//------------------------------// // Hogan Knows Nothing: Part 2 // Story: Schultz Knows Nothing // by JustAnotherHistoryBuff //------------------------------// "Bloody hell, is it me or is this oven taking forever to heat up?" Newkirk said, clearly pissed off. For 10 minutes, him and Le Beau had been waiting for the oven and stove to heat up but so far, nothing happened. "Maybe you turned the knob the wrong way." Le Beau replied, equally pissed off. "I didn't turn it the wrong damn way, look at it! I twisted it bloody counterclockwise and set it on high." "Have you checked the gas?" "Mate, look at the bloody thing! I don't think it even runs on gas." Newkirk said as he pointed out the rather smooth stove top. "You probably broke it you putain de salaud." Le Beau cursed under his breath. "What did you bloody say to me?" "What, I said nothing!" "Don't play funny with me, I know you said something!" Once again, the two "allies" were on the verge of fighting, but instead of Le Beau threatening to shove a spoon up Newkirk's rear, it was Newkirk threatening to string Le Beau up with cheese string and then stick the spoon up HIS rear. The threats went on for a few more minutes until Pinkie Pie finally caught wind of the growing chaos and put herself between the two soldiers. When she finally got them to calm down, she went to the side of the oven and plugged some sort of cord into a wall outlet and suddenly the stove began to heat up. "Wait, miss, did you just plug that in?" Newkirk asked with a hint of surprise in his tone. "YEP!" Pinkie replied. "What does this thing run on then?" Le Beau asked, equally surprised. "Electricity! Don't you guys have that in your world?" Pinkie asked as energetic as ever. "Of course Madame, though we have never seen an electric stove before." "I gotta agree with the Frenchie on that one. How the bloody hell have ye got electric stoves and yet ye don't have any bloody cars?" "Oooh, whats a car?" It was clear that explaining to Pinkie what their world was going to take all their minds off the strudel so they decided to end the conversation then and there. For a while, it was calm until Newkirk had to take over for Le Beau. Little did the Frenchman know what the Brit would do. *** *** *** Carter was about halfway through the story before the door to the library literally burst wide open so hard that the hinges nearly broke off. As fast as it opened flew in a certain rainbow maned pony. By the look on her face, it was clear she was in a worried mood. "Twilight! I need you to come look at this, Sugarcube Corner is on fire!" She yelled. It only took her a few seconds to realize who else was present in the room before she came to her senses. "Yeah Rainbow, that is what we are discussing at the moment." Twilight replied, clearly annoyed by the disruption. "Alright, which one of you bucking creatures bur..." Before she could finish her sentence, Applejack put her hoof up to Rainbows face and then dragged her down to the floor after shutting the door behind her. As far as she knew, nobody needed to know that the humans were here. "Alright, now that we all know the bakery burnt down, can Carter here finish the story?" Hogan asked. "Wait, what story?" Rainbow questioned. "Just follow along Rainbow." Twilight said. *** *** *** While Newkirk and Le Beau were attempting to finish the Strudel filling, Schultz and Kinch were busy conversing with each other about life before the war and their own relationships. Turns out when Schultz is not busy not seeing something, he can be quite an intelligent and even more philosophical man. Now, even though Colonel Hogan was quite intelligent, Kinch found more in Schultz as both men were more in common than they knew Meanwhile amidst all of the chaos, Carter and Pinkie Pie were going at it like a couple that just met and were asking each other about their hobbies and careers. "So, what got you into baking Pinkie?" "Well, I used to live on a rock farm and it was reeeeaaallllly boring but I found my passion in candy and parties so I moved out and landed myself in Ponyville! Soon, I finally managed to get a job here at this place and I have enjoyed it ever since!" "Seems like you got your dream to come true." Carter said rather cynically. "What's the matter Carter? Did you have a hobby?" "Well, yeah I did. See, I like chemistry a while lot and back in