//------------------------------// // My Little Pony: The Movie // Story: Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student // by milesprower06 //------------------------------// Additional contributions by MixMassBasher. Dear Moviegoers, In the magical land of Equestria, there are four powerful princesses. One for day. One for night. One for family. And then there's me... Twilight Sparkle; Princess of Friendship or whatever. It is my royal duty to make sure everypony feels like they belong. It's a lot to live up to. I mean princess? I deserve so much better. Unfortunately, I also have these nuisances I call friends who are stuck with me despite how much I avoid them. Who cares about friendship, and the flowers and the ponies and bleh. The only thing I could look forward to was this Friendship Festival made in my honor. Finally the princesses had listened to at least one of my list of demands since being crowned! The Mane Event would have obviously been the spectacular firework show I had planned instead of that Songbird Serenade afterwards. I even failed to mention the part where at the end of the display the princesses would have been sent to the moon afterwards for a thousand years using the right frequency, angle and algebra. Well, it would have worked if they hadn't read my annotation of the plan written at the end of the whiteboard. Dammit, Fax Machine! Thus, I am now stuck with setting up the decorations with my so-called friends. They probably need my help since they can’t seem to get anything done without me. Amateurs. I guess that means it  is time for another dumb song montage about how we got the beat or how we got this together. Pfft… who cares. I got caked by a druggie, that’s more important. I need to look my best when ponies celebrate my friendship festival. Of course this, was all ruined when Commander Neighsayer pops up with her broken horn proclaiming the fall of Equestria and all the usual evil villain shit. Soon after she stoned the other princess, and one retard, I barely escape by the skin of my teeth. Oh, and my useless friends somehow survived too. Well this day blows. That bitch is gonna pay for ruining the celebration meant for me! Perhaps we could get the Queen of the Hippos...was it?... to storm back into Canterlot and save the day the with magic of friendship. Easy peasy. There is no better feeling than seeing these pieces of villain filth get their asses hoofed back to them. Hence, my worthless friends and I are off to see the world, searching for these Hippopeople, our first destination; Slavetown. No seriously that wasn’t a joke. If this is what occurs outside of Equestria, by Celestia, give me any crazy hairbrain thing happening in Ponyville anyday. However, we had no choice but to go there, the desert heat was making all of us go crazy. Just look at Rarity, she thought there would be a spa in Slavetown. I repeat. A SPA! Entering this decrepit place, we were surrounded by weirdos. Being cautious, I tell the gang not to split up or to talk to strangers. Guess what the druggie did then? Unfortunately, thanks to that pink abomination, we were surrounded by these crazy loons. Then Top Cat pops out of nowhere, scaring off the competition and charming us of how he is the friend we need not what we deserve. Sadly, I was the only one not to fall for his act. Even that dirty farmpony fell for his lies. You know. The so-called Element of Honesty.  AJ, just stay in the background for the rest of this journey. Right where you belong! In the end, we were stuck waiting around in his shack while Rarity was falling in love with a cat. Yuck! Stick to your own species, Rarity. At this rate, she’ll become a crazy old lonely cat-obsessed pony in no time flat. Thankfully, I was being productive, finding out that I should have been looking for the Queen of the Hippogriffs. Dammit, Princess Celestia! You are a troll even to your stoney demise. Regrettably, I did not have time to sulk any longer as we had to escape from Commander Broken Horn and her vertically challenged sidekick. Again, we managed to escape onto a flying ship. Unfortunately, it belong to the Storm King, what with all the obvious branding scattered about, and a birdbrain crew captured us. Of course I’m on an enemy ship. Fuck my luck! Strangely enough, we were saved by the bell and were stuck eating their shitty food. Planning a means of escape, my thoughts were interrupted by Rainbow who started complaining about how these ex-pirates were lamer than Captain Sparrow. Then she starts singing something about it being time to be awesome again. Screw this singing, I’m getting out of here. Getting some air outside, I had thought up the perfect plan. I could ignite any possible explosive laying around here while I escape on a hoofmade hot air balloon using Fax Machine’s flames as fuel. Perfect. Wait a minute… Is that Rainbow? Oh no no no no! What is she doing! She’ll ruin everything! And so, once more, a sonic rainboom screw up my entire life. Thanks a lot to Rainbow Bitch. I want to get my damn hooves around her stupid neck. I’ll chase the sky and back if that what it takes! Once more, we had to run away from the enemy by falling to our deaths. Very smart, Captain Celaeno. No wonder your crew fell under the storm. Luckily, in a quick haste, I hatched my plan to save myself but of course I save my worthless companions. Who else would I have to complain at then? Not wasting any time, we headed for the Hippogriff Kingdom. But it turns out the city was an even bigger wreckage than Griffonstone. The only consolation was that I nearly saw somepony bathing, if somepony didn’t ruin it and nearly cause all of us to drown! Thankfully, we were saved by a seapony I dare say seemed to be on more drugs than Pinkie Pie. She started babbling about how it is better under the sea. We met her more laid back mother, who I swear must be on cocaine with how little she cared. She even had the balls to not help her pony allies to defeat the Storm King. So, I came all this way for this moronic queen to say no. Really?!?! This is the most pointless journey that I have ever been on. Could she imagine what I had to put with? So what, her kingdom was destroyed, this is the time for