//------------------------------// // Busted Brothers // Story: Tales from Equestria // by Hereward //------------------------------// A large abomination steadily made its way along the road through open countryside as two unicorns riding it debated their options; what made this wheeled contraption stand out, apart from its size, was the lack of anypony pulling it. "That's gotta be the eighteenth time we've been turfed out." One of the unicorns moaned. "Why don't we go back to Dodge Junction? We had it made there; everypony was happy with our cider there." "Because, Flam," The other one said, "The cherry business altered the economic equilibrium, made the imported cider cheaper and we couldn't compete when the orchards started to give way to cherry trees." "Flim, it seems we can't compete anywhere in Equestria now." Flam argued. "That Apple family's so widespread and so connected that nowhere's not heard of the Ponyville incident." "That was our thirteenth attempt." Flim remarked. "But this is the big time. So, Fillydelphia and Manehatten flopped what with all those rumours going round but there's no way a family of farming ponies will hold such connections that we couldn't sell our cider in Canterlot." "You think they'd let us sell our cider? We're hardly upper crust ponies." "If they turned away every business pony just because they ain't noble elite there'd be hardly any market in Canterlot at all." Princess Celestia stood in the street with a few guards at her sides staring at the mass that was forming in the marketplace. Curious as to what could make the toffee-nosed ponies of Canterlot behave like Manehattenites when there was any street theatre she stepped forth to find out what all the fuss was about. "Cider!" A shout rang across the assembled mass. "Fresh cider! Quicker, tastier and more plentiful than any effort ever made before. Cut-price offers thanks to our labour-saving developments. The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000! All this courtesy of..." "Flim and Flam?!?" That one voice made the excitable ponies stop and stand aside revealing their diurnal sovereign. "Princess Celestia!" The brothers declared with delight. "What an honour it is for you to visit our humble cider stall." "Please, may we offer...?" "Enough." Her voice was quiet but carried a tone that unsettled the assembled mass. "I'm used to ponies' flattery but yours is ill-founded." "Beg pardon, your highness?" Flam uneasily asked. "I have reasonable sources that tell me that your practices are below the standards of our nation. Therefore I feel obliged to decree that your machine will be confiscated and the both of you shall be taken into custody pending trial." Her guards now split to flank both her and the accused. "M...m...majesty," Flim struggled, "What charges could warranty such an act?" "Property damage without reimbursement," Celestia recited, "Attempts to force a monopoly in your own favour, disregard for historical inheritance, use of substandard merchandise when facing stiff competition, attempted destitution upon other ponies, fraud, environmental vandalism and low treason." With that the two stallions were led away from the masses. "How?" Flim moaned as they sat in a holding cell. "How could she have heard anything to give so many charges?" "You don't suppose...?" Flam suggested. "No. It couldn't be. The Princess wouldn't have that much interest in farm ponies." "We'll get out of this, bro. I've sent a couple of letters; one for a washkit and one for a lawyer." "I hope we can get a good one." "Don't worry. I've asked for the best value-for-money lawyer there is, Injunction Suit." "Not the?!?" "Yes, the same one who repaired Princess Luna's reputation with everypony in Canterlot. I'm not sure how well he'll spin it but he'll at least reduce it to just one charge, surely." The door was unlocked and a guard stepped in. "A postmare wishes to speak to you." He announced in a rather gruff way. In trotted a gray pegasus with eyes looking all over the place. "Ah, my dear." Flam flattered her. "Is there anything from Injunction Suit?" "Sure is." She answered. "It's right here." She pulled out a sponge bag. "What is that?" Flam was confused. "The washkit you ordered." "The washkit." Flim moaned, facehoofing in the process. "Miss Derpy, I gave you two letters." Flam identified. "You sent the one asking for a washkit to the best lawyer in Equestria I know." "Sure did!" She beamed. "And as for the letter requesting a barrister?" Derpy took out a black cap and put it on. "Right on it, squire!" "You're saying that you'll represent us at