//------------------------------//
// Chapter 52: Hiding in a Barrel 
// Story: Daring Do and the Hand of Doom 
// by Unwhole Hole 
//------------------------------//

Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, the stairway was more stupid than expected. It did not go where she wanted at all. In fact, it just went deeper and deeper into the earth. 
During her application to flight school, Rainbow Dash had tested highly in spatial reasoning, but even this place was beginning to test her ability. It was labyrinthine, and she was pretty sure that the stone blocks would occasionally reconfigure themselves when she was not looking, blocking off return paths or turning her in directions that she did not want to go. She could sense that she was probably underground, and that she was getting farther and farther from where she had been before. 
Being Rainbow Dash, though, she of course knew how to compensate for the changing environment as well as any hidden traps that were lying in her way. The answer was more speed. 
The result was more fun than she could ever have anticipated. Walking in the even stone hallways was boring and eerie, but flying through them at incredible speed amazing. With the walls so close, Rainbow Dash felt as though she were travelling immensely fast even at low speeds, let alone at a full wing-sprint. The sudden turns and occasional appearance of golems only made it more challenging and more interesting. It was like an arcade game, except in real life. 
The effect of increased velocity was actually positive. The Exmoori, apparently, had never anticipated that a pony would be fast enough and brave enough- -or reckless and stupid enough- -to fly through their facility at well over one hundred miles per hour. Their machines were fast, but not fast enough. The hallways took too long to reconfigure, and Rainbow Dash was able to overwhelm them. Within a matter of hours, she had outpaced them enough that she had reached hallways that did not reconfigure. 
These were different. The stone was more angular and a different color, giving it an impression of long-term inactivity. Occasionally debris could be found lying throughout. Rainbow Dash did not stop to see what it was because she did not think that they were pleasant things. 
Then, suddenly, the hallway expanded significantly into a large room. Rainbow Dash blinked, barely able to see in the darkness. On the far side, she was able to perceive a vast array of slowly revolving gears and downward-leading conduits. The area in front of it was wide and flat, and appeared to have been a storage room. What it had been meant to store, though, Rainbow Dash did not know. All of it was either unrecognizable to her or had decayed long since. 
The only thing she could accurately recognize was a stack of barrels on one side of the room. They might have once been used to store food, or perhaps chemicals, or even the contents of whatever this machine produced- -although Rainbow Dash doubted that it produced much of anything.  Whatever they had once held, though, they were now empty: it had evaporated or decayed long ago, at least in barrels where the lids could be opened. Rainbow Dash had checked, just in case it was jelly or cider.
“Aww, mane,” she sighed, pulling the lid off yet another one and finding it empty. “How am I supposed to maintain muscle tone without food?” Her stomach growled. She had not eaten since Lyskymm. Or, actually, perhaps since Singapone. She also came to the realization that she was talking to herself. “Gosh darn it,” she said, quietly. “I’m turning into Twilight.” 
A voice came in response, causing Rainbow Dash to jump wildly. Had her heart still been beating, it might have stopped. 
Her first thought was, oddly, that when Twilight spoke to herself she might actually be talking to somepony that nopony could see. Her second thought revolved around “ghosts”. Her third was that somepony was approaching.
The third thought appeared to be correct. Rainbow Dash’s ears resolved hoofsteps. Many hoofsteps. Rainbow Dash did not even need to think; if she was going to take on an entire group of ponies- -or perhaps Exmoori ghosts- -she would need the element of surprise. She immediately jumped into a barrel and closed the lid on top of her, wincing as she did so. Whatever this barrel had once contained, it had certainly not been jelly. 
The voices entered the storage room. The barrel had a hole in it, and Rainbow Dash stared through it. Unfortunately, the owners of the voices came from a side hallway that Rainbow Dash was not facing, so she could initially only hear them.      
An accented female voice spoke first. “They won’t try to follow us?”
Rainbow Dash was about to leap out and pound the ghosts when she heard the a deep male voice with a different accent reply in response. 
“No. The zebra will be distracting them.”
Rainbow Dash gasped. She knew the voice. “Caballeron!”
