//------------------------------// // 15. - The Talk // Story: This Nose Knows // by Irrespective //------------------------------// “Are you just about ready to go, my dear?” Celestia called out while doing a quick double-check of her regalia in the mirror. “Yeah, I’m good,” he replied. “I’m sorry about messing things up this morning.” “Think nothing of it.” Celestia giggled. “It’s not very often a pony accidentally eats a bar of soap in the shower.” “Half bar,” he corrected, “and what can I say? I’m a natural klutz sometimes.” “But you are a very loveable klutz with morning meadow breath now.” Celestia gave a happy giggle, and Philomena offered a matching, chirping laugh. “Oh, you too?” Bean laughed. “I suppose I deserve it. Shall we?” “We shall.” Celestia picked up Bean and placed him on her back, and Philomena joined him. “You will behave yourself, young lady, right?” Philomena blushed a bit and nodded sheepishly. Bean then grew thoughtful for a moment while Celestia’s magic began to flow. “You know, Philomena, I remember hearing a small snippet of a story from Luna on the first night of my marriage. She told me of a phoenix that had decided to, how did she put it? Ah yes, ‘traumatize’ poor Fluttershy during her rebirth cycle. That didn’t just so happen to be you, did it?” Philomena nodded again and gave a chirp that sounded like ‘guilty as charged’ to Bean. “I bet Fluttershy will be happy to see you again anyway,” Bean remarked while he felt time and space begin to distort with the teleportation spell. “She doesn’t strike me as the type to hold a grudge.” One quick pop and a flash of golden magic later found Bean, Celestia, and Philomena in Fluttershy’s front room. Bean glanced around quickly while he was lowered to the ground, and a happy squawk from Philomena matched the subdued greeting from the hostess of the party. “Well hello, Philomena!” Fluttershy held out a hoof, and Philomena gave the pegasus a quick nuzzle in greeting once she landed. “What a pleasant surprise! I’m very glad to see you. How are you?” Philomena offered a quick succession of cheerful chirps, and Fluttershy nodded. “I see. Well, it sounds like you’ve been having lots of fun with the Prince! How long will you be staying in Canterlot?” “Celestia!” Discord bellowed, with a bone-popping hug and a massive grin for the diarch. “So good to see you again! I’m so delighted you’ve joined us for tea.” “Hello to you too, Discord,” Celestia offered with an awkward pat on his back to return the ‘hug.’ “May I safely assume at this point that you will greet us in such a manner for every tea date?” “But of course! I totally expect you to be too busy to join us, so it’s always a joy to find you here. And Bean-o! You made it too!” “But of course!” Bean echoed back with a quick hoofbump for Discord’s outstretched paw. “It’s good to see you again, too. How’s that pool coming?” “Oh, you know,” he scoffed. “Subcontractor issues abound. I can’t get anypony to give me a decent quote on my Ode to Discord’s Chaos mosaic I want to have installed on the bottom. It’s almost like they expect money to grow on trees in the Chaos zone.” “It doesn’t?” “Bean-o, there are some things you simply do not mess with, even if you are the Master of Chaos. The last thing I need is some dreaded Escrow attacking my house and eating my capital gains.” “Good thing Celestia has kept me away from the Finance ministry then.” “You have no idea. Fluttershy, do you need any help with the tea?” “Oh, no, thank you,” she replied while holding up a fireberry with a wing for Philomena’s enjoyment. “Everything should be ready, I just need to bring it out.” “Oh, wait!” Bean groaned. “I forgot the cookies.” “It was a busy morning, after all.” Celestia gave him a wink. “I will make sure we bring extra next week to make up for it.” “Oh, and I was looking forward to your cookies.” Discord pouted while the three of them settled in on the furniture. “They’re quite addictive.” “Sorry. I really did mean to get them done.” “Well, I suppose I can forgive you this one time.” He huffed while Fluttershy wheeled in the tea and treats. “But don’t let it happen again!” “I won’t, don’t worry. Fluttershy, where is Harry?” “Oh, he sends his apologies,” Fluttershy giggled while she handed out tea cups. “His mother came by for a visit this week.” “I suppose that would take priority over us.” “Yes, but his mother dotes on him so, and it drives