Scientists are calling it the perhaps the biggest set back ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why a son of a bitch mouse is to blame.
And later, an alarming new study from the Department of Damage Control says that most world ending catastrophes could of been easily caught on camera.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. When I read you the news, I feel invincible.
Well, it was supposed to be a day of celebration, but a huge setback in the field of neuroscience happened at University of Neuroscience.
I am joined by Night Guard/Anon 69 Correspondent, Stella, who has the story, thanks Stella for joining us today.
"Thanks for having me, Anon."
So what happened? Why are these researchers so disappointed?
"Well it all started a few years ago when these neuroscientists began creating a highly intricate Y maze for a mouse subject to go through. By observing the mouse's cognitive processes while going through the maze over a long period of time, the researchers believed they'd be able to make key discoveries that will change the face of neuroscience as we know it."
Sounds like a worthwhile study.
"So they put millions of bits and thousands of work hours into the experiment, spent months of securing funding, learning complex illusion magic. All so they can build a maze that would take weeks, even months for the mouse to finish. But when they began the experiment early today, they didn't get the results they were looking for. Here is the footage of how it went down today."
"Okay. Rat Nest, lead researcher, and today is truly a historic occasion. As we begin a long, long, journey on the road of expanding our knowledge on the pony condition. We worked endlessly for years and today we're about to try out the maze for the first time! And all of this work is finally going to pay off. Here we go. Release the gate."
"Releasing gate."
Sounds of hooves stomping.
"Truly an incredible. . . what the fuck!?"
"He already made his way to the cheese!"
"What in Celestia's name!?"
"He solved it in like, two seconds."
"This took us fucking forever to make and he solved it just like that!?"
"Son of a bitch!"
"Fucking little bastard!"
Sound of cursing continue.
Yikes. Would not want to be on the research team.
"Me too, Anon. This study was supposed to assist in the treatment of lots of neurodegenerative disease. Horn Failure, Permanent Wing Boners, you name it. But now it looks like a dud thanks to this mouse that the researchers are calling it quote, "A Peace of Shit." Here is some more of that footage."
"You little fucker!"
"Its taunting at us, look at it! Its just running back and forth through the maze."
"You asshole! You think you some kind of big hotshot huh? Fuck you!"
"Dear Celestia. . . I worked so hard on this. All those sleepless nights, my wife left me. I haven't spoken to my foals in months. I should of never become a scientist."
Wow, a true tragedy. Thanks for your reporting, Stella.
"Thank you."
In other news, the Equestrian Department of Damage Control released a report earlier this week, which found that the majority of our nations catastrophes could of been easily been caught on camera. Anon 69 Correspondent, Cracker Jack, who has been covering this story joins me now. Thanks for being here Cracker.
"Its great to be here."
Obviously its a tragedy when you hear about a world ending catastrophe has happened that could of been easily filmed but wasn't. Weather it be a dark horse lady trying to make the world enter eternal darkness, or a chaotic god escaped and got chocolate everywhere. But to hear that the majority of catastrophe could of been easily filmed, that's tough to swallow. What can you tell us about this report?
"Well your right, its alarming. According to the new data, over 80% of catastrophes were situations where had somepony been paying a little more attention perhaps, we could of avoided not having cool coverage footage of it all together."
That's a high percentage. And correct me if I'm wrong, earlier data from the Department of Damage Control shows that the number of catastrophes is way up while the footage of these are way down?
"Yeah, its a disturbing trend. So many catastrophes tragically have no surviving footage at all. And their new study may of found out why. I spoke to the Department of Damage Control spokesperson, Demolition Rose, who says the report identified a few common reasons why so many catastrophes go unfinished."
"Screaming and running in random directions while the pony should of been filming is a leading factor in most catastrophes never to be seen by the public. If you see something life threatening happening, don't go screaming, get out your camera, zoom in on the dark mysterious figure, and film.
"Rose says that panicking nearly caused two thirds of catastrophes to go un-filmed. And lack of video can also be caused by pony error. The pony fainting instead of having his or her camera ready. But according to DDC, texting has suppressed the previous leading factor."
And what was that?
"Spontaneously bursting out in a song about how friendship will overpower evil. Here is Rose about it."
"Singing can severely slow reaction time and can impair judgement wich is essential when you need to grab your camera when you see a dark mist approach your city. This is why we have been selling specialized muzzles to keep you from opening your yap and to be ready to film cool as tartarus catastrophes.
Wow, so a lot of things that could of been easily avoided.
"Unfortunately yes. And even if a good citizen does step in to film, its already too late as the Princess of Friendship and her friends already stoped it. I spoke with members of Mothers Against Missing Sweet Fucking Catastrophes or MAMSFC, and they don't seem surprised at the data. One member, Creamy Heart, knows all too well just one moment you can lose everything you thought you had on film.
"I saw the Princess of Friendship fighting a centaur thing then all of the sudden the centaur shoots a beam at the tree library, destroying it. It was absolute carnage.Sniff. But it all happened so fast. Everything was so blurry. The whole film you can barely see because I was rushing and my hoof was over the camera a little bit, I was trying to stop it, you know covering the lens but I guess I hit the wrong button and I-I-I pointed the camera the wrong direction. And I just recorded my face.
Sobbing starts.
Absolutely heart breaking. Cracker, how is the DDC getting word out to help motorists these easily filmable catastrophes?
The DDC will be providing ponies tips and warnings through a new ad campaign called, "Click it or Miss it." Rose says that she hopes that ponies will put this into practice to ensure that they don't miss a golden opportunity to film a catastrophe.
Its scary to think you will be forced into retelling of the catastrophe you experienced instead of putting it up on a projector.
"Yeah, but the truth is, no matter how much you prepare, ponies can't predict when the next catastrophe will occur. And every second counts. So if you stay calm, take a deep breath can remember WMC. Where's My Camera. You should be fine.
Great advice. Its always important to be prepared. Thanks Mr. Jack.
"Your welcome."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
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