventeen to twenty-one years old, dressed in black clothing with black headbands and bandanas that were either white, red or black. The classic anarchist style that so many gang members in Wilmont chose to follow. They leaned against a building and joked around as the smoked cigarettes, blowing giant plumes of smoke into the air around them as they laughed about something.
Now, even though Carl's family was not rich, they were rich in the eyes of people who lived in this part of town as they were extremely poor.
And that made them the enemy.
Once the leader of the gang saw the family coming, he held up his hand to silence his men, who were still laughing from whatever hilarious joke was told. He stepped forward towards the family before he took his cigarette from his mouth and flicked it to the ground, stomping on it for good measure before focusing all of his attention on Carl's family, specifically his father, who was at the lead.
The anarchist punk walked closer to the family. Mr. Lewis stopped, followed by Carl, Lisa and Lauren, when they saw the clearly insane man approaching. He stopped about four feet in front of the family and grinned.
"Fellas, are you lost?"
"No, we're fine." Carl's dad said as he tried to make his way by . The man just stepped into his path to stop him.
He looked down at Carl's father's watch with a smile and pointed to it, "That's a nice watch you've got there, would you mind giving it to me?"
Lauren looked nervously up at Carl's dad as Carl just stood there, confused.
"I'm sorry….t-this is my watch." Carl's father said. The man took a step closer to him and stood him down.
"You have nice clothes, a nice wife and kids, and you won't give me a little watch that probably cost you nothing?" he snarled, "Why do you need it, hm? To make sure you aren't late for your measly fucking job that probably pays way more than it should? A job where you probably work in a cushy office while people like me, the NEEDY, work on the grimy streets to make our living?"
"Now look here..." Carl's father began, only to have the punk cut him off.
"Do you know why I need that watch? I need it for my rent. You just need it to look pretty, who needs it more in this scenario."
"Well, I paid for it," He replied flatly, "so it is my watch. Now if you fellas will excuse us…"
That was when two of the other men took out their guns and pointed it at him. The last two men pointed their own guns at Lauren, Lisa and Carl. Laruen screamed in fear and the kids got back, eyes wide.
"Listen man," the leader said as he pulled his own gun out to point directly at Carl's dad, whose hands were now up and shaking in fear, "Don't be a hero, just give me the watch."
Carl's dad didn't need to be told again. He quickly took off the watch and handed it to the gunman. The gunman took it and grinned. "Great, now give me your wallet."
Once again, Carl's dad obliged and started to take the cash out when the man shook his head, "No, no, just give me the entire thing. You can afford a new wallet, I know you can you rich fuck."
Carl's dad sighed and handed his entire wallet to the man. Once the gang leader took it, Carl's dad took a step back, his hands still raised, "There' that's everything. Are you happy or do you want the clothes on my back too?"
"Almost." the anarchist said with a sly smile.
"What do you mean?"
The man turned to Lauren and pointed at her, "I want her to come with us."
Now Carl's father stopped shaking in fear and became furious.
"No." Carl's dad growled, "You won't touch her. You can take my watch and wallet, but you won't lay a hand on anyone in my family."
The man scowled and snapped his fingers. At this, moment, the two men who had their guns pointed at Carl's father began to walk towards Lauren, who was frozen with fright, unable to move a single muscle even as the man approached.
This prompted Carl's father to punch one of the men in the face and throw the other to the ground as if he were a rag-doll. He was about to knock out the second guy with his foot when a gunshot rang out through the alley. Carl's father looked down at his chest to see blood spilling out of his chest. He looked back up at the anarchist that shot him, an exhausted, yet apathetic look on his face. He then collapsed to the ground, blood pooling around his body.
"He was shot, and we all saw it. Me, my mom, and my four-year old sister all saw our father lay on the ground dying, each breath he took was closer to being his last."
After Carl's father was on the ground with two bullets in his chest, the five men ran off. Lauren screamed and knelt down to her husband's side. "Daniel! Daniel! Stay with us come on!"
