//------------------------------// // Chapter 5 // Story: Science, Steam, and Beer // by mines5 //------------------------------// Chapter 5 Back in Ponyville, Spike waited nervously in the hallway at the hospital. Twilight had been acting strangely, and he was worried about her. The Doctor came out of the exam room, checking Twilight’s medical records. Spike got up from his seat quickly. “How is she, Doc? Did they slip her LSD or something?” The pony frowned. “What’s that?” Spike shrugged. “I have no idea, but I heard those three ponies talking about it.” The pony shrugged. “I think your friend just needs some rest. She looks kind of strained.” The dragon nodded. “Things have been kind of weird around here lately. Were there a lot of injuries to take care of from the demon invasion?” “What do you think I am, a medical doctor?” the stallion asked. “Never mind, I don’t have time for this.” He walked away and disappeared into a blue rectangular box. Spike entered the room. It troubled him that a pony with an hourglass cutie mark didn’t have time for something, but that was how crazy things had gotten since the gates of Tartarus had been thrown open. Twilight was sitting on the exam table, a vacant look in her eyes. “Twilight, are you okay?” Spike asked. The mare didn’t respond for a few seconds before her eyes blinked. Her irises focused again and she tilted her head in Spike’s direction. She just stared at him blankly for a few moments, and it creeped the dragon out. Still staring at him, Twilight open her mouth and spoke. “Why is there a phone booth in the hospital?” “I have no idea,” Spike replied, “Do you have any idea who that doctor was?” “I feel like I’ve seen him before, but I can’t be sure where,” said Twilight, moving her stare around the room and talking to herself, “He feels so familiar, but why is that?” “I dunno, but did he help you with your little episode?” asked Spike. “I certainly feel more sane now, as to how though, I’ll never know.” Twilight shrugged. ▲ ▲ ▲ Meanwhile, in Hell: “Maybe we should have communion before we fight every single demon in this place,” suggested Valiant. “I’ll get the grape juice and crackers.” “Grape juice?” demanded Guinness. The earth pony rolled his eyes. “Oh, you’re one of those wine snob Christians, aren’t you?” “We don’t have time for this,” said Nova, pointing to the demonic being in front of them, “If you’d like to have this discussion, then have it another time. We have work to do.” The other two ponies just stared at him for a few moments before looking back at said monster. The demon was not very terrifying when you first looked at him. He was just a black three dimensional silhouette of a pony. But the longer you stared, the more you felt cold, helpless and terrified. “I want to go home now,” squeaked Guinness. “Maybe let Rainbow Dash hold me while I cry myself to sleep.” Valiant wanted to make a smart comment about beastiality, but the growing horror in his chest prevented him. “My name is Lightless Silhouette, Knower of All Fears and Bringer of Terror and Tears,” announced the demon. “Nice title,” Valiant tried to say sarcastically but all that came out was a squeaky croak of words. They could not see any mouth on the monster but the three ponies could tell that it smiled. “I know your fears,” he stated. “What causes you to panic, and the things that keep you up at night as the shadow creep along your walls. I know all that hides in the dark places of your mind that you try so hard to push away and forget. I can also make you relive them.” “This is...no, stop. This is all impossible,” Nova insisted. “Is it?” asked the black pony. “Are you sure you don’t feel...that?” The yellow unicorn jumped backwards as if physically injured. From the expression on his face the others could tell that a painful memory had formed in his mind. “No! Stop this right now, or I’ll get angry! You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. I always back up my rage with facts and documented resources.” “What are you, the Credible Hulk?” demanded Guinness. Valiant laughed, and suddenly all three stallions were free of the demon’s spell. The so-called Lightless Silhouette, Knower of All Fears and Bringer of Terror and Tears vanished. “Damn,” muttered the earth pony. “I can’t believe something Pinkie said actually makes sense. ‘Giggle at the Ghosties’ indeed.” “Why don’t we agree to never speak about this again?” suggested the pegasus. “Fine with me,” said the unicorn. “I might talk about it if I get drunk enough,” Valiant stated. “You’d say anything when you’re drunk,” Guinness stated flatly. “And you would say anything while sober,” Valiant retorted. “Pardon me,” Nova said quietly, but the two other ponies didn’t notice. “At least I am not an ass who ties people to giant mousetraps as bait!” Guinness screamed. “I’m not the one who wants to get it on with a pony,” spat Valiant . “Stop!” Nova yelled. “What?” the two arguing ponies chorused. Nova pointed to the horde of monsters and demons forming in before them. In the front stood the flaming-on-fire pony, an angry yet elegant expression on his face. “What do we do now, historical tactics expert?” Valiant asked sarcastically. “Lets fight fire with fire!” Guinness replied. Valiant grinned and moved his robot forward. “Good thing I installed flamethrowers!” The epic battle that commenced was about the most awesome thing the universe had ever seen. As this is a text-based medium, you - the reader - will have to image the visage of carnage that was eagerly and dutifully doled out by our triforce of displaced humans. The magically, pyromaniacally, enabled battlebots cut a wide swath through the crowd of foul Tartarus denizens. Shrieks and shouts filled the air as bodies bounced off the walls and ceilings of the chamber. Flamethrowers were liberally applied, and napalm flowed like a flood. “Shake ‘n bake!” screamed Valiant, fire-punching a demon in the face. “Smokin’!” agreed Guinness, knocking over a crowd of monsters and dousing them with flame. “This is a