payback. But nooo. She’s more concerned about her seaweed wrap. They couldn’t do one small thing and help their allies. Well, drastic times call for drastic measures. Thus, I had Pinkie drugging up the seaponies. I nearly managed to steal the pearl needed to save Equestria, but apparently Pinkie forgot to feed Queen Novo some of her seaweed and I was caught redhoofed and they shoo be doo’d us out of there. The worst part. My friends start to shouting at me for being such a bitch! At least I was trying to be useful! What have they done? Pinkie nearly made us slaves, Rarity was seducing a con artist, Rainbow’s ego almost got us captured and Fluttershy and Applejack barely did anything!! I, therefore, left them to save the day myself… only to get captured straight afterwards. Can’t I ever catch a break? While I was captured, Captain No Horn started lecturing me that I need to open up my eyes to the true horrors of Equestria. Urm… Have you met me? I already knew that. Furthermore, that’s your backstory? Oh boo-hoo you lost your horn and friends. Big deal. You lose some friends, so you enslave Equestria? Why should I pity you? Who in their right mind would make you their waifu? But that was the least of my worries as I was soon drained of my magic and that foal-brained Yeti was playing around with my magic like it was a foal’s’ toy. Whelp, Equestria is doomed. Welcome our new evil overlord! I’ll be around, hopefully. With how that maniac is using that scepter, our weather will surely become more chaotic. Yet somehow my friends finally grew some brain cells and saved my tail. Thank you for being my friends, I guess? However, the Storm King had better ideas conjuring up a storm, though I doubt he could control it with that peabrain of his. As a matter of fact, he was dumb enough to betray his number one lieutenant. Through I can’t say that she didn’t deserve that. I even saved her life just so she could let it sink in how much wrong she had done as her world crumbles around her. To my dismay, I could not lavish in her misery with the Storm King trying to kill me. It was then that my friends decided to pop in out of nowhere. Seriously. Is there anyway I could ever be rid of them? However, since my friends are here. Hey meatshields! Protect your princess! In addition to this, the storm got out of control and now we had to get the staff before the Storm King did. But, for the record… Hey, Storm King, guess who was right about the chaotic weather causing trouble? This purple pony right here. And so, we stacked up together as a pony pillar, which I definitely would want to try again later, and grabbed the scepter and saved the day once more. This battle wasn’t without casualties, however. A very brave pony made a very bold sacrifice that allowed me this victory. I could feel it. The sense of thankfulness for somepony else’s kindness. Such a sweet sweet mare who deserved all the praise I should have given. I will be eternally grateful for what she had done for me and Equestria. I was of course talking about Ponyville’s local resident mailmare who was the sole reason I was not stoned. Oh, and Tempest helped, too. She got stoned. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? I figured we could leave her petrified form where Discord used to be. I’m certain the pigeons would appreciate that. But naturally, I had to make the right decision because I’m the Princess of Friendship and freed her from her stone imprisonment. Frankly, I thought she’d be useful as a housemaid or one of those useless royal guards. Fax Machine could use the company. But alas, restoring her led to the useless princesses to return from their rocky prison. I was so hoping that I could become sole ruler, but oh well. In the end, we had the Friendship Festival I wanted with that Songbird Serenade singing about how she can see rainbows. Pinkie fed her drugs, didn’t she? Nonetheless, harmony was restored. Everypony was happy.  Except me. Just another agonising day for me has ended with another awaiting in the horizon. Fuck this, I’m going to bed. Your pissed writer, Twilight Sparkle Dear Queen Novo, Since I’m now reformed and all, could you use that pearl to fix my horn? Signed, Commander Tempest Shadow Fizzlepop Berrytwist Dear Fizzlepop Berrytwist, You kiddin' right? You attacked my kingdom! Signed, Queen Novo Rest In Peace Brian The Balloon 6th October, 2017 Dear Derpy, Congratulations on receiving a medal of bravery for saving Princess Twilight Sparkle from the petrification spell. Sincerely, Princess Celestia Dear Princess Celestia, Thanks! Maybe all this new recognition may be good enough to tune out all the hate on my colt…Urm I mean marefriend Time Turner for his her recent sex change. Your Ponyville Mailmare, Derpy Dear Storm King, Let me guess. You tried to gain the power of all the pony princesses to rule all of Equestria. Betrayed your most trusted advisor only to be defeated your ex-comrade and the magic of friendship? In what way did you think repeating what I did would have yielded a different result? -Tirek P.S. Welcome to Tartarus, my fellow inmate. Dear Trek, I didn't EXACTLY repeat what you did. I had a little help from a laughably bad plot device. See this staff? It is the completely unexplained cause of, and solution to, everyone's problems. Need a reason to invade Canterlot? Staff. Need to entice your lieutenant with magical healing? Staff. Need to play with celestial bodies? Staff. Need to magically repair the battle torn capitol of Equestria instead of having a heartfelt rebuilding scene? Staff. Don't you see, Tirek? We're bad guys. We have to be bad. You gave one of the greatest finale fights this show has ever seen, which is all well and good. Meanwhile, with this convenient plot devic- err, staff, I'll go down as one of the worst villains ever, and that my friend, takes commitment. Sincerely, The Storm King Dear Princess Twilight, So, um, listen. We just have to ask... Are you okay? You held the power of all four princesses in your hooves, without your friends being prisoner or anything, and... You just gave it back. It wouldn't have taken forever to rebuild Canterlot, so what gives? Sincerely, Your Friends Hello moviegoers! Did I miss anything? -Discord