"Dad!" Carl was on his father's other side.
Lisa was next to their mother, sobbing like any other four year old would in the same situation.
"He was taken to the hospital a little while later and pronounced dead. When the doctor came out to tell us the news, Mom and Lisa sobbed like crazy and held onto each other like their lives depended on it. But I couldn't react, I was too shocked."
"Oh my gosh Carl, that's terrible!" Twilight gasped in horror, her eyes starting to get watery while she listened to the story.
"Why...why would anypony do something like that?" Spike asked in shock.
"If you stay in this world long enough, you'll understand. Instances of murder like this aren't uncommon, especially in Wilmont." Carl stated flatly before continuing with the story. "Anyway, we were all in the waiting room now and had so many terrible feelings flowed through us. My hands were so numb that I remember wringing them together to see if I could get feeling in them. I even bit my lip hard to make sure it wasn't a dream. But when I felt pain and tasted the blood, I knew it wasn't."
"But then I remembered Mr. Courtie and the white mouse from a few days before. I remembered the chant."
In the hospital waiting room, the nurse came in and offered Carl, Lauren and Lisa the chance to see their father's body, so they all got up to go back to see him. As they walked towards the room, Carl kept thinking about how he could bring his father back, how he could revive him so he could go to his soccer game the next day. How he could revive him and their family could be whole again, something that it was going to be before that asshole shot him down like a dog.
As they entered the room, they saw Carl's father lying face-up in his bed, his eyes closed and his face dry and pale. They didn't cover his face with the sheet so that the family could see him one last time before the eventual funeral. Carl was the first one to walk over to his father's side as Dr. Bernstein, walked over to Lauren to discuss post-mortem things such as life insurance, etc. before he let her go to the bed to say good-bye to her husband.
Meanwhile, Carl went right to work. He closed his eyes and extended his hands above his father.
"I knew it had to work, it just had to. People I knew have lost family, but I couldn't. It didn't feel like it could ever happen to me. I knew that I could save him if I just did what I did with Bright Illusion, or Mr. Courtie as I called him back then, to bring the mice back to life."
Carl let out a sigh and muttered, "Soul of the deceased, do not go towards the light of death, return to the darkness of life. It is not your time."
He opened his eyes excitedly, only to see that his father's eyes were still closed, his chest unmoving, and he was still dead as the pre-spell mice.
He tried again, this time with a more shaky voice that mirrored his building desperation, "Soul of the deceased, do not go towards the light of death, return to the darkness of life. It is not your time." He opened his eyes and…nothing. Still a dead father.
Dr. Bernstein finally saw what Carl was doing and walked over to him. He put his hand onto his shoulder, "Son, are you okay?"
Carl didn't listen, he was too focused on the task at hand, "Soul of the deceased, do not go towards the light of death, return to the darkness of life. It is not your time."
"Carl what are you doing?" Lauren asked through tears, "stop this nonsense and get over here."
"Soul of the deceased, do not go towards the light of death, return to the darkness of life. It is not your time."
Carl opened his eyes, once again, to see his father was dead. He shook his head as tears began to flow. His hands were now shaking and his face was red.
"COME ON!" he shouted.
"Kid let's go." Dr. Bernstein said calmly as he started to pull a sobbing Carl away from the bed, but Carl pried himself lose and ran back, put his hands onto his father and shouted, "Soul of the deceased, do not go towards the light of death, return to the darkness of life. It is not your time! Come on Dad, please don't do this to me! DAD! DAD!"
Carl began to shake his father's corpse as Dr. Bernstein grabbed him and pulled him off. Carl was trying to get back to his father's side, but the doctor wouldn't let him.
"Carl, please stop this!" Lauren shouted as Lisa continued to cry. But Lauren was now crying harder than Lisa was.
Carl then gave up and fell to the floor, sobbing.
"Why….why…." Carl muttered as he set up and buried his face into his hands, crying more than he ever had in his life and, up to the present, ever had.
