//------------------------------// // Interlude: The Reviews Are In // Story: Lights, Camera... // by Smoking Gun //------------------------------// Interlude: The Reviews Are In The following is a recording from the late night 'Horse S--T!' radio show. The show is hosted by Loud Mouth and his co-host 'Wise Crack'. Every Thursday at 11:00 pm, the two sit down with a special guest as they discuss local events and funny stories that have happened in the week prior in a crude manner. The stories often involve tangents and long segway's, many of which lead to the hosts forgetting the original topic. The following is a transcript from the episode entitled 'Latex and Leather', recorded September 20th, 2012. Loud Mouth: Shh! Everypony, be very quite. We just snuck got out of the premier of Stallion of Steel. Wise Crack: The premier that we kind of weren't invited to. L.M: So yeah, we snuck into the premier through the staff entrance. W.C: And unlike those real critics, we don't have an embargo on our review for the movie. L.M: So, we thought we would be the first to bring Equestria the first spoiler-filled review of Stallion of Steel. W.C: And what better way to keep it a secret then by bringing in two of the ponies that worked on it. Vinyl Scratch: Knowing you two idiots, you probably invited the director before me. L.M: In case you couldn't tell by the extra manly voice, Vinyl Scratch has joined us again. W.C: Welcome back Vinyl. V.S: Aren't you forgetting something? L.M: That's right! Ponies, we normally have one special guest. This time, we have two! W.C: We established that already. L.M: Buck you. So anyway, we- W.C: Well forgive me, for correcting your dumb ass. L.M: Weren't you the one who didn't know what 'topic dejour' meant? V.S: Weren't you both acting like idiots last time I was on? W.C: Yeah, we were the idiots, you were talking about drugging and having your way with Octavia. L.M: Speaking of which.. Octavia Philharmonica: I haven't even spoken into the microphone and I'm already regretting this. [Laughter] L.M: Don't worry. Based on Vinyl's stories, you probably won't remember any of this. V.S: Oh I plan to make sure she remembers this. Don't I babe? O.P: Have as much fun as you can Vinyl. You won't be grinning much longer. L.M: Oh, it's on! W.C: We should probably explain the reason you're here. O.P: First bright idea of the night. A couple months ago, Vinyl said some less than flattering things about me. L.M: And you're here to clear them up? O.P: No. I'm here to get even. W.C: Nice! V.S: You know we were just bucking around, right? O.P: Of course. I'd like to join in. L.M: All of you at home can't tell, but Octy has her super-villain grin turned on. W.C: Her Mistress Mayhem grin. L.M: That reminds me, ponies, here's how we'll do things tonight. We're gonna start off with a quick spoiler-free review, catch up with our guests and then we'll do the big spoiler-filled review. W.C: So you can't yell at us for spoiling the thing on pTunes. L.M: Or you know, tell the producers. V.S: Relax guys, I won't squeal. Octy on the other hoof-" O.P: Your secrets are safe with me, gentlecolts. Although, I do have to wonder, are you sure that Vinyl and I can deliver fair reviews? V.S: Yeah. We both helped make the thing. O.P: Ha! V.S: Something funny? O.P: Yes. Your definition of help. W.C: Guys- L.M: Wait. This is hilarious. O.P: If 'helped' equates to your contribution, I may as well have directed, stared and ran the projector. W.C/L.M: DAMN! V.S: You're just jealous that they wouldn't let you on camera. They only had room the best lookin' ponies in Equestria so they picked me to join the high life. O.P: And what better representation of the high life then playing a pimp with one line. L.M: Ah $&*@! Ah $&*@! V.S: Swag this perfect cannot be denied! And what better way to show swag than pimp? O.P: An actually respected member of society? W.C: SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! [Laughter] V.S: You two are enjoying this way too much. L.M: You can't enjoy a cat fight like