Feathers of Fate
Chapter 8
We All Fly Away
{pre edit 2-28-18}
I awoke in a fevered sweat, my heart racing to the all-to-real dream that had shook my mind to consciousness. Even though the vivid hallucinations and images had had the effect of breaking though my usual deep sleep, they had slipped away from memory, leaving behind only my pounding heart and heaving chest. That is, all apart from a huge set of glowing eyes. What had happened to make me feel like this!? I remember... something about Whistles and her father... Come on! What happened. I had woke up though dreams in the past, but usually I could at least remember what had happened. Was it so bad that my brain refused to recall it? Was it important? Damn it...
I rolled off the couch and trotted to the kitchen, all the while my brain searching for the faintest of clues as to what had spured the nightmare. Sure a lot had happened in the last week since Whistles for the most part moved in... hell, even in the last 3 weeks for that matter! School was slowly becoming something of a near impossibility now that most of my days were spent with my marefriend. Every class was a struggle to even get through, let alone make a passing grade in. All I wanted to do was spend time with Whistles and not be where I was at that very moment.
Then there was her parents. Sure her dad had backed off after the indecent at the mall, more likely due to a stern warning from the guards, but a welcomed absence nonetheless. However neither of us had counted on her mother being so... clingy! It seemed like everyday she wanted us both to fly to Cloudsdale to meet up for yet another random reason. Last week she wanted us there for coffee... COFFEE! I hate coffee and I'm getting tired of flying everyday after school! But despite all of the simple issues that felt like monumental conundrums, the real stress in my life started not long after the mall indecent.
My father had always been a very enthusiastic pony about things. He would usually over react over the smallest thing whether it be good or bad and blow it completely out of proportion. Largely this had lessened after my mom passed, but would come back infrequently anytime he wanted to go back to work. I had always just chalked it up to him having ADD or something, but I never could have imagined that he would be doing drugs. Of all the things that is in this world, of all the possibilities, I never in a millions years would have labeled him an addict.
I found out when I got the call from his shop by one of the cashiers. He had gone nearly 72 hours straight without sleep, something I had come to see as a weekly occurrence, and passed out on the sawmill. Had it not been for his forebuck seeing his body between the two logs, I would have been an orphan. He had hidden his addiction well, so much so that by the time I got to the hospital, he was awake and wanting to head back to work. It wasn't until the blood work came back and showed an absurd amount of a new drug named 'Dash' in his system that we found the full extent of the damage.
He had been using for as long as mom had been gone, hiding behind a curtain of medicated energy to cover up the same pain that he and I were sharing. It's started with something called 'Mint-als' not long after use loosing mom. Before long it had became not enough to burn off the depression and my father had turned to stronger and stronger narcotics. Mint-als became Buck and that had turned into Dash. The doctor told me that kind of progression was typical with long term addicts, but I still can't accept that. This is my dad. MY DAD! Not some strung out junkie! He was just trying to cope! I know it seemed bad but... That's my dad.
The fast pace of chemicals had taken a heavy toll on not only his mind, but his body as well. His heart showed sever signs of enlargement, his brain had formed lesions and it seemed like his entire body had been wracked by the damage for near constant chemical induced energy. He had gone from a relatively young father, to a husk of buck, nothing more than a shadow of what he once was. I couldn't believe I had not seen it sooner. I guess when you never see somepony, you can't see how bad they are hurting, or in this case, hurting themselves.
I stood at the sink as I filled my glass with water, only now noticing that it had been over flowing this whole time. It was nearly four in the morning, it wouldn't be long before I would have to start getting ready for school. I would have to wake up Whistle, make breakfast and somehow figure out how to get through another day in one piece. If It had not been for her, I would have fallen apart through all of this, yet somehow, I still felt as though she was the one that needed me more. I had to keep it together, through my dad lying in his hospital bed detoxing, though her father's ever watchful eye and through... just, life.
