Re: Itemized Damage Report
Okay Luna, I agree with most of this report you’ve compiled. However, I have some questions, concerns and tasteful remarks about some of the items on this list.
Item 4: Thirty Seven (and counting) Damaged School Lockers, Including Contents
Do add a note that for “Contents,” we’ll only cover damaged property deemed of high personal worth and/or explicit value such as cell phones, laptops or jewelry, as determined on a case-by-case basis.
Items that have no business being on school grounds (illegal contraband, unlicensed magical artifacts, and pictured body pillows) will not be covered by this arrangement.
Item 5: Personal Request for Damaged Body Pillow, submitted by Rainbow Dash
No.
Items 6-11: Personal Request for Damaged Body Pillow, submitted by Sunset, Applejack, Twilight, etc. on Behalf of Rainbow Dash
No times six is still a no.
Item 12: Personal Request for Damaged Body Pillow, submitted by Wallflower Blush
Tell Rainbow that we do not take requests from fictional students either.
Item 13: One Whodini Magic Kit for Beginners, valued at one billion gagillion fafillion dollars, submitted by The Greatest and Powerfulest Trixie
“Sorry, but it looks like your request has magically disappeared!”
Seriously though, this kit’s available on eBuy for $30 or so. I think we’ll just go for replacement.
Also, see if they have a sale on dictionaries. Effort like this request made to annoy me with words that don’t exist truly deserves a bonus of the most appropriateliest worth.
Item 15: Six Motorcycles
I was barely able to get those by convincing Discord to pull some strings on approving our budget proposal for that year.
Once he learns they’re junk, he’s going to light my ass on fire. I get the feeling he’s not being figurative either.
Are you sure we need these replaced?
Item 16: One 2016 Crystaller Pacific, submitted by Vice Principal Luna
I have no objections to getting this repaired or replaced after the outright ridiculous car chase when Princess Luna stole your “chariot” and somehow succeeded in driving it in circles for ten whole minutes before crashing it into a tree.
I do object to your obstinance in rejecting the idea of putting seat warmers in the car. How can you even tolerate the winter months driving in that thing? For Gods’ sake, you get out of your car and walk into school with all the grace and layered bulbous girth of an onion!
Embrace something new, sister. I implore you to get some heat in your seat.
Item 17: Air Conditioning Unit for Celestia’s Office, submitted by Luna
That being said, thanks, but no thanks. I like my office toasty, and this incident is not how you’re going to change that.
I can just open a window, thank you very much. Or buy a desk fan.
Item 20: One Motorized Scooter, submitted by Scootaloo
Why you stole this to try and chase your car as opposed to calling the service that can shut down your car engine remotely escapes me. There had to be a better idea out there for you to try.
Item 21: Giant Slingshot, submitted by Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom
No, really, you HAD to have a better option than “launch yourself into your car to stop your other self”. Frankly, I think you’re lucky you broke this on the first try, or else we’d be dealing with the horrors of extended-stay hospital bills.
Item 22: Party Cannon, submitted by Pinkie Pie, valued at $10000000000000000000
Who would have thought your car would survive a broadside of confetti?
Me. I would.
Also, did you fall asleep on the keyboard or something? That number’s about sixteen more zeros than I expected for a cannon that size.
Item 26: Chunk of Stolen Asphalt from Faculty Lot
I don’t think we really need this back. No, not even as a statement toward the other Luna that this is your lot.
I’m fairly certain Princess Celestia’s willing to pay for the pothole repair—she’s offered that as an alternative given her sister’s adamant attachment to her “otherworldly trophies”. If she does, please let this go before this settlement escalates over some chunks of rock.
Item 27: Two Missing Parking Blocks
Refer to reasoning for Item 26. Again, Princess Celestia’s willing to pay on behalf of her sister’s damages. Besides, we already have lines painted for the spaces. Who among our staff (besides you, obviously) is going to miss a few blocks?
And finally, Item 30: Complete Restoration and Repositioning of Statue of Starswirl
Do you remember that part at the start where this is supposed to cover items of personal worth or explicit value?
