Chapter Thirty-Six "The One with Deadpool"
At the peak of noon, the skies were perfectly blue, allowing the sun to give light and warmth to the land below. Within the home, the entire Parker-Sparkle family sat at the living room table. Twilight quietly held a milk bottle in Ben's mouth, removing it once the baby seemed satisfied. The woman shifted her gaze to the side, settling on Peter as he wrote a plethora of notes and formulas into a small book with a simple green long-sleeve shirt that she gave him a couple days ago.
After saving Sonata, the young man wanted to document the key details of the vaccination for future reference and historic backing, having done the same before with the updated changeling feeding technique. Mayday stood next to her father with JARVIS in hand. She typed as fast as he wrote, documenting a backup file at his request. Twilight watched the pair with a grin. The more she watched Mayday grow, it became increasingly apparent that she was indeed their daughter, with her studious mindset and gifted intellect.
"I'm so proud of you two!" Twilight cheered, smiling brightly as she alternated her violet gaze between Peter and Mayday. Ben cooed sweetly, clapping eagerly. Twilight giggled before pulling the baby gently into her arms. "That's right, sweetie. Daddy and your sister did something amazing!"
Peter chuckled, shifting his gaze to the baby as he continued to write. "It was a team effort thing. I'm just glad we got the cure to Sonata in time. We cut it really close yesterday." The young man let out a relieved sigh, closing the book before retrieving a separate piece of paper holding a set of notes and formulas. After scrolling through the walls of text and numbers, Peter nodded. "Okay. That's everything documented regarding the cure for the sirens. We'll give that to Celestia once everything blows over."
Twilight shared a knowing glance with her husband. "That's a good idea. I'm sure Princess Celestia will put it in the Canterlot Archives for safekeeping, and we can hang on to our own copy, in case something happens."
Peter nodded before glancing to the side. "You get everything, Mayday?"
"Got it right here, Daddy," Mayday grinned, waving her iPod. Once she earned a content nod from her father, the young girl took ahold of the book and flipped through its pages. "I still can't believe that we actually did it! First, the changelings, and now, the sirens!" The young girl held the book open out to her younger brother, showing him a page. The baby reached out, placing his hands over the page while his parents watched with equally warm smiles. Mayday's bright grin was matched only by her yellow irises as she nodded feverishly. "Look out, Equestria! Team Parker-Sparkle is turning the tide!"
Peter glanced at his family, placing the end of the pen into his mouth. "Slow down, sweetie. You know how everyone's unique biology can lead to variable outcomes. Plus, we have no idea if Aria and Adagio will even want the vaccination. All we can do is hope that they're not difficult about it."
"Why would they be difficult about it?" Sonata questioned, peeking into the living room from the nearest door. She shared a smile with everyone at the table before taking a seat next to the young man. Sonata gently placed both hands over Peter's forearm and squeezed it affectionately. "That sounds silly. I mean, you actually found a cure for us! I can't thank you enough for that!"
Peter scratched the back of his head and chuckled sheepishly. "It's nothing, Sonata. A promise is a promise, and that's what friends are for." The young man sobered, clearing his throat. "The reason I'm worried Aria and Adagio won't want the vaccination is because of how much of your biology it'll change. You three have fed on negative emotions your entire lives. With that gone, you lose a large part of what made you sirens in the first place."
Twilight frowned. "That's right. We know that it doesn't bother you, but how would your friends feel? Remapping your genome is a big deal, and it may take a long time to adjust to such a change."
Sonata tilted her head to the side and glanced towards the ceiling. "Well, I know Aria won't mind. Really, she probably won't even care about that. If anything, she'll think it's more convenient to eat now. I'm happy about the change. It was never a good feeling knowing that we had to hurt everyone just to feed." The siren folded her arms and glanced to the side. "I can't speak for Adagio though. Ever since you had that duel with Blueblood, she's been acting… differently."
Mayday leaned over her seat. "What do you mean?"
Sonata's eyes softened. "Adagio's not bad. She just had a really bad experience once, and she doesn't know how to trust anyone now. I think all of the negative emotions that Adagio's been feeding on has started to change her. 'You are what you eat,' basically." She faced Peter with a concerned gaze, pursing her lip. "Adagio's really stubborn, and I'm worried that she won't want to listen to us."
Peter placed a hand over Sonata's shoulder. "That's what tough love is for. I'm sure we'll get through to her."
As the siren and young man shared a smile, Gwen rushed into the room and pointed a thumb behind her position. "Hey! You've gotta see this!"