"I didn't understand. My father didn't wake up. I did what Bright Illusion had taught me to do with the mice, but it didn't work on my father.
When it really mattered.
I felt a mix of sadness for losing my father, and anger that the man I worshipped had lied to me. That magic had let me down. So the next day I went into his shop to confront him."
The next day, Carl walked into Mr. Courtie's shop with his eyes red from crying and his body still shaking. His legs were shaking as well, making him stumble a few times as he walked. He went past James, who was busy re-arranging the shelves. As he noticed Carl walk by, James called to him. But Carl didn't acknowledge his friend as he continued to the back room, like a man on a mission.
Mr. Courtie was reading an old book when Carl got into the back room. When he heard Carl, Mr. Courtie saw him and stopped reading, "Carl boy, what are you doing here? I thought you're mom said you wouldn't be here because of your father."
"Why did you lie to me?" Carl asked.
Mr. Courtie's expression became one of confusion, "What do you mean?"
"I tried that revival trick that you taught me to use on the mice and it didn't work." He hissed, "My father's was still dead."
James walked to the back and stopped just outside of the room that Carl and Mr. Courtie were in, listening to the confrontation.
Mr. Courtie was frozen. His eyes were wide in horror, "Carl...you didn't try my spell on your father...did you?"
"Of course I did! If your father was laying dead on a hospital bed, wouldn't you?"
Mr. Courtie closed his eyes and let out a long sigh, "Well, Carl, you see mice are simpler beings than humans and…"
"STOP LYING TO ME!" Carl shouted, making Mr. Courtie jump back a bit. Carl began to cry more and he looked at Mr. Courtie with pleading, "Be honest with me….please…does magic exist? Can I do magic? Can you?"
"Carl of course it exists."
"Then why didn't the magic work when I did it to my father? Can you revive my father?"
"Humans are too complex to revive Carl, I'm sorry."
Carl just shook his head and gulped, "Mr Courtie...how were you really able to revive the mouse?"
Mr. Courtie was frozen, unsure about what to tell him. He couldn't say that he was a unicorn just yet because it wasn't opportune; Celestia wanted him to wait until Twilight arrived to him before this was even an issue. Besides, he didn't tell Carl, but he didn't have enough power to revive a being that was as complex has a human. So, still unsure about what to tell him, he just looked at Carl sadly and said five words that changed their relationship forever.
"I can't tell you yet."
Carl nodded in a bitter understanding.
"I don't ever want to see you again."
Carl stormed towards the exit of the store, pushing by James.
James turned towards his angry friend just as he was about to leave the story, "Carl, man what…"
"FUCK OFF!" Carl shouted as he turned around and stared down James, who took a few steps back in fright.
Carl then turned around left the store in a huff, tears running down his face like two rivers.
"At that point in life, believe it or not, the worst word that I ever said was "crap", and even that ended in my mouth being washed out with soap."
PRESENT DAY- Carl's Room
"And that's why I stopped believing in magic."
Carl looked up at Twilight and Spike to see their reactions. Twilight eyes were on Carl, but tears were running down her cheeks. Spike just seemed to be in shock at everything that Carl had told him, but Carl could tell he was upset too, just better at holding it back than Twilight was.
Or maybe it was just because he wanted to hold his emotions back, while Twilight didn't care if she let lose.
Twilight, however, just let the tears flow naturally and didn't try to hold anything back.
"Carl, I'm…I'm so sorry." She whispered.
"What are you sorry about?" Carl said with a re-assuring smile.
"I just feel bad that you had to go through all that. I wish you knew earlier, but it's just…only the most powerful unicorns to have the ability to revive animals, and those are only the smaller ones, which is why he could revive a mouse. My Uncle wasn't lying when he said he couldn't save your father."
Carl nodded, "I know. I was just so upset after he died that I couldn't hold back, even from Mr. Courtie…er I mean Bright Illusion."
