It was an infuriating, maddening feeling.
It was one of those feelings that nagged you from the back of your mind, screaming to be let free from the confines of your head as you try, and eventually fail, to ignore its cries, its screeching wails burning into your cranium like dragging nails on a chalkboard. It was one of those feelings, where no matter what you do and how you try to fix it, it never goes away — consuming you from the inside, nibbling away at your patience, gnawing away at your sanity.
Many events, for a young colt such as Button Mash, could trigger this sensation. Sometimes, it was the ever-growing pile of unfinished homework hidden under his bed, kept out of sight by the lame excuse that his dog (something which he did not actually own) had eaten it. Sometimes, it was an Easter egg in a video game that he knew for certain existed, but could not for the life of him find out where it was. This though... this was much more severe.
"MOOOOOOOMMM!!!"
"Yes, honey?"
"The Wi-Fi's out again!"
Now, this was a perfectly valid complaint. Little Button Mash had been playing a round of PonyUnknown's Battlegrounds, and was just about to win a chicken dinner, too, when all of a sudden, mid-shot of his Thompson SMG, the arena had frozen around him, lagging bit by bit until finally, a text-box popped up that would ruin his entire day:
NO INTERNET CONNECTION. PLEASE RECONNECT AND RESTART THE GAME.
"MOOOOOOOMMM!!!" Button shrieked again, getting up from his bed. Perhaps if I went closer to the router, my phone would reconnect, he reassured himself hopefully.
But it had been no use. There he stood, his phone pressed against the antennae of the router, helplessly turning his Wi-Fi on and off as he attempted to salvage his game.
"MOOOOOOOMMM!!!"
Now his mother, Love Tap, was usually a very patient mare. In fact, she had been working on a very important business email when the Wi-Fi had decided to go AWOL, and all she had done out of frustration was grit her teeth as she saved her email for later. After all, nothing in life could be solved by mere shouting at one another —
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!"
"WHAT?!" Love Tap stormed up the stairs and burst into her son's room. "WHAT COULD BE SO IMPORTANT, THAT YOU'D HAVE TO INTERRUPT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WORK?!"
"Mo-om, the Wi-Fi isn't working," her son whined, furiously (and quite fittingly) mashing the power button repeatedly with one hoof, clutching his phone in the other.
If she could have a bit for every time her son complained "Mom, the Wi-Fi isn't working" or "Mom, the Wi-Fi is too slow" or "Mom, when can we get a better router?", she would have enough bits to afford a nice, relaxing, child-free holiday in Los Pegasus. Oh, and perhaps enough bits left over to buy a better router.
"You'll just have to wait a little while," replied the mare. "You know how the Wi-Fi is. You can at least survive another ten minutes without Wi-Fi, can't you?"
But Little Button Mash didn't think he could. What would the rest of his team think? That he had quit on them on the most critical point of the game? He would never hear the end of it when he got back to school the following Monday. He'd be so embarrassed, so humiliated, so...
No, he needed a way to get back online, and fast.
"Well," his mother said, gritting her teeth patiently, "Why don't you go outside and play? It's such a lovely day today. Just be sure to be back before sun—"
But her son was already gone, having dashed out of the room with nothing but his phone and a few bits.
"Huh," Love Tap frowned, watching Button disappear over the horizon through the bedroom window. "That was surprisingly easy."
"One hayburger, please. Oh, and some cola, too!"
"Alright. That'll be four bits."
Button handed over the currency and eagerly looked around the restaurant, his gaze scouring every single wall, every single poster, every single sign on every single doorway.
Nothing there.
Hmm. Perhaps they had written it on his receipt. He glanced down at the slip of paper in his hoof, his eyes skimming through the numbers until he had reached the bottom.
Still nothing.
He groaned. It must be somewhere! He'd just have to search harder.
And thus began little Button's rampage through the restaurant. Flowerpots were toppled, chairs were tipped, drinks were spilled. It was well known, or at least, well known enough, that most customers dining at Hayburger King came for a quick pick-me-up. They did not, however, predict that during the course of their meal, they would actually be picked up by a little colt in his desperate scavenger hunt for a precious string of letters and numbers, only to be plonked firmly back down on their seats, their dinner sent flying up in the air by Button Mash's extreme antics.
Finally, the colt sighed in resignation, slumping into an empty chair, slivers of lettuce and tomato all splattered on the floor around him. Where could they have put it? He scowled, picking out hay fries from his hair.
"Order number 923? Your meal is ready."
Button Mash sprung up from his seat. There was, still, one other option.
"Thanks! Er— what's the Wi-Fi password?"
The cashier frowned and shook her head. "I'm sorry, but, we don't have Wi-Fi here."
"What? But... it says here—" He whipped out his phone, almost slamming it into the poor mare's face. "Look, FreeWiFi@HayburgerKing! You can't tell me you don't have Wi-Fi!"
"Ah, but that's the staff Wi-Fi. It isn't for customer use."
What kind of establishment was this? Button was on the verge of exploding, he was so furious. "Can't you give me the password anyway? I came all the way here, just to have —"
"I'm sorry, but I can't do that. It's the staff Wi-Fi, and I'm not allowed to give out the password."
Button Mash groaned. Why did this always have to be so difficult? Then, pulling a face so stern it would put a cockatrice to shame, he declared with the deepest voice a colt could muster: "I'd like to speak to the manager, please."