the trial?" Flim asked. "Absolutely. I always wanted to be involved in the laws of the Princesses." "Perhaps all of us should get involved." Flim suggested. "You're really a member of the Royal court?!?" Rarity gasped. "I didn't say that." Twilight answered. "Princess Celestia's asked me to be the prosecution counsel for an upcoming trial in Canterlot." "Ah di'n't know you was a lawyer, Twiligh'." "I did qualify as one, Applejack, but I've never actually taken on the role of a barrister before." "So why did the Princess ask yer?" "It so happens that your family have become quite involved in this case." "Yer what?" "As victims. My current research on the case strongly suggests that they'll be key witnesses." "Oooh, does that mean we can unlock doors with them?" Pinkie Pie asked, appearing out of nowhere. Shrugging off her antics Applejack continued her inquiry. "What kinda court case would have the Apples as witnesses in Canterlot?" Twilight gave her a knowing smirk and floated over a piece of card. "Maybe the names of the accused will answer your question." Applejack's eyes bugged out before her face settled into a sly smirk of her own. "Hooo boy! Never thought Ah'd get t'chance t' return their favour." "We won't be short of witnesses from Ponyville." Twilight mentioned. "But I'd like to investigate their dealings with other towns." "We're right behind you, Twilight." Rainbow Dash grinned with furrowed brows as she read the names of the accused. "They'll need to find ponies who've never heard of us." Flam identified as he paced while Flim attempted to formulate a part of their defence case, preferably the main part. "All things considered," He responded, "They'll be members of the Canterlot elite, nowhere else would have anypony sufficiently unfamiliar with us. So if we can look at our ancestry maybe that'll have some bearing." "Flim, our parents were first cousins. They were a sideline of the Aten family." "Exactly. We have a Canterlot pedigree." "Your lawyer's here." The guard interrupted. "Okay, Derpy." Flam greeted her. "What've you got?" "Blueberry muffins." She told them, earning a certain look from the two. "For our tea." "We're grateful for the treat, but what about our case?" "Oh, well I've been looking at your business history and located some witnesses." "Good." Flim acknowledged. "And I've started on my own report." "We've been working on some contributions to that." "Well, we can compile our findings the day before the trial." "Dear sister, I've never heard of your ever personally calling for the arrest of anypony for over five hundred years." Luna commented as they shared the evening meal. "Ordinarily I wouldn't condemn the actions of any of my subjects but these stallions are a special case." Celestia answered. "Furthermore I intend to highlight a problem that's developing among the Canterlot elite." "Problem?" "It's not common but it's possible for a mortal pony to succumb to greed." "Celestia, please explain how any pony could suffer from the psychological poison that is greed." "When Canterlot was named the capital of Equestria many families who'd distinguished themselves in the black days beforehand settled within its walls. Over time they began to distance themselves from the rest of Equestria and would only accept the companionship of others in the same boat. The stallions, Flim and Flam, are but the product of a most unfortunate accident of inbreeding when members of two very close families sought escape from the strain of the city life. The news of it only got to their parents when they'd already began preparing the twins for school, so there was no turning back on that front." "You're saying that inbreeding due to snobbish pride leads to offspring highly susceptible to avarice?" The sun goddess gave her compatriot a steady nod. "How goes Operation Send 'Em Down?" Rainbow Dash asked Twilight with blatantly false nonchalance. "I've got more than enough witnesses and I'm currently compiling documentation of the evidence against them." "I've just been having a chat with Derpy." Twilight glanced up with a tad more interest. "How is she?" "Delighted to be involved in Equestria's legal system." Rainbow Dash stifled a giggle. Twilight cocked an eyebrow. "Derpy? But she's not one of my witnesses." "No, she told me she's gonna be defence counsel." Rainbow continued to stifle laughter. "She's got a court case too?" "Same one. She's Flim and Flam's defence counsel!" Rainbow Dash let some laughter through. Twilight gave a sigh. "We'll just be doing our job. I won't hold it against her and I hope she won't either. I didn't