Twilight quickly got up and ran over to Carl. She threw her arms around him in a hug. Carl returned the gesture as she cried into his shoulder, "Carl I'm sorry that our kind made you lose faith….I'm sorry."
"Twilight, please don't be sorry." Carl said, trying to hold his tears back.
Spike walked over as well, "Carl are you sure you're okay?"
He nodded, "Spike I appreciate your concern, but it's been five years. I've already shed most of my tears."
Spike nodded at him and patted his arm to give his own version of saying "It's okay man, I'm here for you."
After a few minutes, Twilight stopped crying and drew herself back, looking at Carl, who was smiling at her. He wiped the two tear-streaks off of her cheeks with his thumb.
"You know, you shouldn't cry so much, it clouds up your beautiful eyes." he whispered.
He suddenly realized what he just said and his mouth hung open. Twilight looked at him in confusion as Spike's jaw dropped to where it almost touched the mattress, in classic cartoon fashion.
"You….you think my eyes are beautiful?" she asked with a smile that showed how her mood was improving.
Carl nodded, "Uh-huh….excuse me." Carl got up and quickly walked out of the room towards the bathroom. Once inside, he shut the door.
Twilight giggled a bit, feeling better after Carl's compliment and knowing that he was embarrassed.
"What was that about?" Spike asked.
"Nothing, he's just a little shy." Twilight said, but she was smart enough to know that he was hiding feelings for her, and she wanted to talk to him more about it.
"Gosh I feel like I'm going to be playing Carl's therapist." She thought half-joking.
Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Carl looked at himself in the mirror just as Ryan had that morning after he had his dream about Rainbow Dash. His eyes were wide in fear and he was shaking.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" he thought. He tried to think of other things that didn't have anything to do with Twilight, but he couldn't. Whenever he let his mind wander, the image of Twilight's eyes and face would appear and he would fantasize about her. He closed his eyes, "Just stop, okay? You aren't Ryan; you aren't in love with a pony. You don't have romantic feelings for Twilight. Just let it go and deal with it tomorrow."
Carl sighed and exited the bathroom.
Pete's House- Morning
Pete's alarm went off right beside his head as his eyes slowly opened. The rays of sunlight shone directly into his face, making him put his hand up in defense from being blinded. He slowly sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. He got out of bed and walked over to his computer and logged into Facebook. While he was on, he noticed that someone had left him a message and decided to check it out.
Pete,
Hello, my name is Carl Lewis. We bumped into each other at the mall yesterday before you ran into that prick Lawrence and his two lap-dog cronies. Listen, I was wondering if you could meet my friends and I at the mall tomorrow at around 11 for lunch, it's urgent.
Pete shook his head, "Yeah, like I'm going out with you. I don't even know you."
But then he got the last line of the message,
Penelope is looking forward to seeing you there.
Let me know as soon as possible. We need you, thanks
Carl Lewis
Pete smiled, "Penelope…." He thought dreamily, remembering the pink-haired, bubbly girl that he met the day before. He then realized thinking about her was making him contemplate going to the mall, something he knew that he'd regret doing.
"No! You can't go there. Besides…" he suddenly looked up into a small mirror on his desk, "you know that you'd say something stupid and ruin any chance to even be friends with her."
Pete turned his computer off and slowly made his way downstairs. He ate with his parents, the only people that he felt comfortable talking to, the only ones who were reliable and there for him when he needed them. They were kind and supportive, very similar to Ryan's parents in those regards, which is why they were like Pete's best friends.
Once he was done eating, he went back upstairs to watch television by himself.
But his mind kept going back to the invitation to the mall, and how he hadn't been invited by anyone to anything in years. Not to mention Carl made it sound vital that he be there. Pete decided to think about going, but his nervous, overanalyzing mind continued to yell at him to not do so.
Besides, he knew that if he went, he would just be a wall-flower and not say anything, for fear of saying something that was stupid, or unfunny. And if it was funny, it would be because it was so un-funny it drew laughs from everyone.
"God, what should I do?"