Dear [insert respective species leader] here,
I apologize on behalf of all of ponykind that a certain prick EEA Chancellor made some highly charged remarks against you and your kin... swarm? Hive, maybe? And how the heck do you refer to a group of dragons? Horde? Cluster? I’ll come back to this later.
It’s not exactly going to be easy to pave a path over a superiority complex as large as Neighsay’s, but after today, I’m taking measures to ensure he gets a peer review—no no, they’re not going to accept that. They probably don’t even want to see his face again, and I can’t blame them!
Different angle, Tia. Let’s try…
Listen, we all make boneheaded mistakes from time to time, and mine was letting the EEA be run by a cartoonishly speciesist bigot. I’d initially let this persist considering he and the council had served as a perfect example of how not to run a school, but it’s become clear to me the guy can’t make a public appearance without pissing off every non-pony in a mile radius.
I’ll be taking steps to correct this problem internally, for a start. As for improving relations with you and your [insert species here] after this travesty, I have a few ideas worth trying.
The first is booze.
Yes. Lots and lots of booze until we all black out and forget today happened. Not sure if you’re into the idea, but a reset button under these circumstances I feel can go a long way in repairing the damage.
I mean diplomatic relationship damage. Odds are high things will be broken in my castle by all patrons, and I have a feeling at least a few representatives will put new holes in my walls or set my carpets on fire. That’s a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things, however.
Note: revise above so Rutherford gets special notice to not smash castle into rubble.
Second is an apology banquet. Look, I know we eat many of the same foods, with some foods having unique flavors and textures that are palatable edible exquisite and worth enjoying with good company that isn’t a hindrance to diplomatic progress, a threat to society, or just plain spite-worthy. What better way is there to make amends than a good showing of faith and food by bringing something from your culture’s cuisine to share among the other representatives?
Wait, that sounds more like a potluck instead of a banquet. And dragons eat a lot of gems and crystals... That’s not quite edible by any other creature’s standards.
Note: check to see if Dragons can provide food that won’t break any jaws when chewing.
The third option is me fashioning a Neighsay pinata, and everyone gets turns to beat the stuffing out of it with a very big stick. Or your weapon of choice.
I imagine you are more than willing to vent some physical frustration on the real deal. However, in the interest of not paying for a hospital stay or funeral costs, I’ve prepared a substitute dummy in place of the real one.
Note: make at least thirty pinatas for this one.
Double note: entertain the thought of one pinata actually being Neighsay in a pinata suit for later.
It is my hope that these attempts to ease the tensions formed between us are not only acknowledged, but acceptable in some way toward a better future for everyone. Please respond at your earliest convenience, preferably today. The sooner I get feedback on this, the better.
Respectfully Prostrating,
Princess Celestia
Okay… this needs work, but not a bad start. I just need five significantly cleaner copies of this, and it’ll be fine. What are the odds they’ll recognize all of them got the same basic apology and how impersonal that is?
Eh, even if they do notice, I doubt it’ll make any difference now. What matters is getting their response first and foremost to see how they’ll react.
It will still be bad, but it could be worse!
Aaand there’s Sunny. What is it now?
A teaching position?! Oh no, not at my school after your impromptu “teacher for a day” stunt!
Wait, it’s not at my school? Then what school are you trying… to… oooooh.
~~~
Dear Twilight,
I have a prospective new teacher willing to handle overly excitable students with enthusiasm like hers.
Should your school reopen, would you have any openings?
Making the Worst Decision Ever
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia