//------------------------------// // Chapter 4: Duck Duck Goose // Story: Inscape // by Kwakerjak //------------------------------// “.... This will ensure that the transition will be accepted with a minimum of fuss from the general population,” Twilight Sparkle said as she concluded the first section of her proposal. Everything seemed to have gone well; at the very least, none of the ponies in her audience appeared to be angry with her, which was quite encouraging. She had been worried that the Princesses in particular would feel insulted that she thought them incapable of properly governing the ponies of Equestria, but it seemed like they were taking the points she had made seriously. Still, this reception wasn’t the primary reason for Twilight’s optimism. No, her hopefulness stemmed from the fact that her plan to bore Pinkie Pie to sleep had gone off without a hitch—she hadn’t even needed to trigger the drowsiness enchantment she’d placed on the normally hyperactive pony’s chair that morning. Admittedly, it wasn’t exactly playing fair, but Pinkie was the one pony who possessed both the intellect and the knowledge to effectively challenge her claims about the potential benefits of this new branch of magic, and this issue was just too important to take any sort of risks in that regard. “Now,” the unicorn said with the most authoritative voice she could muster, “I am ready to take your questions.” She scanned the table and stopped at the first raised hoof she saw. “Yes, Rainbow Dash?” The pegasus coughed politely and took a sip from her glass of water. She then slammed the glass against the table, shattering it into dozens of shards as she pounded her hooves on the table. “That has got to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” * * * * * Oddly enough, the Nightmare didn’t really look all that different from the last time Pinkie had seen her, in the ruins of Old Canterlot. She had the same black coat, the same sparkly, translucent blue mane, and the same silver helmet as Nightmare Moon. In fact, the only thing that seemed to be different was her cutie mark: instead of depicting the moon on a starry splotch covering her hip, it showed a black circle that somehow had a white glow, and there was no unusually-colored patch on the coat surrounding it. Of course, the earth pony had precious little time to dwell on this, as The Nightmare had used her magic to levitate the pony that had so rudely violated her personal space to eye level, giving Pinkie Pie a clear view of her scowl. “Well, this is an unpleasant surprise. I set my trap for a princess, and lo! I catch a peasant!” She squinted her eyes tighter together as her suspicion increased. “What are you doing here?” “Uh... I’m just an ordinary memory. There’s... something you need to see, back in the Residential District.” “Do not waste my time with such foalish games!” the black alicorn (or alicorn-shaped thing) roared. “The reminiscences of Twilight Sparkle go out of their way to avoid admitting that they are memories in conversation, in accordance with her preference that they remain ‘in character.’ More to the point, you are so saturated with the Element of Laughter that the mere act of suspending you is giving me a mild case of nausea! No, you are the true Pinkie Pie, and I shall have my answer from you: What are you doing here?” “Uh, well, I’m kind of here to... um, stop you, I guess.” There didn’t seem to be much point in claiming otherwise. “And who else is with you?” “Nopony. I came by myself.” “Balderdash! The Princesses know what I’m capable of, and they’d never send a mere earth pony to face me alone.” “Hey! I’m no ‘mere’ earth pony. I used to live here.” “Don’t change the subject! Who else is with you?” “I told you, it’s just me—” “Who else is with you?!” Pinkie Pie sighed in exasperation. “Star Swirl the Bearded.” “Do not jest with me. He’s been dead for centuries.” “Yeah, well, you obviously didn’t want the truth, so I made something up.” At this point, logic dictated that the earth pony probably should have been more fearful of her safety, but she was too busy feeling irritated to give logic the time of day. The Nightmare’s eyes widened; apparently, something about her captive’s demeanor had convinced her that she’d been telling the truth. “This is... preposterous! I am the Nightmare! I’ve convinced the Element of Magic to defect! How can they just... dismiss me as a threat?!” As the rant continued, Pinkie Pie noticed that the magical aura around the Nightmare’s horn had started wavering in intensity, and as it did, it seemed that the “stickiness” of her bonds waxed and waned in tandem. The earth pony smiled, if only because there now appeared to be a way out of her predicament: good old-fashioned distraction, in the form of some conversation. “You’ll never get away with this!” In stories, that was always a good way to get the bad guy talking. “Do you even know what I’m trying to get away with?” The Nightmare asked with a sneer. “Um... taking over Equestria... so