The room immediately fell silent and Rainbow Dash clapped her hooves over her mouth. The sound of her words, though, had apparently been drowned out by the clanking of gears. 
The voices continued. 
“And what is our dear stooge going to do?” mocked the female voice. “Seduce them? If they’re not interested in me, they won’t be interested in him.”
“Ha,” said another voice, one that sounded more Bittish and somewhat stupider. “Maybe we can have him read ‘em poems, eh?” 
“Rogue,” said Caballeron, “you’re not funny. And I don’t appreciate racism in my organization.” 
“Wh- -no- -boss, I didn’t mean nothing by it!” He paused. “Bloody heck, I can’t see a bloody hoof in front of my bloody face! Arg, can you make light?”
“I’m not a torch.”
“No,” said Caballeron, “but under that ravishing exterior you are an insect.”
“Arachnid,” snapped the female. “And fine. Don’t make fun of me, I don’t do this often.”
The room outside suddenly ignited with a strange green light, the glow of some sort of biological phosphorescence. 
“Ha!” said Rogue. “Look at that! You’re right ready for a rave, aren’t you?”
“And you can shut your ‘bloody’ hole before I make your hole bloody!” 
“Now now,” said Caballeron. “Argiopé, please don’t make a mess.”
Rainbow Dash heard grumbling. She saw the light shift, and then heard the female voice. Now much closer. 
“Oh look at that,” she said, kicking the barrel that Rainbow Dash was in. Rainbow Dash immediately froze. She got the impression that the mare was Caballeron’s pet changeling, and if that was the case, she had to dramatically shift her calculations on whether she could take all three of them in a fight or not. 
The changeling continued. “An ancient civilization of dwarves and their barrels still have bung holes. Ha! You know, I once knew a stallion who was just obsessed with bung holes. I guess it was his special talent. Ah, that was a fun week.” 
The barrel was knocked back as a tongue was violently inserted into the barrel’s hole. It was incredibly long and forked, and it flicked around violently. Rainbow Dash nearly screamed at how gross it was and retracted to the far end of the barrel. The tongue continued to lick, and Rainbow Dash felt her wings beginning to involuntarily extend.
“Argiopé!” chastised Caballeron. “Don’t be vulgar!”
The tongue retracted, and Rainbow Dash heard the sound of lips smacking. She stared through the hole and nearly gasped. The pony outside had rendered as a unicorn with a complex pattern of orange, black, and white. At present, though, all of the white part of her calico pattern had ignited with bioluminescence. 
“Huh,” she said, licking her long, sharp teeth. Teeth that had just moments before been inches away from Rainbow Dash’s face. “It tastes…fruity. And a little bit like rainbows. I’ve never licked a bung hole with quite that flavor.” 
“How do you know what rainbows taste like?” asked Rogue.
“Because I spent two years working in cloud espionage. Of course I tasted the rainbow vats at least once.” She sighed. “That job paid so well…”
“Then why did you quit?”
The changeling shrugged. “Because you can’t buy love.” 
“Tell that to the girls in Singapone, heh heh…”
Nopony laughed. Rainbow Dash did not understand what Rogue meant. She did, however, hear a slap.
“Yeah,” sighed Rogue. “I deserved that one.”
“Now,” said Argiopé. “Can we get to the point? Herr doktor, I’ve noticed you haven’t been verbally abusing me. Or hitting me. Or snuggling with unicorn hags.”
“Argiopé,” said Caballeron, sounding both annoyed and defeated, “I’ve apologized- -”
“Shove it in the bung hole! You’ll have finished apologizing when I say you’ve finished!”
There was another sound of a slap. This time it did not sound like the sound of a hoof hitting a face; if Rainbow Dash were to guess, it was the sound of a hoof on a flank. It was followed by barely controlled giggling, followed by a rapid regaining of composure.
“Fine,” said Argiopé. “I’ll table it. Now tell us why we’re here. You’re thinking, aren’t you?”
There was a long pause. “Yes,” said Caballeron. He came into view. Rainbow Dash watched him. “I have a plan. One where we can make a substantial profit.”
