//------------------------------// // Episode 30: Rowdy Customers // Story: Life of a Wanted Changeling Season 4: At Luck's End (Comment Driven Story) // by BrownDog77 //------------------------------// As the living corpse named Zesty Gourmand pulls back it’s stretched thin lips into what could loosely be called a smile, it begins to walk to Blueballs’ table. “Hello your highness,” she says in a voice that causes an infant somewhere in the city to start crying, “It has been some time.” “Yes, I’ve been unlawfully grounded as of late, but I’m more or less free for today,” the flamboyant prince says as he stands up. The two then do that weird Prench greeting where they kiss each other on both cheeks. The site of this causes your earlier donuts to reach the top of your throat. Oh gods, that’s-HRK! Noticing that your face is turning green, Grandbuggy claps you on the back. “Keep it together Shade, I know what you just saw was borderline necrophilia, but the last thing we need is the folks here having to mop up a mess.” Not knowing what this necro word he said means, you nod and will yourself to keep your food down, though it takes some effort. “Yeesh, she looks like a mummy,” Greta observes as Zesty and Blueblood take their seats. “Now that’s offensive, I’ve met living mummies that were far more eloquent and less revolting than that thing,” Ahuizotl shudders. “Oh yeah, Boris was pretty hospitable when he wasn’t trying to devour your soul,” Grandbuggy nods. “I mean, I’ve met actual zombies before and wasn’t this disgusted, what is it with that lady?” you ask in confusion. “Well, most undead don’t radiate constant judgment and superiority. That perma-scowl on her head attests to that,” Grandbuggy points out. He’s right, it looks like this mare has gone beyond resting bitch face and exudes constant jerkiness. “Of course something so evil as that thing would be friends with Blueballs. I don’t even know who she is and I can tell she’s a flankhole.” “Great judge of character kid. If she’s who I think she is, you’re gorramned right,” Grandbuggy nods. “You know, I’ve never heard of this place before. The decorations are too bright and chaotic, and I can already tell by the aroma in the air that this cuisine is not going to fit the proper taste palette,” the stuck up corpse says haughtily. “Oh don’t I know it Zesty, I’ve already had a sample and sent it back, the staff aren’t too gracious either,” Blueblood says jerkily. “But it’s a place nopony would think to look for me while I wait for the A.K. Yearling book signing.” “Ah yes, I’ve seen the rabble walking outside in their atrocious costumes. I’m surprised there’s not more of them in this dingy setting,” Zesty dismisses after giving a quick stink eye to Ahuizotl. “Still I suppose it’s for the best you invited me here. Better to nip this one in the bud and shut it down before they get false hope.” All of you scowl at her emotionless voice and dismissal of the restaurant. “At least try the food before judging it,” Greta grumbles under her breath. “Seriously, and what’s she mean by shutting this place down? How can she?” you ask. Kichi’s Comment “Because she’s an overhyped terrible food critic,” Grandbuggy answers simply. “Huh?” “She goes around trying foods, then tells others whether it sucks or not. Those she tells treat her words like gospel.” “But…but how does that work? She just said the food smelled terrible, even though it smells awesome,” you sputter. “Yeah, and she’s already prejudged the food and made up her mind, that ain’t fair,” Greta replies. “Well of course there ain’t anything fair about it,” Grandbuggy harumphs and points to the other table. “That’s Zesty Gourmand, barely even a footnote in history thanks to this place, and yet here she is. She is an illness on all things flavorful and tasty.” “Heh, she’s right at home with many of those idiotas and their “fancy” restaurants then,” Ahuizotl snarks. “Who do you think made them that way?” Grandbuggy growls. “That evil witch is the reason most of the restaurants in this time period taste the same. She’s the reason you have to pay 75 bits for two pieces of indescribable mush that tastes like rubber and crafting paste left in a compost dump to rot for a couple