you can get Luna’s notes, or something.” The sneer morphed into a smirk. “And why, pray tell, would I want Luna’s notes?” “Uh...” This is not how Pinkie had thought the conversation would go. “I dunno. You... want Twilight to make you your own body, maybe?” The Nightmare’s body quivered for a few seconds before she erupted in full-throated laughter. “You blockheaded simpleton! You really believe this was all about some thousand-year-old research? I shared a mind with Luna for an entire millennium! I not only know the contents of her notes, I know what she left out of them. And before you attempt some feeble attempt at indignation, you should know that I have already informed Twilight Sparkle of their details, so any accusations to her of hypocrisy on my part shall fall on deaf ears.” “But why did Twilight ask the Princesses for help?” “Because she needed to see for herself that they wouldn’t be willing to provide it, unlike me. The only reason we aren’t in power now is because Celestia was willing to humor her student by pretending to take her offer seriously. No matter—once the Princesses reject her, all that obnoxious hero worship should cease to be an obstacle.” “Wait... you’re expecting Twilight to fail?” “Of course I am! At the end of the day, Twilight is still threatening to use violence, and for some bizarre reason, as far as Celestia is concerned, that invalidates her student’s entire argument! I only assented to this travesty because the Princesses were short-sighted enough to let Twilight Sparkle keep the Element of Magic.” “But... if that’s the case, wouldn’t it make more sense to be nice to the Princesses so they’d be willing to help Twilight make you a body?” “I do not need anypony to make me a body!” the Nightmare shouted in what Pinkie Pie now recognized as the Royal Canterlot Voice. “I have better things in mind,” she added darkly. * * * * * The other committee members had eventually gotten Rainbow Dash to calm down, although she was still glowering at Twilight Sparkle. Rather than make some snarky comment, the unicorn decided that the most diplomatic solution was to pretend that the outburst hadn’t happened. “Yes, Shining Armor.” Her brother leaned forward, thoughtfully bringing a hoof to his chin. “Well, Twilight, it seems that you’ve put a lot of thought into maintaining domestic order, but what about foreign affairs? A lot of Equestria’s treaties are in the form of contracts with Princess Celestia, and I know that more than a few parties would jump at the chance to declare them void because she’s no longer a head of government, even if she remains a head of state. How do you plan on dealing with them?” That one had Twilight stumped—she really hadn’t thought about how she’d deal with the rest of the world. “Er... that would have to be dealt with on a case-by-case basis, of course, so unless you give me specific examples, I doubt I could give you an adequate response. That being said....” * * * * * Pinkie Pie was now thoroughly confused. Better things? What could that mean? Something wasn’t adding up, and whatever it was was likely to remain un-added as long as she continued to be levitated in front of an angry... whatever-it-was. Since talking about the Princesses seemed to be the best approach to weakening the Nightmare’s concentration so far, she decided to push the matter farther. “Which one were you expecting?” “Excuse me?” “You said you were trying to trap a princess. Which one did you think was going to show up? I mean, both of them are kind of busy talking to Twilight right now.” “Humph. It matters not which one arrives—I have contingency plans in place for either.” “Like what?” “You do not truly believe that I would tell you, do you?” “Eh, it was worth a shot. Still, I don’t know why you expected one of them to show up now. That seems kind of silly to me.” The Nightmare sighed, apparently deciding to humor her captive. “Once Twilight’s efforts failed, the only way they would have to ‘save’ her would be to enter her mind themselves. Luna knows a spell that will allow a pony to enter another’s dreams, but that requires the subject to be asleep—or so I thought. Apparently, she’s modified the spell so that it works even when the subject’s awake, though I still don’t know how you entered through the Dreamfields without me noticing.” “She didn’t do anything and I didn’t come in through the Dreamfields. I did it myself.” “What? But... you’re an earth pony! You and Twilight determined that conclusively!” “Yeah, but I’ve still got lots of imaginary friend powers, too; I just normally keep them locked away so I don’t use them by accident. Twilight didn’t learn that because you were too busy making her obsessed with how I got out of her head.” “But... you... I... how....” The Nightmare was really getting flustered, and it seemed that her magical grip was slipping. It was time for Pinkie to make her move. Gathering up all of her willpower, she flung herself into the air, snapping the magical bonds that had held her