When Button Mash came to, his mind was flooded with a sea of questions:
Where am I?
Have I been kidnapped?
Why is my kidnapper serving me pancakes?
"Oh, lovely, you're awake," Princess Celestia beamed, drizzling syrup onto her own breakfast from the other end of the table. Beside her, the other diarch of Equestria picked at her own pancakes, eyes haggard with fatigue from the long night before.
"I trust you had a pleasant rest?"
"Knock it off, Tia," her sister grunted. "You just kidnapped a foal. And why? Because you didn't want anypony stealing your precious Wi-Fi."
"You know it's much more complicated than that, Luna," Celestia shot back, casting a warning glare at her. "Besides, you're the one always watching episodes of that 'K-Drama' you found last week. Aren't you glad you can finally stream it in HD?"
"Shut up."
Button Mash wanted to ask something important, but he was too groggy to do so, and his muzzle appeared to be sealed shut with what felt like duct tape. Even if he wanted to eat the pancakes, he wouldn't be able to. He tried waving his hooves for attention, but they were tied firmly to the back of his dining chair, rendering him immobile.
"Mmm mmm MmMMM MmmmmMMm?" he tried, but to no avail.
"Why do we even have to have pancakes every morning?" Luna complained. "Surely it must be common knowledge that the princess of the night prefers waffles instead."
"Mmmm... Mmm MmMmmm... MMMmmmm?!"
"My shift, my rules," Celestia mumbled through mouthfuls of pancake. "Once you stop making the same type of pasta for dinner every night, I'll consider a change in the menu."
"MMMmmmm! MmmMMM MMmm??!!"
Button Mash rocked so far back in his seat, it tipped backwards, falling to the floor in a loud crash. With a horrified gasp from Celestia and a reluctant moan from Luna, the two royal sisters hurried to help him back up, and, potential spinal injuries aside, he was fine.
"MmmmmMMm MmmmmMm MMMMmmmMm????"
"Hang on," Luna frowned. "Tia, I think the colt is trying to tell us something."
"Goodness, you're right," Celestia replied. With one swift motion, she ripped off the duct tape, almost taking off half the skin of Button Mash's face.
"GYAHH!" Button gasped for air, wishing he could have his hooves to rub his excruciatingly painful muzzle. Never mind, that didn't matter. As adrenaline coursed through his tiny body, the fact that he had just been kidnapped by the rulers of Equestria became much more apparent. Much, much clearer, actually. He had so many questions to ask, but where to begin? Why was he here? How was he here? What... what...
"What's the Wi-Fi password?" He blurted.
Despite the sheer confusion on the royal sisters' faces, Button felt it was a perfectly sound question to ask. After all, if he had been captured by a royal princess, they were most likely in the royal palace. And if they were in the royal palace, they were most likely to have 5GHz, high-speed, royal Wi-Fi.
And it was most likely to be password-protected.
"How about..." The princess of the Sun's eyes darted around hastily, first at her sister, who simply shrugged, then at Button, who was waiting impatiently, then at her banana-and-maple-syrup pancakes, who seemed indifferent.
"How about... you take a nap?" With a blast from her horn, she incinerated Button's breakfast, the once fluffy pancakes now blackened to a crisp. "You need some rest, don't you?"
"What d'ya mean, take a nap?" Button protested. "I just woke up! After you kidnapped me!"
"She has a point. It isn't a kidnapping without a kid napping," Luna quoted, summoning a little bed with a neatly placed duvet into existence.
"But why can't you tell me the Wi-Fi password?" Button Mash whined.
For a short, fleeting moment, Button could almost notice anger flit across Celestia's face, but it was quickly replaced with something calmer — what was that... Sympathy? Benevolence? Constipation? Before he could analyse further, it morphed into a forced smile, the princess's pearly whites clenched tightly together, her quivering eyebrows unable to decide whether to frown or not.
Yep, Button confirmed to himself. Looks like constipation to me.
"Let's not talk about the Wi-Fi for now," Celestia chuckled. "Anyway, what's your name, little colt? Where do you live?"
Button raised an eyebrow. "Button Mash. I live in Ponyville, you know, where you kidnapped me."