very pleasurable experience that I hope to repeat someday,” noted Nova. The other two stallions looked at him, shrugged, and resumed kicking ass. As things began to wind down, the flaming, now really on fire pony fled, dodging piles of broken crispy limbs that had accumulated across the floor of the chamber. “Was that really the whole Army of Hell?” asked Nova. “No idea,” commented Guinness. “I kind of expected there to be more damned than that.” “Goddammit,” muttered Valiant. “What?” The other stallions followed his gaze and noticed a massive winged beast with a bulbous head and tentacle beard slowly lumbering towards them from down the widest hall. “Holy shit!” shouted Guinness. “Is that Cthulhu?” “The Lovecraftian horror?” asked Nova. Valiant shrugged. “I’m not convinced.” “What kind of convincing do you need?” demanded Guinness. “Just look!” “We don’t know what Cthulhu looks like,” countered the orange pony. “It could be his girlfriend for all we know.” Nova nodded. “We shouldn’t jump to conclusions.” Guinness looked at the monster then piped up, “Cthulha?” “That works, I guess,” said Valiant. “Rather than debate identity and naming conventions, why don’t we focus on killing it,” suggested Nova. The three ponies looked up at the horrible and horribly gigantic creature as it advanced on them. Nova glanced at Guinness. “Ideas, historical expert?” The blue pegasus shrugged. “There’s nothing in the history books about this.” Valiant thought for a moment. “Hmm, a giant creature versus robots...” Guinness snapped his head around to look at the earth pony. “Did you build these things with Megazord functionality?” “No, but that’s an awesome idea,” said Valiant. “Here, stand on my shoulders.” After a few mishaps regarding the interpretation of the orange pony’s words, the three robots were stacked vertically in a teetering pile. “This is unsafe!” shouted Guinness, leaning out the cockpit of his robot to look at the ground far below. “I could fall!” “Suck it up, you’ve got wings!” Valiant shouted at him from the bottom. Between the two, Nova was trying his best to hold the improvised conglomeration together, and not succeeding very well. The three robots swayed back and forth, barely avoiding the giant creature as it came closer. “Guys,” Guinness said nervously as the monster loomed over them. “How is this going to increase our fighting skills and chances for survival?” “Shut up and do something desperate right now!” Valiant snapped. “Prepare to be consumed!” The monster growled. “Yeah...no.” Guinness, from his position near the ceiling of the chamber reached up and started to tear down clumps of rock. “See you in Hell, bitch!” Cthulha, or whatever its name was, looked up just as the roof of the tunnel came crashing down with a thunderous roar. When the dust settled, the stallions pulled themselves from the rubble. The robots had been pulverized beneath the avalanche. Valiant grumbled something unpleasant about combat survivability. He looked up at a thin beam of light piercing the darkness, pointing a hoof at it with excitement. “Freedom!” Guinness cheered. “I would like to return to the surface now,” agreed Nova. The three of them began climbing the mound of rocks. “Victory party incoming,” Valiant mumbled to himself. “Three, two one...” Celestia appeared before them, a wide smile on her face. “The hell?” Guinness shrieked as he and Nova jumped back, preparing for a fight. “Congratulations you three in saving Equestria from a terrible evil,” the Princess spoke to the three tired and confused stallions. “We shall have a day of celebration in your honor at the Canterlot Gardens.” “Will there be beer, tall-pony-lady?” Guinness asked. He had yet to meet Celestia and had no idea who she was. “Guinness, this is Celestia.” Valiant took it upon himself to do the introductions. “She and her sister are both the supreme dictators of this little country. Celestia, this is Guinness. He was tied to a giant mousetrap when we spoke last time.” Valiant thought for a moment. “And screw the beer. I want tequila.” “Where did we end up?” asked Nova. The three of them climbed out on top the pile of rubble and through a hole that had formed in a wooden floor. “It’s the Ponyville Library,” said Valiant. The three stallions and the Princess noticed a purple mare staring at them with a look of horror on her face “Hey Twilight,” Valiant exclaimed cheerfully. “We built you a basement!” “It doubles as a portal to Hell,” added Guinness. “I- I don’t-” Twilight stuttered. “Come my student,” Celestia comforted the mentally unstable unicorn. “Do not worry about the damages done. They will fix it later.” “What?” Valiant cried. Celestia quickly continued, “It’s time to celebrate this victory over evil.” Pinkie had never thrown a “Congratulations on Defeating Everything Tartarus Had to Offer Including Cthulhu’s Girlfriend” party before, but she did her best. Decorations were a bit of a problem, however. Celestia wisely decided not to subject the Royal Ballroom to the abuse of such an event, so it had to be held outdoors in Ponyville. “I have no idea how to even decorate for something like this!” complained Rarity. “It’s such a large area, and I don’t know what colors would even complement a celebration of this kind. I mean, who has ever thrown a Tartarus-themed party before?” “I believe I can help you,” announced a fabulous-looking pony who happened to be on fire. ▲ ▲ ▲ “I regret this,” muttered Nova to himself. The unicorn found himself waking up with a pounding headache and in no place he recognized. After a moment, he determined that he was still at the party, however debris and unconscious ponies had littered the place as the celebration carried on overnight. It had, after all, been one hell of a party. Valiant lay nearby, snoring and still fast asleep. Nova poked him and the earth pony slowly awoke. “What?” he demanded. “We should go look for Guinness and determine if he has copulated with that mare yet,” Nova told him. Valiant made a face, but nodded and said, “Or something.”