this enough. W.C: I'll get the kiddie pool, you go get the baby oil. [Laughter] O.P: Truly, radio has become the pinochle of culture. V.S: Guys, seriously? L.M: What's wrong? V.S: You forgot the bikini's. W.C: Of course! How could we forget? O.P: Ignoring the stupidity of this conversation for a brief moment... why? We're naked the rest of the time. L.M: Don't ruin this for us. W.C: Besides, you were that bow everywhere and Vinyl always has her glasses on. L.M: Take it off! O.P: What have I walked into? V.S: The deepest levels of hell! O.P: That sounds about right. L.M: What's the chance of you two making out angrily on the floor. O.P: Absoltuetly- V.S: Guaranteed to happen! W.C: You heard it here folks! We've got some filly-fooler action right up in the studio! O.P: Celestia, kill me. V.S: If you're so uncomfortable, why are you blushing? O.P: I am not blushing! L.M: Bitch, you look like a mahogany table. W.C: Bend over and we can use you to record on the go. V.S: I didn't hear anything after 'bend over'. [Laughter] L.M: Octy's giggling, folks! O.P: I'm enjoying being the smartest pony in the room. V.S: She does that everywhere, but now it's actually true. W.C: Bitch, you gonna take that? O.P: Please don't call me that. W.C: Sorry. L.M: Well, these two ladies need to get oiled up- O.P: I'll do no such thing. L.M: So we'll give our quick, spoiler free reviews of Stallion of Steel. The reboot of the Super-Stallion film franchise. And I've got to tell you... I didn't love it. But I liked it a lot. W.C: I'm right there with you man. The good out ways the bad in it. The acting was good. The action was great. L.M: They got Super-Stallion himself right. W.C: A great villain. L.M: Oh, I can't wait to talk to you about her. W.C: So yeah, if you're listening, please, go see Stallion of Steel. It's not perfect, but a hell of a lot of fun. L.M: Girls, I know you're kind of biased in this, as Octy mentioned, but tell us as best you can, what you think about this. V.S: Forgetting I was in the movie for about 10 seconds, I really enjoyed it. I knew nothing about Super-Stallion going into this so this kind of popped my cherry. It was cool and the action was great. W.C: Sounds like the kind of movie you wouldn't enjoy, Octy. O.P: On the contrary. I found it quite thrilling. W.C: Thrilling? O.P: Well, I don't find myself in these types of films often, so, like Vinyl, this was quite a learning experience for me. L.M: That's good. I didn't know if you would even consider liking this kind of movie. O.P: To be fair, I was already a fan of Final Cut. I absolutely loved the Sisterhooves Social Network and was quite flattered when he offered me the job to score the film. I didn't know if I could do it, but I fell in love with the process and I found myself loving Stallion of Steel. L.M: You loved it? O.P: I suppose I did. I know it doesn't mean much coming from somepony who worked on it, but yes, I loved it. W.C: I don't know if the rest of us can go that far, but it's definitely enjoyable. L.M: Let's save the rest of the movie discussion for a later. We have some catching up to do. W.C: Last we talked to you Vinyl, you were heading to Manehatten Musical Culture Garden Party. Weren't you two going to preform a set? O.P: Well, that's one word to call it. L.M: What? O.P: Let's just say it didn't turn out the way we had planned. V.S: It was the greatest show of all times! L.M: You've got to tell us now! O.P: Something tells me I don't have a choice. V.S: OK, so we head out to stage and, of course, the crowd goes nuts as soon as they saw me. O.P: You were my warm up. W.C: I'm loving this already. V.S: The way the sets work is that one of us steps out, and does a sample of their music. I come out and I'm laying the bass down! The crowds minds exploded! O.P: That was because they were shooting themselves. V.S: Love you honey! O.P: Love you, too. L.M: Can you make out now? O.P: Let's wait till Vinyl finishes butchering this story. V.S: Butchering? I'm creating an energetic retelling of our concert. O.P: No wonder