"Details, details." Celestia dismissed the idea with a wave of her hoof. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Button Mash."
"Is it?"
"Yeah," Luna added. "Is it?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"For starters, we don't usually tie up our honourable guests to dining chairs," Luna countered, pointing at Button.
"Oh." With a few sparks from her horn, Button was freed from the cords around his hooves. Now if only he could find his phone...
"Sorry, sorry, I'm new to all this kidnapping business," Celestia apologised, as Button Mash rummaged under his propeller hat for his phone. "Would you like something to drink? We have apple juice, orange juice, pear juice, grape — wait, what are you doing?"
Button glanced back up at the alicorn, mid-dial. "Calling my parents to let them know where I am. Duh."
"Ah. Okay. Wait, no—" Princess Celestia grabbed the phone, opened the nearest window and hurled it as far away as possible with all of her alicorn might, the device soaring off into the distance with the speed of a Wonderbolt. "I can't let you do that!"
Button Mash winced. "Curses."
"Now you're going to be a good little colt and take a nap," Celestia smiled. "And when you wake up, there'll be no talk about this silly Wi-Fi business. Okay?"
She skipped out into the palace corridors, humming a little tune, leaving Button and Luna behind, the latter shaking her head in disbelief.
"Why don't I get to know the Wi-Fi password?" Button complained.
Luna sighed. "Perhaps... perhaps if you obey my sister for the time being, she will eventually explain it to you. It is a very complicated matter, and even I do not fully understand what goes on in Celestia's mind." She patted the bed, fluffing the pillows with her cobalt blue aura. "You should get some rest."
"But I just woke up..."
"Trust me, you do not want to experience the side effects of Celestia's sleep spell." A small smile emerged from Luna's lips as an idea came to mind. "You like PUBG, do you not?"
Button Mash grinned from ear to ear, while, unbeknownst to the two of them, somewhere in Saddle Arabia, a deafening cry erupted from the village rooftops, one of the houses having a newly-installed phone-shaped hole in the ceiling.
Celestia scrolled through her Equinstagram feed, double tapping and giggling to herself as she did so. Now this was the life. Reclining comfortably in her favourite cosy sofa, a mug of freshly-brewed coffee by her side, stalking her beloved subjects... What could be better?
"Aww, look at that adorable photo of Flurry Heart and Cadance," Celestia cooed. "She's growing up so fast."
She left her like, then typed out her comment on the side:
celestia.banana1000 So cuteeeeee!!!1!1!! #goals #cute #littleprincess
She continued scrolling, until another photo made her stop.
"Is that... is that...?" Coffee erupted from her muzzle as she guffawed in laughter, spraying her drink all over her phone. "It is! It's Twilight in a quesadilla costume!"
pinkie_poo_partayyy @princesstwily LOL you silly filly! 🤣
sonic.rainboom #yikes
princesstwily Please, I swear it's photoshopped! Discord, take it down! 😡😡😡
glim_glam @princesstwily Oof
fan.of.puppeteers.discooooord @princesstwily hmm no thanks 🙃
"Tia?"
"Huh? Oh, goodness, Luna, you almost me scared me for a second there."
"Tia, we need to talk."
"Talk?" Celestia set her mug down, her attention now fixed on her sister. "Why, what's wrong?"
"You can't just take away everypony's Wi-Fi!"
"Oh, that again," Celestia grumbled, reverting her gaze to her phone.
"Tia, this is serious!" Luna protested. "You just kidnapped an innocent colt! This is getting out of hand! Please, if we use my methods to solve the problem—"
"Luna, we've been over this. And my methods are the only way!"
"You don't know that."
Celestia sighed in exasperation. Sometimes, her sister could be so stubborn. She thought banishment to the moon would have taught her that lesson, but nothing seemed to have changed with her.
"Fine, be that way," Luna huffed. "But when Equestria loses this war, don't come crying to me."
She stormed off, leaving Celestia to slowly process her sister's thoughts.
Hah! — Just kidding. What was there to process? 1000 years of experience had brought her to this conclusion. Without Wi-Fi, it was a sure victory for Equestria. Luna may not have realised it yet, but this was definitely the only option.
Besides, it meant she could read even more hilarious posts!