him crazy sometimes,” Fluttershy giggled. “She is a very picky bear, and poor Harry never seems to get her requests right. The last time she came, the porridge was too hot, his chairs were too hard, and his guest bed was too stiff. I offered to help him, but he said he thinks he has everything just right this time, so long as he doesn’t break her favorite chair.” “I can totally understand persnickety parents.” Bean rubbed his chin while Celestia began to pour the tea. “I wouldn’t be very happy if someone broke my favorite chair, either.” “It would take quite a bit of effort to break the throne, Bean-o,” Discord offered with a sly bob of his eyebrows. “Actually, it’s the third chair from the end on the far side of the table in the dining room,” Bean replied with a small laugh. “I don’t know why, but that thing is comfy! I’ve threatened to move it into the throne room a few times, but Celly keeps telling me no.” “Luna would miss it,” Celestia offered while blowing the steam away from her tea. “That she would,” Bean had to agree. “So how are things in Canterlot, Bean-o?” Discord asked before taking a large bite out of his teacup. “Did Wysteria ever get around to telling her coltfriend the big news?” “She did, actually, just yesterday.” “Oh? How did that go over?” he asked, and he leaned forward in anticipation and with a huge grin. “Do tell, please.” “Discord, you know royals don’t gossip,” Bean chided. Discord gave Bean a highly annoyed look. “Bean-o, you really need to liven up. Your chaos production as of late has been trending downward, and that’s not a good sign.” “Should I tell him, Celly?” “I suppose we both should,” she replied. “Wysteria did give us permission, after all.” “Very well then,” Bean offered, and Discord let out a small squeal of delight. “Let’s see. I suppose the best place to start would be yesterday morning…” Wysteria Inkwell was already sick of being pregnant. Her mother had warned her about morning sickness, and the Inkwell Curse. There had been descriptive warnings about what would happen when she first conceived, and how long it would last. From there, things would get worse, until by the end of it she’d be so bloated and nauseous that the only thing she’d be able to do is roll over in bed and eat three-day old onion peels that had been boiled in cacti juice. At the time, Wysteria had been able to shrug off Mama Inkwell’s tales of hormonal doom with the knowledge that Mama always did tend to be overdramatic. But based on the severity and frequency of trips to the lavatory and the special bags she now carried with her for ‘just in case,’ she was beginning to fear Mama had been right about everything. Maybe the little one inside her would be nice and allow her to hold down pickle juice instead of onions. She hated onions. But, it was time for court now, and violent reminders of her previous meal at random moments or not, she was going to do as much of her job as she could for as long as possible. The work of Equestria went forward, and while the Princess could probably handle things on her own, Wysteria would have to admit she felt a twinge of betrayal whenever she wasn’t there to take care of the minutiae that needed attending to. A few pages on her clipboard flipped while she walked to the throne room, and a quick note was jotted down to remind her to check on her maternity leave benefits. Eventually she would need to use them, but not yet. Not yet. “You are going to tell us what happened, right?” Discord asked with annoyance. “Don’t ask the aspiring author to tell you a story if you don’t want background details,” Bean retorted with an assured smile. “Fine. Proceed.” Wysteria sighed softly as she walked, and her mind went to the one thing it had been preoccupied with ever since she’d found out about this little dilemma: how was she going to tell Quill? She’d already spent a couple of sleepless nights trying to figure out how to break the news and how the conversation would go, but this always led to more questions and more worry about how he would react and what he’d say. But she knew she had to tell, and the sooner the better. His reaction to her news would only become worse with time, and come what may, she would feel much better about the situation once she knew where they stood and what the path forward was going to look like. At least she had the support of her employers. Princess Celestia and Prince Bean