The cashier shrugged. "Suit yourself." She disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Button to munch angrily into his burger, slurping his cola with great gusto as he waited impatiently.
The manager was a smiley, kind-faced stallion, with twinkling eyes and a faint aroma of vanilla ice-cream. This didn't faze Button, though — it was probably all a ruse to distract internet-deprived colts like himself.
"What seems to be the problem, young boy? Are you not satisfied with your meal?"
"No, the meal is fine. I just want to know the —"
"Did your meal not come with a free toy? I'll get one for you if you want —"
"No, I just want the —"
"How about a free refill of some cola? I'm sure you'd like that—"
"I JUST WANT THE WI-FI PASSWORD!" Button Mash bellowed.
Silence shrouded the restaurant, as startled ponies looked up from their burgers, staring in shock at the young colt. The manager was taken aback, too, and, adjusting his collared shirt, smiled awkwardly at Button Mash.
"Now, don't be angry, young boy, but our free customer Wi-Fi isn't working at the moment. Even if we gave you the password, you still wouldn't be able to connect."
"What? No — that mare from before just told me it was the staff Wi-Fi!"
"Did she, now..." The manager seemed to digest this for a moment. "Then, yes. It is the staff Wi-Fi."
What kind of logic that was, Button Mash wasn't sure. Either way, he was appalled by the lack of excellent service that he was certain all outlets of the Hayburger King franchise should boast.
"Well, I've just about had enough of this," he replied indignantly, inhaling the rest of his meal as quickly as possible. "I'm off to find a place that will give me exactly what I need."
He pouted, got up, stomped his hooves angrily and turned to leave the restaurant, but turned back a few moments later, sheepishly trotting back to the manager.
"Er — you're still giving me that free toy, right?"
Of course. Why didn't Button Mash think of this before?
Internet cafés always had Wi-Fi. And he still had quite a few bits left, enough for perhaps one or two hours of gameplay before sunset.
A spring in his step, he forgot all about the whole hayburger incident, skipping into the café, grinning widely at the prospect of all the chicken dinners he would win that afternoon. This time, he wasted no time in asking:
"What's the Wi-Fi password?"
The mare at the counter bent down to look at him through steel-rimmed spectacles. "Where are your parents?" She demanded, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, they're at home." Button explained. "It's alright, you must be new. I come here all the time — do you need to see my lifetime membership card?"
The bespectacled mare simply grunted. "You have to pay, just like everypony else. It's three bits an hour."
"Fair enough. Here's six bits. So what's the Wi-Fi password?"
"The Wi-Fi isn't working today."
"What?!?" Button Mash slammed the counter with his tiny hooves. "Then give me back my bits!"
"Sorry, we run a strict no-refund policy."
"But —"
"You may take a seat. We have plenty of interactive, offline software a young colt like you can play with." She began listing off names in the most monotonous voice possible. "FreeCell. Solitaire." She paused. "Microsoft Paint."
"But why isn't the Wi-Fi working?"
"You ask too many questions. Go. Sit. Computer No. 24."
"Fine, fine." At this rate, Button Mash had given up hope of finding a stable internet connection before sunset. He didn't want to waste his pocket money, though, so he trudged miserably to Computer No. 24, shaking the mouse vigorously to wake it up. A game or two of Solitaire couldn't hurt, could it? At least it was a computer game, and not just some silly plastic toy from Hayburger King (it had broken on its first try, and Button was deeply disappointed).
He was just about to sit down to play, when a familiar voice cut through his thoughts.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid pistol! Ugh, why can't I get better loot? I should've landed in Ponechinki."
To say the voice was familiar was an understatement. To say the voice had been permanently drilled into the head of everypony in Equestria in the form of public speeches, Summer Sun Celebrations and Hearth's Warming Eve addresses — now that sounded more like it.
Button Mash wasn't one for formalities, though.
"Princess Celestia? Why do you have Wi-Fi?"
The white alicorn looked up from her game, surprised to see such a young colt questioning her so casually. "Oh, hello, little one. Yes, the Wi-Fi isn't working at the moment. I'm currently using my mobile data."
Button groaned. Was everypony trying to lie to him today, or were they just extremely lacking in basic IT skills? And of all ponies, Princess Celestia?
"No, no, no! You are connected to Wi-Fi! The Wi-Fi symbol is right here!" Button Mash shoved his hoof into the royal iPhone, slamming into the floor, the sheer force of the impact cracking the screen as Princess Celestia let out a horrified cry. Her despair, however, had nothing to do with the state of her device.
"You silly colt! You have no idea what you've done, haven't you? Look, I've just been knocked out by another player, and a first-timer, by the looks of it..."
Button Mash didn't seem to care. He didn't want to care. Yes, he was about to be harshly disciplined by the ruler of all of Equestria, who had started screaming in his face; yes, juvenile detention wouldn't look that great on his permanent record... but did that really matter?
"Look," he interrupted. "We both know you're connected to the Wi-Fi here. Why everypony tells me otherwise, that's a different matter. I just need to know one thing. What's the Wi-Fi password?!"
Princess Celestia looked pained. "I... I didn't want to do this... Not to a child... But you leave me no choice."
And before Button Mash could formulate a response, he was enveloped by a magical golden aura, his eyes slowly drifting off to sleep as Princess Celestia hastily stuffed him into an empty garbage bag.
"Good, no witnesses," Princess Celestia muttered, slinging the bag over her back. "We can't have that, can we?"