//------------------------------// // Disgust // Story: Euphoria // by Kinrah //------------------------------// Incelidus put his head in his hooves. “How did we get into this mess?” “Cheer up, silly,” said Mimix, giving him a playful bump on the shoulder. “It could be worse.” “Really?” She considered this for a moment. “Nah, ‘cause you’re stupid, Uncle Greenie.” “Thanks.” “You’re welcome!” Plan: Simple. Infiltrate posh pony do, gather intel, don’t draw attention, leave. Simplest thing in the world. A drone could have done it. The Queen, however, wanted two of her captains to do it, and so, here they were. So far, they’d learned zip about pony guard movements, Incelidus had learned that he hated posh ponies even more than he thought he did, and Mimix had learned not to let Incelidus talk. Incelidus was good at talking. Incelidus was so good at talking he’d managed to get them both seated at a table, gotten them acquainted with the couple on the next table over, and ordered some food. The teeny tiny problem being that pony food was disgusting and Incelidus couldn’t properly digest it. It wasn’t like he could pass it off on other ponies. The do invitation had been specifically tailored to one pony in particular - a rich unicorn landowner by the name of Green Belt, whose original was safely incarcerated back at his mansion - and with his plus one High Jinx, his bubbly pegasus niece, it would be particularly noticable if a) either of them disappeared or b) any ponies suddenly appeared in the building without a proper invitation. Replacing any of the other diners was a no go; for one, neither of the Captains had studied up on them, and the venue was small enough that anypony incapacitated would be found almost instantly. Truth be told, Incelidus had actually been looking forward to this, because it was a big job and maybe finally he’d redeem himself in the eyes of the Queen. Now he was questioning whether it was worth having a major gastrointestinal dysfunction afterwards. “The tomatoes are very good,” said Mimix around a mouthful of food, earning herself a look of disgust from another nearby couple. “You should try ‘em.” All that was a sham, of course. Sure, she might be able to taste the tomatoes, but she wasn’t getting any nourishment from it. It was difficult to tell, but she probably wasn’t grabbing at the scraps of emotion from the room at large either. Actually feeding was a big no-no. If any of the guests started showing emotion fatigue the jig would be up immediately, and the last thing they wanted was to be captured and taken for interrogation. Incelidus had been there; he’d only managed escape through dumb luck and the ignorance of his interrogator, and that was a mistake they wouldn’t be making again. He prodded at one of the tomatoes with his fork. Defective. That was the word that sprang to mind. He was defective. Big mouth, big stomach, bad digestive system. Not to say he was the only one - compared to the other captains, Mimix herself was tiny - but still… Maybe that was why he never seemed to be able to get praise from the Queen. He’d be doing stuff right, and then one of the three things would kick in and everything would go banana shaped. Or any kind of fruit shaped, really. Oh no. Wait staff alert. The stallion practically oozed up to the table, and if Incelidus had actually been eating he was sure he’d choke on the raw smarm the pony was emitting. “And how are sir and madame finding zheir meal?” “Fan—” Incelidus absent mindedly levitated a napkin in front of Mimix’s face to catch the spray “—tastic.” She swallowed. “Mom never makes stuff this good.” The waiter bowed ridiculously low. “I will pass your compliment to zhe chef.” His Prench accent was annoying, and very, very fake. Even Captain Iaberus could have done better, and that would really be an achievement for a Changeling who thought an ‘accent’ was an intentional accident. “And you, sir?” With the stallion’s attention now diverted away from her, Mimix had put on the evillest expression that High Jinx’s face could muster. She being an eleven year old, it was downright diabolical. A face like that could have matched up to the Queen for sheer evil. She knew he was going to have to make a decision. A simple glance would tell the waiter that none of the food had been eaten. He couldn’t bluff his way out of this one. “Oh? Sorry, I’ve had things on my mind.” Inwardly sighing, Incelidus tried not to make his manipulation of the fork look hesitant. Any hiccup in his actions could end in discovery. With the eyes of the waiter and his fellow captain on him, he put one of the tomatoes in his mouth, making sure to swallow it before he spoke again. “My niece’s assessment of my sister’s cooking aside, I concur.” Already he could feel his gut churning in protest. “I’ll be sure to recommend it.” “Oh, wonderful!” exclaimed the waiter, clapping his front hooves together. “Zhe chef will be most delighted to hear zhat. Is zhere anyzhing I can get for zhe two of you?” “Sure!” Mimix seemed determined to play the cheeky niece card for all it was worth, and glugged down her remaining half-glass of water. “More water!” Incelidus sighed. “Jinx, you promised your mother and I that you were going to be using your best manners.” “Oh yeah.” There was an extended pause. Now she was just milking it. “More water, please?” If that stallion bowed any lower he would fall over. “Certainly, madame. Anyzhing else?” The pegasus’s eyes turned back towards Incelidus, who was resigned to eating some of the lettuce. “Hmmm… nah. You’ve done enough already,” Mimix said, giggling. And there it was. She knew exactly what she was doing, the little… rrgh. Strike one. “Sir?” “No, thank you.” As the waiter flounced away, Incelidus lowered his voice. “You did that on purpose.” “Duh. I don’t have a problem with it.” To prove her point, Mimix bent down over her plate and came back up with a mouth stuffed with greens. “I can do this all day,” was what she probably meant to say, but all that came out was a rather muffled “mmmfl”. And the sad thing was this was all completely in-character for High Jinx. No matter who Mimix was tasked with disguising as, she always managed to behave as she always did without breaking character. Her annoying giggle seemed to fit every pony she ever impersonated. Her disguises were always flawless. And what could Incelidus do? Zip. It’d taken him three attempts just to get the color of the eyes right. So, what next? At this rate, they had about thirty minutes before his stomach started rejecting the pony food which he was still reluctantly eating. That left twenty minutes to find out whatever guard movements that they were supposed to be gathering the intelligence of, and ten minutes to reach a safe distance and secure hiding place so he could throw up. Who in the restaurant at that moment would even know anything about the guard movements, anyway? There were certainly no on-duty guards anywhere, nobody within earshot was even tangentially mentioning the military… Incelidus was beginning to suspect that his Lead Captain had fabricated the situation just to punish him further for the conga line of failure during and after the Invasion. He was also regretting not making his intentions clearer when he’d unsuccessfully signaled Mimix to swipe the guest list. He could not fail this mission. He’d already made too many mistakes. Making another one… he shuddered at the thought. It was only by some miracle that he hadn’t received a more serious punishment already. “Fillies and gentlecolts!” Oh, hello. There was the ringing of a spoon on a glass, and Incelidus followed the silence and the sudden glare of the waiter to the speaker, another unicorn, who— Incelidus blinked, and suddenly regretted everything. His companion, too, gave a flare of panic over the hive-mind. They both knew who he was, and his presence meant that if they put even one step off-track things were going to go horrifically wrong. But hey, at least they found their guy. “Thank you for all taking the time to attend this little soiree of mine,” announced His Majesty Prince Blueblood. This should have come up in the intelligence. Had it come up in the intelligence? Incelidus didn’t recall anything mentioning Prince Jerk of the Universe. Either way, a member of the royal family was hosting the party, and that meant a) undercover guards, and b) any threat - or any perceived threat - would bring down the wrath of the alicorn of the sun, which they certainly weren’t prepared for. Two Changelings weren’t enough. They needed at least a dozen for something like this. They needed to have replaced the wait staff, a couple more guests, and have a distraction waiting outside in case things went south. They were totally unprepared for a royal encounter. Strike two. The Prince was making a long-winded speech, as he tended to do. Incelidus did his best to try and imprint the key parts of it on his memory, without all the vanity