//------------------------------//
// Ch. 4 :: The Garden 
// Story: Truth or Dare 
// by Tirimsil 
//------------------------------//

Pinkie thought it was just precious how Rainbow Dash had giggled and snorted.

Maybe Twilight thought so too, but the story was only in Twilight's head for the first three chapters so nobody will ever know. See, the author decided, hey, let's be in the head of the question-asker for each round! So now it was Pinkie's head's turn and she was really mad about how the brony fandom had perverted bananas. Maybe Twilight was thinking something like, On my turn they'll make me eat someone's boogers, or some other totally unrealistic thing like that, and that made sense because bananas tasted a lot better than boogers (or at least every-flavor banana beans tasted better than booger beans), even though they both started with B, but then so did broccoli and broccoli beans tasted awful. Broccoli tasted okay but it gave you gas.

Pinkie wondered when lunch break was. Then she remembered there was still a story to tell, one so important the author pulled it and edited it and resubmitted it again to tell it more betterly - so, with great difficulty, the Ponk turned her oh-so-evasive attention back to the game.

"Gosh," Twilight beamed. "I'm so happy that this has been so comfortable for everyone so far!"

"Speak for yourself," Dash groaned, her face still sunk in her pillow. It must have smelled quite nice. Like bananas. "Pinkie better have something good."

Pinkie pouted. She didn't have something good. She had the gitchy feelin'. That's what grannies called it. Granny Pie called it that, Granny Smith called it that, and now Pinkie would be calling it that until she was a granny too. Would Pinkie be a granny? She'd have to have kids and they'd have to have kids to be a granny. Pinkie preferred to think about food and not about kids. She would probably name her kids after kinds of cheese. She'd call her daughter Cream Cheese -- wait, her mom was a Pie, she'd be Cream Pie. Wait no, bronies. She would not be named Cream Pie.

"Oh shucks, that's right," Applejack grinned across the room. Her freckles made her look like a big banana cupcake. She was so happy, probably because in the last chapter she got to be awful to Rainbow Dash, but it was a friendly kind of awful. "This round oughta be me at Pinkie's mercy, yeah? Hope she don't tickle me," she chuckled.

Pinkie wasn't gonna tickle her because --

"Pinkie's legally restricted from tickling anypony," Dash mumbled. Luna nodded. Yep, that was the problem. Did you know Equestria actually has a fun police?

Pinkie narrowed her eyes and pointed a hoof at her eyes and then at Applejack's eyes, prompting a chuckle from her. Eyes. Pinkie herself then fell into a giggle fit. Her poker face was terrible. Poker was gambling and gambling was bad. She'd had a big fight with Maud about it once. Maud's poker face was flawless. Especially the eyes.

"A'ight, hit me," the palomino (Pinkie hoped that was the right word) provoked her. "Truth." She narrowed her eyes.

Luna looked at Pinkie funny. Her eyes were all bright. She must've been expecting something.

Dash finally poked her head back up. "You always -- Pinkie, stop staring at me."

"I'm trying to figure out what to think about your eyes," Pinkie explained, still staring.

"W... what?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Anyway, Applejack, you always pick Truth."

Fluttershy giggled. "I'm not surprised... This is Applejack we're talking about..."

But Applejack shook her head. "Not always! Gosh. I mean, sure, I got me a reputation 'n' all, but I pick them Dares sometimes on 'count of I ain't no coward neither! Sweet sun 'n' moon. I'll do Dare next time."

Applejack chose Dare 7.8% of the time if neither Rarity nor Rainbow Dash was playing. If one was, it was 11%. If both were, it was 16%. Pinkie never said anything about this because Twilight would ask for more stats. Pinkie and Twilight had a complex friendship where they loved each other but did not love each other's big mouths.

"Lookin' forward to it," Dash retorted.

"Anyhow, c'mon, Pinkie, give me what ya got." Applejack challenged.

She would, thanks! She will show you the gitchy as heck thing she has got.

Concentrating, Pinkie reached for a card, and also [REDACTED]. This was a trade secret that can't be posted in print, except that it made a drumroll start. The girls jumped, except Luna, who tilted her head and examined her closely.

Too late! Pinkie had already slipped two cards into the deck. She was pretty sure she put them in the right spots because she had [REDACTED]. This was also a trade secret that can't be printed. She rubbed the card at the front, and acted like she was reading it with psychic powers. Haha! No! She had no idea what it said! Otherwise it'd be obvious she had rigged the deck. Duh.

She drew like she was swiping a credit card, except up. Pinkie was also legally barred from having a credit card. She held it really super high up like she was gonna let a lightning bolt hit it, but they were indoors so tubby chance. Because she had [REDACTED] - the first one, not the second, still a trade secret - confetti and streamers exploded out from the card box.

Twilight stared with her mouth open. "I don't understand how you get everything you touch to --"

"SILENCE!!!" Pinkie shrieked, and Twilight ducked into her pillow. Oops, she didn't mean to scare her. She would give her a nose honk and a lollipop later. Pinkie tilted up her head and took a posh accent. "The card, madams, shall now be read." Funny accents always made people laugh, that's the only reason Applejack stayed in the show for nine years. Then she took a deep inhale, puffing her face up like a frog. She was so gonna copy everybody's abilities.

Ten seconds passed. Nope, nothing copied. Darn, Princess Pinkie would've been a trip. The girls fidgeted and looked at each other.

She spat out her breath with a wheezing cough and instantly, very sincerely and calmly, asked: "What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you in public?"

Pinkie was able to do that because she had the second-bestest lungs. Only Fluttershy's were better, and she was a champ swimmer. Pinkie had just done another funny thing, where they think you'll be funny but you're not funny which actually makes it funny. A novice might not understand. She set the card at the back of the box and folded her hooves in front of her, patiently waiting.

Luna looked back at Applejack, who started sweating. Was it hot? Pinkie didn't think it was hot. If it was hot, Pinkie would know. She was the tubbiest one here. Remember when she thought tubby chance? The F-word is taboosies when Pinkie is in the room.

"Right, so, uh," Applejack started, and Pinkie got a muscle twitch in her left elbow. This was not the gitchy feeling - it was the Impending Applejack Moment feeling. That was when Applejack tried to get out of something without having to lie or break any promises. Under the circumstances, Pinkie swiftly concluded that Applejack would ask for a technical definition of the word "public".

Applejack cleared her throat. "C-can ya define --"

Pinkie cut her off at a million words a minute. "You were outside of any private residence and not on any property of Sweet Apple Acres and at least one creature who is normally able to talk and who was neither a member of your household nor one of the girls in this room nor Spike saw you and it was really, really, really, really embarrassing!"

"Aw horseapples," Applejack conceded, caught. She looked both ways and saw Rainbow Dash, who had totally changed from the humiliated and pathetic creature of yesterround. Yeppers, she was all sass now. Dashie was on her side, one hoof on her hip, grinning at Applejack like she was laying on her piano and about to sing about how she was too good for any stallion. Just needed the red dress. Oooh, and maybe put that glitter back on! It was all over the floor and somepony (or probably somedeer) would have a heck of a time cleaning it up.

"And just what are you smilin' about, missy," Applejack started - then her pupils shrank and her hooves went to her face like that one movie with the kid and the burglars. "Luna's beard y'all know what it is."

Luna's beard? Luna didn't have a beard. Luna was frowning and feeling at her chin, though. Was she considering growing a beard?

Rainbow Dash looked away with that little frowny mouth thing that usually meant somepony was being all facetious and stuff. "I might have been there, if it's the one I think..."

Applejack's face turned bright red. Like an apple! Haha, she's already one of those. She sighed. "The real kick in th' shin is th' rest of ya are gonna need me ta explain this..." She looked all around everywhere other than at the other girls, then closed her eyes and swallowed.

Pinkie couldn't wait to hear this!! It was probably really funny!!

"I... kinda... got caught... relievin' myself in th' middle o' town."