had been profuse in their statements of support, and Luna had burst out in joyful glee when she had caught the secretary the morning after the revelation, with a lengthy list of names that would pair with Inkwell and a promise to present the newborn with his or her own star upon arrival, if not before. Even Princess Cadence had sent a reply letter with an offer to induct her new foal as an honorary member of the Empire, complete with a Crystalling and special shipment of the finest Crystal baby toys that could be produced. But, yet again, that left the matter of Quill. While Wysteria would absolutely love if, somehow, it could be arranged for Quill to be dragged before Celestia in chains... No, just presented before Her Highness and have the daytime diarch calmly explain everything to the loyal guard, and to then force his acceptance of the foal and his role in her life… “No,” she muttered. There was nothing right about that. Despite her urgent longing for him to step up and to take responsibility for his part in this, there was a very clear possibility that he would walk away from it all, and she knew she would have to respect that, in the end. Ponies were creatures that could choose, and that meant there would always be the option that a choice would not be what one wanted it to be. “Wysteria!” “Quill?!” Wysteria began to hyperventilate. Not yet! She wasn’t ready! She hadn’t had a chance to cross-reference her notes, or to formulate the rebuttal to the Parental Paradigm yet, or— “There you are!” he grunted, and for a brief moment, Wysteria latched onto the fact that he was in his civilian attire and that he held what looked like a tabloid paper in his magic. “We need to talk.” “We do. I mean, we do?” she asked with a nervous twitch under her right eye. “Yeah. Have you seen today’s edition of the Equestrian Exposé?” He held the paper up for her to see, and her panic increased to heart attack inducing levels when she saw the bold headline proclaiming her pregnancy and an exclusive list of her possible dalliances on page six. “What?” she breathlessly asked. “How did they…” “Oh my,” Fluttershy stated in worry with a hoof to her mouth. “I didn’t think that that nasty article was actually true.” “Yeah, it was a bit of a shock when we saw it, too.” Bean gave a long suffering chuckle. “I know it’s important, but that whole freedom of the press thing can be a bit obnoxious sometimes. Did we find out who gave them that scoop, love?” “Not as of yet,” Celestia replied thoughtfully, “but I would imagine it was one of the guests in the palace that day. It may prove to be rather difficult to pinpoint who exactly overheard.” “I guess it doesn’t matter too much since the cat is out of the bag,” Bean shrugged. “Anyway…” “I know, right?” Quill replied. “I was pretty shocked when I saw it. I mean, I can’t believe that Countess Coloratura would snub Songbird Serenade at the Whinnys of all places, can you?” “What?” The gears in Wysteria’s head were beginning to grind together hard enough to generate smoke. “Coloratura?” “Yeah. I’d heard that she didn’t like Songbird’s sudden rise to fame, but this just seems petty now.” “Wait, wait.” Wysteria held up one hoof for a moment, then began rubbing the base of her horn. “You’re not here to talk about diva pop stars.” “No, I’m not,” he sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “I’m here about the… thing.” “Look, Quill, I’m so sorry,” Wysteria quickly offered. “I have no idea how they found out about this so soon. Someone must have overheard me when I was talking to Prince Bean, and—” “It’s the tabloids,” Quill snapped, totally chopping off Wysteria’s practiced and edited confession. “I don’t know why they’re printing this kind of salacious innuendo about you, but I’m going to get a few of the guys from work, and we’ll have a little ‘talk’ to the editor tonight—” “I’m pregnant,” said Wysteria. “I’m really pregnant and you’re the father and there’s no reason to go beat up that poor editor... well, I suppose if you’ve already got it planned, I could set up an alibi, but—”  Wysteria managed a tense smile, although any passing ponies would have fled in terror at her expression. “Say something, Quill.” “You’re really pregnant?” Guards had the most irritating ability to keep a perfectly impassive expression, and although Wysteria wanted to shake him until more words came out, she held herself back. “I am. You can check with Doctor Horsenpfeffer if you don’t believe me.” Quill blinked a few times while he mulled this information over. “No, I can believe it. It explains a whole lot of what’s going on. Who have you told?” “Officially, I’ve only told my family, my employers, and Princess Cadance.” She swatted the paper with one hoof. “Obviously I’m missing a pony somewhere in that.” “So, who would have…” Quill trailed off with a shake of his head. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter how they found out, what matters is what’s going to happen to us now.” “What do you think needs to happen?” Wysteria asked, with no shortage of trepidation in her words. “I am the father, right?” “I don’t know how it could be anypony else. I’m pretty sure this happened back when we were on vacation.” “That’s what I figured. So you are, what? Two months along, roughly?” “Closer to six weeks.” “Huh. Look, I, uh…” Wysteria realized that now would be a fantastic time to remain silent while the Corporal sorted out his thoughts. Besides, part of her breakfast was trying to crawl up her throat, and it was taking all of her concentration to keep it down. “I’m torn a bit, Wys. I really am,” he offered with a nervous glance around. “I mean, I’m stoked that I’ll get to be a Dad, and that I’ll have a little Quill Jr. to raise. I always hoped I could start a family at some point. But I’m also nervous about how this will affect our careers, and how you’re going to react, and what this means for our relationship. We really don’t know each other very well yet, and I don’t want us to be forced into an unnatural relationship over this.” “Unnatural?” “Yeah. I had an uncle that was forced to marry my aunt after this same thing happened, and he has to be one of the most miserable ponies I’ve ever met. He constantly blames my aunt for what happened to him, how her advances derailed the plans for his life, and how she forced him to take care of the foals they had together.” “They had more than one?” “Oh yeah. Twelve, actually. He demanded all of the perks without any of the responsibilities. They finally divorced a few years ago, and my cousins want nothing to do with him. That had an impact on me, and I don’t want to have my kids go through that.” “And I don’t want that either,” Wysteria replied with a heavy sigh. “I want my foals to feel loved, and respected, and I want them to be successful in life.” “Do you even want to keep this foal?” “I’m keeping him,” Wysteria said with enough force to make Quill stumble back a step. “Or her. Or them, I suppose, since twins run in our family. Oh, Discord better not hear that. Him. I’m going… going with him for now, because he’s been… been making me—” She darted to one side of the hallway and promptly hurled into a convenient vase, with the sudden onset of symptoms causing her to forget the emergency bags she had been toting around. It appeared that nerves only made her nausea worse, and while she finished emptying her stomach, she realized her current profession was going to make this a very long pregnancy. “Ugh, and this is a Platinum-era vase,” Wysteria groaned. “It’s going to take at least two weeks to restore. I’m going to have to pay for that out of my salary.” “Has this been happening a lot?” Wysteria fought back a dry heave, but a soft smile came with the feeling of Quill’s heavy hoof patting her gently on the back. At that exact moment, it was the most comforting feeling in all of Equestria. “It comes and goes, but it seems to be tied to how stressed out I feel. It seems like I’m good for at least two ‘incidents’ in a day, though. I dread to think what will happen when he gets big enough to mess with my bladder.” “Oh, wow. You’ve got to be feeling miserable.” “I was,” she replied with a glance over her shoulder to him. “But I’m getting better.” “Look, I… uh, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do right here. I want to tell you it’ll all be fine, but I don’t totally believe that myself. I guess we just need to keep your stress levels down. Oh, and about that Quill Junior crack? It’s okay if you want to name him something else. Or her. Or them, if you’re going to have twins, but do you really think that’s going to happen? Because I can’t think of any names other that Quill, so I’d have to call them One, Two, Three, and so on like my Uncle did, and—I’m going to be a father?” “If you want to be one,” Wysteria gently