//------------------------------// // Tour! // Story: Ranger Takes on Equestria // by I aint no damn brownie //------------------------------// I rubbed my eyes as I tried to stay awake. I haven’t gotten a good nights rest in days, and now that I’m brutally aware of the time passing, I’m even more tired. Back in the Quake dimension, there wasn’t really a day or night. Mostly just dusk. Whenever I was outside, it wasn’t pleasant. I definitely preferred the murder dungeons over the mysterious forests. After all, you know what you’re getting into in those dungeons. Ogres, Changelings, Knigh- Sqeeeaa~ I jumped up into standing position and pulled out my double barrel. Adrenaline pumping, I looked around. My eyes settled on the Princess. She had moved. I sat back down, sighing. The bed creaked. I thought someone was going to commit a murder-death-kill on Princess Luna, but NO! JUST THE BED! God, I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m grumpy. A bad combination, but one is usually a side-effect of the other, so it’s a double-dick-super-combo-value-pack at Costco. Man, I could really go for some Costco deli food right now. Their hot dogs are lovely, and they just recently brought back chocolate frozen yogurt, so I should check that out- They don’t have Costco in horse dimension, do they? ... Horses are herbivores.. There’s.. there’s no meat in horse land. I put a fist to my head and hit it a couple times. FUCK! Calm down, calm down. No reason to get so worked up. They probably had good substitutes here. Do they eat hay like french fries? Heh. Maybe. Doubt it, but that’s a pretty funny thought. You go to a restaurant, “Hey, can I get a grass burger and some hay fries?” “Sure, would you like some bucket water to go with it?” “Yes please.” “What size?” “Large.” I giggled to myself. Horse land is weird. Or at least, I hope it’s weird. If it’s not weird then that would be a big let-down. But it’s a dimension of horses. It’s guaranteed to be weird. Especially because this one in front of me has a unicorn horn and pegasus wings. You know, two fictional accessories. On the same horse. Or is it a pony? It’s a little small to be a horse. Fuck it, she’s a pony now. I can ask her in the morning. Or, whenever she wakes up. Fuck, what time is it? I looked to a nearby wall clock. 5:00 AM. Okay. It’s early morning. “Yaaawwn... mhm. Good day, Trent McClane. I am back from my daily patrol of the realm of dreams.” Princess Luna said, rubbing her eyes. I looked up at her, and I sighed. “Can I go to sleep now?” “Yes. Take your rest, We shall go have a meal.” I fell asleep not 10 seconds after she said that. “Trent McClane, wake up.” I heard someone say. My eyes slowly opened, and I looked up at Princess Luna. “Wakey wakey, sleepyhead. We figured thou would like to know where you are staying, so We are going to give thee a tour of the castle.” She said. I nodded and sat up. “How long did I sleep?” “Two days.” “Two days?!” My eyes widened at the news. Had I really been that tired? Why didn’t she wake me up? She had to go to sleep and patrol the dream realm, right? Did she just trust me to wake up if she were in danger? That’s stupid. “Yes. Two days. Anyhow, let’s give you a tour!” She said, and put out her hoof. I grabbed it and used it to stand up. I didn’t, really. It looks like she would fall over if I were to do that. “There’s my bathroom, if you ever need to use it.” She said, pointing her hoof to a door that had a moon emblazoned on it. So, I slept for two days, you can probably guess what I did with that knowledge. A little later, she opened the door to her chambers and the guards turned to look. They saw me and raised their spears. “At ease. He is with me.” Luna commanded, and the guards turned back around. It was that ea- shut the fuck up brain, of course it was that easy. She’s the Princess. “Well, come along!” She said, noticing I wasn’t following. I shook my head and ran to catch up. The castle was... huge. It was clearly a castle. Well god damn. We’ve got a genius on our hands. “Over there is the break room for the royal guards. And over there is where the barracks are located.” She said, pointing to two different doors. I nodded. “Now, see, a lot of this castle is just guest bedrooms and closets. There is really no reason to live in a place so big other than status.” Luna muttered. We continued our long trek. Thankfully, we haven’t encountered any stairs yet. Because I doubted those would be anything but cardio. “Over there is the kitchen. Are you-“ My stomach grumbled. Right, two days without food. Luna chuckled. “Alright. I’ll get you some food.” “Thanks.” Hey wait. “Wait a minute..” I said. “Yes?” She questioned, stopping. “Why are you being so nice to me? You gave me a place to live, you gave me a job, hell, you’re going to give me lunch! What’s up with that?” Luna pondered, searching for the correct thing to say. “Well, We are a Princess. Despite the fact that some ponies grovel at our hooves, We don’t necessarily rule with an iron horseshoe. We do have laws, and discipline of course, but we still help our people in any way we can. I would have done the same had you been anypony else.” Luna admitted. I raised my eyebrow. Huh, Princesses sure are a lot nicer here than back home. That’s why we have democracy, after all. But it seems these people can live just fine under a monarchy. I envy you, horse land! “Well, thank you for it. I really appreciate all you’ve done for me.” “You are welcome, Trent McClane. But We haven’t done much, I assure you.” She smiled slightly. “You can just call me Trent, you know.” “Okay Trent. Anyway, back on topic! Would you like some lunch?” I nodded. Celestia put down the letter, raising her eyebrow as if she had one. Twilight had written to her about this beast that had shown up at her doorstep. She described it as tall and bipedal, holding a weapon that was covered in blood. She said the weapon looked like a mix between an axe and a hammer. Twilight said she used a random defensive spell, but she doesn’t know