of months! Her tongue is as dead as her soul.” “…Wow, now I feel bad for throwing Gilda’s scones into the gorge,” Greta blinks and shudders, “But I don’t get it, why do all these dumb rich ponies just blindly follow her?” “Because they’re lazy,” Grandbuggy grunts then shakes his head, “No that’s being too generous, even lazy folks eat great tasting junk food. No, they’re more like sheep.” “What’s wrong with sheep?” asks Ahuizotl. “They’re bums. They can talk and think just as good as any creature, and yet they willingly follow the whims of others, get fed whatever’s placed before them, get shaved, and then start the process anew. That ain’t a real job. And don’t even get me started on Cows!” And while Grandbuggy rants at some of the more strangely subservient hooved species in Equestria, your hoof starts to tremble in rage. An enemy of good food, the one shining beacon in this entire world, and she seeks to kill it? “Oh Blue, please remove the salt and pepper shakers from our table. Honestly, ponies need to get with the times and get rid of these horrid spices.” THE BITCH MUST DIE!!! Your eyes flair pure white as you reach into your inventory. Kersey475’s Comment WARGAMES’s Comment You pull out your Junk Jet and load the Scone of Bludgeoning into it before standing up in your chair. “She will pay for her crimes against food with blood!” you declare aiming the launcher at the back of her head. MEANWHILE IN HUMAN LAND Why do I get the feeling that Nightshade is about to unleash dark godly wrath on somepony? Bugze wonders as he replaces the door on the locker he dented. You feel that too right Selly? MOMMY IS SO PROUD! Selena squees. "Righ- Wait, what?" Whatever is occurring, that perverted old bug better take pictures! I want to cherish the moment when we return! "Darn it Selena! Don't force me to be the responsible parent, that's your job!" Bugze exclaims in annoyance. "Uh…who’s he talking to?" Human Cadence asks as she walks up behind Human Twilight Sparkle. “I’m not sure,” she shrugs. “He does this sometimes though, like he’s having one half of a conversation. Usually only happens when he’s not wearing the fake beard though.” “Right…Well I hope he cuts it out soon, Cinch wants to speak with him,” Cadence says in remorse. Twilight seems to sense her sister in law’s mood and her mood darkens as well. “Oh…” BACK IN EQUESTRIA Your shout still rings true, your eyes blaze with fury and righteousness, and you put your hoof to the trigger. “Hasta La Vista you ugly son of a –*WHACK* Ouch!” Kichi’s Comment You rub your noggin as your eyes unglow and fall to back into your seat while Grandbuggy shoves the Junk Jet back into your bags. “That hurt Grandbuggy, why’d you bonk me on the head?” you ask a bit heatedly as you rub where he hit. “I said no making a scene kid, not before dinner!” he grunts back in exasperation. Looking over at Blueblood and Gourmand, you see that the two of them are only just now turning around to look at your outburst. “Hmmph, typical screaming children in restaurants,” Blueblood harrumphs and turns his back to you. “If I had my way that’d be illegal. “Indeed, proper dining experiences should exclude ponies under the age of 20. Children and teenagers are a pox upon the industry,” Zesty dismisses and turns her back as well. “Oh buck you too,” you grumble before giving Grandbuggy the stink eye. “Oh get over it kiddo, you hit me upside the head all the time,” Grandbuggy rolls his eyes. “Yeah, because that’s my job, I’m the adorable one who hits the stupid out of you,” you harrumph. “I’m going to assume you see the hypocrisy in that and move on,” Grandbuggy hoof waves. “But Grandbuggy, if that undead monster gets her way, no good food will be left.” “I know kid, I know, I’m coming up with something, just don’t go jumping into the fray without a plan,” he warns. “A plan?” asks Ahuizotl. “More like an idea really at this point. I still ain’t had my food yet, so I’ll have more when I’m fed.” “…Did you get that Junk Jet from my old hideout?” asks Greta. “Huh? Oh yeah, I think I did anyway. Practically all the games in my inventory came from their too.” “You’ve had games this whole time and didn’t tell me?!” she squawks. “Well I told you know, yeesh,” you