“I can’t believe you!” Blossom ranted at me. “I was in the middle of a fight to defend your honor and you were gambling on the outcome!”
“Hey, I was gonna use the bits for your legal fund,” I offered in my own defense. “It’s a lucky thing that when the Guard came to break things up it was my cousin Lightning’s group.” Then again, odds were pretty good that any random group of guardponies would have a Kicker in their ranks. What can I say? The Kicker clan is pretty big, and aside from the occasional black sheep like me they’re all in the service.
“Is that all you have to say for yourself?” Blossom growled at me.
“Well, if it’s consolation I was betting on you. I was halfway tempted to put my bits on Fluttershy and ask you to take a dive, but I resisted that urge.”
Blossom glowered at me.
Maybe it was time for a bit of a change of subject. Blossom had displayed a nice bit of flank-kicking ability just a bit ago, and her ire was still up since she hadn’t gotten the chance to finish her fight with Fluttershy. Might not be a good idea to push her buttons too much. “Anyway, it doesn’t look like you took enough damage to need a trip to the hospital, but let’s get you over to Nurse Redheart and get those bumps and bruises fixed up.”
Blossom glared at me for a bit longer, but she couldn’t keep it up. “Fine,” she conceded with a weary sigh.
“For what it’s worth, that was a pretty good fight.” I reached up and rubbed a hoof over the back of my neck. “And – well – thanks for the whole ‘getting into a fight to defend my honor’ thing. I appreciate it.” I tossed a foreleg across her back “You’re a good friend.”
She winced, and I moved my hoof off of a patch of twisted fur. “No problem, so long as your thanks come with an ice pack.”
“I’m sure Redheart’s got something to patch you back up. If it’s any consolation, Fluttershy definitely got the worst of it.” I let out a halfhearted chuckle. “She’ll probably need to get an extension to fix all the damage you did to her tail.”
“That does make me feel a little bit better.” Blossom confessed with a guilty little grin.
“You know, if you’re gonna make a habit of getting into fights you really oughta let me train you up a bit. Don’t get me wrong, you did pretty good for somepony who’s never gotten into a real fight before, but if you wanna defend my honor on a regular basis we’ll need to teach you how to do it properly.” I smirked and mimed a few jabs in the air with my hooves. “After all, if you’re defending my honor other ponies are gonna judge me by how well you fight. I can’t just have any amateur handling this.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Blossom answered with a wry grin.
“I could teach you all kinds of cool stuff. Hoof-fu, Wing chun, whatever. We could start with grappling practice. I know you’d enjoy that. It’d give you a perfect excuse to get your hooves all over my hot body. I’ll even let you cop a feel or two.”
Blossom blushed and looked away from me, mumbling something unflattering about me under her breath. She always says the sweetest things.
The two of us trotted down the street, drawing a couple looks on account of how tousled Blossom looked. A couple of local ne’er do wells by the name of Sticks and Stones seemed like they were about to say something monumentally stupid, until I shot them a meaningful look. Back when Derpy first moved to Ponyville they’d given her some trouble. Once. After they got out of the hospital, they started avoiding me. Not sure why; I certainly didn’t have anything to do with the severe lightning burns they suffered.
Or at least, that’s what it said on the weather report. Sometimes a lightning cloud just goes rogue and happens to shock a couple ponies who totally deserve it. Repeatedly. Lightning clouds can do that. Rainbow Dash signed off on the report, so there could be no doubt in anypony’s mind what happened. It was all just an unfortunate accident.
Fortunately for us the two local punks weren’t the only ponies out on the streets. Lyra saw the two of us passing by, took one look at Blossom’s very disheveled condition, and immediately drew the wrong (though understandable) conclusion. The unicorn trotted up to us with a big grin on her face. “So you two finally went and did it, huh? And with gusto! You shoulda gone easy on her, Cloud Kicker. She’s a delicate Blossom.”
Lyra giggle-snorted at her own pun, but I figured some kind of explanation was needed. “You don’t understand Lyra.” Blossom let out a relieved little sigh. She should have known better. “I wanted to, but she wouldn’t let me. Every time I started slowing down a bit, she screamed at me to go faster and harder.” I grinned and draped a wing over Blossom.
Blossom immediately pulled away, and slugged me in the shoulder with a hoof for good measure. “Ow!” I whined. She hadn’t actually hit me all that hard, but I figured it was worth milking whatever sympathy I could manage. “That hurt. I think I need a kiss to make it all better.”
“Do you want me to hit you for real?” Blossom raised her hooves threateningly.
“Not until we work out a safe-word.”
Blossom let out a groan of frustration while Lyra laughed at her misery. “Well, I’ll let you two go back to whatever the hay it is you’re doing; Bon Bon’s waiting for me.” Lyra grimaced and added. “She was getting rid of some garbage when somepony went and dumped the whole cart right on top of her! Can you believe it?” After giving us a wave of her hoof Lyra trotted off to attend to her unfortunate fillyfriend.
I felt a brief pang of jealousy as I imagined the fun Lyra would have helping Bon Bon clean up and consoling her. Baths have so much potential for fun. Then again, last time I’d helped a pony clean up that way the mess was muffin batter, not actual garbage. That probably takes some of the fun out of it; I don’t even want to imagine the aftertaste that leaves behind.
A couple minutes later the two of us finally got to Redheart’s clinic. Fortunately for us, the nurse wasn’t too swamped. She tends to get all the ponies who were sick or hurt enough to need medical care, but not badly enough that they needed to go to the hospital.
Since there wasn’t much of a crowd we only had to wait a couple minutes for the nurse to see us. Blossom gave a couple quick flaps of her wings to get up on an examination table, and Redheart gave her a once-over. When she was done checking over Blossom’s war wounds the earth pony scowled in disapproval. “Who did you get into a fight with?”
“Fluttershy,” Blossom answered simply.
Redheart’s scowl deepened. “If you’re going to lie to me, at least make up something believable.” The nurse cast a suspicious glare in my direction. “You’re not responsible for this, are you Cloud Kicker?”
“Of course she’s not!” Blossom immediately snapped out.
“Might wanna be careful there nurse.” I chuckled and wrapped a wing around my friend. “Blossom got into that fight because she was defending my honor. She’s such a sweetheart sometimes.” I gave her a playful kiss on the forehead, then immediately dodged out of the way when she took a half-hearted swipe at me with one of her hooves.
“I don’t know why I bothered,” Blossom grumped at me. “See if I ever defend your honor again.”
I hit her with a playful pout. “Aw, don’t be like that Blossom. Will it make you feel better if I do the sexy dance?”