offered. “I think I want to be,” he offered, “but I think we need to start over with all this. If we’re going to make it as parents, then we need to work on us first.” “Did you have something in mind on how to start?” Wysteria’s horn gently crossed his, and her heart took a small leap when she saw his tail flick in happiness. “One thing. You need some mouthwash.” “Thanks,” she dryly replied while they pulled apart, but she did have a slight smile for the joke. “In all seriousness, if we’re going to go forward with this then we need to be open with one another.” “I totally agree with that, but how do we begin?” Wysteria felt herself tense as the seconds beat by. He needed to say something quickly, or that vase was going to get topped off. “I thought the last Daring Do was overrated. There. I said it.” “I…” she paused a moment, then shook her head in bemusement.  “All right. That’s as good a place as any to start. What do you like to read?” “I really like the Rockhoof and the Great Helm series. One of the best out there, if you ask me.” “Rockhoof? That is so juvenile.” “Hey! My family comes from the old Colt Isles! That’s Heritage!” “Oh? So I suppose you are a fan of The Eager Mares of the Cinnamon Islands?” “I never read that one, actually.” He blushed a bit and rubbed the back of his head. “I’d never hear the end of it if I got caught with that in the barracks.” “Where exactly did your family come from?” “In a place on the coast called the Cloven Hills…” “So, they’re going to try to make this work?” Discord asked. “From what I understand of the situation, yes,” Bean replied. “It’s going to take a lot of work to integrate their libraries, but I think they’ll figure it out and everything will be fine in the end. “It sounds like they’re off to a good start,” Fluttershy offered happily. “I think they’ll be a cute couple, once they figure things out.” “Yes,” Discord yawned. “I’m sure, but you ponies tend to be so boring with things like this! They couldn’t be bothered to have just a teeny-weeny fight? I really wonder about your species sometimes.” “That would be the magic of friendship at work, Discord,” Bean offered. “Ugh, friendship. Friendship can’t solve all problems, Bean.” “But it does take care of a good majority.” Discord pouted and folded his arms. “I suppose so, but still. If they’re going to be so calm about this whole thing, then I’m calling her baby shower off. She clearly would not appreciate my pre-loaded diaper gift.” “Oh, there’s still plenty of chaos, don’t worry,” Bean offered. “I haven’t told you what happened after that.” “There’s more?” Discord asked warily. “This had better be worth it.” “I swear, I didn’t do this!” Quill protested with a great deal of alarm. “I had to be a good five feet away from him, there’s no way I could have tripped him! I mean, I maybe thought about it, but I would never actually do such a thing! He must have tripped, and I really was going to chase him down the stairs! This is all just a horrible accident, Your Highness!” “Oh, I have no doubt of that,” Celestia replied with a kind note in her words. Her magic gently turned the editor of the Equestrian Exposé hoof side down, and she placed him on the floor before continuing. “But it is remarkably good luck that I just happened to be here, and that I was able to catch him before he hit the bottom of the stairwell.” “Right! Just a mistake!” “Exactly. Now, Mister Nut Graf, shall we discuss your article?” There wasn’t much of a reply from the editor, other than the look of one who was having their life flash before them, and a lot of hyperventilating. “He is going to be fine, isn’t he?” “I’m sure he will be, once his panic attack is over,” Celestia replied. “He is shaken but otherwise unharmed.” “He did trip, didn’t he?” “I do not know what else it could have been. Now, Mister Graf, focus! There we go. I need to run along to the throne room. Prince Bean is there, and he will give you the Crown’s official position on Miss Inkwell and her employment status here. I’ll be right along once I deal with Corporal Quillpoint.” Nut Graf staggered away on shaky and unsure steps while muttering “so many stairs” to himself, and Quill gulped loudly while Celestia’s full attention came to him. “Please let your friends in the guard know that Mister Graf will not be causing any more issues for Miss Inkwell. Prince Bean and I have the situation well in hoof.” “I don’t