this show is called 'Horse S--T'. V.S: So, after I'm done, it's Octavia's turn on the stage. She brings out the over-sized ukulele- O.P: It's a cello, you twit. V.S: And sure enough, the crowd falls asleep. O.P: They did no such thing! They were embracing classical music.They lent back in their chairs and let the music woft over them. V.S: As they slipped into death. O.P: Just because I don't sound like Skrillex on PCP, the doesn't mean I bore ponies. V.S: Do you even know who Skrillex is? O.P: No, but the name already inspires distaste. L.M: Are you sure two aren't married? V.S: Wait till the story ends. C.W: Does this end in a bedroom or a dungeon? O.P: Neither thankfully. V.S: Baby! You're starting to hurt me. O.P: OK, I'm going to finish this story and I want you stop me when I lie or exagurate. V.S: Sure. O.P: So after- V.S: Stop. [Laughter] O.P: As I was saying, it time for the two of us to play music together... apparently Vinyl took that phrase the wrong way. V.S: You mean the right way. O.P: I honestly don't see how I'm surprise at you anymore. L.M: What happened? O.P: We had to move our stations closer and- Vinyl, stop laughing. [Laughter] V.S: You're so cute, you know that. W.C: We could just let these two take over the show, couldn't we? O.P: So started playing and over the course of our number, I notice Vinyl etching closer and closer to my station. V.S: I was making myself comfortable. O.P: Oh, I believe that much. I brush it off as I didn't know if you had to move around a computer station- V.S: Mixing board, fuddy duddy. O.P: So I just brushed it off. The lights made it difficult for me to see most of the ponies in the audience, but I could see some of them in the front few rows laughing. Some of them were pointing at me. I was so focused on the music at the time that I didn't notice anything else, until the music finally slowed down. I started to feel something. V.S: Yeah, she did. O.P: I felt some sort of- I'm not quite sure what the words are. V.S: A sensation? O.P: That's the last thing I'll call it. Whatever it was, I looked down... and as it turns out, Vinyl had been rubbing her flank up against mine. [Laughter] V.S: Admit it, there was a spark! O.P: That was static electricity! L.M: Holy Celestia- HAHAHAHA! O.P: I couldn't move from my position on the stage, so I couldn't move. I just stood there... and so did she... grinding me for ten straight minutes. W.C: Why were we not there?! V.S: You loved it! O.P: It was humiliating! Ponies kept asking me to sign pictures of it. L.M: That doesn't sound too- O.P: They were all nerdy teenagers. L.M: What if I ask for a picture of it? V.S: Make it two. O.P: I hate you all [Laughter] V.S: Look, I know we're screwing around a lot, but I think we should clear a few things up. O.P: Second bright idea of the night. Did you two gentlecolts get a lot of fan mail regarding Vinyl's last appearance? W.C: Sure did. O.P: And what were they about exactly? W.C: Well, a lot of them were ponies coming to your defense actually. They said that what Vinyl was doing was slander. V.S: I got a couple of those, too. I don't know how ponies got e-mail. O.P: One of the reasons I came onto the show tonight was to let everypony know that Vinyl and I have been friends since high school. Vinyl meant no disrespect. V.S: The thing at the concert was just a joke. I wouldn't have done it if I knew it was going to weird her out. L.M: So you just came onto the show to have a laugh about what happened? O.P: Yeah. We've been close friends for a good chunk of our lives. We get on each others nerves every not and then, but so do the best of friends. V.S: If the element wielders can have a Dragon Ball Z fight and still come out OK, we can buck around a little bit and be perfectly fine. L.M: I had a feeling you'd be fine, but I'm glad to here it, you know? V.S: It's like I said last time I was on; Once you make pony scream, they can only hate you so much. O.P: The scream in question came from when I found out she'd be playing with at the concert. V.S: Love