Much ado about Ponies
"So now he's probably sticking his big ol zebrafrian pecker into your star pupil somewhere in sweet apple acres, while all of the elements of harmony gradually become the elements of stoner," Luna laughed before Celestia passed the water pipe back to her.
"Oh ha ha," Celestia sneered as her sister took a massive hit, "and I bet he's telling them all how big of a slut his auntie is too."
Luna burst out laughing, the ganja smoke escaping from her lungs as she began to cough and laugh at the same time. A servant ran into the room, "Your highnesses mass chaos has been unleashed in Manehattan, a crowd of ponies has taken to the streets and is destroying everything in sight."
"Eh just giveith them some of this," Luna laughed as she tossed over a fat sack of herb, "the sticky will make any pony calm."
"And super hungry," Celestia added, "good Faust wasn't breakfast supposed to be served like an hour ago?"
"Your breakfast was served three hours ago and is currently room temperature with a likelihood of microbial growth by this point," the servant retorted, "I mean seriously princess the world is crashing down around you and here you are smoking herbs and hanging out."
"Blah blah blah blasé," Luna responded, "thou are looking to haveith thy flanks kicked by the most powerful beings in Equestria?"
"NO BUT THERE ARE THINGS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN AN ASS KICKING FOR ME TO WORRY ABOUT," the servant screamed disrespectfully back, "MY FAMILY IS IN MANEHATTAN AND THERE IS A MOB DESTROYING THE CITY!"
"Oh crap Luna he's serious," Celestia stared at the servant, "I think we should do something, but in the meantime fix me some damn breakfast, because I can't put down a revolt all hungry and stuff."
The servant screamed and left the room uttering curses.
=======
In the orchard of Sweet Apple Acres, Hadrian and Twilight were making their way to finally get Hadrian some more herb. He had been sober for nearly half an hour now and albeit that it was not really a big deal, Hadrian couldn't help but feel somewhat grumpy, especially since Twilight was still baked from earlier and they had already walked 7 miles in a single day. So as he continued to stroll through the apple trees with his head down, trying to ignore Twilight's constant talking, an arrow whizzed past his head and landed just above it in the tree trunk behind him, after going straight through an apple.
"See Rainbow Dash, I told you that I could do that from a hundred yards with pinpoint accuracy," Rarity smiled as she lowered her bow, "every pony should have more than one talent darling." Hadrian stared in disbelief for a moment, an archer who could hit a target with perfect accuracy and timing is not something you see every day. "How about twenty bits says I can hit a small mark on the barn 300 yards away while going through another one of those apples you keep throwing."
"Whatever Rarity, archery is only kinda cool," Rainbow Dash sneered back, "and taking my last 10 bits was anything but."
"Actually the odds of you hitting that exact shot, even with your skill level are 347,098:1" Hadrian interjected, "and if I don't get that herb soon my mind will overpower, nopony should know statistics that well."
"Umm yeah, that was almost the weirdest thing I've seen all day," Dash smirked as she hid her own herb bag behind her back, "you are a total egghead and I really don't know what these mares see in ya."
"Actually he's quite charming," Rarity laughed, "and possibly foalish enough to wager me."
Dash flew forward and left a tiny chalk circle on the side of the barn, and picked an apple off of the top branch of an apple tree. Hadrian threw down twenty bits and watched as Rarity inhaled slowly, pulling back her bow, and exhaling right before firing her weapon at the same time Rainbow Dash dropped an apple from directly in front of the barn. The arrow sliced through the top of Dash's apple and stuck the bottom part of the small target, not a perfect shot but far from sloppy.
"Oh damn it all," Rarity said sounding very unladylike in the process, "I fouled that one all up. I bet it's this bucking herb I have been smoking nonstop since that night in Hadrian's carriage."
"But you hit the target from just over 300 yards away with nearly pinpoint accuracy, "Hadrian shouted in disbelief," how you can call that fouled up when it was literally less than 3 inches away from perfection."
"Darling what I fear you may never understand is that with me it is perfection or nothing," Rarity smiled as she spoke, "in fact the only male who understands me is that lovely Spike. Tell me Twilight has he said anything about me to you lately."
