If focusing on my daily life had been difficult before, it was near impossible now.
Any hopes I had of continuing on like I had been were dashed the moment I had a single second to myself. Even during the busy, and often stressful, hours I worked as Headmare, I found my mind drifting further and further away.
Any attempt at distraction was futile, and even those close to me, my dearest friends couldn't pull me away from the dark and terrible images of ethereal clones, monstrous trees, and otherworldly beings of terrifying power and presence.
Still, I tried to focus for the sake of my friends, my loved ones, and the students if not my own sake. School trips, field days, special guests, a day at the spa with Rarity and Fluttershy, and various other activities served as admirable, if ultimately pointless, ways to spend my time.
At one point, I'd even had the other three Princesses come in as guest teachers for the day. That had turned out to be a mistake, as when everything was said and done, they spent the rest of the time fretting over my current state, and I was certainly in a state.
I hadn't slept at all since the nightmare, and while that was nothing new, given my propensity for late night studies, it had gotten somewhat out of hoof. It'd been easy to hide my lack of proper rest at first.
My daily routine of good hygiene, and a little magic here and there to hide the bags under my eyes and my constantly frazzled mane and tail, were enough to keep suspicions to a minimum, but the cracks had eventually begun to show despite my efforts.
Getting to sleep wasn't all that much of a problem, as I knew several spells I'd picked up from Luna for such an occasion as this. The true problem lay in the fact that I had no desire to sleep, lest I had another vivid nightmare.
Every time I laid down for the night, it was as though I could feel some kind of horrible pull at my consciousness. The fear was enough to keep me awake for the duration of the night and in the end, what little sleep I did get wasn't really sleep at all, but a magical substitute.
I'd fallen back on a spell I'd used in my youth when I was still Celestia's student, a spell she'd forbade me to use again for the sake of my health when she'd found out about it. It was a spell I used to activate the various functions the body went through during sleep while still awake.
While an effective spell that left you awake and refreshed without the need to sacrifice consciousness, it still paled in comparison to actual rest, and the effects became less potent the more it was used.
It was also getting more difficult to dodge the questions of those close to me. It was clear by this point that they knew something was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth... not yet.
All of this had gone on for almost a month, and it was after a particular incident that I decided enough was enough. Both Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie had visited my castle one evening for a sleepover.
I agreed of course, more than happy for the company, and desperate for any kind of distraction from the long hours I spent simply staring into the fireplace of my sitting room, my mind in a sleep deprived daze and my thoughts centered on the subjects I'd been trying to avoid.
I felt I also owed it to the mares, as well as Spike and Starlight, both of whom opted to join us. In the last week or so, I'd been so distracted by my own issues that I'd begun neglecting my duties as Headmare.
What work I did get done was becoming sloppy and full of mistakes and errors in judgment. This, much to my shame and guilt, left both Spike and Starlight to pick up much of the slack.
So it was that Fluttershy and Pinkie spent the night in my castle. For a time, things seemed well, and between Fluttershy's calm reassuring presence and Pinkie's boisterous, and upbeat attitude, I was actually able to relax and enjoy myself somewhat.
It was when we had all settled down for the evening that the trouble began.
As we all prepared our beds for the night, I began to notice Spike and the other three mares giving each other furtive glances when they thought I wasn't looking. Whenever I caught one of them watching me, they looked away or pretended to be doing something else.
It didn't take a genius to guess at what the issue might've been, and I didn't blame them for being skittish and dancing around the elephant in the room that was my sorry condition. Still, it galled and confused me that they didn't come right out and say anything.
I thought to call them out on their behavior when Spike suddenly spoke up, apparently not able to stay silent anymore. As I'd suspected, they'd all been extremely worried, and the sleepover was meant as a means to get me to 'open up' about what was bothering me so much.
They'd tried waiting to see if I'd say anything on my own, and when I didn't they got even more worried. Once Spike had started talking, the others were quick to join in, and I soon found myself surrounded by worried expressions and concerned inquiries.
I reacted badly at first, my fear, my panic, and my stress causing me to lash out at them. I said things I hadn't meant, and once I started, I couldn't stop myself. They'd wanted to know what I was so worried and upset about, and in my anger, I told them, though not about the dream.
I took the opportunity to vent my frustration at their lack of support regarding what I'd gone through in the cave, and how they completely brushed my fears and worries aside, just like they had during the Want-it-Need-it incident and just like they had during the wedding.
