//------------------------------// // A Principle’s Principals Don’t Matter to Angry Parents or Guardians // Story: Letters from an Irritated Princess // by Tired Old Man //------------------------------// Dear Discord, I’m mad at you. Verily, indubitably upset. I had six angry parents and guardians huffing and puffing hot breath down my neck today thanks to your name-brand flavor of madness descending upon the school like a heavy downpour of chocolate rain. The affected students spoke of terrible traps, haunted hallways, and massive monsters that sound like they got a copy of A. K. Yearling’s first draft of her next Daring Do novel. Gods, I wish it was that simple and clean to explain away. And it still was, sort of! Thanks to your mandatory “I must cause chaos or I die” handicap, I was able to point out to all of the foam-frothing parental figures barking at me that these insane shenanigans serve as life support for your existence. It took a little more convincing to add on a “No, he isn’t out to kill your children,” at the end, however. Despite how threatening your antics looked and sounded, I knew you were fully in control of the chaos—anything that went wrong did so with you pulling the strings at all times. Granted, if you had any sense of restraint or ability to respect a princess’s decision, regardless of your presence or absence for said decision, you wouldn’t be pulling those strings at all. If the School of Friendship was one of my schools, you’d be sitting in a time-out statue that some bitter foreign leaders would be pleased to see smashed into gravel at any given moment. Yet with the situation as it stands, I must begrudgingly give thanks that no student was seriously harmed under your maddening supervision. This doesn’t excuse you from acting like a prick when you don’t get your way, but I digress. At least you’re playing nice more often than not, and I can’t ask for much more than that. Other than maybe an apology for causing all of this undue stress to me, the parents, Twilight and company, then Starlight for everything that happened at the school and all the tricks you pulled to make this scenario happen. On top of that, I’m going to want a second apology for you spoofing a map request on me to do your grocery shopping for you this week. I still did it on principle, but the next time you need somepony to find you a bag of sour sugar, is it too much to ask that you be a little more direct with your request instead of acting like others can read your mind at all times? I get the feeling that will save precious time for everyone, especially for those that have an issue with you abusing tricks and loopholes and basically any other tactic you have that doesn’t include the fundamentals of basic communication skills. It might even give you the opportunity to be less of a jackass than the one you hired as a substitute teacher! Or don’t. Putting you in a statue again after another stunt like this will certainly uplift my spirits. Warning You of Potential Reimprisonment, Princess Celestia P.S. Should you be re-imprisoned, we might as well make it entertaining. I’ll make a suggestion to Twilight to have you break down into pieces before you’re frozen in stone, then have the affected children build the pose you’ll stay in. Imagine that, a modern art Discord project! Gah! Sunny, please turn the heat down when you enter. This summer’s hot enough without you melting every ice cream stand in Canterlot! Not just the ice cream, but the stand and all of the accompanying bells and whistles! No Sunny, I still haven’t let that go. I’ve had to settle for snow cones until we get more ice cream imported. Snow cones! I can’t survive the summer on snow cones. Frozen coffee creamer is not the same thing, and I’m offended you think it is! But there’s something about that idea that’s… Wait! I have it. Soft-serve! By the stars, I will survive! I need a blender and a mixer, now!