//------------------------------// // A Weird Start // Story: Ranger Takes on Equestria // by I aint no damn brownie //------------------------------// ‘The Slipgate Incident’ was an incident that occurred on November 21, 2045. The United States Government was testing a new technology that they had named ‘Slipgates.’ These slipgates were what is commonly known as a ‘Portal’, to use layman’s terms. Capable of teleportation and long distance travel, the slipgate was revolutionary. Then the unthinkable happened. An alternate reality, codenamed ‘The Quake Dimension’ was sending monsters through the slipgates, using their own technology. Supposedly to test the limits of humanity. Operation: Counter-Strike was put into place. 20 soldiers will enter the slipgates and defeat the source of the beasts. 19 soldiers perished. One remained, codenamed ‘Ranger.’ Civilian name: Trent McClane. Ranger fought the monsters, and was able to find the source, and exterminate it. The source had been a being known as Shub-Niggurath. Ranger had emerged victorious. Somewhere on the journey back, Ranger went through an unmarked slipgate, and was never seen again. Or at least, that’s what is speculated. Every year on November 21, Earth honors the brave soldier that saved the human race. “HUAGH!” I breathed out as I jumped. Landing with an ‘OUF’, I continued running. I blasted a limping ogre in the face with my double-barrel. 3 more shots and it went down. I guess I had missed one. I pulled my rocket launcher and rocket-jumped to a higher platform. I picked up a box of nails, and jumped into a nearby slipgate. The first thing I noticed was that I wasn’t in an HP Lovecraft inspired dungeon-castle-environment anymore. I was in a dark forest. I looked up to the sky. It was night time, clearly stated by the presence of the moon. I looked around my environment some more. The trees were surrounding me. Their branches, arcing over me like claws. I heard a howl, and I got a bad feeling. Wherever I was.. it wasn’t safe. I had to get moving. NOW. I turned around. There was.. no return slipgate. Just more forest. Looking around I every direction, I desperately hoped to find it. But I never did. I started running, pulling out my double-barrel for if someone tries something. I jumped over unturned logs, dodged tree branches, and ignored the burning in my legs. I had been running for hours. Or what felt like hours. Run. Don’t stop. Never stop. If you stop, you will die. That’s all that went through my head. I hardly noticed the cuts and lacerations on my arms from the tree branches and rose bushes anymore. I just needed to find somewhere safe. Somewhere away from here. There were many apple trees in the distance. A barn, and a house. An orchard maybe? Whatever! It was shelter! I ran up to the house, and took a breather. I turned around. Roughly six wolves had followed me. All made out of.. wood? One snarled. Shit. I pulled out my double-barrel, and loaded it. One lunged at me and I shot. It’s head was blown to pieces. The other wolves looked at their fallen comrade, and ran with their tail between their legs. A wolf no longer chases it’s prey once it feels like IT will be the prey. “Now what the hay was-“ I heard a person with a southern accent speak before hearing the door open. I turned to face the person, only to see an orange horse with a brown Stetson. A horse? Or maybe it was a pony. It looked too small to be a horse. “W-What in tarnation...” The pony said, backing up slightly. I then recalled that I an covered in blood, and holding a shotgun. I put it away and put up my hands. I also ignored the fact that a horse was talking. I was in an alternate dimension, was I not? It wasn’t as weird as someone with a chainsaw for an arm that could throw grenades. “Hey, I won’t hurt you.” I said softly, trying not to scare her. “I’m just a normal guy.” I said, and took off my helmet, letting my long hair out of its prison. “Y-You’re anythin’ but normal!” She shouted. “W-What are you?!” Ah. They probably didn’t have humans in this universe, did they? “I’m a human. My name is Trent McClane.” I explained. “What’s a human?” “Me.” “Well, yeah. Ya’ know what ah mean!” She huffed. A small smile graced my lips, but I quickly turned serious-man again. “Where is the nearest town?” I asked. I shouldn’t bother this perso- pony by asking if I could stay. She clearly wouldn’t let me. She was terrified. “I-it’s uh.. ‘bout a mile down that way.” She said, pointing in a direction. I looked to where she was pointing and saw a path. Turning back around to thank her, I was greeted with the slamming of a door. “Figures.” I muttered, turning around. I put my helmet back on and began the journey. I looked over my body as I walked. Cuts littered my arms and hands, while my armor was scratched up. None of the cuts were too bad, nothing a little dirt and spit wouldn’t heal. My armor was in great shape considering everything I had just done in the Quake dimension, what with all the explosives. Weapons were all in order and working, and I had plenty of ammo for each. If someone were to try taking over the world at this moment, I would be able to fight. Knock on wood of course. I started to see what looked like an old-timey village in the distance. Roofs made of hay, candle lanterns and all that. Everything had a certain.. aura to it, that I couldn’t place. It reminded me of a cartoon. Like one of those ones where everything is solved through ‘Teamwork and friendship!’ Yeah, nice try, but in the real world, problems are solved through the end of a barrel. Just the way the cookie crumbles, sadly. If I could have befriended Shub-Niggurath instead of exploding her from the inside-out... I probably wouldn’t have. Fuck that. How am I gonna talk with a being hell-bent on torture and destruction? No thanks. After all, the easier solution is to just pull out the good ol’ RPG. Oh, no more time to think. I’m here. I read the welcome sign. Welcome to Ponyville. Population: 2304. Enjoy your time here! Ponyville? Really? In the world of ponies? That’s like naming a place ‘Person-Town.’ Although I don’t doubt that exists. Now let’s see. Is there an inn or hotel nearby? I couldn’t ask a local, as it was night time. I assume everybody has gone to sleep. Speaking of night time: Jesus H. Christ.. the night sky is beautiful. It’s like a painting. Each star dotted in the sky, like the dash of a brush. Constellations littered this sandbox, getting more and more complex the more I looked. I was awestruck. I rubbed my eyes and continued onward. I need to find a map of this place. But where can I look? A library? Or maybe town hall. I looked at the welcome sign on a large tree. Apparently this tree was a building. Awesome! Golden Oaks Library. Well, this is the library. Is it open? The lights are still on. Here’s hoping. I knocked on the door, and waited. I heard the sounds of glass breaking, things crashing, a train horn, a cat meowing, and then the door opened. Standing in the doorway was a lavender pony that had.. wings? And a horn? What the fuck? “Ah! Demon!” It yelled, before something fired from its horn. The voice was feminine so I assumed it was a female. I couldn’t dodge the light in time, and as soon as it hit me, my vision went black. My body compressed and decompressed. It felt like I was being sucked into the tube of a vacuum. Before I could even yell, the feeling ended. I opened my eyes, and saw black. My face was pressed against something. Bringing my face back, I took notice of some things. One! I had been leaning into something furry and black. Two! It was comfortable. Three! My arms were wrapped around it. Four! It was breathing. “Curious... who art thou, and why art thou in our bed?” A voice asked, sounding regal. And intimidating. And old-timey. I looked up, and came face-to-face with another one of those ponies. This one was black, and had a pretty big horn. It had wings too, just like the lavender pony. I immediately let go of her, and shot up. I jumped out of the bed quickly. “Woah woah! Calm thyself. We mean thee no harm. Thou art not in trouble.” The pony quickly explained. I calmed down slightly, but was still on edge. How the hell did I get here in the first place?!? I can understand horse dimension. A faulty slipgate. Happens. But being teleported into someone’s bed! That was not on my ‘List of things I want to happen’ list! And how had she done it?! A spell?! That made sense actually. She was clearly a unicorn, and those were known for magic correct? “Are you well, Subject?” The pony asked again, clearly seeing the anguish and confusion on my face. “S-Subject?” I asked. “It talks!” She smiled slightly. “What... are thee? We don’t think we’ve ever seen something like thou before, in all our years of life.” “Why are you talking like that? Is someone else there?” A noticeable blush came upon her cheeks. “Ah.. n-no. We-I.. am still not used to the dialect of today. But back to the question.. what are th-you?” I weighed my options. Converse with harmless horse lady? Or jump out that window and run for it? We are however many stories up. “I’m a human.” I said. “My name is Trent McClane.” “A.. human. Odd. We’ve never heard of one of those before.” “I get that a lot now, heh. I’m not from this dimension.” I explained. “W-Wow.. dimensional travel? How did thou achieve such a thing?” “Slipgate. It’s technology I don’t want to get into right now. Anyway, my turn! Where am I?” I asked. “Thou art in Canterlot. In the Castle of The Royal Sisters. In o-My living chambers.” “You.. you wouldn’t happen to be..” “My name is Luna. Princess of the Moon, and Princess of the Night.” She said. Oh, shit. “And I was just..” “Cuddling with royalty? Yes, you were.” “Ah, fuck.. I’m not going to the dungeons for that am I?” She gained a surprised look. “Oh, heavens no! It was not intended. No need to punish a mistake.” A weight was lifted off my shoulders that I didn’t know was there. I breathed a sigh of relief. “Yes, Yes. We were just reading a book, and imagine our surprise when bam! Alien creature holding onto us!” She giggled. Ok, she’s adorable. The goth Princess is adorable. What? I know cute when I see it, damn it! Just because I’m a warrior doesn’t mean I hate cute things! Even Flynn had a rabbit! I’m off topic. “Anyhow, dost thou wish for me to send you home?” She asked. “You can do that?” I asked. She can send me back to earth? “Yes! Where dost thou live? Fillydelphia? Coltifornia?” “Uh, Elm Street. Oregon.” I said. “I.. have never heard of such a place.” “Ah. Yeah. That’s the problem! I think I’m stuck in this dimension for a while.” I rubbed my head to try and look innocent, but I remembered my helmet was on. “Let me guess, you need a place to stay?” She smirked. I sighed. “You may stay here, alien. BUT!” She raised her voice. “You are going to work for it. Just because you are in an unfortunate situation, does not mean you will be given special privileges!” Okay. Fair enough. “Alright. What do I gotta do?” She was clearly caught off-guard by that. I guess she didn’t actually have a job to give me. “Hm..” she rubbed her chin with a hoof. “Aha!” She said. I looked into her eyes. “I am going to be entering the land of dreams soon, to watch over our little ponies. Are you a soldier?” “Guess you could say that.” I replied. “Lovely! I have one simple request.” I nodded, urging her to go on. “Protect us as w-I do this. When I go into this state, I am left completely vulnerable.” She lowered her voice. “To be frank, I don’t trust my guards. They’ve never encountered any real conflict, so I worry they’ll run off if anything dangerous actually occurred. You seem like someone who has been through a lot. I can see it in your eyes.” She continued, “You have the eyes of a stallion who has faced the spirit of death, and spit on him.” I looked at her incredulously. Really? I rubbed my eyes. “But.. just so you know.” Her horn lit up, and I felt myself be lifted into the air. “If thou tries anything... we will know.” Her tone grew deep. She then lied down, and instantly fell asleep. I fell to the floor, unceremoniously. I groaned as I stood up. I pulled out my axe, and looked around. ... What the fuck just happened? I... guess I’m defending royalty now. And all this happened in a single night? Good lord.