Wasting no time, everyone followed the blonde and reached the main living room. Those around watched the television sternly. At the center of the screen, a newscast followed a speeding car as it raced through the city streets. The camera zoomed in, revealing the driver and passenger. Deadpool sat in the driver's seat, raising a middle finger at the camera, and Lady Deadpool stuck her butt out of the passenger's window, whooping before pulling her tights down. Suddenly, the male mercenary retrieved a gun and shot the camera, causing static to fill the television screen.
Peter blinked, shaking his head. "Oh, no!Pleasetell me that was a crazy cosplayer acting out their fantasy and not the real Deadpool."
Eris materialized into existence inches away from the television before pressing the power button, shutting off the electronic device. "I'm afraid it was. This is Discord's doing." She exhaled before folding her arms. "I know, because I recognize Lady Deadpool's essence."
Patricia's complexion paled as she smack the top of her forehead with a hand. "So, thatwasWanda!"
Blinking, Peter shared a glance with his female counterpart before a realization to mind. "Oh, that's right. Wedohave the same heroes and villains. Their genders are just reversed." Slow to respond, Peter shivered involuntarily. "Deadpool as a chick? Thatisa scary thought."
Twilight's brow lowered in thought. "Deadpool? Isn't that the eccentric loudmouth that we fought on Earth years ago? Why is he here? What's Discord trying to do?"
Eris scoffed, frowning. "He's spreading chaos. As you all know, I've broken many rules to help you. Discord's learned of my intentions, and he's not pleased in the slightest. This ruse is a means to wear me down." Eris raised a glowing hand, but the energy dissipated in a spark, earning a frustrated groan from the woman. "I should've known. I can't simply send Wade and Wanda back to their respective worlds. Discord's using his own power to keepmefrom interfering. I'll need two of you to stop both Deadpools."
Sunset arched a brow. "Why just two of us? Wouldn't it be better if we all went?"
"No. I would not recommend that. There would be too much chaos in one area to contain. Besides, Discord may try something. I'll need the rest of you with me if that turns out to be the case," Eris declared, shaking her head. "I have to act as damage control. Whatever is destroyed, I can fix, but I need you to stop them first. I recommend Peter and Patricia, seeing as you all have a history. Hopefully, that can help minimize the damage."
Peter nodded. "Got it. Sure. I'll go. I've fought Deadpool before. I'll have an idea of what to expect. Plus, it'll be a good way to see if my training's paying off."
Patricia walked up next to the young man. "Wanda's nuttier than a fruitcake. If your Deadpool is anything like her, I'm going with you."
Peter smiled. "Sounds good. We'll watch each other's backs."
Patricia playfully punched her male counterpart's arm before rushing out of the room with a wink. "Just don't stare for too long."
Before the young man could react, Mayday rushed to his side before offering him his patented costume. As he rubbed the top of her head appreciatively, Twilight approached with a stern expression. "Be careful. Those two are unpredictable, and Idon'twant to see you hospitalized again."
Peter leaned forward, planting a warm kiss on Twilight's cheek. "We'll be careful." He rushed out of the room, following Patricia's lead. "I have to change. We'll be back before you know it!"
As that transpired, Eris walked towards the nearest window and scowled. "You're willing to go this far, Discord? You're pathetic."
In the heart of the city, a blue sports car sped through the streets with half a dozen police vehicles on its trail. However, as the squad cars neared the getaway vehicle, Lady Deadpool stuck her upper body out of the passenger's window, with an automatic rifle in hand. Deadpool turned sharply, causing his vehicle to skid to a halt while facing the swarm of cop cars. Lady Deadpool's masked eyes narrowed as her male counterpart retrieved a sack of thumbtacks from the backseat. Suddenly, Deadpool loaded the bag into a large air gun before peeking out of the side window and shooting the item in the midst of the squadron vehicle patrol.
"We challenge you to a game of extreme billiards!" Lady Deadpool exclaimed, firing a shot from her rifle before the sack could reach the ground. The bullet pierced the item, causing it to explode. Thousands of thumbtacks sped out in countless directions, imbedding deep into the cars' bodies and tires. Every vehicle spun out of control as their tires were reduced to shreds of rubber, some careening off road while others flipped onto their sides. Lady Deadpool chuckled, eyeing the pile up with a masked smile. "I win."
"I'm fairly sure billiards doesn't work that way."
"That's why we call itextremebilliards!"
Deadpool shifted his gaze about aimlessly. "Okay. You heard the man-goat. Let's make enough noise so that we'll get our fantastical gifts."
"Whyare we doing this exactly?"
"Because we need time to kill while they're making Deadpool 2. Our best buddy, Cable, is gonna be in it!"