Blossom rubbed a foreleg under her chin thoughtfully. “I guess that depends. Will you come back within hoof-range while you do it?”
Ooo, fiesty! “So what you’re saying is you want to get your hooves all over me while I’m doing the sexy dance?”
“Only to leave bruises.” Blossom really was learning to dish it out, and getting better at taking it too. I was so proud.
Not that I was gonna go any easier on her because of that. “I never knew you liked it rough. Don’t worry, I’m down with that.”
For a second I thought I might have broken her, but despite the hint of a blush on her cheeks she wasn’t out of the fight yet. “I bet you are; everypony knows how much you like going down.”
I laughed and raised my hooves in surrender. I probably could’ve kept it going if I really wanted to, but after coming out with that line I figured Blossom deserved the win. Besides, I could always just beat her next time.
Redheart had been watching our back-and-forth with an amused little grin. “You two bicker like an old married couple.”
Okay, let’s revise that; Redheart just won the game. Blossom went bright crimson at that, and I felt what had to be my first blush in years that wasn’t alcohol-induced. “Geez nurse, breaking out the m-word on us is just playing dirty.”
“Just calling it like I see it,” the nurse commented idly before moving on to Blossom’s check-up. Blossom came out of it with a couple bandages and an ice-pack for what looked like a budding shiner, but that was the worst of it.
I went into my saddlebags to cover the bill, but Redheart waved me off. “No need to worry about that, somepony else covered your bill.”
I was briefly confused by that, until the nurse opened the door and waved Rarity in. The unicorn looked just a little guilty when she saw the damage her friend had done to Blossom. Redheart stepped out of the room to give us some privacy.
“I’m so terribly sorry about all of this,” The unicorn declared sympathetically. “It’s just that ever since Fluttershy took that assertiveness seminar from that awful monster Iron Will she’s been going out of control. Pinkie and I are going to go have a talk with her later; hopefully we can sort this all out.”
“Good luck, I’ve never seen her like that.” I’d spent enough time with Fluttershy to get a chance to see most of her moods. Shy, bashful, nervous, apprehensive, timid, and extraordinarily passive. Violent psychotic rage though ... that was new.
“Yes, well, I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t handle,” Rarity answered uncertainly. “In any case, it seems I owe you some sort of recompense for your horrid experience. Perhaps the two of you would like another trip to the spa?”
“Sounds good to me.” I answered with a grin. “Especially if this trip comes with another happy ending thrown in.”
“A – what?” Rarity stared at me like I’d just grown a horn and declared myself the new Princess of Equestria. “I beg your pardon?”
Rarity’s mouth open and closed a few times before she actually managed verbal speech. “Well, I suppose I should have been more specific when I asked the girls to do something special for you to make your stay at the spa memorable.” Her tone turned musing as she added. “Though I suppose that does explain why the twins were so uncomfortable when I asked, and said they would only do it because I’d been their best customer for years.”
Oh. Well, this just became awkward.
“Does this mean I’m a pimp now?” Rarity tossed the question into the air. “Goodness, I hope not! Have you seen the way they dress? Always so garish and tacky!” The unicorn gave a little shudder of horror.
“Pretty sure an unintentional one-time thing doesn’t make you a pimp Rarity,” I reassured her.
“Oh thank goodness,” the fashionista gasped in relief. “Well, if you’ll excuse me darlings, I do believe I need to have a breakdown now.” Rarity proceeded to calmly walk through the door with perfect ladylike poise.
After the door closed behind her we heard a loud, dramatic cry, “Oh Lotus! Aloe! What have I done? My foalishness has destroyed your precious innocence! Why? WHY?” Despite the shut door between us, Blossom and I could very clearly hear her loud histrionic sobs.
“Uh, Rarity?” Blossom called out uncertainly. “You do realize you just walked into the supply closet, don’t you?”
Several seconds of embarrassed silence followed. Finally Rarity came out of the closet, adjusted her mane, gave a tiny little ladylike cough to clear her throat, and then stepped through the other door. Then she started her dramatics over from the beginning.
Blossom and I shared a look. “All of the boss’ friends are crazy,” I opined.
“I thought you were friends with Rainbow Dash too.” Ouch. Blossom was right; I had kinda just burned myself too.
Blossom got up from the examination table and winced. “Careful there Blossom. Now that you sat down for couple minutes the adrenaline’s out of your system and you’re gonna start feeling all those bruises.”
Blossom took another step and winced again. “Yes, I noticed.”
“I’ll fly home with ya. Or you could just crash at my place if you want.” Redheart had said her wings hadn’t taken any damage, but even a minor pulled muscle can be a problem if you don’t know about it until you’re a hundred feet up.
“I think I’d rather go to my own home, if that’s alright with you.” Blossom sounded a little terser than usual, but I didn’t pay it any mind.
“Darn. Don’t suppose I could change your mind.” I hit her with a saucy grin. “My bed’s a lot warmer than yours.”
For some reason that didn’t get the usual blush out Blossom, or even some sort of snarky response. Instead, she looked a little annoyed with me. Not the fun kind of annoyed, the serious type.
The two of us took off towards her home in painful silence. I wasn’t quite sure why we’d gone from friendly banter to icy silence, until Blossom finally deigned to speak with me again. “So. Rarity mentioned a trip to the spa.”
“Yeah.” Well, at least now I had a decent idea what she was pissed at me about.
“She seemed to be under the impression that the two of us had gone to the spa together,” Blossom answered in an icily brittle tone that had alarm bells going off in my head.
Time to head this one off before it blew up in my face. “Yeah, well, I couldn’t exactly tell her that I cut you out of the payment because you got drunk and tried to teach her little sister about the facts of life, now could I?”
For a second I thought that had effectively ended the argument before it began. I’ve always been a bit foolishly optimistic. “Fair enough. So who did you take in my place?” From the look on her face, she already had a pretty good idea what the answer would be.
I briefly considered fibbing. Technically Cheerilee had gone to spa with me too, so it wasn’t really a lie if I told her I’d gone with Cheerilee. It wasn’t exactly honest though, and the lie wouldn’t hold up to any kind of scrutiny. Sometimes being an honest pony has its downsides. “Derpy.” I braced myself for the oncoming storm.
“Derpy.” Blossom said the name flatly. It was right about then that it hit me. I had screwed up bad on this one. Dammit, I had known Blossom was feeling a little antsy about being replaced by Derpy. I guess I couldn’t really blame her; I’d gone from having one really close friend to having two of them, one of whom I was banging. It would be easy for a pony to start feeling like they were second best under those circumstances.