even know she had any legal training." "She doesn't. The only experience she has was in flight school during some problem-solving exercises!" Rainbow Dash rolled on the floor in hilarity. "Hang on," She said once she'd recovered, "Where's Spike?" "The Princess asked him to be the clerk of the court so he needs to be separate from me in order to avoid any bias." "How's about this, Flam?" Flim sought his brother's opinion upon the piece he wrote. "Flim and Flam are at the end of a great line of noble blood and the advance of Equestria's economy sits in their innovative hoofs!" "Brilliant work." Flam cheered. "Sounds like a marvellous piece." Derpy agreed as she looked up from her notes. "I've made a substantial conclusion to the defence." Flam brandished a piece of paper. "Since we aren't allowed typing equipment in here you'll have to take it all and compile it into a comprehensive work of legal jargon." "At once!" Derpy gathered all notes and paperwork and set off. Flim and Flam stood between a pair of royal guards awaiting the trial that would determine their future in business ventures. Spike sat at a table checking over the preliminary notes while he waited for the time when he'd use the typewriter, a godsend for him. The jury wasn't very comprehensive; in the box sat Fancypants with three other noble-ponies and eight randomly selected members of the palace staff. Derpy entered the courtroom. "So sorry I'm late, your honour." She addressed Spike. "I'd like to start by saying that these stallions are truly brilliant in their concepts and know just how to treat a mare..." "That's the clerk of the court." Flam pointed out. "We haven't started yet." Derpy moved to her station, embarrassed by her mistake. Twilight now came in. "So we meet again." She addressed them. "Oh, it's you." Flim moaned. "What purpose might you be serving in this trial, then? Straightening chairs?" Twilight didn't react severely to this since she knew that the truth would provide the 'take that' required. "No, I'm the prosecutor." She told them. "Don't get your hopes up, the evidence against you is overwhelming." "I'd advise that you don't get your hopes up." Flim countered. "Any down-to-earth judge is bound to do no worse than give us a fine." "Certainly any simple, down-to-earth, unbiased pony would." Twilight smiled. "Who's on the bench, by the way?" Flam asked. "All rise for their Royal highnesses!" A guard announced as Celestia and Luna entered on the side reserved for the role of judge. "That's torn it." Flam spoke out of the side of his muzzle. The supreme rulers of Equestria and de facto masters of the entire world sat at the judge's podium and Celestia gestured for everyone to sit down. "Court is now in session." Princess Celestia announced. "Equestria versus the Flim Flam brothers." She commenced to read out the charges, including a part about 'attempting to force land away from a family to which it had been granted by the crown' and, most shocking to the two, 'disregard to the rights and privalages of one or more bearers of the Elements of Harmony'. "How dost the defendants plead?" Princess Luna asked once the charge-reading was complete. "Not guilty." They answered simultaneously. "Twilight Sparkle," The moon goddess addressed, "Thy role as prosecutor is called for." "This is fun, isn't it." Derpy remarked to the accused. "Just like a real trial." "Your majesties..." Twilight started until Celestia raised a hoof. "Please," She countered, "For the duration of this trial we shall be referred to as 'your honours' since that is the term typically used when addressing judges." "Apologies, your honours." Twilight resumed. "I'd like to call my first witness, Applejack." When the prompt passed through the proper channels the farm pony entered and took the stand. A guard provided her with a card to read off and an emblem of both Princesses. Applejack took just the emblem and turned to the alicorns. "I som'ly swear in the view of your most ennoble highnesses that Ah'll tell the truth, the whole truth and nothin' but the truth." The Princesses glanced at each other and silently agreed that her oath was satisfactory. "You are Applejack, of the Apple family and resident of Sweet Apple Acres?" Twilight began. Applejack had been told about this formality and so replied. "Tha's me." "Do you recognise those two stallions in the dock?" Twilight asked. "Yes. Brothers Flim and Flam." "Would you please tell the court what happened between yourself and them in your own words?" With that Applejack recounted quite accurately the time when Flim and Flam offered the use of