you, Octy. O.P: Love you too, Vinyl. L.M: Aww, there's hugging now. W.C: More tongue! O.P: Honestly Vinyl, how did you find these idiots? V.S: I have tendency to attract idiots. It's curse really. L.M: I can't help but feel that includes you, Octy. O.P: Of course I'm an idiot. I agreed to be on this show, didn't I? [Laughter] W.C: This has been a lot of fun. L.M: We're not done yet. We've still got a movie to talk about. W.C: Boy, do we. L.M: If you girls don't want to stick around- V.S: We've stayed this long, right? O.P: I suppose there's no point in leaving yet. L.M: Sweet. Now, everypony, we're about to go into full spoiler territory here, so if you don't want to be spoiled, tune out now. You gone? OK. Wise? W.C: Yeah? L.M: What did you think of Stallion of Steel. In detail this time. W.C: Like I said before, I liked it, didn't love it. But I will say this; Soarin' really pulled it off. L.M: I know right! W.C: For some pony who couldn't act, I was shocked by how convincing he was. V.S: I never thought I would dig the nerdy, goody too shoes type, but I liked him a lot. O.P: I thought he was very charming. V.S: You should have seen her. Every time Mild Mannered was on screen, she blushed and started giggling like school filly. L.M: Why does that not shock me? W.C: Did you take the opportunity and go for the reach around, Vinyl? O.P: She did... for my popcorn. [Laughter] V.S: She had it buttered. W.C: I bet she did. [Laughter] O.P: Well forgive me for preferring the sweeter gentlecolts. L.M: The same 'sweeter gentlecolt' that spent the whole third act of the movie hitting another mare? V.S: Maybe that's what she into. Right babe? O.P: I'm surprised you didn't go for the leather fetish joke. W.C: Oh we'll get to that. L.M: Twilight and Rainbow were pretty good too. W.C: I thought Rainbow was OK. Twilight was actually decent. V.S: I was just shocked he ended up with Meekly at the end. L.M: Well, in the comics, he did. I think Final Cut was just trolling the fan boys. W.C: Wouldn't be funny if the troll face popped up at the end? L.M: Problem, nerds? V.S: Speaking of which, wasn't there supposed to be a sex scene in the movie? L.M: I guess they must have cut it. W.C: Good thing. Octy would have exploded. O.P: Only if it was with Meekly. L.M: You used to be Meekly in high school didn't you? V.S: You have no idea. She even had the same glasses. W.C: The Buddy Holly, catch-me-buck-me glasses? O.P: They were quite fashionable at the time. L.M: That makes me wonder. Octy, what was Vinyl like in high school. O.P: The same essentially. V.S: I wasn't as hot back then. O.P: She had so many pimples, the called her moon face. [Chuckling] V.S: Not true! O.P: They thought Nightmare Moon was going to come bursting out of your pours with the rest of the goop. [Laughter] L.M: So you were the cool one back in high school? V.S: By proxy only! W.C: Did she play any instruments back then? The mixing board couldn't have been available to her back then. O.P: Hmmm... does the skin flute count? [Laughter] V.S: You bitch! L.M: Did the school supply that or did your parents have to pay for it? W.C: Did you have a saddle bag compartment for it? V.S: Buck you. L.M: I keep having this image of you skipping down the hallways like the pied-piper. W.C: With that gay-ass hat. [Laughter] L.M: Epic burn, girl! O.P: I had actually been saving that one for a public forum. V.S: You back stabbing- O.P: Love you, Vinyl. V.S: Bit me. L.M: Let's wait till after we cut the mics off for that. What did you guys think of the effects? W.C: Can you call them effects when a good chunk of them were actual super powers? L.M: The point is, they looked pretty. V.S: I would love to drop some acid and watch it again. O.P: You say that about everything. V.S: And I always mean it. L.M: Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a trip it is. [Laughter] V.S: Imagine watching that red and blue blur go across the screen while you're high as a kite. L.M: Is it too late to go back and see it? W.C: Knowing our luck, it would be great, right