"Ugh that dragon doesn't shut up about you," Twilight laughed, "are you two a couple now or is it some dumb crap again?"
"Darling a lady never reveals her personal business," Rarity smiled, leaning over to whisper into Twilight's ear, "I am actually trying to set him up with Sweetie Belle."
"I bet I know what you're whispering about," scoffed Rainbow Dash, "it's so creepy that Rarity wants to do a dragon."
"Wait, a dragon!" Hadrian couldn't believe his ears, "how is that even possible, aren't dragons physically imposing and capable of doing horrible things to ponies. I have heard of mares liking the dangerous type, but that is ridiculous!"
"No you just haven't met Spike yet," Twilight smiled.
"Ok then Prince Egghead," Rainbow Dash jested the prince, "me and Rarity have some catching up to do still so how about you and miss goody four shoes over there let us be."
"Fine then, I need to get some more herb anyway," Hadrian scoffed, "I am actually having incredibly complex thoughts and need to smoke something soon before I become completely unstable."
Rainbow Dash watched the pair leave before pulling out her joint. "Boy I'm just glad we didn't have to share this with them, I paid way too much for this Sweet Applicious Kush to have to share it with nerds."
"Oh Rainbow how come you share with anypony except for if your herb is on the line," Rarity asked as she snatched the joint out of her companion's mouth and light it up with her magic, "that is except for when you can't light up these spliffs by yourself."
=======
In a cold, desolate fortress in the vast Everfree forest, the exiled Lord Solaris waited for death's cold embrace. He had started a civil war in Equestria, vying for power with the financial backing of the Canterlot elites some hundred and fifty years ago. Now, the two hundred year old alicorn had absolutely nothing, his power less than that of his second cousin Celestia, his supporters had all left, and his right front leg was a cheaply made prosthetic. But for Solaris there was one last hope, the hope that the Cult of the New Pony Order had manifested a spell powerful enough that his rise would be imminent.
"Hey loser you have a visitor!" one of the guards called out to the lord as an earthen wearing a deep crimson hood walked into the castle. He was in his late thirties, with a tan coat and a black mane, a few streaks of grey hairs adorning it. The guards stepped back outside, allowing Solaris privacy with his visitor.
"Filthy Rich," Solaris smiled as one of the cult's leaders walked through the door, "I am ever so grateful for this visit."
"This is no ordinary visit, for the last days of Celestia's reign are upon us," Filthy replied as he took off the hood on his crimson cloak. "Cupiditas et Maledicam Chaos has been set into motion. All ponies who are not under the influence of the herb are beginning to riot and revolt, harming each other and themselves in the process. It is really quite the site to behold."
"So I have been told," Solaris stated as he walked over to a window and stared out at the dense forest full of horrible monsters, "and yet I have never actually witnessed the carnage for myself. Your cult and I have the same goal, revenge upon Celestia and her loved ones for their family's evil. Tyranticus, her grandfather, killed my great great great great grandfather (his brother and co-ruler) in a play to consolidate all the powers of the Equestrian crown under the rule of one pony. His actions afterwards caused the downward spiral of ponykind, and the eventual rise of Discord. Celestia has been quite a vicious ruler in her own right, and deserves to die for her family's sins."
"Well actually I am in this cult for the same reasons the rest of the Equestrian elites are," Filthy responded with a grin, "with you on the throne we will no longer have to ensure that the poor are cared for, we will no longer have to be treated as equals with the common day laborer. My great grandfather allied himself with you purely for personal gain, and when his airship crashed the day of your fight with Celestia, his premature death has cemented the resolve of both his descendants and those of the rest of the elites to ensure our will be done."
"Such actions will only benefit you and harm the average pony, but I agree as always for the goal of revenge against that horrible Celestia," Solaris stared at his fake leg, a painful reminder of how much he hated his cousin.
"And by the way," Filthy continued, "the original gold prosthetic you made is on display at a museum whose owner just so happens to be one of our members. In the midst of the chaos in Manehattan he has snatched it up for you. Once Discord is freed from his slumber, we will come for you Solaris, and the leg will be in our possession."