It looked like Mount Blossomforth was fixing to erupt on me. "I don't know if I should be angrier that you took her in my place or that you cheated on her while you were there."
“Hey, I did not cheat on Derpy!” Blossom glared at me for several long seconds, until I clarified. “I asked her if it was okay if I banged the twins first, and she was fine with it.”
“I imagine she did. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.” Blossom sighed. “When somepony new comes along, do you ever stop to think about who you’re pushing away to make room for them?”
Good thing I’m fluent in metaphor and subtext. I went and landed on an open cloud. “Blossom, sweetie.” I moved in for a hug, which she very stiffly returned. “You’ll always be my number one friend. Nopony could ever replace you, got it?”
“Derpy did,” Blossom bitterly grumbled into my chest.
“No.” I brought a hoof up to stroke her mane. “No she didn’t. She didn’t just ‘come along’, Blossom. Remember, I know her all the way back from Flight Camp. If anything, I made room for you when you became my friend.” I brought a hoof up under her chin and tipped it up so she could look me in the eyes. “Hey, if nothing else, I can tell you that Derpy never got into a fight with anypony for my sake.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. No matter what happens, you’ll always be the first pony who ever kicked flank to defend me, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” Blossom smiled, and hugged me again.
I grinned and hugged her back. The two of us just sat on that cloud and held each other for a minute.
“Hey, if it’ll make you feel better I can start banging you too.”
“Cloud Kicker?” Blossom mumbled.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t spoil the moment.”
“Blossomforth, Cloud Kicker, I need to talk to you two. Come by my place after work.”
Something about the way the boss said that got me worried. It’s almost always a bad sign when your boss says she needs to talk to you like that. Well, it could just be assistant manager stuff, but the way she’d said it sounded too authoritative. When it was just normal work stuff she said it like she would say anything else. This time though, she said it like she was the boss talking to her employees. That worried me.
I had a pretty good idea what this was all about. There was a fairly obvious event a couple days back that would make the boss wanna talk to us.
Sure enough, when we got to Rainbow’s house there were two other pegasi waiting for us. The instant Blossom and I walked in the boss slammed the door shut and plopped a thick cloud into place over it. “Alright, here’s the deal.” The boss announced. “There’s only one door out, and I’ve just blocked it off. Nopony is leaving until we get the whole thing between Cloud Kicker and Fluttershy settled, got it?”
Fluttershy let out a terrified squeak, while Derpy nodded in agreement with the boss. Blossom just seemed a little confused, but I guess she was a bit of an outsider here. She didn’t even spend all that much time glaring at Derpy.
“Hey, I appreciate the effort and all boss, but there is a pretty obvious problem with that plan.” I stuck a hoof through one of her walls to demonstrate. “We’re not exactly trapped in here.”
“Yeah, but if anypony tries to make a run for it I’ll chase you down.” Rainbow countered with a confident smirk. “Everypony knows I’m the best flier in the room – hay, I’m the best flier in all of Equestria. Anypony who thinks they can get away from me is welcome to try.”
Nopony tried to dispute her claim. Once RD was sure she’d made her point she plopped down onto her puff of cloud.
“So, this is good, right?” Blossom whispered to me. “You and Fluttershy can finally settle things.”
“I’m not so optimistic,” I confessed. “This is the third time the boss has tried something like this since we moved to Ponyville. Then again, the second time was going alright until Derpy threw up on Fluttershy.”
“Are things really that bad between the two of you?” Blossom asked.
I shook my head. “That was back when Derpy was pregnant with Dinky. It wasn’t anything worse than morning sickness, but it did kind of kill the mood.”
“Alright, first things first!” Rainbow declared, leveling a hoof at Fluttershy and drawing another frightened squeak from pegasus. “You owe Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker an apology.”
“Rainbow.” Derpy said the boss’ name with just a hint of warning. The boss caught the hint, and toned it down a notch. That had always been Rainbow Dash’s problem when it came to playing mediator for Fluttershy and me. Passion and directness weren’t very good traits for someone who needed to be a neutral third party moderator. That was why her first try at making me and Fluttershy patch things up had been a total disaster.
Still, the boss had a point. Fluttershy had been seriously out of sorts, but she’d still said some pretty nasty things to me and not all the bruises she’d left on Blossom had faded yet. Granted, Fluttershy still had a couple battle injuries of her own, so that balanced the scales a bit.
Fluttershy looked back and forth between me and Blossom, terror in her eyes. I was starting to wonder if the boss had made a big mistake bringing us together this soon after the fight. Fluttershy had a habit of blaming herself for things. She’d even blamed herself when Derpy threw up on her the last time we tried this. Now that she was in a situation where, in all fairness, she’d messed up pretty badly...
“Look, we can handle the apologies later boss.” I sighed. “Besides, if we’re gonna go digging back into the old days it’s not like she’s the only one who has anything to apologize for.”
“No,” Fluttershy whimpered. “That’s not true.”
Huh?
“It’s just like what happened last time.” Oh horseapples, she was already starting to cry. “I’m a horrible friend. All I ever end up doing is hurting you.”
“Oh come on Fluttershy!” A second later I felt a stab of guilt for snapping at her and pulled my tone back. “We both know that’s not true. Everypony made mistakes back then.”
Fluttershy shook her head in an odd display of resolute depression. “No, Cloud Kicker. What happened to me a couple days ago taught me a lot of things. Not just about learning to stand up for myself, but also about responsibility. I said horrible things to Rarity and Pinkie Pie. They forgave me, and tried to tell me none of it was my fault. That I only said those things because of Iron Will.
“But they were wrong. Maybe Iron Will’s advice was bad, but it doesn’t change the fact that I said those things. Nopony made me. If I’m going to learn to stand up for myself, I also have to learn to accept responsibility for the bad things I’ve done.” Fluttershy sighed and tried to hide behind her mane for a moment, before consciously brushing it out of her eyes and meeting my gaze. “I’m not going to let you take the blame for something that was my fault.”
“Aw c’mon Fluttershy, I messed up too!” Rainbow cut in. “Things only got all out of control because I didn’t stop to listen before I got mad and went after Cloud Kicker.”
“But you only got mad because of what I told you,” Fluttershy countered. “So you see, it’s still my fault.” Fluttershy let a couple tears fall out of her eyes. “Everything is. And that’s why I’m not going to bother you anymore Cloud Kicker. Because every time I try to talk to you, I just make things worse.”