I felt like I was being torn at the seams, ripped between wanting to run away and trying to hold everypony together while not falling apart myself. I had to stay strong, I had to keep moving. I know that one day everything will be alright... but, WHEN!? Why can't it be now? Why can't it be right now that everything comes together and I get to be happy?
I watched the water trickle over my hoof and down the drain as I shut off the tap and dropped the glass. I braced my hooves on the sink's steel rim and began gritting my teeth to the point where I thought they might snap. Whistle... Rain... My dad... I began pounding my hoof into the metal beneath it. "Com'on! Pull it together Cask..." I said through my clinched jaw. Whisp... School... Clouds... The names and places seemed to flood my mind the more I tried to hold them back until finally...
"Mom..." I mumbled to my self. My broken words only deafened by my rhythmic pounding hoof. I drooped my head into the sink and pressed my eyes shut and just... waited. I waited for the pain to pass, for the hurting to stop and for my tears to dry, but it didn't. Not this time. I had always been about to push the bad thoughts away, I had always been able to run away. But now, now I was trapped. My heart pulled for me to run as far from everything as I could, but doing that would mean being alone and leaving Whistles behind. I was being ripped apart and nopony was to blame.
"Be calm now, little one." A voice rang out through the stillness that had surrounded me. "Please, wont you turn to me?"
I looked up, my ears perked to a sound so sweet that I could only equate it to the sound a feathers rustling. There, in the window's reflection stood behind me a figure of dark blue and sapphire. My kitchen was gone and I stood alone at a sink that was evaporating under my hooves. Everything around me seemed to fall away, the walls, the appliances and the floor beneath me, all gone and leaving behind what I could only describe as a dim white world over cast by stars... and no moon.
"Don't you think it is time to stop crying over what is lost?" She said sweetly. I turned to face a mare I never thought that I would get to meet face to face, but was now sharing a dream with.
"P-princess..." I started, trying to compose myself as best I could.
"Shhh... there is no need." She said as she placed a hoof under my tear soaked chin. "Caskade, you need not worry about formalities." Her touch was like no other, it was like pure either yet at the same time the same as the softest pillow I had ever felt. I relaxed myself into her touch, taking in every moment of comfort she was giving me.
"What, what is all of this?" I asked as I looked up to her light emerald eyes.
"This is your dream. Rather, was."
"I-I don't understand..." I started. Princess Luna was here, right in front of me and this was all my dream? I had heard that she always had visited ponies dreams when they needed them... "I was having a nightmare..."
"Yes, you were." She said softly as she stroked my mane.
"B-but I never have those, I rarely even dream." I stammered.
"You rarely ever sleep soundly enough to." He tone was sweet but I still felt guilty that I was was not sleeping properly and now being visited by the literal princess of dreaming. Forget the principal's office... this was on a whole new level of scary.
"I'm sorry..."
"Do not worry, I would suspect a pony as young as you who has been through as much as you have would have plenty to loose sleep over."
"You... know?"
"About your father and Whistle? Your mother? Yes. But only from what I could see in your dream." She said all the while manifesting hazy windows around her, each one showing a different pony who seemed to be sleeping in a bed... all except one. It was gray and nearly indescribable, but I knew the mare in the image.
"Mom? Is that... My mom?" I asked, shifting my eyes back forth from her and the floating window. It was like a highlight real of everything I remembered from her, all the best times in our lives.
"Yes. Your memory of her is faded, but I can see that it is very dear to you."
"I... I miss..." I started but was cut off by a wave of her hoof.
"Caskade... Just because she is no longer here, does not mean that she is no longer with you. She lives in your heart."
"I don't understand..."
"With everything you do, you put the ponies around you first. You always strive for them to have a better life than your own, just as she would have done, do you not?" I said nothing, but looked on in aw to the words she was saying to me. "Letting go of the hurt is not letting go of the ones we love. It is letting them take control of our happiness and using what they have taught us to do well by others."
"But I..." I started but I was cut off once more.