She grinned to herself at the prospect, exiting Equinstagram and opening up iFilly. She couldn't wait to turn Quesadilla Twily into a meme.
"Featherweight, I'm heading to Ponechinki, you comin'?"
"Ponechinki? But that's out of the safe zone! You'll get yourself killed!"
"Not if I return fast enough," Button Mash responded to the voice in his ear, hopping onto a nearby motorcycle.
"You're crazy." There was a pause. "Good luck!"
And with that, Button Mash zoomed off, past ransacked houses and worn-down buildings, taking care not to crash into any trees.
Only 5 left alive. He was so close.
He clutched his trusty assault rifle in his hooves, feeling a chill shoot up his spine as he crossed the boundaries of the safe zone. His strategy, though unorthodox, usually worked: He would leave the safe zone, wait for everypony else to kill off each other, then return to the safe zone to finish off the last remaining opponent.
Okay, maybe it didn't always work. But this was Button Mash's dream, so he could play however he liked.
3 left alive. A duo didn't make it out of the blue zone in time.
BANG! Curses, somepony was behind him. BANG! The gunshots quickly changed to rapid fire, one of the bullets taking out his back tyre.
"Button, blue zone incoming," Featherweight warned, as Button swerved in and out, attempting to dodge the ammunition. "You'd better hurry up!"
"Don't worry," Button grinned. "I've got a plan."
In PonyUnknown's BattleGrounds, plans and tactics were usually silent, discreet, usually thought of in advance. It was not only a game of skill, after all, it was also a game of strategy.
Button's plan, however, involved racing around on his motorcycle like a maniac.
"Come and get me, d3rp_muffins!" He taunted, waving his gun in the air in such a deranged fashion, he could have been mistaken for an inflatable tube man. The grey mare weaved in and out of his view, galloping back and forth as she attempted to find the best position to deliver the fatal shot. But of course, Button Mash wasn't about to let that happen. He was ready. He was prepared. He was going to get that Winner Winner Chicken —
"Dinner's ready!"
His eyes snapped awake. Oh come on! He was this close to winning!
Granted, it was one of the best dreams he had ever had. Everything was so realistic, so life-like — if Princess Luna wasn't the reigning diarch of Equestria, she would have a promising career in virtual reality.
Propping himself up on his hooves, he stretched any remaining weariness out of his body, yawning as he swung his legs over the bed, the chilly air-conditioning cooling his body as he stepped out of the warmth of his cosy duvet. As the mouth-watering aroma of freshly-cooked tomato and basil sauce pasta drifted past his muzzle, Button Mash realised he hadn't eaten in a full 24-hours — not since that lunch at that horrible, incompetent Hayburger King.
Stomach growling, mouth salivating and tiny hooves pounding against the floor as fast as they possibly could, he made his way to the royal kitchen, where he prepared himself to enjoy the most wondrous of—
Schlomp. The hot, sticky mess of overcooked gluten collapsed weakly onto the plate, as if already accepting its fate that it had lost its chance to ever taste any good. The sauce was so watery it was more of a soup than a sauce, and that was already pushing it, as dotted about the dish lay small clumps of diced tomato — not even diced, Button noted, mushed — pulverised to a pulp by what could only be the hooves of the alicorn of the night. Button was sure of this, as he had noticed a strand or two of glowing navy hair within the alleged 'meal'.
"Enjoy your meal!" Luna beamed, placing the plate of pasta in Button's hooves, who wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I've spent a long time cooking it, so you know it's good!"
Before Button Mash could inform her that that standard didn't necessarily follow for pasta, Celestia came trotting into the kitchen, her eyes still glued to her device.
"You aren't going to believe how many ponies liked my Quesadilla Twily meme," she began, grinning at the growing numbers on her phone. "Such a stroke of artistic genius, coming up with that punchline."
Her eyes fell on the pasta, immediately groaning. "Oh, Luna. Not that pasta again."
Button Mash tugged on the princess' foreleg. "Princess Celestia? May I have the Wi-Fi password now? It's important."
Celestia frowned. "What could be that important?"
Button Mash glanced back at the pasta worriedly. "I think we may have to order dinner online."