roll your eyes and finally take a spoonful of the soup stuff you were served…and it’s really really good. Your eyes widen as all the different and unique flavors hit. It’s not too salty or spicy, and it’s taste is delicious beyond measure. “Oh wow, this is really good,” you say to the others who finally try their own and echo your sentiments. “Yeah, this is good, which makes that lady bad talking it already even more asinine,” Greta says. “She won’t get her way, trust me,” Grandbuggy promises taking another spoonful into his mouth. “And believe me, if the appetizer’s this good, wait till the main course.” You still feel a bit irritated about the two snooty ponies, but you do down the rest of your soup in one long swig, wishing there was more. “You should savor it more amiga,” Ahuizotl says. “Savor is such a slow boring word,” you defend. “It also helps keep your mind off flankholes,” Grandbuggy smirks as he sips his soup. “…Buck, I didn’t think about that,” you grumble as you now have to wait for them to finish. “Great, what am I supposed to do now if I can’t go kick flank?” As if on cue… The Pony Spartan’s Comment A burst of green fire appears in front of you, and a rolled up scroll falls in your lap. “Spike!” you squee excitedly as you immediately break the seal and unfurl the page. “Oh boy, I can’t wait to hear what’s up. Last I heard he was heading back to the Crystal Empire.” “He has a direct line of connection to him?” asks Greta curiously. “Eyup, dragon fire’s a pretty nifty tool to have,” Grandbuggy nods. “That’s…surprising. I thought with how overprotective her dad is and all…” “Daddy can go be a psycho on his own time, he’s not stopping me from writing to Spikey!” you declare. “Spikey?” Ahuizolt asks with a raised brow. “Shut up! That was a slip of the tongue!” you say embarrassed as you start reading so you don’t have to look at their dumb faces. Dear Nightshade, How’s it going? Still keeping up with those flying lessons? Maybe you should come and teach Twilight, she is terrible ha ha. But no seriously, she’s always rolling around in the night because she’s not used to them. Makes me a little nervous for when I finally get my own, but hey, maybe you could help me too when the time comes? Anyway, the trip to the Empire was pretty long, and Twilight’s worried about the summit, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. For some reason Cadence and Shining Armor insisted that I immediately go straight to the castle, they even had me picked up in my own stagecoach with blacked out windows straight from the train station. I don’t know what’s up with that, it’s like they didn’t want me to see the outside of the palace or something. Maybe some of the diplomats for the summit are speciest or something, but oh well. Me and Twilight have a nice comfy room, and tomorrow she’s got a big day of meeting foreign leaders while I try not to fall asleep. After the Summit is over, we’re going to go back to Canterlot for a time. I don’t know when we’ll be going back to Ponyville, but once I do know I’ll write to you. Maybe you can stop by and visit. I’d really like to meet your Grandpa, he sounds cool. Also, would be cool to see you fly. So yeah, have anymore awesome vacation stories? And is that faceless stallion still chasing you? Let me know and I’ll tell you how boring this Summit goes. Talk to you again soon, Lo Your’s T Sinc From, Spike “Hmmph, stupid speciest ponies. Spike saved that stupid Empire, the least they could do is show their gratitude and build him a statue or something,” you grumble. “Trouble in paradise?” Greta smirks. “No, not trouble. The Crystal Empire isn’t really a paradise either, it’s surrounded by snow. But yeah, I feel kind of bad, he’s going to have a long boring three days.” A strong feeling of irony hits you for some reason, but you shrug it off. “I’ll write to him once we leave, the day’s not over yet for us.” “How do you send a message to him?” asks Ahuizotl. “Oh, Grandbuggy and Captain Jack built this little gizmo into Mangle,” you explain as you open up your pet’s mouth and point at a small orb in her throat. “I put a message in her mouth and it goes right to Spike.” “…This thing went from haunting my nightmares to