up until Mistress Mayhem shows up and then it would turn south. We'd think he had descended into Tartarus or something. L.M: Speaking of which... W.C: Oh! Dear! Celestia! L.M: Rarity as Mistress Mayhem stole the show. And I can't decide if it's in a good way or a bad way. I'm not even sure how to describe it. O.P: One description came to mind as I was watching her. L.M: And that was...? O.P: To speak rather candidly; the bitch was crazy. [Laughter] W.C: It was like watching a Shakespearean actor read lines from 50 Shades of Grey while dragging kids to her dungeon. [Laughter] L.M: I don't think I can top that. V.S: Same here. O.P:Mmhmm. L.M: For those of you who don't know, Rarity plays the villain of the movie, 'Mistress Mayhem'. She spends the whole movie in a dominatrix outfit, talking about saving Equestria through violence. W.C: I loved that! "I'm going to make Equestria peacefully, by killing everypony horribly." L.M: She was every single Final Fantasy villain wrapped up into one. V.S: Nerd. O.P: She was quite entertaining. L.M: I kept expecting her to look into the mirror and go 'Would you buck me? I'd buck me'. W.C: I would. L.M: Even if those dragons were involved? W.C: Especially. Speaking of which, how cool did that look? V.S: It looked like a Rhapsody album cover. W.C: Which is awesome! L.M: The scene was awesome... until you realize it makes no damn sense. W.C: How so? O.P: I believe I know what Loud is referring to. Mistress Mayhem using a signal to attract dragons to Equestria. Somehow, the dragons were able to fly all the way to Canterlot in a matter of seconds. L.M: Exactly! O.P: It was physically impossible. V.S: Yeah... you know what else is impossible? O.P: What? V.S: A stallion that can fly at the speed of sound and punch missile with his bare hooves. O.P: You don't have to be so mean about it. V.S: We're not even close to being even for the skin flute crack. W.C: I think what Vinyl is trying to say is that you've got to suspend your disbelief for a lot of things. L.M: Especially the high school stuff. W.C: Yeah... that stuff was pretty weak. L.M: A lot of the dialogue was lame too. O.P: I just took that as things Super-Stallion would say. Wise, you're the... connoisseur of all things Super-Stallion. Isn't that true? W.C: Well, yeah. It's just, they laid it on so thick. They could have been a bit subtler with it. Maybe give a bit more of a dark edge. O.P: I don't think that would worked. He was fine the way he was. V.S: Define 'fine'. O.P: Every definition. [Laughter] L.M: That's what I'm talking about! O.P: I may have had a few glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon before I came on. W.C: I can't pronounce that, so you know it's good stuff. O.P: I have a few cases in my carriage. V.S: Drink on Octy tonight! [Cheering] W.C: We should probably wrap this up. L.M: Yeah. OK, to summerize, I loved the action. The characters were good. Soarin' was great. Rarity was bucking hilarious and I'd go see it again. It's really good. Not great. W.C: Same here. V.S: Well, we really can't add much to that considering we worked on it. L.M: Thanks for reminding me! We need to talk about your cameo. W.C: Super pimp! L.M: You were on screen for 10 seconds and you had the best line of the movie. V.S: Like I said; Swag. L.M: As for you Octy. The score was great, but that ending piece... holy Celestia! That was brilliant! O.P: They said they wanted something heroic, so that's what I did. L.M: It was beautiful. We're not just kissing your flank, you did an amazing job. W.C: Although, It a little disappointing that they didn't use the old theme. It had horrible, silver-age style lyrics. L.M: It wouldn't have fit. W.C: You can tell a lot of fan boys are gonna be pissed. L.M: Like you? W.C: Well hell yeah! L.M: Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm feeling thirsty. Octy, do you wanna stick around for a while and share some of that fancy wine with the rest of us? O.P: Sure, why not? Next: Chapter 20: Obscurity - Finale! Don'f forget to check out Club Harmony!