"That is wonderful," the old alicorn replied as he reached out to hug the earthen standing in front of him, "you are truly a stallion your great grandfather would have been proud of."
=======
In Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight and the prince made their way out of the orchard, completely unaware of the problem they would soon have to face. They came upon the humble farmhouse of the Apple family, finding a rare break had been scheduled. Apple Jack, Apple Bloom, Macintosh, and a visiting relative, Uncle Orange, a commodities trader from Manehatten, all sat around in a circle doing (you guessed it) nothing but smoking on a fat blunt and having what appeared to be a freestyle cypher.
"My name is Mister Orange, I'm related by marriage, I rolled up in a Bentley, one horse power carriage, got twenty four inch rims, and a system in the trunk, balled it up through college, yeah I can still dunk." The uncle rapped with seeming ease, albeit the rest of his relatives just scoffed as he continued to try his best.
"Just stop Uncle Orange, or I should say Uncle Tom, don't disrespect Cuz Apple Jack's the bomb. I got no love like antidisestablishmentarianism, my rhymes take their own life force call it an organism. AJ, I don't play, fuck you up like Dre Day, yall try to rhyme again and I'll be glad to say that shit's gay." Apple Jack smoothly dissed her uncle, watching as he angrily hogged the weed and tried to calm his nerves.
"Wait, you guys smoke weed?!" Twilight exclaimed as she walked up to the circle, watching as Apple Jack tried to hide the blunt in panic. "Even Apple Bloom?"
"Eeyup," Macintosh replied, "and if yuh narc on us it will be the last thing you ever do Sparkle. I still aint forgave yuh for giving my Sister love poison spells and encouraging her to drug her teacher and I."
"Shit Mac you and I both know that she was just renting a library book, I couldn't deny her a learning experience." Twilight's ears flopped back and she began to lose her buzz as she slowly backed away from the group.
"Wait, did she just say Mac, as in Mackintastic?" Hadrian stepped forward with a look of shock on his face, "I thought you made millions as one of the premier hoof hop all-stars of Canterlot. What the Tartarus are you doing out on some farm in Ponyville."
"You!" he got up and stared the prince down, "you ended my career with that rap battle. Don't think I don't know you without that disguise, I can tell it's you Grand Creator."
"You have me mistaken, I am Prince Hadrian, son of…" Hadrian was cut short
"Oh really?" Macintosh rudely interrupted, "and you never disguised yourself to buy weed when sneaking out of Celestia's castle. You never went to the Canterlot Inn's open mic challenge with a blue vest and a pair of matching blue sunglasses. And you never defeated anyone in a rap battle?"
"No Macintosh," Twilight tried to step forward and calmly speak, "he would never go out of the castle except disguised as a pegasus to smoke his herb on clouds."
"Actually he is right," Hadrian confessed, "I was trained in the art of freestyle rapping by none other than Chuck D. Xebrah. Beating one of Equestria's best was hard, but I did it." All the members of the Apple family stood with their mouths hanging open, they couldn't believe their ears. Chuck D. Xebrah was the first rapper to bring the hoof hop music to Equestria after the fall of the Zebra kingdom. His styles were legendary in the rap community of Equestria, artists like DJ Pon3 and Sprinkles Wallace had made it known from the beginning that their styles were influenced by his work. Macintastic was completely speechless for a moment. "But I did not come here to spit verses, I came here to purchase a quantity of your cheapest herb."
"Aint nopony here sellin kush!" Apple Jack shouted before twitching her eyes and clinching her jaw shut.
"Pinkie told me to say raspberries," Hadrian stated, "now I only have 1500 bits and I am in dire need of some of your herb so as to avoid the Mass Chaos spell which has been unleashed upon this unsuspecting kingdom. The fate of the free world may rely on your product."
Everyone waited for Macintosh to respond. Twilight Sparkle took a seat near Apple Jack and quietly asked who Chuck D. Xebrah was, receiving a hoof to the back of the head. Macintosh stared down the somewhat smaller stallion, unsure whether or not to trust him. "I will make you a deal," Macintosh stated as his frown slowly turned into a grin, "you beat me right here, completely sober, in a standard Bucklin style rap battle, and I will give you a full pound of kush for that 1500 bits. If you lose, you are to leave this farm, and never come back. Do we have an agreement?"