being a technological multitool,” Greta mutters finishing off her soup. You are about to speak more about Mangle being more than just a tool, but you hear the two jerks at the other table commenting on her first. “And they allow pets in, disgraceful.” “Right?” Blueblood agrees causing you to grit your teeth. And as you wait for the rest of your meal, you begin to wonder if your next letter to Spike will be about beating up Royalty…again. Puzzling Frost’s Comment Zapper frost’s Comment "So Zesty, how's your cousin Svengallop?" Blueblood asks which causes her to develop a devilish smirk. Just like when you heard her name, you’re immediately hit with the sense that this gallop person is a flankhole too. "Oh he's doing quite well for himself. Last I heard he became the manager for that Countess Coloratura pony.” “Oh I heard about that. Some circles are saying she’ll giving Sapphire Shores a run for her bits soon," Blueblood says in fascination. The gaunt pale mare chuckles, barely moving her lips before she says, "Well, from what Sven has told me, she’s as dull as bricks. Needs constant automated assistance and flashy lights to cover up the boringness.” “Really?” Blueblood eats the gossip up. “Mmhmm. She’s not that rebellious, but always wants to “Sing from the heart,” but he makes sure she’s profitable. I for one don’t care much for that kind of music, but it makes Svengallop rich.” “Oh I adore pop music of all kinds. If it weren’t for the stupid Hooded Offender, I’d still be on the Sapphire Shores tour circuit,” he grumbles. “Ah yes, the publicity stunt you were a part of.” “It wasn’t a stunt! Or maybe it was, I don’t know. The point is I got hurt because some stupid foal backstage cried and a maniac through me through a stage.” “Hmmph, foals shouldn’t be at such events either, even for publicity, I can’t stand the little monsters,” Zesty says with a shudder. “Exactly, little fillies are the absolute worst,” Blueblood agrees wholeheartedly. You're about to grumble again at her jerkiness and probably get another lecture from Grandbuggy, but you stop when you hear glass breaking. You turn to see Grandbuggy crushing his glass of water, causing it to crack. "That no good son of a-" Before he can continue Ahuizotl pats him with his tail paw. "Easy, easy, amigo. We're trying to lay low remember? Just like you told Nightshade. We can deal with that bruja later. Let's just try to enjoy our meal and not destroy this fine establishment. The owners have gone through enough already with that snot nosed brat over there." Ahuizotl says giving Blueblood a sideways glare. As he says that the two unicorns from earlier come out with an exotic tray of food. Before they get to you, you wonder why Grandbuggy is getting upset now when all this time he was keeping you calm. Before you can ponder too long on this, the mare speaks up as the father floats out the food to the four of you. "Here you have it, two Curry Oat Cakes, four Grass Sandwiches that have been cooked overnight in a mustard Dijon dressing, and my father's special Spicy Flat Noodle soup!" The mare says with a smile so large that it would make Pinkie proud. "Oh where are my manners. My name is Saffron Masala, and this is my father Coriander Cumin. We thank you and welcome you to, 'The Tasty Treat!'" "That's the name of the restaurant if you're confused." Coriander says giving a teasing look as his giggling daughter. Before you can reply, a certain snob interrupts. “Excuse me, I was here before that group, why hasn’t my replacement meal come?” “Y-You’re next order takes longer to cook and-“ Saffron starts. “Hmmph, your favoritism is plain to see. Don’t have their priorities either huh Zesty? Haven’t even taken your order yet.” “Indeed,” Zesty nods and rights in a notebook. “But we were busy making yours and their-“ “Oh go cry over spilt milk elsewhere, we’re trying to have a conversation here,” Blueblood dismisses before not so covertly whispering to Zesty, “The Tasty Treat? More like the Terrible Trash am I right?” he then chortles snottily with the evil mare following suit. You group and Coriander glare at them but the older stallion stops when you all hear whimpering. Saffron’s bright smile has vanished and her lip