"Your mother will always be with you, with everything you do. She gave your her love to pass on and I have seen that you have done just that to another." She said as the windows around her coalesced into one large floating orb. Inside of it lay a tossing and turning Whistles, the sheets of my bed were wadding into knots and sweat drenched her body. "But even still, the love your mother gave to you is not going to be enough."
"What!? I love her! I know I do!"
"Yes, you do. But you do not show it the way that she needs you to. You protect her, but you do not show her the love that she needs. Even now she is dreaming about loosing you. She fears that you may one day leave her because of her timidness."
"I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" I shouted. How could a all knowing being that can visit your dreams not see how much I cared for her!? I was always there, right by her side, never once troubling her with my problems and always ready to catch her when she fell.
"You know that. But does she? There is more to love than just being with the one we love and helping them through their hard times. Sometimes, to show them that you love them too, you have to let them help you."
"What are you saying?"
"You would not want the same fate that has befallen others around you to become your own, would you?" I stood shocked. My dad had put on a brave face to protect me from his falling apart. Rain was afraid of how other would see him and acted out in violence. Whisp stood silent as Rain screamed and shouted at their daughter. Whistles hid from her pain, not talking to anypony from fear of rejection. And here I was, fighting back the tears from all of it to try and hold her and I together long enough to save us both from it all.
"It's me, isn't it?" I asked.
"Yes."
"But... what do I do? I can't just... let them all go? There has to be a way to fix all of this!"
"Sometimes... it is best to let go of those that hurt you, stand beside the ones that need you there and hold the ones you love close so they can help shoulder the burden. After all, pain shared is pain divided."
"I have to choose... don't I?"
"That is for you and you alone to decide. But I will say this..." She said as she gave my mane another stroke. "If it were me, I would follow my heart. Denying it can have grave consequences." She said into my ear as though it were a secret before pulling away from me. The world around us began to swirl and toss as everything melted away.
"Princess Luna!?" I shouted through the mist that was quickly consuming the two of us.
"Yes, my child."
"How do you know all of... this?" I asked as I fought from closing my eyes. She turned to me and smiled.
"I have had plenty of time to think, just as you have." And with that, my eyes opened.
The living room was dark apart from the moonlight shining down on me. I looked up to the glowing ball of white and blue placed perfectly in my window frame and blinked. What just happened? That's not like any dream I have ever had before! I could actually remember everything that happened, it was... REAL! Like, really real!
My my body struggled to wake up in a desperate attempt to mach my racing mind and heart. It was like a veil had been lifted from my thoughts. Everypony that had caused me to have a near nervous break down seemed to wash away, leaving behind clear answers as to what I needed to do. It was like I passed out sick and woke up healthy. I couldn't explain it, but something in me felt... changed.
I looked to the clock on the on the wall, four thirty in the morning. Whether or not everything that had just happened had ACTUALLY happened, I was feeling... better? More confident? No, sure. I felt, sure. I sat thinking about everything that had gone on over the last few weeks... months... whatever. I remember the words 'Sometimes... it is best to let go of those that hurt you'. Well that's a no brainer... Screw Rain, for that matter at this point forget about Whisp.
'Stand beside the ones that need you there.' Dad... All this time I had been in denial about what was going on with him, just as he had been. I wanted nothing more than to run away from anything and everything that reminded me of my mom, just as he had. When in reality, we needed each other to get through this together. Even now, I was sitting in our home, going to school even when he probably need me now more than ever.
'Hold the ones you love close so they can help shoulder the burden.' Whistles... As much as she probably needed me, i needed her too. Without her I don't think I could make it through another day. I had came into her life, just as she had become a part of mine. But I was the one holding back... again. I know that by each other's side, the two of us could overcome almost anything together. But still... All I want is to be with her, just her. I want to help my dad. I want us all to fly far away from here and start a new life.
Why can't that be! Well, could it be? My mind raced as it tried to cobble the pieces together, slamming the jagged thoughts into something more of an idea than a plan.