Fluttershy started sinking through Rainbow’s floor, but didn’t get more than halfway down before Rainbow Dash grabbed her by the tail. Normally that would have stopped her, but Fluttershy’s tail was still missing a chunk of hair from the last pony who sank her teeth into it. Fluttershy made her getaway, and Rainbow Dash was about to zoom off after her when Derpy put a restraining hoof on the boss’ shoulder. “Rainbow, maybe it would be better if I talked to her instead.”
I nodded in agreement. Whatever was going on with Fluttershy, it would probably take a delicate touch to handle. Nopony ever accused the boss of being good at the whole sensitivity thing.
The boss silently nodded, and sighed as she watched Derpy go after Fluttershy.
I groaned and sank down onto a puff off a cloud. “So. That went well.”
“Yeah, fantastic.” The boss groused as she took out her pent up anger on the floor-cloud Fluttershy had sunk through.
I felt a wing over my back, and leaned appreciatively into the hug Blossom was offering. After that disaster I needed a good hug. “Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?”
“Not unless you know anypony who can change the past.” I sighed.
Eventually Rainbow Dash smashed enough holes in her floor to release most of her pent-up frustration, at least for the moment. After that, the three of us lapsed into a long painful silence as we waited for Derpy and Fluttershy to come back. When it had been more than half an hour, Rainbow finally spoke up.
“I don’t think they’re gonna be back today.” The boss sighed. “Sorry it didn’t work out.”
Blossom and I were about to leave when she called out to us. “Um, there’s actually some weather stuff we need to deal with, as long I’ve got you two here. You guys know the annual Equestrian Weather Conference is coming up in a couple days, right?”
“Yeah.” At this point, I wouldn’t complain about anything that could take my mind off the Fluttershy problem.
Anypony who does weather work knows about the annual conferences where all the bosses get together in Cloudsdale and spend the day hobnobbing with each other. Supposedly, the point of it all is for everypony to get together and swap ideas and techniques to improve the weather service for all of Equestria. I’m pretty sure the reality is that all the bosses just like having an excuse to have a couple days of vacation time. Doesn’t hurt that since it’s a work conference, they can take all their expenses out of the weather budget instead of paying for everything themselves.
Well, the boss deserved a bit of a break after everything she had to put up with. “Have fun; Blossom and I will keep the weather going while you’re gone.”
The boss shook her head. “I’m not goin’. Twilight got some kind of warning from the future about something bad that’s gonna happen, so she wants me to help disaster-proof Equestria. I’m gonna be busy with that, so I need somepony to go to the conference for me.”
I was pleasantly surprised when the boss turned to me. “Cloud Kicker, you’ve got family in Cloudsdale, right?”
“Yeah, my great-uncle Thunder lives there.”
“I thought Thunder Kicker was one of Celestia’s bodyguards?” The boss frowned at me.
“No, you’re thinking of my second cousin. Same name, different pony.” One of the downsides of having a large extended family. It probably doesn’t help that there are only so many names you can put on a pony that fit nicely with the requisite ‘Kicker’ ending. Well, not everypony in the family has to have a Kicker name, but it’s the standard tradition.
“Whatever.” Rainbow waved a hoof dismissively. “Anyway, if you’ve got family up in Cloudsdale you can stay with them. Saves us money.”
Darn, I’d been looking forward to staying in a five star hotel on the weather team’s bits. Oh well.
“Plus,” the boss continued, “You’ve got all those family connections. Personally I’ve always thought the whole family name thing is silly, but some ponies still get all worked up about the old Pegasus clans.”
I shrugged in helpless agreement. It might be silly, but there are some ponies who give a flying feather whether your family history goes back a thousand years or you’re a first-generation pegasus born to earth pony parents.
“So what’s the plan boss? Just make nice with the bosses, kiss a couple flanks, and try to get us a bigger budget?”
“Actually, last time I checked our budget was doing fine.” Blossom cut in.
Rainbow and I shared a chuckle at her naivete. “First rule of dealing with any kind of bureaucracy. You always need more money. If you’re not constantly asking for a bigger budget, somepony starts thinking you’ve already got more bits than you need and cuts your funds.”
“Besides,” the boss added. “A bigger budget means pay raises, or I can hire more regulars to spread the work around.” Gotta agree with her there; getting paid more or not having to work quite as hard sounded nice.
“The budget stuff is small potatoes though,” the boss declared. “I got something really big I want you to set up.” The boss closed in and dropped her voice down to a conspiratorial whisper. “Cloudsdale is gonna need its water supply replenished soon. I want us to get Tornado Duty this time. I don’t care nearly as much about some extra bits as I do about making that happen.”
Well, the boss wasn’t lacking for ambition. “Can we even manage Tornado Duty?” Blossom asked uncertainly. “That takes a lot of pegasi, and Ponyville’s weather team is pretty small...”
“Yeah, we’re gonna have to draft pretty much everything with wings,” the boss admitted. “But I crunched the numbers – and had Twilight double-check them just to be sure – and not only can we pull it off, we’ve got a shot at breaking the record.”
Well, that explained the boss’ sudden interest in bringing extra work down on our heads. Rainbow Dash never could resist a chance to show off. Probably didn’t hurt in the slightest that one of the Wonderbolts was usually in charge of supervising Tornado Duty. The boss couldn’t ask for a better audience.
“Might wanna give me a copy of the math, just to prove we can pull it off if anypony objects.” As long as we could prove we were up to the challenge, it shouldn’t be too hard to grab Tornado Duty. It was a lot of extra work, and even the big weather teams in cities like Manehatten, Fillydelphia, and Canterlot didn’t have enough regulars to pull it off.
Pulling in random untrained pegasi for weather duty was always a pain in the flank. On top of the obvious need for a crash course in weather management, there was the fact that regardless of what the law said most pegasi didn’t like being dragged away from their daily lives and put to work pushing clouds. Few things are more aggravating than dealing with a bunch of untrained ponies who don’t really want to be there in the first place.
Not that the boss would let a few little details like that get in the way of her big goal. Besides, getting Ponyville added to Tornado Duty rotation would probably net us a budget increase anyway. If nothing else, we’d need the extra bits to compensate all the ponies the boss would be drafting. Making ponies push clouds would ruffle enough feathers as it was; making them do it for free would leave us with a passel of pissed pegasi.
“Oh yeah, there’s one other thing,” Rainbow added. “Princess Luna’s gonna be in Cloudsdale doing some kinda state visit. She might stop in to check on the whole weather meeting thing, so don’t do anything that’s gonna make us look bad.”