This is neither.
That about covers my notes. Let me know if there’s any final changes to be made as a result of my input before I send the list over to our equine others.
~~~
Re: Re: Itemized Damage Report
Well, this is a bit more commentary than I expected. Some of it a bit too colorful concerning the carjacking, but I’ll let that slide. For now.
However, I can certainly respond to some of your queries.
Regarding the body pillows, it’s clear you’re taking a hard stance on denial of compensation there, but I have to ask…
What about yours?
Next, for the magic kit can you show me where exactly on the website where you’re seeing those prices? I seem to be pulling up values at least $5-10 more than what you found.
I also suggest we remove the contents of the box and put the dictionary inside. Perhaps a bookmark on the page for “powerful” as well, or is that too on the nose?
The motorcycles definitely don’t need a replacement, but the track designed for the Friendship Games certainly demands something with a bit more horsepower. OH, I know! What about karts?
Now we move on to some of the very interesting remarks. To put it simply, dearest sister, if you’re going to complain that much about my car not having seat warmers, you can choose not to gripe and instead dress up like a “bulbous onion” yourself. Meanwhile, I can choose to complain about your insistence on turning your office into a convection oven warm enough to melt a box of valentine chocolates in five minutes and effectively ruin one of my secret admirer’s presents!
I digress. The real travesty in this incident was not you or me, but the car, the lot, and all of my creatively inspired attempts to catch the one majorly responsible for most of the damage today. I at least want my other self to respect some of my wishes in regards to the domain I consider to be my responsibility for managing and safekeeping; namely, I won’t have her making off with parts of it like they’re trophies!
In other words, I don’t mind fixing the pothole, but I will have my parking blocks back or I will personally go over to her world and demand my dues!
And our student parking ticket machine, which we don’t even have, but I want one anyway!
By the way, can we still get one of those if my demands fail? Daily parking revenue would easily boost our budget for next year.
Oh, and one more thing. That long number for the cannon you thought I slept on? I forgot to put in commas.
~~~
New Development
First, my pillow’s status is not your business!
Second, as much as I’m interested in karts, budgeting, and educating a special student, we’ll have to save that talk for later.
Princess Luna has just sent you something through the portal. It’s a note wrapped around a lump of gray stone shaped like a human figure. I think. The head’s a bit bigger than I expected.
The note itself is messily written, but at least it’s easy to read. You’re welcome to read it once you’re home, but I’ll go ahead and transcribe it for you.
“Dear Other Luna,
I hope this letter finds you well during your time of strife and hardship, which was undoubtedly caused by me. It is also my hope that upon reading this you do not immediately crumple it up and toss it in a waste bin, but if you do, I will not blame you in the slightest.
If you’re reading this, you are at least willing to hear me out. Thank you. First and foremost, I wish to extend a heartfelt apology for my actions this afternoon. The sheer amount of new stimuli of your world overwhelmed me, and as a result I caused mayhem and wanton destruction. As some of your students put it, I was some kind of wrecking ball?
In any case, my sister and I are most certainly going to handle the monetary compensation, but I personally owe you an apology on the part of my taking your carriage for a joyride and tearing apart your sacred lot.
As such, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide you something that I too hold near and dear. With this note is a chunk of rock from my moon, carefully hoof-ground and horn-chiseled into one of the bipedal-shaped creatures of your world. It is but one of many I plan to send to you shortly, with some chunks much, much larger. In fact, I’m in the middle of carving one out to match the chunk I took from your lot along with those mystical ‘parking blocks’, and by the time you finish this letter, I should be sending them on their way—“
I just heard a loud ‘thud’ coming from my bathroom. Aaaand there’s two more... Oh no, I hear porcelain breaking—Change of plans, I’m going to need you to get home ASAP.
This better be the last of her apology gifts. Also, I sincerely hope you are thrilled to get some space rock parking blocks, because you’re going to help me fix my bathroom after we remove them!