comments and self-promotion. Very important things were in motion, the Prince said. A new era in Vanhoover’s history. A key moment that would be remembered for generations to come. Nothing that the guy hadn’t said before and failed to deliver on. Across the table, Mimix was fidgeting. Would she blow their cover? No. High Jinx was eleven. She wouldn’t be able to sit through a school lesson without getting bored, let alone an extended prattle from the biggest head in Canterlot. Even undisguised she had the attention span of an ice cube on a hot summer’s day. Maybe… they locked glances. In the absence of an external distraction, an internal one would have to do. It would be perfectly in-character of her to interrupt something so droll. Okay, so they had an escape plan. The Prince’s speech was heading somewhere in the direction of the royal guard, so they were going to get their information. The only question was whether they’d be able to get it and get out before Incelidus’s stomach exploded. This was taking forever. And then came the magic words. “…cold weather training ground…” Finally, that was all they needed to know. Couldn’t have timed it better. Ignore the rest of the speech. They needed out of there. Mimix opened her mouth— “…I’d like to thank my good friend Mr. Green Belt for providing the land.” —and closed it again as all eyes fell upon Incelidus, who put on his best smile. Internally, he was screaming. It kept happening. “Care to say a few words, Mr. Belt?” Everything was ruined. There was no escape now. Green Belt never turned down any chance for public speaking. Despite the fact that Incelidus knew nothing about the deal, or the reasons behind it… gulp… Three strikes, you’re out. He had no time to stop and think about it. It was time to wing it. “Certainly,” he said, standing up, trying not to glance down at Mimix facehooving, and walking over to the Prince’s table. “Thank you, your highness.” It took him only a moment to review everything he did know about Green Belt. Wealthy, through capitalistic business ventures and sensible spending. Didn’t turn down public opportunities. Careful, didn’t rush into deals that had the chance to backfire. Above all, a family stallion. Yeah, okay. He’d run with that. Play to the crowd. “Fillies and gentlecolts, I can’t begin to describe how delighted I was when my friend, Prince Blueblood here, came to me with this proposal…” Twenty minutes later, to a rousing round of applause, Incelidus gingerly ushered Mimix out of the room under the guise of getting home for High Jinx’s bedtime. He hasn’t meant it to last that long. But once his mouth was started, it just didn’t stop, and it was going down so well, what was stopping him from saying a little more… and now he hated himself. He hated himself almost as much as he hated his gut, which by this point was heading into tropical storm territory. By this point, finding a hiding place was no longer enough. Now all he could do was wait until they reached their carriage, which was crewed by a couple of his drones, and then wait as they had to head off in the direction of Green Belt’s mansion first to keep up the illusion… Oh no… “A cold weather training ground?” The Queen rubbed her chin. “No doubt bolstering the support of the Crystal Empire. Acceptable work, Captain Mimix.” Mimix giggled. “Thank you, my Queen!” Now the Queen’s attention turned to Incelidus, who would have complained if he could get a word in between heaving. “Prince Blueblood’s involvement is troubling. He certainly kept that under wraps well. Sounds like it was quite a speech.” She smirked. Incelidus held up a hoof to start an explanation but abandoned the idea in favour of making a disgusting gargling noise. “The lengths you’ll go to amuse me. Not the brighest idea you’ve ever come up with, Incelidus. Ah well, it can’t be helped. Consider yourself out of the fire, but don’t for a second think that this gives you license to screw up again. Understand?” In lieu of being able to voice his assent, Incelidus managed a nod. He may have dodged that arrow but he knew what was coming next. Out of the fire, into the inferno. “Good. Now, as funny as it may be to leave you squirming, I need you functional. Dethyn!” From the entryway, Dethyn snapped to attention. “My Queen?” The Queen waved a hoof towards Incelidus. “Take Captain Incelidus down to Captain Zhoele so he can have his stomach pumped, and tell her no maiming this time. I want him back intact for a change.”