in front of the Nightmare. She vaulted over her adversary’s head, twisting her body 540° as she did so (because why not?) before landing her hind legs on the Nightmare’s croup. “And she sticks the landing!” “What?! How could you possibly have done that?” the Nightmare exclaimed as she twisted her head around to view the increasingly obnoxious pink monstrosity. “Twilight Sparkle has delegated absolute control to—” The nominal despot’s rant was cut short when Pinkie Pie smooshed a hoof into her muzzle. “I just booped your nose,” she said cheerfully. “Your argument is invalid. Ooh, and your helmet’s pretty, too.” The earth pony reached out, swiftly removed the silver headgear, and before the Nightmare could react, Pinkie Pie had shoved it onto her own noggin. “Hey, guess what? My head’s the same size as yours! Well, that, or my mane is even poofier than I thought—” “Cease this insolence at once!” The force of the Royal Canterlot Voice almost knocked Pinkie Pie back onto the ground. “Hey, didn’t anypony ever teach you to say... please...?” The earth pony’s voice trailed off as she looked at the Nightmare’s uncovered face for the first time. The corners of the black alicorn’s mouth curled up into a smug smile. “Finally, some respect. Now, you shall listen to me, my little pony—hey!” But the earth pony was already galloping back towards the Residential District as fast as she could, with the Nightmare’s helmet still on her head. * * * * * “....then let me put it this way: What will you do if your studies indicate that this new field of magic is, in fact, too dangerous to be useful to the general public?” Twilight breathed deeply. “Well, Rarity, I suppose I’ll have to seal the results and keep information about my findings restricted, since I’d be obligated to maintain public welfare.” “But is that not precisely what you are accusing the Princesses of doing? How can they be unfit to rule Equestria if you would do the same thing were you in their position?” “The context of each action is what is applicable here. In the theoretical example you speak of, I would still have taken my studies as far as they could go, and records would still be available for other ponies to continue my work later, provided that they demonstrate an appropriate level of responsibility. On the other hoof, the Princesses....” * * * * * Gotta get to Twilight.... Gotta get to Twilight.... Gotta get to Twilight.... Pinkie Pie had realized something very important during her conversation with the Nightmare, although she couldn’t quite explain it yet. Still, she was fairly certain that if she could show Twilight what she’d learned, Twilight could easily handle the why. Of course, this task was complicated by the fact that the Nightmare was chasing after her, Tartarus-bent on getting her helmet back. Fortunately, Pinkie had already thought to transform back into Surprise; Twilight had originally made her faster than any pegasus in recorded history, which gave her a top speed that was almost two-thirds that of Rainbow Dash’s.  That said, the Nightmare was no slouch, either, and if she was to pull this off, Pinkie Pie would need much more prep time than her meager (and possibly nonexistent) speed advantage could provide. She needed a diversion—and she knew just what to do. The pegasus rocketed into the center of the Residential District, nearly upsetting Sleepyjack’s apple cart (although Sleepyjack herself continued snoozing). When she reached a large intersection, she stopped and turned around to face the black mare who was closing in on her. The Nightmare landed in front of her with enough force to crack the cobblestones beneath her hooves. “You think the mere presence of bystanders will convince me to forbear my wrath?” “You have four bears?” “What?! No—” The Nightmare cut herself off with an irritated groan. “I shall not fall into these foalish traps of yours. Have you any last words?” “Actually, I do.” The pegasus took a deep breath and shouted at the top of her lungs: “Hey, everypony! It’s the Nightmare’s birthday!” The Nightmare might have responded to this, were it not for the deafening wall of exuberant shouting that materialized as hundreds of Pinkie Pie memories exited their hiding places and swarmed the autocratic mare in the biggest group hug that their real-life counterpart had ever witnessed. “Cease this at once! All memories are to stay inside unless they have official business!” “Duh!” replied a voice from somewhere within the pink mob as a conical cardboard hat was strapped onto the alicorn’s cranium. “And since it’s your birthday, that means that you officially need a party!” To her credit, the Nightmare did attempt to make an irate, cynical reply, but she was drowned out by a series of twenty-one party cannon salutes. Pinkie-Surprise saluted her adversary as her counterparts dragged her away for the impromptu festivities. “Have fun!” Once the Nightmare was out of sight, the pegasus took off and headed into the heart of the Imagination District. As it turned out, Twilight Sparkle had indeed redesigned her creative hub over the years. Before, its design was fairly similar to that of Canterlot’s central marketplace, albeit with fewer stalls and more buildings, but now, everything was decorated with whimsical-looking machines that seemed to be powered by a combination of magic and steam, sort of like the Flim Flam Brothers’ mechanical cider machine thingy. Still, the general layout hadn’t changed, which meant it was no time at all before she’d found her destination, still situated next to a large concert hall: the Art Studio. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take too long to find the supplies she needed. * * * * * “....with minimal changes to the tax code. Yes, Applejack?” “Well, quite frankly, Twi, I’m a bit concerned about whether or not you’re up ta runnin’ Equestria. I mean, sure, you’re great at makin’ sure that everythin’ gets done, but when it comes ta decidin’ just what needs doin’, yer a little hit-or-miss. Remember the time-travel thing? You were so busy runnin’ all over Equestria gettin’ things done, that it never occured to ya that the right thing ta do might be absolutely nothin’ at all. How do ya plan on takin’ care of that?” The unicorn briefly considered quibbling over whether the farmer’s example truly supported the point she was trying to make, but she elected to let it slide. Instead, she nodded sagely as she answered: “While I admit that there might be some rough patches at the beginning, I’m certain that I’ll be able to figure out the rest after some trial-and-error. It’s simply a matter of figuring out how the lessons of the past can apply to situations that may arise in the future.” Applejack, however, wasn’t buying this. “Twi, do y’all really think that smarts are the only thing a pony needs to run Equestria?” “Well, no, but—” “Sounds to me like ya do, because that’s the only reason you’ve mentioned for why you’d do a better job than Celestia an’ Luna. But if just bein’ clever fixed everything, then there’s a certain showmare who would never have gotten her cart smashed under the foot of giant space-bear a while back.” Twilight Sparkle looked nonplussed. “I hardly think I merit that sort of comparison with Trixie.” “You certainly seem to think you’re Great and Powerful, though,” Rainbow Dash muttered almost inaudibly. * * * * * Pinkie Pie hovered in the nave of the Hall of Knowledge, admiring her hoofwork. While in the studio, she’d gotten slightly distracted by a rough draft for an as-yet-undrawn sketch of Spike’s pet phoenix, Peewee, which would doubtless be amazing if Twilight ever found the time to develop the skills needed to accurately translate her mental image to a physical piece of paper. In any case, Pinkie had been forced to simplify her plan a bit, since she couldn’t expect her mnemonic counterparts to hold the Nightmare at bay forever, no matter how awesome their party was—in fact, given that raucous noises from the general direction of the Residential District were no longer filtering into the Hall, it seemed that time was running out. Luckily, there was just one thing left to do: get Twilight’s attention. A quick peek into the Staging Room revealed that the unicorn was still deep in discussion: at that moment, she appeared to be answering a question from Fluttershy, though what ursine chiropractic had to do with taking over Equestria was anypony’s guess. Unfortunately, this meant that Pinkie would have to exercise the “all necessary means” clause to get her friend’s attention, and this time, Twilight Sparkle would find it much more unpleasant. The temporary pegasus sighed as she got ready to make her friend’s presentation rather difficult to finish. She muttered a brief apology to the ceiling, and then she then took off down a row of bookshelves, holding out one of her forelegs so she could easily push all of the contents onto the marble floor. After a dozen or so passes she refocused her attention on the filing cabinets, where most of Twilight’s mental activity seemed to be focused. Pinkie started opening drawers at random, scooping up the contents and flinging them into the air. Soon the hallway floors were a cluttered, disorganized mess. Honestly, it would have been fun, except that Pinkie Pie knew that fastidious librarian would be absolutely furious with her. She made a mental note to offer her assistance in cleaning up the place, assuming that everything turned out the way she hoped it would. * * * * * “....Yes, Princess Luna?” The Princess of the Night absently flipped through the pages of her binder as she asked her question. “I can’t help but notice that you are presuming that our cooperation will be sufficient to get the general populace to accept you as a ruler.” Twilight Sparkle wasn’t quite sure where this was going. “You’re saying it wouldn’t?” “I’m saying that I’m not certain you understand why my sister and I were granted the authority we have in the first place. Because we assumed control of the cycle between day and