their magitech gizmo to make more cider quicker and easier in return for a most unfair dividend, including the most valuable parts for the sake of prosecution. "Thank you, Miss Applejack." Twilight's conclusive statement caused the farm pony to raise her eyebrows in confusion. "Would the defence counsel like to cross-question the witness?" Celestia asked. "Just one thing." Derpy acknowledged as she stepped towards Applejack. "Can you use cider in muffins?" "Objection!" Twilight shouted. "The defence counsel's question is irrelevent to the matter in hand." "It mentions cider, don't it?" Derpy countered. "Objection sustained." Celestia mentioned. With that Derpy returned to her assigned desk. "I would now like to call my second witness," Twilight announced, "Granny Smith." The elderly mare hobbled in as best she could, one of the guards aiding her efforts to reach the box. "It's a'right, youn' lad." She told him. "Ah may not be as spritely as Ah was bu' Ah can still ge' where Ah'm goin'." Once the whole oath taking and witness identification part had passed Twilight asked her. "Does your family not own Sweet Apple Acres in Ponyville?" "Sure tha's our land." "Did Flim and Flam not try to force this land out of your hooves by way of a quality cider production challenge without any reimbursement, the lack of which would leave all of you destitute?" "They most certainly did!" "Can you see Flim and Flam anywhere in this courtroom?" Granny Smith gestured most emphatically towards the dock. "They're right there!!!" She almost screamed. "Okay, okay." Twilight settled her down. "Now, would you please recount how your family came by the land that is now called Sweet Apple Acres?" Granny Smith smiled and closed her eyes as she remembered her time as a young filly and spoke each memory with calm precision. Once she had finished the defendants were gobsmacked that the mare they considered to be 'an old fogie' was not only the daughter of the stallion that Princess Celestia had granted farmland to but was also responsible for the founding of Ponyville itself. "Thank you for your time, Granny Smith." Luna was also staring between her sister and the senior pony in the witness box. "Defence counsel," Celestia addressed, "Have you any questions for this witness?" There was a long pause before Derpy answered. "Nope." With that Granny Smith was courteously escorted out of the court. "What you have heard, members of the court," Twilight announced, "Is how these two stallions attempted to rip off just one family, to the extent of going back on their claims of quality in order to make more cider." Following on from that she presented evidence of their doing such acts before and after the incident with Sweet Apple Acres. "Having identified their crimes against ponies I would now like to call a witness to their crimes against the natural world. Call Fluttershy." It took some time before the pegasus in question could gain the courage to take the stand. Her statement was particularly shocking to those present. "When they saw that we were, in fact, making more cider," She said, "They put more magic into their monstrous machine making it uproot apple trees and process everything that came off, so you can understand the horrors that must've occurred in that thing. And, to think, they actually let ponies drink cider that could've had all sorts of remains in it!" She broke down as her mind swam with what could've happened. With the Princesses' permission she was gently escorted from the court. By the time Twilight had finished it was barely an hour before sunset was due. Because of this the Princesses adjourned the court for the day, with resumption due two hours after sunrise the next day. During the recess Twilight approached Fluttershy. "Sorry." Twilight croaked. "I'm sorry that you had to go through that." "I...It's okay." She replied. "Somepony had to point out the danger that machine poses." "Can I just ask," Pinkie Pie inquired, "Why is it that there were no gems in the jewellery? After all it is called the jewellery, isn't it." "Pinkie, it's the jury, not the jewellery. They usually determine if someone's guilty or not based on the evidence given. However, according to existing legislation, the judgement of the Princesses always overrides anypony elses, so they must be in a purely advisory role in this case." Next morning the court reassembled ready to hear the defence. Just before this was granted Princess Luna made a statement. "It so happens," She informed all present, "That we were in reception of a document apparently sent by the accused offering a proportion