which one. It could have been a vaporization spell, or a random teleportation spell.. But he had disappeared immediately after being struck with the spell. Celestia pulled out a piece of paper and a quill. Dear Twilight, First things first, I am disappointed in you. It may hurt to hear but you must realize that you have made an error. Instead of taking the time to think of something to do, you decided to immediately resort to using force. That is unacceptable. It could have been just a scared animal. But with that out the way.. I wish to let you know that I shall look out for this creature. If I see anything, I will alert you. Your Teacher, Princess Celestia. Rolling up the piece of paper, she sent it off. She rubbed a hoof on her forehead. “She can be quite the bonehead sometimes.” She chuckled to herself. “And over here is the throne room. This is where me and Tia spend most of our time together, whether it be reading letters, or just sitting and being intimidating.” “Tia? Who’s Tia?” The door opened and in-walked Princess Luna and I. I looked over to the set of thrones on the other side of the room. A white Alicorn sat in one, and the other one was just empty. “This is my sister, Celestia. She is the other Princess of Equestria.” “Oh, right. You said this was the castle of The Royal Sisters, didn’t you? And... since you’re the Princess of the Night, I can only assume...” “I am the Princess of the Day, and Princess of the Sun.” Celestia said, staring intently at me. What’s her deal? ‘Is that the creature Twilight mentioned? It has to be, right? I can see it has the axe-hammer-thing on its back..’ Celestia thought. I turned to her and bowed. “Greetings, Princess. My name is Trent McClane.” She nodded her head. “Rise, Trent McClane.” “Just Trent is fine.” I said, raising my head. “How are you this evening, Trent?” She asked. “I’m doing okay.” “That’s good. So, how did you arrive in Canterlot?” “Hm.. well, I knocked on the door to a library and some unicorn blasted me into Princess Luna’s.. bedroom.” I caught myself. Had I said ‘Bed’ I doubt it would have ended well. “Hm. Was she purple?” “Yeah.” “So it was you she was talking about.. interesting.” “Yes, Yes. Anyway, back to the tour!” Luna said, turning around. “Now wait a minute.” Celestia said. She stopped. “Yes, Tia?” Luna groaned. “You, Trent.” She said, pointing a hoof at me. “Yes?” I asked. “I ask for you to relinquish any weapons on you.” Celestia demanded. ...what? “Uh... and if I refuse to comply?” I asked. “You will be banished from this realm.” She said all serious. Then giggled. “I’m just kidding. But not about the weapons. Seriously, hoof them over.” “...no..?” “Excuse me?” “Trent, just do it..” Luna whispered. I sighed. I pulled out each weapon. My thunderbolt, my grenade launcher, my rocket launcher, my super nail gun, my normal nail gun, my double barrel, and my shotgun. I... really? Was I really going to do this? “Good, Good. Thank you for complying.” Heck no. “I’m gonna keep this one. It’s sentimental to me. Plus, it doesn’t even work.” I said, grabbing my normal shotgun. A bad lie, but I need to have at least one weapon on me. Call it paranoia, I call it being prepared. Please don’t ask me to prove it. “Prove it.” Fuck! “Uh.. Alright.” What do I do? Should I just unload it? No, that’s too obvious! Then- That’s it! I turned on the safety. Inconspicuously, of course. “Look.” I said, and took aim at her. Her eyes widened. I pulled the trigger. Click! I gotta prove myself some more.. make it seem more convincing. I opened the ammo slot. “It’s fully loaded, as you can see.” I said. I closed the ammo thing and fired again. Click! “Okay, I believe you.” Thank the lord. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I walked with Luna through another hallway. Just the same as the other ones.. “Auntie!” I heard someone say behind me. Turning around, I saw a white unicorn with a blonde mane. They were walking towards us. “Oh, that’s Prince Blueblood. Our nephew.” Luna almost growled out that name, but quickly got ahold of herself. What was that about? “Auntie, do you- oh, hello. Who are you?” He asked me. “My name is Trent McClane. Nice to meet you.” I said. He held out his hoof. Ah, is this some sort of handshake? I grasped his hoof in mine and shook. “My name is Prince Blueblood. It’s nice to meet you as well, Trent McClane.” He said. He then turned back to Luna. “Luna, do you know where Brush is? I’ve been looking for her all morning.” “Brush? Hm.. I think I saw her in the east hall earlier.” Luna replied. “Ah, thank you!” He said, and walked away. Luna flinched. “Still not used to that..” She muttered. “What do you mean?” “Hm? Oh. He used to be.. well, rather insufferable. A spoiled brat. We guess somepony taught him a lesson in manners, heh.” She chuckled slightly. I nodded. Yeah, rich guys. I see it. Glad I met the guy when he had already changed. Probably would’ve punched him in the mouth, and that wouldn’t have gone over well with... The whole world. “So, that’s the majority of the castle. But... it’s time for me to... hit the hay (heh), sadly.” She said. “What? Wait, what’s your sleep schedule? No wait fuck that, what’s your life schedule?” I asked. “Well, I go to sleep at 12:00 PM. I then wake up at 8:00 PM. I raise the moon, and then I go into the dream realm. I exit the dream realm at 5:00 AM, where I then lower my moon.” I count on my fingers. “So that leaves you with.. 7 hours of you time, and 8 hours of sleep. Which means... my schedule is now like that, isn’t it?” “No. You stay awake when I go to sleep or enter the dream realm. Your job is to be my guardian.” “So.. when do I sleep?” “During the me time, or just whenever I’m not sleeping.” She replied. “So that leaves us with no time to spend as friends?” I asked. Damn, I was starting to like her. “You can take days off every other day. I don’t need protection always, after all.” She said, smiling a little bit. Okay, at least she’s fair. Wait, this is hardly fair! Well at least I’m not homeless. That’s a plus.. Right?