night, we have a huge effect on agricultural production, which made our cooperation in nearly every large-scale endeavor a virtual necessity. Now, you may be given all of our authority, but can you gain the respect needed to wield it without our assistance?” “You’re asking me if I can raise the sun and the moon, correct?” “More or less.” “Well, you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve done my calculations, and I think I’ve developed a spell that will allow me to accomplish this, if necessary, so long as I have access to the extra power that Nightmare is providing me.” “I see. And would you care to explain the theory behind this spell?” “Of course. You see... I... uh... there’s something... about a disk... or maybe a ring....” “Are you feeling alright, Twilight Sparkle?” Celestia asked with some concern. She, like most of the others in the room, couldn’t help but notice that the Element of Magic was once again emitting a dull glow, which could only mean that something was happening beneath the surface of Twilight’s mind. “I’m... I’m fine, I think. I just need a chance to collect my thoughts, that’s all. Would it be alright if we took a short break?” “That seems reasonable. Will thirty minutes be sufficient?” “Um... yeah. That should work.” * * * * * Twilight Sparkle stood in the small washroom, staring at the somewhat dingy mirror as water flowed in the porcelain sink. The librarian-who-would-be-princess pressed a hoof to her temple, trying to figure out why her tremendous capacity for storing information was suddenly failing her, but her attempts to reason her way back to a calmer state were doing little more than giving her a migraine. “What is wrong with me?” she groaned. “And more importantly, why did this have to happen at the worst... possible... moment...?” Her voice trailed off as she noticed the sickly glow emanating from the Element of Magic’s jewel. Apparently, something was happening, and the Nightmare was somehow involved. Twilight needed to get to the bottom of this, and she needed to do it now. Settling back on her haunches, the unicorn shut her eyes and imagined that she wasn’t sitting on the floor of a claustrophobic washroom, but on a sort of theatrical stage. When she opened her eyes again, she had returned to her original size and shape, and there was a tremendous racket coming from the wooden door behind her, which was no doubt the source of her present difficulties. The unicorn marched quickly towards the door and flung it open, intent on reigning in whatever madness was going on in a swift, orderly fashion. This intention, however, was completely derailed in less than a second. “Sweet filly Luna on a pogo stick! What... why... what happened to... huh?!” Twilight hadn’t seen a mess like this in the Hall of Knowledge since... well, since before she’d decided to organize her thoughts into the Hall in the first place. Papers, files, and books were strewn about the hallways, and it sounded like there was somepony who was in the process of making things worse. “Who is doing this? Show yourself!” Twilight Sparkle wasn’t sure who to expect—perhaps a rogue memory, or maybe the Nightmare engaging in some frantic search for an obscure bit of trivia. However, she most certainly did not expect to see a white pegasus with a blonde mane poking her head out of one of the hallways and chirping a jaunty greeting. “Hiya, Twilight!” “Surprise? How can you be here? I haven’t thought of you as an imaginary friend since Pinkie Pie... showed up....” Twilight Sparkle’s eyes went wide as her friend’s sudden nap suddenly seemed more conspicuous than fortuitous. “Pinkie Pie! What are you doing here?!” “I’m trying to get your attention, duh,” Pinkie replied as she landed and transformed back into her standard pink earth pony form. “But how—” “I’ve been doing some Pinkiology studies on my own,” she replied, as if that was a sufficient answer. “I don’t believe this! This was all just a setup?” “Look, Twilight, if you’ll just listen—” “Why should I listen to somepony who would just invade my mind the way you did?!” “You mean the Nightmare didn’t invade your mind?” “That’s... I mean... arrgh!” Twilight let out a noise that sounded like a mix of a groan and a scream. “Alright, you listen to me,” the unicorn said as the lighting in the hall grew more noticeably purple. “You are going to tell me everything. I want to know what you’re doing here, why you’re wearing Nightmare’s helmet, and every single detail of all the other ploys the Princesses are running. And you’re going to start by explaining what that bucket is doing over the front door!” Luckily, Pinkie Pie didn’t need to answer this query, as the Nightmare picked that moment to burst through the hall’s double doors, upending the bucket perched above and sending several gallons of white paint cascading onto her head. As the alicorn sputtered in an attempt to spit out the paint that had entered her open mouth, Twilight stared at her in complete and utter shock. “Celestia?!”