trembles. As her father tries to comfort her, she turns away and runs back to the kitchen with tears rolling down her cheeks. OK, that does it! Screw Grandbuggy’s not plan to not beat- Your angered thoughts are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass. Turning, you see Grandbuggy looking down at the floor, his glass fully shattered in his hoof. He takes a deep breath before sighing loudly. “Gorramnit…” "Oh no." Ahuizotl says moving behind Greta as Grandbuggy gets up from his chair. He turns to Coriander and gives an apologetic look. "Sorry about the glass friend. Here this should cover it and the meal which we'll be taking to go." Grandbuggy says handing over some bits to the owner. “To Go?” asks Coriander. “Ayuh, might be that we have to leave in a hurry,” he nods. “Grandbuggy?” you ask hesitantly and he sighs again. “Well, I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite kiddo,” he ruffles your mane and starts walking slowly to the other table. While he’s trotting over to the two snobs, Coriander quickly lights up his horn and with a flash all of your food is stored in safe sealed containers. You quickly put them all into your bag. Added to the Inventory · Two Curry Oat Cakes · Four Grass sandwiches covered in a Mustard Dijon dressing · One special Spicy Flat Noodle Soup “Oh, and Shade?” Grandbuggy says over his shoulder. “Yeah?” you say in expectation. “Have your little robot ready for a tune.” You’re a bit confused, but Mangle salutes in understanding as the old bug walks right up to their table and stares at them silently. “Grandbuggy’s about to do something stupid isn’t he?” “Oh yes indeed,” Ahuizotl nods. "Hmm? What do you want old stallion? Can't you tell you’re not supposed to interrupt a royal with his me-" Blueblood starts before Grandbuggy kicks the chair out from under him, causing him to hit the floor. “Ow! My posterior!” "You? Royalty? You're nothing more than a snot nosed pervert that needs a lesson in manners," Grandbuggy chides in a parental tone before pointing at Zesty Gourmand who sits there shock. “And you, get a freaking tongue transplant you bottom feeding lich!” "Who do you think you are you senile old fool?!" Blueblood screams in rage as he stands up facing Grandbuggy. “I am a Prince and this is my guest and-Ow Ow Ow!” "Me? I'm the one who's going to give you a crash course in manners you pig,” Grandbuggy scolds as he holds Blueblood by the ear. “Owie! Let go of my ear you senile old-Ah!” he is cut off as Grandbuggy slaps him in the nose. “Lesson One. Respect your elders.” The commotion causes Saffron to peak her head into the dining room. “Lesson Two! *SLAP*” “Ow!” “Respect Mares.” “That’s rich coming from him,” Greta snarks. “Indeed, which makes it all the more meaningful,” Ahuizotl nods. “And Lesson Three…” he pushes Blueblood back towards his table where he cowers a bit. “Respect My Sick Moves…” Grandbuggy says smoothly as he pulls his hat down over his eyes. “…What?” Blueblood asks. “Mangle, hit it!” he calls out. Your pet opens her mouth, and somehow, the lights dim much to everyone’s confusion. Outside the Restaurant Ello Calebero’s Comment Kersey475's Comment A grey chromatic maned pegasus mare in glasses, a shawl and hat walks down a side road, hiding herself from the hordes of fans. “Yeesh, it’s not even the convention yet and already the cosplayers are in force,” she shudders as she realizes how many poorly dressed versions of herself she’ll see and the millions of autographs she’ll have to sign. Sighing to herself about how necessary the duality of her identity as Daring Do and A.K. Yearling, and how tiresome it can get, she forges on ahead, looking for something to eat before she has to face the dreaded book signing. The only problem is… “What the heck is wrong with these snobby restaurants? They’ve got no flavor at all!” she grunts as she walks by yet another one that looks exactly the same as the one before it. “I’ve eaten banana and onion mush with beetles in it that tasted better, and yet in the richest city in the whole-*Sniff Sniff* Oooh, what’s that?” A pleasant aroma hits her nostrils and brings a smile to her face, and just like Toucan Sam, she follows her nose towards a nice looking place