ERROR 403
PONY NOT AUTHORIZED TO ACCESS THIS FORM OF HUMOR
CRITICAL SHUTDOWN IMMINENT






We must forgive Pinkie Pie for abruptly terminating her colorful commentary. At this exact point in time, her unstoppable, hyperactive mind abruptly screeched to a halt, like a freight train hitting the brakes - so we must return to our standard narration. Fortunately, as she has told us herself, we are still privy to her thoughts and experiences, even if, thankfully, she is no longer quite able to hijack their recitation. (In respect for her we will withhold her "trade secrets", but we would like to know how she got into the studio.)

There were few things Pinkie Pie did not joke about. Few things Pinkie Pie did not talk about, at great length. Most of these were topics that were not suitable for foals, perhaps the tamest of these being alcohol. But most of all, Pinkie Pie, being an earth pony, knew very well how extremely unfunny it is when an earth pony in particular needs to go to the bathroom.

The Princess - who was technically one-third earth pony - seemed to understand as well, as she visibly paled at the revelation, her eagerness gone. Pinkie dimly, in the last vestiges of her long-questionable sanity, recognized that the Princess was desperate not to spoil the party and would undoubtedly stay quiet for the rest of the round.

By all means, a unicorn's magic and a pegasus's wings required a healthy intake of energy... but their bodies were light and efficient, and an average earth pony ate two to three times as much as an average pegasus. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were not average. Apple Bloom had once claimed that Pinkie alone consumed a tenth of Ponyville's crop output and Pinkie had believed her. In fact, she was still not quite sure about the truth of the matter. She could ask Applejack, but to be quite honest, Pinkie could not handle the truth.

Rainbow Dash, a petite little pegasus and historical light eater, did not seem to understand the issue. Even Fluttershy ("O-oh my..!!!") had the decency to blush and cover her face with her wings, in sympathy if nothing else. The quiet yellow mare kept dozens of animals in the home, after all. Out of all the pegasuseses in the world, she most of all shouldn't want to even think about this business once she thoroughly disinfected herself and stepped out of her door.

But Rainbow Dash clapped her hooves and made an incomprehensible noise something like "GA-HAWK!" This may have meant something lewd in some language, but in Ponish it meant nothing, though it was interpreted as delight.

"Oh not this story again!" Rarity protested in her unique mix of growling and whining. Rarity was a lady through and through, and Pinkie knew that Applejack had used her bathroom at least once. Rarity insisted now that Applejack "go" before coming over and never fed her while she was there.

Rainbow Dash went quiet and trembled. The reason became apparent swiftly in the final moments of Pinkie's consciousness. "Pffff... Pfffhaha, they saw her takin' a dump!" she announced, to ensure everyone was on the same page.

And so Pinkie, who had been quiet, wide-eyed, and scowling since she had left the position of narrator, rolled back her eyes and fainted. Fortunately, she was sitting on a pillow 1.5 times her size.





Her pillow smelled like flowers.

When she opened her eyes again, she was in a great spacious garden, and found she could not move. There were seven patches of bare, soft soil interrupting the field of green grass. She stood in the center of one; bizarre creatures stood upon each of the others, flailing their petals around and yelling.

"I-it ain't funny, Rhododendron!" a rafflesia shouted. She had a cowboy hat awkwardly balanced on her highest petal. Visible plumes of tawny smoke wafted from her entire form. Her big round green eyes narrowed; she was very embarrassed, but converting it all to mad. "Y'all were there, you were mortified too, 'n' heck, it were yer fault!"

"Whaaaat?!" the rhododendron next to her retorted, a leaf to her chest and her amethyst eyes wide in faux indignation. She was lots of colors. "Hoooow in Equeeestria was it myyy faaault?!"

Something cleared its throat. Turning her head to the right, Pinkie saw a petunia, the nerdiest flower she could produce. "F-forgive me, Raffleyuck, for being me and questioning a detail, but um." She waited a beat. "I distinctly recall that Stinkleaf Garden features an outhouse..."

Raffleyuck growled, and the petunia wilted. "It's the durnedest thing, we sure do, 'n' we had one then, but the whooper were all backed up 'n' Granny was messin' with it 'n' I thought I could wait!"