“No embarrassing you by proxy in front of royalty. Got it.”
“Wait, Princess Luna’s going to be visiting Cloudsdale?” Blossom looked over at me and frowned. “Um – what about –” Blossom cut herself off with a facehoof and sighed. “I forgot, I’m talking to two ponies who slept through all their history classes. Anyway, Cloud Kicker’s family was one of the only pegasus clans didn’t join the Lunar Rebellion. Do you really think sending her is a good idea? I know it was nine hundred years ago, but Cloudsdale was where the rebellion started, and if Luna’s visiting it might stir things up.”
The boss shot that objection down. “Blossomforth, nopony cares about stuff that happened hundreds of years ago.”
“Well, my family does still like to brag about how we were one of the loyal few, so some ponies probably do still care about ancient history,” I conceded. “But nopony takes it very seriously. After all, Derpy and I always got along just fine even though her family was one of the ringleaders of the whole rebellion. Nopony’s gonna get all worked up about what our great-great-great-great-add about thirty more greats grandmothers were doing. Besides, now that Luna’s back she’d stomp on any of that stupidity in an instant.”
Blossom still didn’t look entirely reassured, so I broke out the trump card. “If you’re really that worried, I can always see about taking Derpy with me to Cloudsdale. Having a Doo around would be enough to deter anypony who really wants to make a big deal out all that stuff.”
It was a bit of a dirty move to bring up Derpy, but it worked. Blossom wasted no time in changing her position. “On the other hoof, I’m sure it won’t be that much of a problem”
Rainbow and I shared a look and smirked at Blossom’s reaction. The girl really needed to work on those jealousy issues. Even the talk we’d had the other day could only do so much. “Anyway Blossom, if I’m gonna be out of town for a couple days I’ll need somepony to keep an eye on ‘lula for me. I can count on you, right?”
That caught Blossom off guard, considering how well her last foray into foalsitting had gone. “Are you sure about that Cloud Kicker? I mean, after–”
I cut her off right there. “If I wanted somepony else to handle it I would’ve asked them. There’s nopony I think could do a better job of taking care of my little sister.”
Blossom gave a happy little grin when I told her that, which had been the entire point. Derpy would’ve been the obvious choice; she had plenty of experience with fillies after all. Given Blossom’s recent worries, I figured making a point of picking her over Derpy for something important would help.
“Why not me?” Oh right, the boss was in the room too. She crossed her forelegs over her chest and pouted. “I’m totally awesome with colts and fillies.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you are boss. The problem is, I don't want 'lula to come home and start using the words 'awesome,' 'cool,' and 'radical' in every sentence.”
Rainbow Dash scowled and stuck her tongue out at me, but she couldn't keep up the fake anger for long. Soon all three of us were laughing. After what had happened with Fluttershy, it felt good to have a little bit of fun.
Once we settled down a bit, the boss had one last thing to say. “By the way Cloud Kicker, I heard you and Derpy hooked up.” Uh oh. Rainbow did tend to get just a little defensive of her friends when it came to me. Let’s hope this wasn’t going to be a problem...
“Good on ya.” Rainbow Dash grinned at me and slapped me on the back. Whew, crisis averted. “She seems really happy.”
“I do tend to have that effect on ponies,” I shot right back with a cheeky grin.
“Yeah yeah.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Still a little surprised to hear about it; I was sure Derpy’s barn door didn’t swing that way.”
I chuckled a brushed a hoof against my chest. “Hey, she might be straight most of the time, but everypony is Cloud Kicker-sexual.”
“I’m not,” Blossom immediately declared.
“Yeah, I’m not either,” Rainbow Dash agreed.
I put on my best pout-face. “Aw, boss, Pinkie and I had something special planned for your birthday. I was gonna pop out of the cake and everything!”
“Cloud Kicker!” Blossom cried out indignantly.
“Hey, you’re welcome to join in Blossom.” I smirked and casually brushed a wing across her back. “There’s always room for one more. You can be sort of like the cream filling in the donut.”
“Eep!” Blossom might be getting a thicker skin, but being in front of her boss made it a little easier to get to her.
Rainbow just laughed her flank off at the two of us, and started gently ushering us to the door. “You girls are crazy. I’ll see you later, alright?” Blossom and I were halfway out the door when the boss offered a couple final words. “By the way, Cloud Kicker: you feather this up with Derpy and I’ll kill you.”
The boss didn’t even give me a chance to answer before shutting the door in my face. Well, I could just poke my head through the clouds to do it, but sticking your head through somepony’s wall is just rude.
“Um – she wasn’t serious about that, was she?” Blossom looked just a little bit worried.
“Personally, I’m not gonna put it to the test.”
The weather conference was every bit as boring and uneventful as I’d expected it to be. Most of the time was spent going to seminars and listening to boring speeches about how some new technique somepony came up with could lead to a 2% increase in productivity.
In my defense, I paid a lot more attention to all that stuff than the boss would’ve if she were here. After all, the information itself was legitimately useful; it’s just all the packaging it came in that was mind-numbingly boring. Nopony should need to host a three hour long seminar to convey thirty seconds worth of information.
I did get some use out of the whole thing at least. One of the many topics of gossip and speculation for most of the ponies there was the boss herself. The near-universal consensus among the ponies there was that the boss was going places. She was one of the youngest weather managers in the history of the service, not to mention everything she'd done for the Princess as part of the whole Elements of Harmony thing.
The current weather boss was no spring chicken. There were lots of ponies saying that once he retired the new head honcho should be somepony young, energetic, passionate. Somepony who could shake things up.
Rainbow Dash being put in charge of all of Equestria’s weather. There’s a scary thought.
I couldn’t really see it happening though. Moving up the food chain would mean a desk job, and that wasn’t the boss’ style. She would want to be out in the field doing stuff. Not that I disagreed the boss was going places, but I didn’t see her making the jump to upper management. More likely, she’d be leaving the weather service entirely to sign on with the Wonderbolts.
Turns out the boss had done my career a pretty big favor by sending me in her place. Since everypony was convinced she was moving up in the world, the question of who would take over for her in Ponyville naturally came up. And now here I was, sent in her place to attend one of the bigger events in the weather community. It gave me a chance to get my hoof in the door, not to mention making a lot of ponies think I was RD’s choice to replace her. I didn’t really try to dissuade anypony from believing that.
Snagging Tornado Duty for Ponyville didn’t hurt. It was exactly the kind of thing everypony expected out of Rainbow Dash; bold, daring, and pushing the limits of what ponies could do with weather work. Since I was the one who actually sold the idea, I got some of the credit in the eyes of the bureaucracy. So when everything went well, my stock goes up along with my job prospects.