called the Tasty Treat. “Oooh, Indhayan Food! It’s been ages,” she squees before she coughs into her hoof, presents herself as a boring looking mare. Remember, A.K. is a boring old writer. Bare minimum of excitement. After composing herself, she opens the door…and is not prepared at all for what she sees. And elderly looking stallion in a bowler hat is currently dancing up a storm with moves that seem to defy his age. Jaunty music plays throughout the restaurant as the lights seem to flicker every now and again. “Noooo! His movement and pacing are too perfect!” In front of the stallion are two unicorns, one Yearling’s pretty sure is an escaped mummy from Anugypt, and another she’s pretty sure is the Prince Blueblood. Said Prince is sweating profusely as the elderly stallion dances around him, and his own dance moves are pitiful and slow by comparison. “Ack,” Blueblood holds his chest as if he was punched, “His moves put Michael Moonwalker to shame.” “Heh, that weirdo learned a thing or two from you’re truly!” the elderly stallion brags, showing up the flailing prince even more. “…What in the world?” A.K. Yearling mouths as her eyes scan the rest of the room. In one corner are two foreign dressed ponies who appear to be father and daughter, and for the most part, they seem to be enjoying the show, and in the other corner… A.K.’s eyes widen as she spots a certain someone. At said table, you sit while Mangle belts out some tune you’ve never heard before and Grandbuggy totally owns Blueblood on the dance floor. “Well, I guess it’s a type of beatdown, but not the one I was expecting,” you say aloud. “I know right? How the heck does that old guy move like that?” Greta says impressed. “I don’t know, I didn’t even know he could dance. Did you Ahuizotl?” you ask, but the cat thing does not answer you. “Well did he?” you turn around and see him staring angrily towards the entrance. Looking in that direction, you spot a mare in glasses and old people clothing standing at the edge of the dance battle, who looks beyond anything, confused as all Tartarus. “Who’s that?” you ask, curious to his wrath. “A.K. Yearling…” he seethes. “Daring Do’s lying writer friend.” “Oh really?” you clench your own teeth about the lies she’ll write in her next book. “Well, there’s really only one logical thing to do,” you say aloud as you start trotting towards her. As you do, you see that her eyes are completely fixed on Ahuizotl, and she doesn’t notice you approach. “What’s he doing here? Is he following me? Does that mean that guy in the bowler hat is that changeling from the temple? Then-“ “Hey!” you call out, interrupting whatever it was that she was babbling about. Looking at you she cocks an eyebrow. “Wait…you look familiar,” she says in puzzlement. “No I don’t, I’m just a normal earth pony. But you’ve been spreading lies, so it’s time for you to go back to writing school.” “Huh? What are yo-Whoa!” you quickly grab her by the hoof and spin toss her onto the dance floor. Not even missing a beat, Grandbuggy grabs her by the forelegs and steadies her while still keeping his rhythm. “Ah, reinforcements eh?” he asks the mare who is dizzy. “Oh My Gosh A.K. Yearling! I’m such a great fan!” Blueblood squees, before Grandbuggy starts dancing with her in front of him, causing him to grip his chest. “Urk! He’s even fantastic with a partner!” he laments. The whole time, Zesty Gourmand still looks beyond flabbergasted. “A.K. Yearling huh? Well, here, I got the perfect partner for ya,” Grandbuggy chuckles before spinning her away from him. “Whaaa-Ooof!” Yearling hits a solid mass and steadies herself again. “What the actual Buck is goingggg” she notices that it’s a stern looking Ahuizotl who she’s bumped into. And while the mare sweats a bit, Ahuizotl slowly smirks as he says. “Vengeance will be mine today you horrid writer.” Bracing herself for one of his classic attacks with his hand tail…he instead begins dancing aggressively in front of her. “I…uh…” “You can’t handle my moves Ghost Writer!” “That’s right slanderer,” you add as you moonwalk behind her. “Now come on, step it up! And afterwards, I want your autograph!” “DANCE BATTLE!!!” Greta screams excitedly from the sidelines. WHAT DO YOU DO?