Deadpool nodded. "So until then, we'll hang out with our second best buddy in the whole wide world. It's been over three stories since we've seen him."
"I've heard that his female counterpart is hot. I'd like to shoot her web."
"That doesn't make senseanyway you put it."
Before either inner monologue could commence further, Lady Deadpool's masked eyes widened as they narrowed on two individuals approaching through the air on a pair of web strands. The female mercenary squealed, placing both hands over her cheeks. "Walloping websnappers! Now comes my husbando… and that bitch that looks like him!"
"That's copyright infringement. Are youtryingto get sued?"
"We can always just drop our top. That usually gets everyone's attention."
"Don't. This story has enough rule thirty-four pictures as is. You drop your top, you'll get added to the frenzy. Well, you'd like that anyway. Just drive, shoot, and yodel for now."
Deadpool slammed his foot on the accelerator, causing their car to speed off. Lady Deadpool sang in falsetto, aiming a machine gun skyward towards the spiders before opening fire. Spider-Man broke from his webbing, landing on the nearest rooftop. The barrage of bullets forced Spider-Woman to flip in the opposite direction, with her landing on a rooftop across the street from her male counterpart. Deadpool sharply turned into an alley, running over every trashcan in sight before they reached an empty street.
Wanda arched a brow at her male counterpart. "Do you think we lost them?
Deadpool nodded, waving a hand dismissively. "Of course we did, and I won't be comically proven otherwise!" Suddenly, Spider-Woman landed on the hood of their car, holding a blank gaze at the pair of mercenaries as they screeched in response. Deadpool slammed his foot on the accelerator once more. "My hubris foresaw this!"
Patricia held her ground, remaining perched on the hood of the car. "What are you two doing here?"
Lady Deadpool cleared her throat. "Oh. We were just taking in the sights and heading towards a little neighborhood called 'None of Your Goddamned Business'!"
Suddenly, the female mercenary pulled a shotgun from underneath her seat and aimed at Spider-Woman. She fired, destroying the windshield, but Patricia jumped high overhead, avoiding the spread of shrapnel. Spider-Woman landed on the top of the car. However, Lady Deadpool cocked her gun before opening fire right away through the car's ceiling. She shot repeatedly and rapidly, pausing once countless holes plagued the car's top.
Patricia's hand suddenly burst through the side window and punched Lady Deadpool's jaw before snatching her collar. Faster than the female mercenary could react, she was hurled outside. Deadpool watched the spectacle with a widened gaze, blinking obliviously. Spider-Man landed on the hood of the car in a squatting position. Both men just stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, one blankly and the other bewildered.
"You know, Ishouldask what you guys are doing," Spider-Man grumbled, clenching his fist.
Deadpool shrugged. "That'd be pointless. We'd just bicker like the married couple we are. How's your horse-wife doing by the way?"
Spider-Man flipped over the car, landing on the rear bumper before kicking the vehicle skyward. He shot out strands of webbing, netting the car in a net between two light poles. Spider-Man dusted his hands off. "My wife's fine. Thanks for asking."
Spider-Man's masked eyes widened as a high-pitched scream neared his position. He turned, only to find Lady Deadpool leaping through the air with her arms fully extended mere inches away. Too stunned and bewildered to react, Peter was tackled to the ground. When they came to a stop, Wanda was sprawled on the chest of a Spider-Man who was trying not to move too much, seeing as he was dizzy from hitting the back of his head against the concrete. Lady Deadpool took the opportunity to wrap her arms around the young man's chest before she snuggled against him.
"Hi there, lover boy! Did you miss your waifu?" Lady Deadpool hummed, wiggling her hips while grinding her pelvis against that of her captive.
Peter groaned, managing to lift his head slightly. "Can you get off of me, Rule Sixty-Three Deadpool? This position is a little provocative for my taste."
"That's the idea!" Wanda grinned. Her masked eyes widened once she felt something rise, but the female mercenary chuckled, intensifying her grinding streak. "Ha, I see you're a grower, not a shower."
Spider-Man gulped, feeling the woman's body temperature rise. "I need an adult?"
Lady Deadpool purred. "Iaman adult."
"There'sanotherTeamFourStar reference. Anyway. Can someonepleasestop this woman from molesting the main character further?"
As if on cue, Patricia swung across the street on a strand of webbing, slamming both of her feet into Lady Deadpool's face with a fierce kick. Wanda pinwheeled across the air before landing on her feet. As she snapped her jaw back into place, Deadpool teleported by her side in a burst of energy. Peter pulled himself back to a standing position, groaning as a news helicopter hovered over their positions.