I knew it was opening old wounds that had long since been closed, and I knew it wasn't fair, as I wasn't completely in the right in either of those circumstances as well, but I couldn't help myself at that point. I was irrational and irritable from lack of sleep, and that had played a big part in my breakdown.
My ire died out when I finally took a moment to breathe and saw that I'd made Fluttershy cry and Spike back away behind a disappointed Starlight and Pinkie. That was when all the fight left me, and in its place I felt hollow and guilty.
That the nightmare had such a hold on me and my life sickened me, and I wanted nothing more than to be rid of the memories of it and that night in the cave... but no.
I couldn't just rid myself of those thoughts, and it was time I stopped running from them. I had already admitted to myself that I wanted to know more, yet I fled from the mystery like a scared little foal, giving up on proper sleep, letting my life fall to the wayside, and hurting the ones I loved.
No more, I thought.
This had gone on long enough, and it was time to face those fears. I began to feel the only way to do that, was to confront the source. I needed to do something, I needed answers, and for the sake of my sanity and those close to me, I needed to get to the bottom of this.
Even as I gave all my friends profuse apologies, I was already making plans for another trip into the Everfree Forest, alone. I wanted the rest of the girls to join me, but this was still something I felt I had to do on my own.
I didn't want them involved until I knew more about what I was dealing with, so in the meantime, I made my excuses about why I hadn't slept and decided to risk letting myself drift off into unconsciousness.
Oddly enough, there was no irrational fear, or terrible vision-like nightmares this time around. Surrounded by Spike, Starlight, Fluttershy, and Pinkie, I fell asleep without incident, though I was once more bereft of any kind of dreams whatsoever.
When I awoke, I found that the sun was high in the sky and the others were nowhere to be seen. Looking around, I noticed a letter had been left on my bedside stand, and upon reading I discovered I'd been left alone to sleep in. and sleep in I did.
It was almost afternoon by the time I'd gotten out of bed, but that didn't bother me like it normally would've. School was out for the day, and I had a trip to plan, so everything had worked out more or less the way I wanted.
I spent the rest of that day gathering what I'd need for my expedition, going so far as to purchase a journal specifically for the occasion. I'd planned to make this an extended investigation, and had intended to document my findings on the Tree of harmony and the thing that shared my likeness.
Once I'd gotten everything ready, I wrote down the events that had already transpired, including what happened in the Cave of Harmony, my vision, and the nightmare I'd had. The girls came to check on me just as I'd finished casting a few spells to protect my journal from the curious eyes of other ponies.
I informed the others I was feeling much better, which thankfully wasn't a lie, though I made sure to keep my impromptu trip under wraps and my supplies hidden. Spike and Starlight, who'd both gone out to give me some space, remained in the castle while the others left.
When they asked me what I'd done all day, I merely told them I'd been catching up on some reading I hadn't been able to do with how busy I was. That seemed to satisfy them, and they left me alone, though I could tell they wanted to say more, perhaps about the dream I still hadn't told them about.
Time passed and evening eventually gave way to night as Luna raised the moon. Both Spike and Starlight were set to turn in for the night, but not before checking on me one last time. I assured them there'd be no more sleepless nights and wished them a good night before heading back to my room.
I'd given Spike his own room in the castle at his insistence, and never was I more thankful that I had than now. Once I was alone, I cast a simple static illusion spell, creating an image of my own sleeping form. After a moment's thought I decided to go the extra mile and make it as life-like as possible.
Satisfied with my work, I pulled my supplies from within the closet where I'd hidden them behind several outfits Rarity had made for me over time. Saddlebags in place, I grabbed my journal and, with a magenta colored flash and a soft pop, I vanished from the room, making sure to reappear a good distance away from the castle.
The instant I was outside, I cast a cloaking spell and scanned the area to make sure nopony saw me. It may have been a bit much perhaps, but I wanted nopony to know where I was going and I didn't want to explain myself if I got caught.
Once I was sure there was nopony around, I took one last look back at my home before spreading my wings and taking off towards the Everfree Forest. Making my way through the forest at night was an incredibly foolish thing to do, and I was fully aware of that.
It was made all the more terrifying an experience given what I expected might happen, but the thing was that I wanted something to happen. I'd planned on it.
I had no deathwish by any means, and I was ready and willing to defend myself if necessary. Scared as I was though, this needed to be done, and now I felt, was the best time to do it. I swallowed my fear and mustered every ounce of determination I had as the forest came into view.
I would find out what this all meant one way or another, and if some malevolent force turned out to be the cause, my friends and I would do everything in our power to stop it, at least, that's what I told myself.
I was a foolish, foalish mare in the end.