my old town, I owned a pharmacy. God, living in Muncie was great. Back then in the Midwest, you could climb trees, swim in lakes, explore the wilderness, the whole world was your backyard!" "What happened to your old life then Carter?" With this question, Carter's head drooped town at the floor. "Well, it is kinda hard to explain, but basically the war came along and I decided to join the army and serve my country. A little while after my first few missions, I was finally shot down and captured. That's how I ended up in Stalag 13 and met the guys." "Aw, at least you got to make friends!" With this comment, Carter looked back at the bickering English and Frenchman and the philosophical African American and German. "Yeah... I guess I did." He said with a slight grin on his face. At this point, this was the most calm that the kitchen was to ever experience, and that was all about to change thanks to a clumsy move. Le Beau had finally finished the filling and as he and Newkirk finally set the pan into the oven, it happened. "Uh, Le Beau?" Newkirk asked quite nervously. "Can it wait Newkirk? I am trying to figure out how this oven works" Le Beau nonchalantly says. "Le Beau, look at the bloody oven?" "Can it...." "For gods sake look at the bloody oven!" Newkirk yelled. Now he was fuming. "WHAT? WHAT IS WRO..." Le Beau cut his sentence off when he saw the inside of the oven smoking. "WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE! TAKE IT OUT NOW!" Le Beau yelled. By this point, he had the spoon in his hand. "YOU PUT THE BLOODY SPOON DOWN RIGHT NOW BEFORE I TAKE IT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR RUDDY ASS! "WHY YOU..." As Le Beau lifted the spoon high above his head, Newkirk was one step ahead and managed to grab a few pans and through it at the angry Frenchman, knocking him down. He cursed as he fell back on his back and by that time, Carter was making his way towards Newkirk's behind along with Schultz and Kinch. "OW! THAT HURT NEWKIRK!" Le Beau yelled. After a few seconds, Le Beau finally got back up on his feet but before he could do anything, he began to smell smoke and suddenly found himself outside the bakery. A few seconds later, he found himself outside with everyone else. Within seconds, what seemed to be the kitchen annex of the gingerbread building caught fire and Le Beau found himself eyeballing Newkirk. "What the hell are you looking at me for? I tried to bloody warn you so don't blame me." Newkirk said with a hint of annoyance. "Espèce d'idiot, tu aurais dû m'avertir!" Le Beau yelled. By now, his temper had reached it's breaking point and he lunged over towards Newkirk, spoon in hand. Surprisingly enough while all that was happening, Pinkie managed to pull some popcorn out of her mane and she shared it with Carter, Kinch, and Schultz as they watched the fight while they waited for the fire department to show up. For a while, it was quite amusing seeing the Frenchman and Englishman try to through punches at each other. They only intervened when Le Beau managed to pin Newkirk down and was about to actually stick the spoon up Newkirk's ass. Hogan, while all of that was occurring, was sitting down on a nearby bench (which was a bit small for him) with his head down in his hand, clearly pissed off on how such a thing could happen. But enough of that, now back to the present. *** *** *** "Carter, that was actually underwhelming." Hogan said, still mad about all that he heard. "Well, I can't lie to you Colonel. If I were to..." Hogan shot him a glare which shut Carter up. "Alright, at least we know what happened. Question is, what the hell do we do now? There is no way in hell those two are staying together while we are here." Kinch said. Hogan could not help but nod to his second in command. As much as Hogan liked to be in-charge, sometimes he needed Kinch to just take over for him, even if it meant saying his words. "What say you Miss Twilight?" Kinch asked, facing towards Twilight. "I... um... well, I really don't want to separate you all right now before the Princesses come and help sort your situation out, but I don't see any other choice." She said nervously. Looks like the day was gonna be even longer, but at least Hogan knew what happened. "Kinch?" "Yeah Colonel?" "Remind me to get Klink to fireproof the barracks if we ever get back." "You got it Colonel."