//------------------------------// // Celestia is a well adjusted adult who just ODed, now the other three need to figure out what the fuck to do about that // Story: Celestia and Luna are Well-Adjusted Adults // by garatheauthor //------------------------------// Three princesses loomed over Princess Celestia’s body, staring down at her with a mixture of sorrow and remorse. Twilight and Cadance both sniffed back tears, their makeup ruined by the misery of this dreaded moment, while Luna stood by the side with a cold, hard reverence.  Celestia was lifeless. Her tongue was lolled out of her mouth and her eyes, left wide open, stared vacantly at nothing. Nopony alive would have found the ceiling in this part of the castle that fascinating. “This looks bad,” Twilight whispered before prodding Celestia. Obviously, she didn’t move. “How did this even happen?” One of the doctors in attendance sniffled back her own tears before flipping through her charts. “It looks like she suffered from a massive brain hemorrhage after snorting a mixture of cocaine and ketamine.” “That was her favourite.” Luna sadly shook her head. “It’s how she would’ve liked to go.” Cadance quivered, fighting back the tide of tears that threatened to overwhelm her. “What are we going to do? She was…” A rogue sniffle. “She was irreplaceable.” Twilight drew up to Cadance’s side, resting a hoof on her withers. “We’ll think of something.” “Of course.” Cadance drew in a shaky breath, her expression suddenly turning eerily calm. “So, which one of us is going to replace her?” Luna frowned. “I thought you just said she was irreplaceable?” “Well, I mean obviously she is, but I mean, come on, one of us needs to fill her horseshoes.” “Can’t we at least wait until the body gets cold before we start trying to pry them off,” Twilight murmured. “There will be time for talking about this later.” Luna nodded. “Twilight’s right. We need to mourn for my beloved sister. We can worry about the structure of our government after the funeral.” Luna shook her head. “Plus, obviously it should be me that takes over her mantle.” “You!” Cadance snorted. “Why you?” “I mean, I am her sister and also the second-highest ranking alicorn in these lands.” Luna shrugged. “It kind of feels like the natural choice.” Cadance stepped forward, trying her best to maintain a cheery smile, though the cracks were very obviously starting to form. “And I am an empress, I think it’s only natural that I begin to…” She motioned with her hooves, “consolidate the relationship between our two realms.” Twilight tried to step between them. “Girls?” The magic of two potent alicorns promptly shoved her aside. She skidded to a halt next to Celestia’s cold, clammy body… and the puddle of fluids that encircled it. The one that Twilight had no doubt was piss, but was also desperately trying to tell herself wasn’t, as she scrambled to her hooves to avoid it. Luna laughed. “You? Your realm is but a petty client state on the fringes of Equestria, whose chief exports are cheap gemstones and venereal diseases.” “I do what I need to do to keep that godsdamn horn dog of a heart alive,” Cadance snarled before throwing her nose up to the roof. “Plus, if I’m not mistaken, I have the longer reign since your first should not be included into such considerations of leadership.” Luna took a menacing step towards her. “And why should that be?” “Because, according to the vote of this triumvirate, we are stripping you of it. Why should a reign marked by civil conflict and bloodshed against Celestia be accounted for when trying to decide on her replacement?” Cadance lifted her hoof. “Isn’t that right, Twilight? You agree with me.” Twilight froze. “Uh…” Cadance smirked. “Either vote for this decision or I tell the Equestrian public about all those freaky little kinks you disclosed to me.” Twilight tensed. Luna snorted. “Twilight… same threat but I will include the kinks that you only think about in your dreams.” “Come on Twilight, I can give you that harem you crave,” Cadance chided. “And if we remove Cadance, no one will stop you from claiming Shining as your own,” Luna said. Cadance’s gaze snapped to Luna. “Wait, what?” Twilight stepped back and grinned sheepishly. “Maybe we could investigate the possibility of forming some kind of power-sharing agreement. Maybe we could rotate leadership every couple of months. I know there are certain mountain tribes that do that.” “Well, if Twilight is going to sit on the fence, I can only think of one way to resolve this,” Cadance said, turning to leave. “And what’s that?” Luna asked, cocking a brow. Cadance sprinted towards the door. “I’m mobilizing my guard!” Luna blinked and then chased after her. “You bitch! Not if I mobilize mine first!” Shrill laughter followed Cadance. “Good luck with that, I’m fucking half of them anyways.” “YOU WHORE!” Twilight looked at the door and then back at Celestia’s lifeless body. She trotted over to the princess and plucked the crown from her head, holding it in front of herself. There was a key on the back, which she snapped free before settling the crown upon her own mane. She then trotted over to a bureau, unlocking it with the key. Inside were all sorts of papers and ancient artifacts.  “Idiots,” Twilight murmured before pulling out the Elements of Harmony. Once she counted the complete set, she moved towards the door, leaving the room behind. The doctors in attendance looked nervously between one another before also promptly leaving, just kind of letting Celestia remain there, motionless. Celestia continued to lie there for a few more minutes before her eyes fluttered and she snapped them shut, letting out a pained groan as she placed a hoof to her fragile skull. “Fucking me,” she groaned. “What the hell did I do last night?”