Lady Deadpool clapped her hands together and grinned gleefully, swaying her hips. "Oh, hey! Did they get that grinding on tape? I want to post it on my Instagram!"
"Don't forget about your Pornhub channel!"
Deadpool nodded. "I'd say we did our job well. Let's get back to the checkpoint. That means it's time for one of my favorite types of action scenes!" He placed a hand over Wanda's shoulder before the pair vanished from sight. They suddenly materialized several stories above the street, on the catwalk of a large building. Deadpool sang in falsetto before running away with his female counterpart following closely behind. "Time for a high-speed chase!"
Patricia quickly located the pair of mercenaries, pointing skyward. "We can't let them get away!"
Spider-Man and Spider-Woman each shot a strand of webbing onto the upper side of the building, both slingshotting skyward with enough force to land perfectly on the catwalk. They quickly closed the gap between themselves and the pair of mercenaries. Once a few feet apart, Patricia fired a strand of webbing at the duo. However, Lady Deadpool turned sharply, gripping the back of her male counterpart's collar before diving off the side of the building. They vanished from sight, appearing across the street on the floor of an abandoned building.
Peter and Patricia leaped, soaring gracefully through the air. They rolled upright upon landing, never losing momentum as they continued their chase. The pair of mercenaries neared an edge, with Lady Deadpool throwing a grenade behind her position before leaping off the floor. Deadpool followed suit, retrieving his handgun and firing the explosive. Patricia skidded to a halt, inhaling sharply as the grenade detonated. Fortunately, Peter shot a strand of webbing onto her back, yanking her into his waiting arms before he spun behind a stone column.
The force of the explosion dissipated, and the flames slowly died out around them. Both spiders gave each other a knowing glance, racing around the corner and towards the edge. They paused upon spotting the pair of mercenaries standing on a rooftop above their already staggering height. Civilians gathered at the streets below, no doubt after hearing the explosion. Spider-Man and Spider-Woman jumped high into the air, launching strands of webbing onto the building in the distance. They swung, landing a few feet away from the pair of mercenaries.
An energy portal materialized into existence behind the duo before the spiders could advance. Deadpool waved his hand. "Oh, hey! Sorry that we couldn't stay longer, but our cameo's come to an end. Discord wants us back now."
Spider-Man tilted his head to the side. "Hold on. That's it? I'm surprised here. I expected you or Discord to do much worse."
"Oh, Discord will! He's saving that for later!"
"Keep quiet. Let's not spoil anything for the readers."
Spider-Woman growled under her breath, lowering into a defensive stance. "Yeah? What's stopping us from kicking your butts before you can run back to Discord?" Suddenly, the news helicopter reached their positions, hovering above. Lady Deadpool grinned, retrieving a rocket launcher from her back pocket. Spider-Woman's masked eyes furrowed sadly. "Aw, crumbs…"
Lady Deadpool winked at Spider-Man. "This cameo was fun! I'll see you later, sweetie!" She quickly turned her attention to the helicopter before flipping off Spider-Woman. "Suck it, Fat-Ass!"
Upon firing the rocket, the recoil launched Lady Deadpool into her male counterpart, and the pair of mercenaries tumbled into the portal, causing it to close immediately. The rocket collided into the back propellor of the helicopter, destroying it before sending the aircraft into a downward spiral. Spider-Woman and Spider-Man hopped onto the side of the helicopter. One grabbed the reporter while the other helped the cameraman and pilot. Both spiders leapt away from the aircraft, landing on the rooftop. However, the helicopter crashed against the edge of the rooftop before careening over the side, plummeting for the streets below.
Spider-Woman blinked. "That's not good!"
Spider-Man shook his head furiously, dropping both the cameraman and pilot before rushing ahead. "No, it's not! That thing will crush those innocent people below!"
Holding her silence, Spider-Woman groaned inwardly. "Hmm. Am I really that impulsive? No. Of course not."
Sprinting before leaping over the edge after the helicopter, Spider-Man entered a free fall and used a strand of webbing to pull himself to the underbelly of the helicopter. With his back against the aircraft, he shifted his gaze from the approaching ground to the surrounding buildings. Stretching his arms so that they faced the opposite direction of each other, Spider-Mane launched two strands of webbing, both latching to different buildings.
Straining, he pulled the strand together and formed a cohesive thread. The weight of the helicopter was already wearing on the gossamer, stretching until it readied to snap. However, Spider-Man repeated his action several times at lightning speed, forming eight strands to create four threads, then thirty-two to sixteen. Only a few seconds remained until collision. Deliberately losing his footing, Peter fell with his back facing the ground and gaze focused on the helicopter's underbelly, particularly the center of the web that held the threads in place.
