Dear Sunbutt,
Guess what, Cadence has given birth and I can't help but wonder if that fertility spell and all that horn sex I gave to Cadence was all worth it. I have always wanted a foal of my own but it would be downright disgusting to hook up with a stallion because I don't find them attractive. Also it would be uncouth for me to have to carry a baby inside of me so that is why I chose Cadence. She is the Princess of Love and shit like that, right? Anyway, once I get up there and see it, I might know.
Thinking I Might be a "Dad"
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Sex Toy,
After seeing the little one I have come to the conclusion that we have to go on that talk show that does the paternity tests. I have a very strong feeling that Flurry Heart may have been conceived using my magic instead of Shining's semen. This will be very fun going on that show and being in front of an audience that will absolutely adore me and adore me even more when it is announced that Flurry is MINE, ALL MINE!
I'm not sure how my brother will react but I honestly don't care. If he were to have an emotional meltdown and divorce you, that would be sweet. Then you and I could get married but if that was to happen, I would be playing the stallion role of the household, got it? I have better magic than you and besides, I provided the seed to conceive her so that is how it would normally work, right?
Now I must say that if she is indeed MY daughter, she is a chip off the old block. Destroying the crystal heart and trying to wipe out an inferior race of equines is just like what I would do. Yeah having to deal with a blizzard was a pain in the ass but if what I think winds up being true, it will be all worth it.
Hoping I'm the Father,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
I want to know something, why the hell did you make my first friendship lesson so undesirable? Look, I had no desire to go and reunite with that loser. Seriously, the idiot knows next to no magic and the only thing that makes him even remotely important is that he provided the books that allowed us to fix the crystal heart. I may have pretended to be happy that we decided to communicate once every hundred moons but I have much more important things on my agenda. Things like improving my magic to the point I could ascend myself and wooing Fluttershy into wanting to be my marefriend is WAY MORE IMPORTANT.
Tell you what, how about you be friends with him instead. He is a bookworm, you are a bookworm and both of you are nerds so I'm sure you'd get along just fine. Now if you will excuse me, Fluttershy offered to fix me some supper so I must cut this short.
Your Irritated Student,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
Look, it was a mere friendship lesson. I never said anything about you actually having to give a shit about him after we left. Hell he could go kill himself later today and I'd still consider it a success.
However, I am not thrilled that you are continuing to succeed with these friendship with benefits lessons with Fluttershy. You are not nearly good enough for her, not even close. The only one that is worthy of having her is me and mark my words, one of these days I will woo her into my sleeping chambers and she will discover that you simply aren't that good, dump you and welcome a whole bunch of Sparkle into her life.
I do know one thing, she would be much happier if she did.
Your Fluttershy Seeking Teacher,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Also, don't you even think about trying to learn enough to ascend yourself. I made plans to do that and I got banished to Ponyville so unless you stop making plans like that, I will banish you to some place very unpleasant. Given that you can barely tolerate Sunburst, I'll banish you to the Crystal Empire, got it?
To A Slutty Princess,
Do you realize what an uproar a scandal like that would cause? If it turned out you are the father and the whole nation discovered it, I would have ponies from all over the land demanding that I strip you of your wings, your title and remove that longevity spell and I am not about to do that. I do not want to reward you for causing this many problems.
Tell you what, we'll go to Manehattan to go on the Iron Will show but your parents are going to pay for the trip. I am not about to use federal funds because of your mistake. Yes I know they will bitch about it but I'm thinking I'll have them come with us as well. That way it will cost them more, the lodging will be more expensive and they can belittle whichever one of you two turns out not to be the father.
I'll make all the reservations AFTER your parents give me their credit card, alright.
Ready to Fine Your Parents Again,
Princess Celestia
Dear Twilight,
You know what, I will talk to Shiny if you do wind up being the father and tell him it is his fault for allowing me to screw you every weekend. I will tell him that you used a fertility spell without my permission and that it is not my fault I got pregnant because of you and I know he will understand. As far as we go though, forget it. You violated my trust with that fertility spell and have caused a lot of strife in my marriage and I don't need this anymore.
Next time you need a bootie call, go to the spa because I'm done with you.
Sincerely,
Princess Cadence