"One problem at a time... My dad is lying in a hospital bed detoxing. Whistle is lying in bed in the middle of a nightmare. Rain is... I hope dead. I got this." I said to myself as I stood and made my way to my bedroom to wake up Whistles... Or snuggle with her, both seemed like good ideas right now. As I trotted down the hall, I could make out the faint muffles coming from my room.
I pressed the door open and stepped to the side of my bed. The covers were just as I remembered them, wrinkled and wadded into a ball that she had made. She held it close to her, as if it were her last prized possession. Slowly, I pulled them away and let them fall to the floor as I slid into her hooves. No sooner than I had pulled them away, her hooves fought to pull them back. But instead of old linens, her hooves found me and pulled me in close.
I gently began to stroke her light blue mane as I comforted her awake. It wasn't fair that a mare as beautiful as her had to go through what she had, but as long as I was here, I was going to make damn well sure she knew it would never happen again. I could only hope that she would return the favor. I guess that is why they call it blind faith, you never can see what trust the other pony has for you.
Her eyes peaked out from under her soft white coat, shimmering the same way that I had come to love. I nuzzled her cheek with my nose and pressed my head to her's. "Bad dream?" I asked.
"Not anymore..." She said as she melted into my chest. "I dreamed you left me." Well, at least I'm not going insane.
"I'm not going anywhere." I said as I too relaxed against her warm body.
"Why?"
"Because I need you. Because every second away from you is a lifetime. Because without you, I can't make it through this and because I love you." I said as I rested my chin atop her forehead.
"Do you... mean that?"
"Every word."
"What are we going to do now?" She asked as I covered her side with my wing.
"I hear Manehatten is nice..."
"Seriously..." She said, giving my side a light punch.
"We let go. We got each other, we don't need anypony else."
"Let go? Let go of what?"
"Anything we don't want to hurt us anymore."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that."
We layed there until the sun came up, not talking, but just being together. It was the first time that I felt confident that I could actually be happy again. I could only hope she felt the same way, but even still, I know she wanted to be free of all this as much as I did. There was only one way out, we both knew it, but neither of us wanted to admit it out loud. We were going to have to leave this place if we truly wanted to be happy together.
It was a huge jump, a scary one in fact. No money, no where to go, nothing to bring with us and nothing ahead of us but miles upon miles and years together. Oddly enough, that was more than enough for me to want to leave right this moment, but I had other things that needed to be taken care of first.
"We need to get ready for school." She said as she rolled to her other side.
"I'm not going." I said as I rolled from the bed to the floor and proceeded to start digging through the mass of hoodies that lay across the room. "Whistles... You have got to start folding these things up!"
"What do you mean you are blowing off school!? Also I can't help it if you put the best ones on the bottom." She said as she trotted over, took the hoodie I had chosen for the day and slipped it on.
"I mean, I have more important things to worry about. Dads in the hospital going through withdraws, I think that affords me the chance to skip!" I said as I pulled yet another zippered hoodie from the stack.
"B-but... Wont your dad get mad at you for skipping!?" I turned to see that she had once again taken her defensive posture towards the thought of upsetting her parents, shrinking into fluffy fabric of her now jacket to hide.
"I highly doubt it. Besides, at this point... I already know I'm failing just about all my classes and with him gone, somepony will need to watch over his shop... might as well be me."
"What do you mean you are failing!? We study every night!" She said as she looked at me in worry.
"You study... I watch. Whistles... To be honest, I just want to be near you. I guess it makes me feel... safe, I don't know. But my point is, when you are talking about school work, I'm usually looking at you and wondering how I am going to make this all work for us."
"You keep saying that. What do you mean by 'make this all work'? Do you know something I don't? Something I should know?" She asked, her every word accusing me as she looked on.
"I mean..." I started as I sat down. "How I am going to keep you safe from your parents, how I am going to keep you happy long enough for you to see I am more than just another buck who thinks you are cute, how I am going to make it through another day without falling apart from stress or fear that one day you might not want me around anymore. Everything I love seem to get all fucked up somehow, with you it's different, I feel confident, but it still scares me. And most of all, I can't shake the Idea of us just... running away."