“Do tell.” 
Caballeron smiled cruelly. “I have not told the Questlords my exact translation. Nor have I noted down my full understanding of the tablet I have been translating.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning that providing the blood of a child of Exmoor does not just open the door. It unlocks the security system of this entire facility, giving the blood-bearer full control over all operations. Including its security response.”
The changeling smiled. “Oh, doktor! If I could have foals with ponies…”	
“Quiet Argiopé, I’m talking.” Caballeron continued. “My intent, you see, is to offer the Spear myself. I will gain control. And then immediately use the security measures to destroy both the Questlords and Daring Do.” 
Rainbow Dash gasped, but quietly.
“Boss, I don’t know,” said Rogue, rubbing the back of his head. “I mean, there’s a lot of them. And what they did to that golem- -”
“That one already badly damaged golem? Indeed. But I understand the true capacity of this facility. That right now it is sleeping, dormant. Barely drawing power from the Hand at all!”
“And when we get the Hand?” asked Argiopé. “Do you actually intend to use it?”
Caballeron laughed. “Use it? Dear Argiopé, of course not! At this point I doubt it even has a use! More than likely it is some pointless relic that the Exmoor ponies worshipped for some reason or another. And if it is magic? What do I care. Magic does not produce profit.”
“Then how do we produce profit?”
Caballeron continued to smile at his own brilliance. “We contact Wun Perr-Synt.” 
“Boss,” said Rogue, growing pale. “That’s not a good idea. That’s not a good idea at all! She hates us!”
“No, she’s angry, and there’s a difference. I will contact her. Apologize profusely, beg, plead, whatever I have to. I will give her back the Spear of Extinction as a good-will gesture…and then sell her the Hand of Doom.” 
“Will she buy that?”
“Will she buy it? Of course she will! I’ve heard her on multiple occasions state that she would give even her very horn for an Exmoori artifact! And while I don’t particularly please being gifted her most precious organ, I would gladly accept a fair sum of cash in lieu.”
“But boss, the portal. We can’t get back- -”
“Trust me, Rogue. If Perr-Synt knows that there is an Exmoori artifact hanging in the balance, she will find a way to open her own. Even if it means enlisting the help of Celestia herself. Or tearing Equestria in half.” 
“And you’ll share the profits?” asked Rogue.
Caballeron glared. “You may get a slight bonus if you perform well.”
“That isn’t what I mean.”	
“Argiopé doesn’t get paid.”
“I get something that rhymes, though.” 
“I mean the zebra,” said Rogue.
Caballeron sighed. “Well, yes. Actually I was meaning to have a meeting about that, later, but I suppose I can at least let you know that I was considering extending him a job offer.”
“Well, diversity in the workforce is always a good thing. I’m for it.”
“I’m not!” cried Argiopé. “I already told you! No zebra maidens!”
“Do you…even know what a maiden is?” 
Argiopé blushed, which was bluish in color considering her bioluminescence. “Well, no, if I have to admit. Changelings don’t really…have…gender…”
“Hmm. Well it would have been nice if you had let me know that sixth months ago. Nevertheless, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Because I’m the only pony you’ll ever love?”
“No. Because Zel is male.”
“Oh.”  
They started walking again, and Caballeron’s voice began to fade as they left the room. “Fine. I’ll think on it. But don’t let anything we said here leave the room, especially to that one in the thin armor, their leader. If she finds us out, we don’t get paid.”
“Or live,” said Rogue, darkly.
“That too. And if you see Withers, don’t let him know. He’ll find out later. He’s just too talkative, he’ll let it slip for sure.” 
They left. When they had, Rainbow Dash kicked the top of the barrel and jumped out, wiping changeling saliva from her body. The room was once again dark, and the voices had faded. Not that it mattered. 
“I have to tell Daring Do!” she cried, dashing toward the door from where she had come, hoping that she might find a way back. Before she reached it, though, she stopped. A different thought had occurred to her. “No!” she said, suddenly, turning around. “I have to warn Absence!” 
She then took off, speeding in a different direction entirely.