of their profits in return for clemency. Therefore we may introduce a charge of attempted bribery to this case." "I told you it was impossible." Flam snarled in a whisper to his brother. Thusly Derpy commenced her defence. "First off," She stated as she read her notes, "I would like to say that Flim and Flam are up the end of a great and noble lion and Equestria has the advantage of an enema by their hooves." Derpy first called their mother as a witness, who revealed the accidental infidelity that propagated the con-stallions before beginning to break down, prompting Princess Celestia to request that she remain in Canterlot for a while so that she may explain things to the poor mare. "I'd not like to call the surprise witness," Derpy declared, "Twilight Sparkle." Twilight stared in bewilderment as she moved away from her desk. "Thou wouldst call the counsel for prosecution as a defence witness?" Princess Luna asked incredulously. "That's the surprise." She explained as Twilight took the stand. Once the oath-taking was done Derpy asked her. "You are Twilight Sparkle, proprietor of Golden Oak Library and student of her majesty Princess Celestia?" "I am." With this Derpy gave a gesture of success to the accused. "Disregarding the matter at hoof, would you really think of Flim and Flam as the kind of ponies who would typically cheat others?" "Yes, I would." Derpy was thrown by this; all she could offer was. "You sure? I was certain you'd say no." "Positive." Twilight answered. "If your honours would permit I'd like to read out a list of incidents resembling that, which took place in Ponyville." Celestia gave a simple nod. "16th May Year 1 of the Third Age, 21st May Year 1 of the Third Age, 4th June Year 1 of the Third Age, 13th August Year 1 of the Third Age..." "You missed one." Derpy pointed out. "23rd July Year 1 of the Third Age," Twilight mentioned her gratitude to the pegasus, "6th September Year 1 of the Third Age..." "Derpy!" Flam interrupted. She got the message there. "That you, Miss Sparkle, no further questions." That concluded Twilight's time in the stand. "Congratulations," Flim muttered to Derpy, "You've really made a good case." "Don't worry, I've a final and decisive witness." Derpy turned back to the court and shouted. "Call Snails!" The young colt was led into the room. "Deny everything and we'll do you any favour you ask." Flam whispered to the lad as he walked by. Snails nodded with a smile and took the stand. "In light that this witness is under 12," Luna announced, "We shall forego the oath." "Are you Snails?" Derpy began her questioning. "Nope." He replied. "But you are willing to defend these two gentlecolts?" Derpy tried. "Nope." Flim and Flam simultaneously head-desked at this. "Come on, Snails." Derpy whispered. "Show more assistance. It's me." "Oh no, it's not." He answered out loud. "Objection!" Twilight was most exasperated. "The witness is unreliable." "Objection sustained." Celestia confirmed. "Please leave, young colt, you don't appear to be of any use to the proceedings." Derpy now moved on to her closing statement. "Fillies and gentlecolts," She announced, "You have heard all the evidence of this case, but in the end it is up to your hearts to determine the truth. And, like me, I think you'll find that Flim and Flam are totally and utterly guilty!" She sat down and Flam turned over her notes, causing her to stand again. "Of nothing more than trying to upgrade the cider industry by way of a decent honest form of business." "I find your statement highly unlikely." Celestia mentioned. "The jury will now adjourn to recommend the judgement upon the accused." "Ponies of the jury," Princess Luna addressed, "Has thou reached a conclusion?" "Indeed we have, your honours." Fancypants answered as spokespony. "We find the defendants guilty on all charges save one, low treason." "Very well." Princess Celestia turned to Flim and Flam. "In light of the jury's verdict, having gone through the legal documents together, my sister and I determine that you shall serve each of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony for one whole year in personal servitude, totalling up to six years servility. Furthermore you are henceforth banned from holding your own private business until further notice." "Hast thou anything to say?" Luna asked them. "Yes." Flam stated after a moment's pause. "Will we have an escort?" "Only when travelling between your charges." She answered. "To ensure you won't commit any felonies while doing time," Celestia added, "You will be required to wear enchanted horseshoes that will get very