want to know how you’re going to do that. That’s got to be a good five levels above my pay grade.” “Why, we will simply offer him an official position, of course. How else would we handle it?” “Celly, you little minx! I knew you had it in you!” Discord cackled with glee. “I have no idea what you are referring to. I simply happened to be in an optimal place to save Nut Graf from a rather nasty injury, nothing more.” “Right, and I’m a Yak.” He leaned back and gave her a smug smile. “I have to say, you’re beginning to show potential as of late. I think I’ll blame your husband for that.” “If the horseshoe fits,” Bean shrugged with a smile before he gave his Celestia a kiss. “I’ll take the blame for that any day.” When teatime occurred within Fluttershy’s humble but loving cottage, the various animals she tended to would spend the time outside, and today was a fine day to enjoy the pleasantness that the weather team had crafted for Ponyville that day. Birds frollicked in the branches and bantered to and fro from their birdhouses, the mice and chipmunks happily shared a nut feast that had been prepared, as they usually did for these occasions, and the bunnies were happily hopping about a large green meadow as they sniffed and sampled the daisies in bloom. Except for Angel. He had hopped into town to see if he could sneak a few treats from Sugarcube Corner, even though he had been told he needed to watch his weight. Indeed, a casual observer would not have seen anything amiss about the rabbit who was sitting nearby and looking in on the tea party. He seemed to be a rather ordinary grey, with ordinary ears, an ordinary but adorable cotton ball tail, and ordinary whiskers. But a more astute and lengthy observation of the unremarkable fluff would have yielded a singular sight. A plump and puffy-cheeked gopher soon appeared next to the rabbit, glanced at him, then to the window where he was watching, and then back again. “Bob.” “Thorax,” the bunny replied without looking away. “You’re looking well today.” “Shut up. You know I can’t pull off rodents.” “No, really. This is one of your best. You just look very well-fed, nothing more. I assume you gorged yourself in town?” “Since our Queen will just steal it anyway, I figured I might as well enjoy it for a bit,” he grumbled in reply. “Fair enough. I assume you’re here for a status update?” “Yeah. How’s it going? Can you hear what he’s saying?” “Not from here, but I’m not after that today. I’m studying his mannerisms: his little ticks and the way he carries himself. Did you know he blinks once every three point seven seconds?” “That’s… a bit creepy that you know that.” “It’s how you pull off a successful swap.” “I’m just glad she picked you and not me. I don’t want to be anywhere near Celestia when she finds out you’re not him.” “All the more reason for me to get this right. There, see? He just twitched his ear ever so slightly. He does that when somepony says something that he thinks will be interesting. It’s like he’s subconsciously turning his attention fully to it.” “So, does all this mean you’re ready to move forward?” Bob shook his adorably furry head. “Not yet. I still need more time. I wouldn’t be able to fool the Bringer of Bedlam for five seconds. That yellow one, maybe. Oh, but you should go get a treat from her before you leave. They’re magically delicious, somehow.” Thorax nodded. “I’ll consider it. Our Queen is still working on the magic negation stones, so you can take some more time. She will be pleased with your progress.” “She should be. Oh, let Mandible know I’m going to need more bits, too. The price of the guided tour went up, and that’s the only safe way to sneak in into the palace.” “Oh, that’ll make him happy. He came home last night with enough water in his coat to fill a bathtub. It would seem dishwashing is quite the soaking experience.” They both laughed slightly at their fellowling’s discomfort, and then there was a long pause as the two of them continued to watch the party. “And… there. See how he just nodded? That means they’re wrapping up. He does that whenever the conversation begins to wind down. It’s remarkable what you can learn about a pony just by watching them.” “I’ll take your word on that.” “Don’t worry, Thorax. By the time we do make the swap, I’ll be more of a Bean than he ever was. Just do what you need to do, and trust our Queen. Everything will be just perfect.”