"Sounds like a plan," Hadrian stated as Twilight nervously stared at the stallion. "House goes first."
"Ok then, hit me with that Doggie Fresh beat-box Apple Bloom," Macintosh stated, hearing his sister create a beat with nothing but her lips and hooves. A beat so fresh he had to take a moment and get the feel for it, allowing his signature fast flow to take control.
"Macintastic, my style never drastic, my rhymes so fast you thinkin I gone spastic
Flow like a genius with a foot long penis, smoked kush since I was twelve if you know what I mean it's
Kinda funny getting dissed by a bastard, my style better than your master, this is a disaster
So don't choke little bitch you in too deep now, and if you back out I'll hit you with that Shaolin style"
The rest of the Apple family took a moment to shout out the word "damn" in unison as Twilight held her hoof up to her face in shame.
"You spoiled, a sad little rich colt who never knew toils, I do so much work it would make your blood boil
So never underestimate little bitch ass pony, I cook you up and eat you like some buckin rice-a-roni
I'm raw like the apples I kick off these trees, I strike in a second so don't even tease
The mass murderin mare slayer, no matter the city I have always been a player
But you hung like a sturgeon, I bet you a virgin, I cut a pony up like an old timey surgeon
In Appleoosa they hate you, Canterlot hates you, even with the power mares don't want to date you
So take your fuckin wealth and that casual wear, go back to the zebras cuz none of us care
If you live or die since your life is a lie, and we Apples spit the truth so don't even deny."
Macintosh's quick bars seemed enough to leave a normal pony stunned, his every word lingering on the edge of Twilight's ears as if she knew what would happen. "Choke, choke, choke," chanted Apple Jack and Uncle Orange as they tried to make the Zebrafarian prince nervous about his situation. Hadrian just stood there, a grin on his face as he listened to the beat box for a moment before opening his muzzle. His flow proved to be equally fast and even more potent.
"I'm the Grand Creator, there can be no imitators, ever since I was four I been fuckin up haters
Your flow is sad and weak, I can't just turn the other cheek, and since you been talkin shit it's my turn to speak
I love my mom's subjects, I see them as equals, but if I slit your neck there can be no more sequels
No come back for the great Mac now riddle me that
How the hell are you fantastic if you lookin so wack
I spit sick shit like the flu, who the fuck is you, a washed up has been I aint beat in a year or two
You say your raw like an apple, but ponies eat apples, I can chew you up son and then take a nice craple
My rhymes might be improvised from time to time, but your shit has gone sour like liquor and lime"
"Is he doing good?" Twilight whispered to Apple Jack as the orange farmer pony stared with her jaw completely slack.
"Too darn good if ya ask me," Apple Jack whispered back, "I aint seen nopony rip Macintosh a new asshole like this before, it's pretty entertaining."
"And the burn aint the liquor, my colt that's chlamydia
That's from fuckin every slut from here to Numidia
You think you hot shit on a silver platter, take away the hot and silver and all you gettin is laughter
I'm a zebrafarian so I love peace, but I'll drop bombs on a pony like we in the Middle East
The old school craze has come and gone, so update your style or move the hell on
So you thought you could diss me, you thought I turned wack, well guess what Mac, the Grand Creator strikes back."
Apple Bloom stopped her beat boxing, looking down at her flank to find that she still hadn't gotten the fresh beat cutie mark. She groaned in disgust as everypony else just sat, surprised at the fact that the Prince had just beaten Macintosh in a rap battle based on his superior flow. Once again, Hadrian had proven that his skills in battles were superior to those of the farm pony's.
"Well shit," Macintosh finally broke the silence, "Ah guess yuh went and fucked me up yet again. Let me grab that weed for yuh."
"Wait Mac," Hadrian stated as he put his front hoof on the larger pony's shoulder, "I was only dissing you because I enjoy rap battles. You have put out some amazing songs and just battle rapping has nothing that can compare to the status you hold in the rap community. Please don't take this the wrong way."
"Eeyup," Macintosh replied, "I aint gonna sit here and talk shit about cha kid, I got an apple farm to run." He walked into the barn and came back with a large bag filled to the brim with the sweetest, stickiest, icky to ever come off of the Apple's farm. He rolled up a blunt before passing the bag to Hadrian.
Hadrian tossed the other rapping pony his bag of bits, glad to ensure that he upheld his end of the bargain. "Have you thought of changing your stage name to Mack the ripper?" Hadrian suggested, "I know that Mackintastic was probably given to you by your peers, but every rapper needs to reinvent themselves from time to time. I mean seriously, DJ Pon3 used to be Doctor Pondiddy, sometimes change isn't a bad thing."
"Dualy noted, but never compare Mackintastic to Doctor Pondiddy, I swear I will end yuh next time if yuh do," Macintosh stated as he sparked up the blunt, the first of many.
=======
Several hours of rapping and about five blunts later, Hadrian, Twilight, Apple Jack, and Macintosh headed to Pinkie Pie's party. The now incredibly loopy Twilight Sparkle continued her horrible raps as Apple Jack and Hadrian continued to egg her on. Macintosh was less then pleased by her mediocrity, but just ignored it and kept walking.
Upon arrival at Sugar Cube Corner, they knew that the party in question was indeed a surprise party by the lack of streamers and outlandish decorations. Rainbow Dash was a pony of simple tastes, known for celebrating her birthday with nothing more than a day off of work and some time with her friends. She enjoyed nothing more than a nap in the sun, and being treated to lunch. After spending the day just hanging out with the now significantly cooler Rarity, the element of Loyalty was thoroughly pleased to just know that Pinkie had invited her over for pizza, blunts, and horror movies.
"So I'm guessing Rainbow Dash is a pretty humble pony," Hadrian stated after Apple Jack had taken a moment to explain the situation.
"Oh boy you'd sure be mistaken," Apple Jack chortled, "she is a gloatin, showboatin, overly competitive mare if there ever was one. She has too much confidence, but in all honesty Ah think that sometimes she's a perfect example of humility. The pony is a true friend; she just likes to show off too damn much."
"Well I could tell she was a bit of a blowhard earlier," Hadrian said as Apple Jack seemed to hang on his every word, "but I don't judge ponies on trivial things like that."
"Psh so you never judged me negatively even when I was treating you like a traitor," Twilight grinned at the prince with her eyes squinting nearly shut, even in the fading light.
"After all my mother has said of you, I could never view you in a negative light, even if you passed out drunk with your muzzle in the toilet." Hadrian watched as Twilight's smile grew and her eyes seemed to light up with joy before adding, "Mom really does think of you as one of the family."
"Well I'm not sure about Twilight, but I might just get drunk enough to pass out by the toilet tonight," Macintosh softly stated as the rest of the group giggled at his comment, "hell this is Rainbow Dash's birthday, no one stays sober at events like this."
Pinkie Pie ran outside to give hugs all around, smooching Hadrian directly on the lips and earning an angry stare from Twilight. "I'm super-duper excited that all of you came," Pinkie spoke a mile a minute bouncing up and down in joy, "we actually booked DJ Pon3 and well obviously Macintastic decided to come. We have so many drinks, and we might end up with five hundred guests tonight. It's five bits to cover the pizzas, pastries, and drinks drinks drinks."
"Pinkie how many guests have shown up already?" Twilight began to worry.
"Oh only about seventy or so," Pinkie stated with glee, "and I know for a fact that two hundred others RSVP'd. Are you guys ready to party?"
"Eeyup," Big Macintosh grinned.
"Yer darn tootin," Apple Jack stated with glee.
"Buck to the yeah," Hadrian tried to match Pinkie's enthusiasm.
"Well kinda I guess," Twilight nervously replied, "but don't you think you are taking this a little bit too far?"
"You can't take a birthday celebration too far silly filly," Pinkie grinned as she gave Twilight a massive noogie, "this is for Rainbow Dash and the Cakes have turned the entire basement into this awesome club setup just for this occasion. This is going to be the best night ever."