Unit J-2997 checked his scanner. New Troy had been evacuated but there were still a few life readings in the city- the gate guards, obviously. They wouldn't be a problem. Hopefully, the city still had some supplies and maybe even munitions left while they waited for resupply from Lord Rice. The siege on Bursavis had taken a heavy toll on his forces.
The dog ordered his forces to advance on the city cautiously. Traps were likely, but he knew his fellow canines were still reeling from the sting of defeat. The donkeys at the Bursavis prison complex had repelled his assault, prompting Rice to order Barro to blast the prison from orbit. Despite this, the donkeys had continued fighting, the prison intact even though heavily damaged. The prison guards fought with such surprising ferocity that Unit J-2997 had been forced to retreat after losing the last of his siege weapons.
Their entire army was weary. The setting sun was an unwelcome annoyance on his neck. He was aching, they all were, and he was about ready to order his men to sack the closest inn to repurpose it as a barracks. Unit J-2997 was not the original leader of this detachment of Lord Rice's army. That honor had gone to Unit G-1000, or Carla as she liked to be called, until her service had been ended by a mortar round. Unit J-2997, or Jason, as he was thinking of calling himself now, had taken over and ordered the retreat shortly after that.
He wasn't as cautious as his superiors, one of the reasons he hadn't been chosen for command initially. Still, he was pretty good at leading his fellow dogs, knowing them and what they would do, what they could do. Maybe, if Carla was still leading or one of the others, they would have been more cautious, more careful about allowing his troops to disperse so quickly into town. Maybe they would have been more hesitant, a little more wary of all the open spaces, of the rapid disassembly of ranks. Maybe one of them would have known to watch out for snipers. Maybe.
Unit J-2997 never saw, heard, and only barely felt the shot that went right through his head. The last thing he felt was the itchy irritation of the sun on his neck, and after that, he never felt anything again.
"Good shooting, sir."
"Thank you, Reginald. That one next to him- can you get that one? Thank you, Reginald."
"Of course, sir." The two gentries continued firing at the various dog soldiers, sniping one after the other along with Chris. Redfield took the bulk of the confirmed hits between the trio, but it was all in good sport, so they didn't really keep track.
"Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd here they come," Dan said. "Like ants to the slaughter."
"Well, they're coming to slaughter US, specifically, Dan," Phoenix pointed out. "I take it now is the time we need to start launching your 'homemade napalm' at them?"
Dan shook his head, a smug grin on his face. "We won't be launching anything today, Nicky."
"So why did you have us make this terrible concoction of yours, hmmm?" Doctor Whooves demanded. A stern look from both Dan and Phoenix reminded him to calm himself. "Obviously you must have a plan in place. Yes, yes, we went over it, but you DID leave out the specifics so...?"
Dan's smile had not diminished. "Watch and learn, doco. Watch and learn." He unbuckled his pants.
"Oh gawd," said Phoenix.
"Not again," said Cap.
"OH YES AGAIN," announced Dan, as he positioned himself just so and bent over the side of the wall. "GET A LOAD OF THIS, PUPPIES! FIRST ONE HERE GETS TO GIVE IT A GREAT BIG KISS!!"
Once again, Dan exposed his backside to an evil, tyrannical, high-technical army and dared them to attack. Naturally, they did, and would have done so even if he hadn't given them the dangling ham. With the snipers still firing at them, they would have already attacked the wall, but with Dan literally shouting and mooning them, they abandoned cover and charged at headlong at his taunts. And right into more sniper fire.
Dogs were easily agitated. They were easily annoyed, as Rarity could attest. And Rice's metal hounds, despite better-equipped and disciplined than the average mutt, were not above giving into their baser instincts.
"YES, YES, TAKE IT ALL IN! I CAN BEAT YOU ALL WITH MY PANTS DOWN, HAHAHAHA!" None of this was unexpected. Neither Dan nor anyone else was surprised by this, except maybe the dogs who were racing each other and gunfire to be the first to soot Dan in the ass. But what came next was very unexpected.
Phoenix grinned. "How about two for one?" And the lawyer pulled down his pants.
"No," said Doctor Whooves.
"YES!!" exclaimed Dan.
"I think it's about time I... turned the other cheek!!" And Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney, exposed his behind to the evil invaders down below, right next to Dan.
"This... this has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen in my entire life. It would be as if Churchill pulled down his trousers and told Britain to moon the bombers during the blitz," Doctor Whooves said.
Cap took a moment, then shrugged. "You know, he probably wouldn't have really been serious, but thinking about it... that's a pretty Churchill-style thing to do."
The Doctor spun to him. "And how exactly would you know that?"
"I met Winston Churchill. During World War 2."
"Right, right, I realize I just answered my own question again, thank you."
"Yeah but can I ask you something, doctor?" Steve asked, a grin of his own forming on his face.
"What is it?"
"Would you mind holding my belt?"
"I'm beginning to hate humanity."
Three moons over New Troy, one might have called it.
"Make that four," Redfield announced. "Don't mind if I butt in."
Four moons over New Troy, one might have called it. The four men laughed, joked, hooted and hollered as the dogs came ever closer. Some fired at them, with no hope of hitting them from down below. With the stretch of New Troy being so large, it was quite a while before they finally made it to the wall itself. But of course, with the dogs' own advanced hearing and vision from their high-tech helmets, they were able to see all of Dan, too much of Dan, too much of all four humans before they made it halfway through the city.
"Is this some sort of strange human custom?" Lucid asked.
Doctor Whooves started shaking his head but then said, "Yes, Lucid. Yes it is."
"HaHAHA! HAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHA!" Dan laughed like mad. "I wanna see the looks on their faces! OH dear gawd I hope somebody's recording this, because THIS moment is a good one, THIS IS- Oh crap." Dan fell off the wall. "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" but stopped quickly.
The human rose back up and stopped screaming. "AAAAaaaa-I knew you were going to do that."
"Please put your pants back on, Dan," Rarity said. "You've made your point." The other humans, all three a tad red in the face for more than one reason, re-affixed their lower garments.
Still in midair, Dan folded his arms. "This is all a careful part of my strategy, Rarity. If I need to go pantless, I will."
Rarity dropped him immediately.
"AGH!"
"Fine. Don't expect me to pick you up again if you're not... fully-clothed," she said.
"You know you would," Dan said. She rolled her eyes.
Meanwhile, the dogs had reached the gate. A few grappling hooks managed to latch on to the top of the wall.
"Gentlemen, it is time for the next phase of my brilliant plan. Make sure your belts are fastened because we're releasing the napalm!"