Pinkie turned to the rose on her left. She had purple petals and a white stem. The white stem was turning green.

Raffleyuck continued. "Just had ta run a few errands in town, thass all, my dumb self said! Thing'd be clear when I got back, if not, I'd just go in a bush!"

The rose started to gag. Across from her, a beautiful datura, black-and-blue, held her leaves to her face and looked unwell. Pinkie was surprised she knew what a datura was. Actually, she wasn't sure she knew what a datura was.

"'n' then more errands got put on top o' that 'n' then some," Raffleyuck rambled on. "Befer I could get m' bearin's th' day done up 'n' run away from me, and wouldn't ya know, I just had ta honk like Tirek!"

The rose's eyes bugged out. The datura blinked with an open mouth, processing that and looking pale.

"Now I didn't want ta bother nopony and go through all this explainin' to borrow their restroom, 'cause my insides were tellin' me naw, girl, this can't wait, 'n' they'd remember th' stink fer weeks!" Raffleyuck rationalized. "So's I thought I could go outdoors while ain't nopony around, 'n' just found a spot away from pryin' eyes, whole ton o' foliage, real stealthy-like. Yep, that's what I thought, and I woulda got away with it too."

The stink-flower shot a look at her technicolor neighbor. "But just who should show up ta bother me but our good friend Rhodo Awful-Timin' Dendron."

"I thought it was Danger," the petunia commented irrelevantly.

Rhododendron waved her off. "I have many middle names. That's why it's Rhododendron for short."

"That ain't the point ya goofs," Raffleyuck shut them down, "By any damn name she's th' only other flower in Petalburg half as loud as Clown Carnation!"

Pinkie looked all around, then switched her dream to the third-person camera so she could see herself. She was a carnation colored like a clownfish. One of her petals was colored in purple-and-black tiles with the word "ERROR" in red.

"Thanks to that, a good baker's dozen o' folks done showed up ta have a look-see... and I reckon they didn't see too much, but I was in a bush..." Raffleyuck looked down and got quieter. "How many sentences did it take ya ta figger it out, Dendron?"

Rhododendron, suddenly asked to think, took a moment to react. "I think three." She began to count her leaf blades. "it was 'Hey Raffleyuck... Somethin' wrong... What's that awful smell.'  Yep, three."

Raffleyuck covered her face with her hat, blushing. The datura covered her face with her leaves.

"Now, you might be wondering how and why I just so happened to approach Raffleyuck at this critical moment," Rhododendron teased.

"Not really," The rose mumbled through an improvised hood made by tugging her petals around her face.

"I could go on about the Petalburg weather team and the town's 100th anniversary and how these two things related to the need for an authentic pre-Sunflower Rafflesia clan trebuchet..." Rhododendron began. "But basically I was gonna ask her a favor. Too bad that 1. I suddenly found myself indebted to her by, uh, compromising her discretion and 2. I wanted to get the heck out of there like immediately."

The petunia swallowed. "I um, I presume someone must have eventually, you know."

Raffleyuck tugged her hat down to stare over the brim. Rhododendron blinked at her, too.

The petunia pressed her lips together and mimed placing something into a doggy bag and zipping it. Raffleyuck went back behind the hat.

"Oh, yeah," Rhododendron said, and started to get the giggles again. "Th-th... They thought it was from a monster..!"

"They weren't wrong," Raffleyuck said, muffled by her hat.

"Right! Well." The petunia vanished into her soil, came back up next to Pinkie, and leaned over her. "That was a very exciting round, thank you two for sharing." She began gently rousing the Ponk awake.

Pinkie's heavy eyes opened, looking up at Twilight leaning over her, concerned. "... A... are we done talking about poop," Pinkie croaked.

"Yes, sweetheart." Twilight consoled her.

"Good," the candy pony said.

"Much obliged," the apple pony added.

"It was... most enlightening," the tall pony offered.

"Only flowers like poop," Pinkie mumbled.

"No one is perfect," Rarity said weakly.

"Can literally anyone else please take their turn?" Twilight lamented.