The boss might not want a desk job, but I would be just fine with one.
After a couple days of playing office politics, I was in the mood for a bit of relaxation time. One downside of living in a small town like Ponyville was a fairly dull and uneventful nightlife. Cloudsdale, on the other hoof, had a nice selection of nightclubs to choose from. Also unlike Ponyville, Cloudsdale was big enough that a single pony could blend in and just be another face in the crowd. In other words, I could afford to get a little wilder than usual and not worry about anypony tut-tutting at me afterwards.
Of course, my profusions of options did leave me with one rather difficult choice on my hooves. In Ponyville, a pony just went to one of the cafes or bars and grabbed whatever was available, but in Cloudsdale things were a bit more organized. Instead of everypony mixing up together, you had establishments that catered to specific tastes. It was kind of a necessity in a big city where you couldn’t know most everypony’s preferences. A straight bar would get me plenty of stallions, but if I wanted to bang a mare I needed to hit a fillyfooler bar. And if I wanted something a bit more exotic ... well there were places for that too.
I’ve never been all that fond of limiting my options, so the best course would be hit all the bars and clubs in sequence. With a little work, I might be able to set up some kind of group as I moved along. It had been far too long since I’d had a proper orgy.
I decided to hit a fillyfooler bar first. Maybe I could find those twins I ran into during the Best Young Fliers competition. Twins are always a good place to start. Sadly, the first bar I hit had not a sign of them. I was having some reasonable success chatting up some other mares though, and the cider was good enough to get me pleasantly buzzed.
Just when things started going nicely, it all went to Tartarus.
“Hey, this bar is awesome!” I groaned when I heard the voice of one the three stupidest ponies I’d ever met in my life.
“Yeah!” Idiot #2 chimed in. “We’re, like, the only stallions in the entire place!”
Oh Celestia, not these three. They’d annoyed me all through Flight Camp, and now five seconds after running into them for the first time in years they were already getting on my nerves again. “That’s because it’s a fillyfooler bar, you dumb mules.” I turned to pega-mule next to me. “No offense.”
“None taken,” she answered reasonably.
Unfortunately for me, insulting them just got their attention. Even worse, despite their utter lack of anything resembling intelligence, they recognized me. “Hey, Cloud Kicker! Been a long time!”
“Not long enough,” I growled under my breath. Well, it was too late to pretend I didn’t know them. Maybe I could get them to go away if acknowledge their existence. “Billy. Hoops. Score.” Or as I personally preferred to think of them, ‘Bully, Idiot, and Moron.’ “Still beating up fillies for their lunch money?”
“Nah. You still spreading for anything with hooves?” Billy, who was the leader by virtue of being the only one who had two brain cells to rub together, did his best to insult me.
“Nah, I don’t believe in limiting myself; dragons and griffins need love too.” I downed the rest of my cider, and signaled the bartender for a refill. “So why are you here, and what do I have to do to make you go away?”
“Well maybe we don’t wanna go away.” Billy did his best to swagger, and somehow managed to make himself look like even more of an idiot. His cutie mark is a dumbbell for a reason.
“You really do; mares don’t like it when stallions show up in fillyfooler bars. Especially not morons like you three.” It was too bad this place didn’t have a bouncer, or these three never would’ve gotten through the front door.
“Whatever.” Billy plopped down into the seat next to me, blithely ignoring the poisonous glare he was getting from the bartender. “Besides, you’re not a real fillyfooler, so you don’t count.”
The bartender passed me a fresh mug of cider and pointedly ignored Billy’s attempt to order a drink. I briefly considered dumping my drink on Billy’s head, but that would be a waste of perfectly good booze.
“So where’s your friends?” Billy demanded. “Rainbow Crash, Klutzershy, and that cross-eyed retard? I figure between the four of you me and my buddies can have some fun.”
Was he really that stupid? Wait, why was I even asking, of course he was that stupid. I set down my cider and started planning out exactly what I was going to do to the three of them. I could handle them being jerks to me, but once they brought my friends into it...
“Her name is Derpy,” I corrected in an even tone. “And for your information, I’m seeing her.”
“C’mon Kicky,” Billy said to me. “Bring her along too, we can still have some fun; I’m stallion enough to take care of both of you.” I spotted his hoof moving none-too-subtly towards my flank.
Okay, that was enough of that.
My back leg shot out, passing right through the cloud I was sitting on to make a solid impact with his ribs; at the same time, I flared my wings and hit him in the throat with enough force to make him wheeze. He collapsed behind me with a gurgle.
Three-to-one odds are pretty hard for anypony to face, even one who has a couple years of combat training under her saddle. In a three-on-one fight, any enemies with half a brain will flank you, have their buddies try to hit you from a blind spot, and coordinate attacks so that there’s no way you could block or dodge everything.
Lucky for me, the idiot trio didn’t have half a brain between them.
Hoops and Score got over the initial shock faster than I thought they would, and they tried to double-team me with a tackle. Under other circumstances, this would have been the lead-up to a lot of fun. Kind of a waste, really. I was able to dodge Hoops, but Score got a grip on me and we both tumbled to the ground. Not wanting to lose the advantage, I slammed my hoof into his cheek and twisted, using the edge of my hoof to score a deep cut just below his eye, and he jerked back and tried to roll away. I could’ve blinded him if I really wanted to, but these guys hadn’t pissed me off quite that much. Yet.
That didn’t mean I was going to let them off easy, though; I clapped my hooves over his ears with enough force to leave them ringing, and he struggled to reorient himself. A swift buck to the groin put an end to his desire to cause any trouble. By this time, Hoops was coming around for another shot at me, and I had to act fast if I was going to keep my edge.
Acting fast would’ve been a little easier if I hadn’t had quite so much cider before the fight started. I hadn’t had enough to turn me into an uncoordinated mess, but I was definitely not working at a hundred percent either. Losing a bit of your edge never does a pony any favors in a fight; it was a good thing Krav Pega didn’t rely on a lot of those precise little moves like some of the fancier types of unarmed combat, or I might have been in serious trouble.
I got to my hooves as quickly as I could, but he got in a few good jabs that would make some spectacular bruises the next morning. I grunted and tried to roll with the punches, but he had enough muscle that even a glancing hit was still pretty nasty. Stupid meathead. At least he wasn’t hitting me anywhere that really mattered.