heavy if you go too far away from your assigned location, which depends on who you're assigned to and also where they want you to be as well as what they want you to do. Furthermore," She paused as she stamped a parchment just after Luna did, "As from now all industrialised businesses must apply for a licence to ensure that progress won't stifle tradition, quality or aesthetics. We also agree that the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 shall be made custody of any of the element bearers should they so desire it for whatever purpose it may serve." "The court case has been concluded." Luna announced. "What's this?" Derpy asked as the Princesses presented her with a parchment. "Having observed the farce that was thy efforts as defence counsel," Luna informed her, "We have determined that you are unsuited for the role of a lawyer and are hereby banned from legal proceedings except as a witness, a defendant or a victim until such a time as you come in possession of the necessary qualifications." "However," Celestia told her, "In light of your efforts we've also agreed to reimburse you to the sum of 1,000 bits." She presented a pouch of gold coins. "Perhaps you should consider a less mentally taxing role in society." "Please don't hold back." Princess Celestia told the element bearers. "I would like to hear whatever criticisms you may have about the order in which your temporary servants will be assigned." "Jus' one thing, Princess." Applejack spoke up. "Why is i' tha' Ah'm number three rather than either number one or number six, seein' as Ah've go' the most reason t' pu'em through the paces?" "I did consider a progressive timetable," Celestia answered, "But normal sentences tend to wind down towards the end and throwing them in at the deep end means they'll consider the other five lenient, so you and Rarity are years three and four respectively as I expect that they'll find the duties under you two to be either really gruelling or rather humiliating. A sort of peak in the chart." "Considering those facts," Twilight mentioned, "It all falls into place. First Pinkie Pie, then me, then Applejack, then Rarity, then Rainbow Dash and finally Fluttershy." "Now we come to what their machine's gonna be used for." Celestia stated. "Don' look at me!" Applejack declared. "Ah don' wan' nothin' t'do with it." "And I most certainly don't wish to be associated with such a monstrousity." Rarity added. "Don't look at me." Rainbow Dash remarked. "I doubt it's cloud-compatible." "I daren't even look at it." Fluttershy squeaked. "I don't want to make this hard, Princess." Twilight mentioned. "But I don't see what help it could be for my studies or even for the library." "Pinkie?" Celestia asked. "I did have one idea." She answered. "But it's a little bit tricky. If I may have a personal word with you." Celestia nodded and led her away from the others before they had a few words, during which a smirk seemed to form on the Princess's face. "It will take a bit of time to print the forms," She informed the hyperactive pony, "But I think you'll be able to start up within a month." "Thanks a bundle!" Pinkie squealed and began bouncing towards the door. As she drifted off into perspective her voice seemed to float back to them in her song mode. "I never thought that I would climb over the moon and next..." "Since Flim and Flam are to be sent to serve under her tomorrow," Celestia informed the remaining five, "I would like to extend to each of you an invitation to stay in Canterlot for up to a week." "Why Princess Celestia," Rarity declared, "What an honour to bestow upon such humble ponies as we!" "Fer a given value of 'umble." Applejack muttered. "Ah appreciate the offer, Princess, bu' Ah don' think Ah could stay away from Ponyville fer more than another day." "If you think Ponyville will be able to cope without my services as a librarian for that long..." Celestia responded to Twilight with a gentle nod. "I think I'll take you up on your offer." "If it's a royal invitation," Rainbow Dash stated, "I'm accepting, forbid the storm clouds!" "If you're offering, Princess," Fluttershy ventured, "I may be able to remain for two or three days. If nopony else has any objections...?" "Whatever your own decisions may be," Celestia reassured them, "My sister and I will always consider you all welcome within the walls of the palace. See you around." She turned away to deal with her duties, prancing as she went while her singing floated back to them bearing joy and confusion. "Who can take a sunrise? Sprinkle it with dew? Cover it in chocolate and a mir..."