With his arms extended, Spider-Man unleashed an array of webbing, covering a majority of the bottom side, but it served its purpose as extra padding, strengthening the bond of the many helicopter's descent slowed to a steady halt, thanks to the makeshift 'web' net it rested in. Once certain danger had been averted, the young man spun around and extended his hand, but nothing happened as his plummet grew faster by the second. Spider-Man shook his hands frantically to no avail. His cartridges were depleted, leaving him with no way to break his fall.
"Aw, man. Not again," Peter groaned, grimacing as the events of the blimp incident in Manehattan played back through his head. However, he glanced to the side as Patricia swung by on a strand of webbing. Before the young man could reach the ground, Spider-Woman reached out and captured his hand. The pair reached a rooftop of a smaller building, one floor from street level. Spider-Man eyed the street level before letting out a relieved sigh. "Thanks. That landing would've sucked."
"Don't mention it. I'm just glad you stopped that helicopter from making pancakes out of the people below," Patricia replied, exhaling. Her masked eyes furrowed before she folded her arms in a huff. "What was the point of all of that? As far as I can tell, all the 'Pools really did was cause a ruckus. They really didn't hurt anyone too badly. Thank God." The latter of her statement was barely audible, delivered through a whisper as she watched the helicopter dangle in place within its web net. She glanced back at her male counterpart. "Discord's got a motive. What do you think it is?"
Slow to respond, Spider-Man turned his gaze to the people on the streets before pointing in their direction. "That."
Countless people watched the spectacle in awe. Some pointed at the heroes with admiration, cheering for their feats. However, others visibly displayed fear, retreating while others warily cursed the oddities above them. A second helicopter hovered above the Spiders, aiming a spotlight towards them as the reporter frantically bestilled what had transpired.
Taken aback, Patricia tilted her head to the side. "Wait. Are they afraid of us?"
Peter shook his head and grimaced. "Yeah. The people ofthisEarth aren't used to seeing beings like us. People fear what they don't understand, and fear leads to chaos. Trust me. I know what it's like when someone's afraid of you. Everyone in Equestria acted the same way around me after I was possessed by Nightmare Moon on Earth."
Patricia rubbed the back of her head. "Oh, wow. You're right. This wasn't a big deal for us, but it's humongous forthem. World-changing, really."
Suddenly, the environment around them slowed, coming to a halt while fading to a tone and shade of grey. The blades on the helicopter's propeller, the people on the streets, and even the birds in the sky were frozen in place. It was as if time had stopped, both figuratively and literally. Patricia stammered about at the sudden change of events, moving out of the helicopter's spotlight. Once it failed to react, Spider-Woman shared a glance with her male counterpart, who only shrugged cluelessly.
A bright portal of energy materialized behind the pair before Eris stepped out of it, holding a stern expression. "You're both absolutely right. This entire fiasco was just a ruse to cause a disturbance amongst the locales. Fictional characters coming to life and running amok will cause a panic." Eris folded her arms, frowning. "Every planet has a different quota for how much chaos is okay before it dissolves into anarchy. This incident, while small for the likes of you, is catastrophic here, and has thrown everything off balance. Discord knows this. Heintendedfor this to happen."
Patricia tilted her head to the side. "So, what should we do?"
Eris folded her sleeves back until they reached her elbows. "Leave this to me. Ididsay I'm damage control."
The entire world distorted, morphing as pieces of the environment broke apart. Any damage done reverted out of existence, as if never happening in the first place. The strands of webbing holding the helicopter in place dissipated before stringing back into the cartridges on his wrists. Sparkles of energy gleamed over the pristine environment.
Eris staggered, taking in labored breaths while she wiped a forearm over her sweaty brow. "There. Everything's undone. Everything within the city limits besides us and our friends won't remember anything that happened within the past three hours."
Patricia blinked, nodding. "That's convenient. Sounds like you're using the neuralizer from Women in Black."
Peter glanced to the side, contemplating a response before simply shrugging. "I won't even open that can of worms. Sounds confusing." The young man walked up to Eris, placing a hand over her shoulder. "Are you okay?"
Eris forced a smile, nodding. "I'll be fine. I just need some rest. We should head back. If Discord's going to keep doing this, we'll have to hurry this up. Once you're able, you must continue your training, Peter. I fear that our time is limited now."
As the trio faded from sight, Discord watched from the outer reaches with a smug grin. "You chose this path, Eris. Now, you must reap what you sowed." Glancing off to the side, a fanged smiled graced his features. "Perhaps I'll take this time to consult with our promising young friend."
To be continued...