I switched tactics and grabbed his hoof as he took another shot at me, hugging it close to my body as I rolled to the right. Unfortunately for him, his foreleg was meant to bend to the left, and I used the momentum from his attack to introduce his face to the counter. He left a nasty dent in the tightly packed clouds, and since the counter had a couple of bottles on it he got a face-full of glass as well.
I’d’ve thought that with both his buddies down for the count, Billy would take a hint. With Hoops unconscious and Score still curled up in a whimpering ball of agony the odds had decidedly evened out. Billy was back on all fours, gingerly rubbing his throat and glaring daggers at me. Our scuffle had cleared most of the tables around us, with the patrons who hadn’t fled the club were cheering me on. Always nice to have an audience, especially when they’re on my side.
“You really should just go,” I told him. “Take your buddies and leave before–”
He threw a half-empty glass at me. And here I was trying to be nice. As I dodged the halfheartedly thrown drink Billy closed the gap with surprising speed, wings flared as he came at me. It’s almost like he was eager for me to kick his flank some more. Maybe he’s into that kind of thing. Ew.
Fun fact: pegasi wings are really sensitive. They have to be, to detect and adjust to minor changes in air pressure while we’re flying. This sensitivity is a double-edged sword: on the one hoof, wing-play makes for some amazing fun in the bedroom, but on the other hoof even a minor wing-related injury can be excruciating. I almost felt bad for Billy. I launched myself into the air over him, bit down on one of his wings and pulled it in the opposite direction as hard as I could. It came out of socket with a satisfying pop, and Billy’s voice rose several octaves as he screamed in pain.
I looked down at the three thoroughly battered bullies and put some thought into what exactly to do with them. First things first, they owed some ponies apologies.
Since Billy was still the lead dumbass, I started with him. I hovered over him and dropped my voice to a menacing snarl. “Alright, this is what’s gonna to happen. Tomorrow morning, you’re gonna have Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber fly your crippled flank down to Ponyville. Then you’re going to go to Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Derpy, and you’re going to apologize to them. No, not just apologize, you are going to beg them for forgiveness. You understand me?”
“Go feather yourself! Soon as I’m healed me and the boys will go find the retard and teach her a lesson!”
Billy never was very bright.
“You must have a hearing problem.” I lashed out with my forehooves and smacked Billy across the face enough times to leave him with a very nice collection of developing bruises. For the next couple weeks, I wanted him to remember the consequences of pissing me off every single time he looked in the mirror. “I already told you: her name is Derpy.” I tossed in one last hit that broke his nose.
With idiots like these three you had to smack them down hard enough to make sure they never get back up again. Otherwise, they’ll just keep causing trouble once their injuries heal. I didn’t want to just stop them for tonight, I wanted to break them of bullying me, my friends, or anypony else. Permanently. The only things that get through tiny little brains like Billy’s are pain and fear.
I turned to his two even stupider sidekicks and started back from the top. “Alright, here’s what’s going to happen–”
“Yeah, no problem Cloud Kicker!” Hoops hastily declared.
“Whatever you say!” Score agreed.
“Smart. I don’t think I need to tell you what’s gonna happen if I catch you two causing trouble for anypony else ever again, do I?” The two bullies immediately shook their heads. “Good. I’m glad we had this talk.” I turned to the bartender. “Do you girls have a dumpster or something? I’ve got some trash to take out.”
“We’re going, we’re going!” Hoops whimpered, pulling himself up into a hover to avoid putting any weight on his injured leg. Between the nasty crack to the head and the dozens of small cuts on his face, he seemed to be having some trouble just staying level in the air.
Score staggered drunkenly to his hooves, his tail very carefully tucked between his legs as he did his best to help Billy out of the place. The crowd parted to let them out, but nopony seemed remotely inclined to lend a helping hoof.
Just when I was sure the whole mess had been resolved and I get back to having a pleasant night on the town a loud authoritative voice rang out from the doorway. “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?”
There’s only one pony I’ve ever met who has that rather distinctive delivery. The fact that everypony else in the bar was hastily dropping into a bow pretty much confirmed it. Rainbow Dash had mentioned that Princess Luna was in the city; I guess she must have noticed the loud violent bar brawl. Those things do tend to draw attention.
Lucky for me, the crowd was thoroughly on my side. Even the mares who weren’t close enough to overhear Billy and his goons talking themselves into some thoroughly deserved pain had seen enough to take a reasonable guess at what had happened. When a stallion walks into a fillyfooler bar and starts crudely hitting on one of the mares, he pretty thoroughly alienates everypony there. If I hadn’t had the situation well in-hoof I probably would have gotten help from the crowd.
Between the booze and the leftover adrenaline from the fight I was feeling pretty good about myself right now. Good enough to not be remotely intimidated by having one of the Princesses of Equestria here.
I admit, the last time I’d had a run-in with Luna we’d started off on the wrong hoof. You can’t really blame me though; at the time just about everypony still thought she hadn’t gotten over the whole Nightmare Moon thing. If Nightmare Moon came up to you, took off her robe, popped a huge wingie, and smiled at you then you’d be just a bit freaked out too.
Come to think of it, that might have been a bit of a huge missed opportunity on my part. By the time I’d figured out that Luna wasn’t going for the queen of evil thing anymore the chance to see if she’d been coming on to me was lost. Besides, hitting on her when she was being all cute and socially awkward and just starting to adapt might have messed things up. She needed Nightmare Night to go well for her a lot more than I needed the bragging rights of banging a Princess.
This wasn’t Nightmare Night anymore. “Hey Princess Luna.” I grinned and waved. “It’s me, Cloud Kicker. From Ponyville, remember?”
The Princess frowned at me for a moment, but I saw the spark of recognition in her eyes. “Ah, yes. I recall meeting thee. Thou art the daughter of Lieutenant Commander Tornado Kicker and Captain Nimbus Gust, yes?”
“Yeah, that’s my mom and dad.” Guess it figures the Princess would know my parents. Dad spent most of his time stuck in Canterlot ever since he’d hit Lt. Commander a couple years ago. Probably one of the things that caused all the trouble between him and Mom.
Luna nodded and looked me over, then surveyed the collateral damage the club had taken from our fight. “Pray tell, what transpired here?”
“Those three jerks said some very nasty things and didn’t know how to take no for an answer.” When in doubt, keep your story simple. “I was just defending myself.” Sure, I’d technically thrown the first punch, but when a pony takes a grab at your flank knocking him silly is still self-defense in my book. Besides, it was three-on-one; if I’d waited for them to start the fight at a time of their choosing I would’ve been in a tight spot. It doesn’t take brains to have two ponies grab your legs and wings while the third one wails on you.
Luna looked over the bar again, and I was a bit relieved when I saw several mares in the audience nodding in agreement. Always a relief to know I wasn’t gonna get in too much trouble for beating up some jerks.
“We concur that thou wert within thy rights to defend thyself.” Luna raised her voice for the declaration, though thankfully she spared us another dose of the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice.
“Now that the matter is resolved, we – I am pleased to welcome one of my dear friends from Ponyville.” Then Luna did something that caught me really off guard and gave me a casual little nuzzle.
Looks like I was getting a second chance at this after all. The orgy plan was going out the window; I had a Princess flirting with me. “Hey, can I buy you a drink Princess Luna?” Sure, buying a drink for a Princess was a bit silly considering how insanely wealthy she was, not to mention that most bars wouldn’t even dare to charge her in the first place, but it was the thought that counted.
That offer set off a round of surprised muttering amongst the crowd. Those whispers were nothing compared to what happened when Luna smiled and answered, “I would be most pleased to accept your offer.”
Even if I didn’t end up sealing the deal, I had just scored a date with a Princess. Not even one of the lesser royals like Blueblood or Cadenza, but one of the two Royal Sisters. That’s the kind of things rumors and legends are born from.
Too bad marriage isn’t my thing. If I could somehow manage to leverage this into a long-term thing, it would be pretty insane. I mean, the Kickers had gotten close-ish to being royalty with Shadow Kicker; considering how much my family went ga-ga over her, I could safely say goodbye to my parents ever complaining about me not doing enough with my life if I actually pulled it off with Luna. That would give ‘lula a tough act to follow, though.
I got two mugs of the most expensive cider they had and was vaguely relieved when my earlier guess about nopony daring to charge Luna proved true. The really good stuff was a bit on the expensive side.
I brought the drinks over to Luna and was slightly amazed when she downed the entire mug of cider in a single gulp. Not to be outdone, I followed her example. “A most excellent vintage!” The Princess declared happily. “Another!”
As the bartender nervously filled our drinks back up, I felt a brief twinge of sympathy for Luna’s guards. The premium stuff was genuine aged Apple-family brew, which is a terrible thing to miss out on. The Guard has pretty strict rules about not drinking on duty though, especially when escorting the Princess.
Three mugs later, I was starting to feel just a little tipsy. The high-quality cider had a bit more kick to it, not to mention that I’d already been buzzed before we even got started. It didn’t seem to be having any effect on Luna, which just seemed horribly unfair. Must be one of those alicorn perks.
Normally I would’ve stopped drinking by this point. I’m all for a little social lubrication (among other kinds), but getting up to Blossomforth levels of hammered is a recipe for trouble. Not to mention that the hangovers get real nasty, as Blossom also demonstrated. However, when a Princess buys you a cider, you drink the cider.
If I wanted to seal the deal and actually be able to remember doing it, I probably needed to go from casual chatter to something a bit more ... straightforward. “So, Princess Luna?” The alicorn turned to me with a polite little smile. “Care to show me your moon?”
Okay, that sounded a lot wittier in my head than when I said out loud. Did I mention that I was a little drunk?
Luna frowned at me. “Thou need but go outside to gaze upon our moon, Cloud Kicker.”
Well that didn’t work out quite as well as I had thought. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t a term she would have been familiar with back in the day. I wondered what idiot editor let that joke pass through my mind. Time to try something a little more straightforward. “Hey Luna, if I said you have a hot body would you hold it against me?”
Luna’s jaw dropped. “What didst thou say to me?“
Okay, time to throw any pretense of subtlety out the window. “You. Me. Bang. Now.”
Luna let out an angry snort and stomped the floor hard enough to punch a hole through it. “THOU WOULDST DARE?” Oh great, the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice was back. “THOU WOULDST DEIGN TO SPEAK TO THY PRINCESS AS IF SHE WERE A COMMON WHORSE? GUARDS! TAKE HER INTO CUSTODY!”
Okay... That could’ve gone better.
Ugh. I had a renewed sympathy for Blossom. Waking up with a fuzzy mind and only a vague recollection of how I got here is a disappointingly familiar sensation, though in recent years those occasions have become fewer and further between. At least this was pretty mild by the standard of hangovers, not that it made it stink any less. Especially since I didn’t have a sexy somepony staring back at me on the bed. For one thing, they would have fallen off the side. Jail cots are kind of tiny like that.
It’s probably for the best that I was alone in a dark cell anyway; anything more than the moonlight streaming in through the window would have upgraded the dull throb in my head to a proper headache. Still, there was one perk to my current alcohol-and-sleep-induced haze; I couldn’t really feel the bruises from my fight with the Dunder Triplets. Or much else, for that matter.
Still. Being in jail stinks.
For starters, being stuck in a single cramped cell is a huge pain in the flank, especially for a pegasus. When you’re used to having the entire sky at your disposal, an eight by eight by eight cell is incredibly confining.
Plus there was no way my entire family wouldn’t hear about this, which meant I could look forward to getting all kinds of grief from them. Especially since they were all in the Guard, so they could actually get rotated to guard my cell and start the chewing-out before I was even released. Mom was never gonna let me live this one down.
The worst part of all about being in jail though was that it was really boring. Since I’d been tossed into the Cloudsdale palace dungeons I didn’t even have anypony else to talk to. Pretty much all I could do to pass the time was sleep.
I’m not sure if I was asleep and dreaming or awake when I heard somepony opening the door to my cell, but the next thing I knew there was this odd, sudden sensation of movement.
Then I was lying on a cloud in the open night sky. I looked up and saw Princess Luna standing over me, an unreadable expression on her face.
This might all just be a dream, but even if it was there was an obvious starting point for the conversation. If this was really happening then I owed her an apology, and if this was all just a dream then it would be good practice for when I woke up. “Uh, your highness?” I began uncertainly. “Look, I know it’s no excuse, but I was kind of drunk and I’m really sorry about the whole–”
Luna gently placed a hoof over my mouth. “Peace, dear Cloud Kicker. While thy words were poorly chosen, t’was not thy intent which caused offense. Thou must realize that If thou dost desire a liaison with a member of the Royal House, a certain degree of discretion and propriety is expected, especially when in the public eye.”
Wait, was she saying what I thought she was saying? I admit, between the lingering effects of the booze and the surrealness of the entire situation, I was having a little trouble following her archaic vocabulary.
“But as I said, thy intentions were not unwelcome.” Then Luna leaned down and claimed my lips.
Okay, this part I definitely understood.