"Cask... Where would we go?" She asked as she took a place in front of me.
"Anywhere but here. Just so long as you come too." She didn't say anything, but instead wrapped her hooves around me. "I can't do any of this without you. I know you want to go to school but..."
"But?" She asked as she stroked my mane, just as Luna had done.
"But I could really use a pony to hang onto right now. I'm not far from my breaking point and... and... I need you." I whimpered in hopes that she would see that I was being sincere.
"Cask... that's all you had to say." She said as she helped me to my hooves. "You know I would do anything for you, you just have to ask." She said with a sweet smile and her sleepy eyes that could show one thing. Relief.
Maybe it was actually confiding in her, maybe it was me showing weakness to her, maybe it was even her own desire to help being fulfilled. Either way, it was like all of that stress I had been dealing with had been halved the moment she agreed to go with me to the hospital and stay by my side. Pain shared, is pain divided, just as I was told. If that simple fact was ringing true, maybe everything I had been told in that dream could be true too. Maybe if i open up to her more, she will feel less like I could leave at any second. After all, we both shared the same fears of being left alone again. It was going to take time, something we had plenty of, to show each other that the other was not going to just vanish one day, but at least this was a step in the right direction.
The two of us finished getting dressed, making the bed and finally, grabbed a few things from my fathers room to take to the hospital with us. I had hoped that a few pictures and his blanket from his bedding would be enough to bring him some comfort for his stay at the hospital. I know if I was locked up in that place I would want something to remind me of what I had waiting for me back at home. Then again, if I were him I would want nothing more than my son to be there with me.
With that all-to-familiar wave of guilt washing over me, I began to recount what the doctors had said as we trotted up the street to Ponyville General Hospital. He was in the late stages of being a drug addict, at this point detoxing was going to be the hardest thing he had ever done. His dependency for the narcotics were beyond even his body's simple desires to eat or go to the bathroom. Even with the meds they were giving him, it was going to take weeks of detoxing for him to come around again. All the while his body would be subjected to levels of stress that of being on the front-line of a battle field. With his deteriorated state, it would be a miracle if you would pull through without lasting effect from the shear trauma, let alone the damage the drugs had done.
That was just the treatment, after that he would need surgery to relieve the swelling of the brain that would soon follow. He would also end up needing a heart transplant more than likely in the not too distant future less he develop full on heart disease. Then, if he made it past all of that, there was the worry of a relaps from the mental scarring from both the trauma and from now having to fully deal with my mother's death that he had been suppressing all this time. Not doubt that this was not going to be a short process, but rather months or even years of recovery.
The two of use found our way to the hospital's lobby in short order, thankfully it was not far from my small neighborhood. All that confidence I had back at the house had began to wain, where I wanted to be here, I still wanted to run as far from this place as I could. Even though the two of us trotted in silence to the ward where my father was being treated, my thoughts were screaming. Just the thought of seeing him in a state that the doctors had warned me about flooded my brain with fear.
My dad had always been so strong and sure of everything. Even after mom passed it had seemed like he was coping well enough, so much so that I always felt safe when he was around. But now... after finding out it had been the drugs all along, left me feeling betrayed and fearful. Much in the same way one would after a near brush with injury or death, nearly everything I knew about him had been tainted by the drugs.
Whistles stopped me and pointed to a door to my right, this was it, no going back now. No more hiding away from this, I was going to have to see...
"D-dad?" I squeaked. My jaw hung open at the sight before me. That... He... It couldn't be him. My father's body seemed to be withering before my very eyes. It had only been a few days, but the color had seemed to have completely drained from his coat. Everything, absolutely everything in the room brought pain. From his sunken in eyes to the small spatters of bile on his oxygen mask, even the walls felt like they were closing in around him. This wasn't a hospital room, I had seen plenty when I was younger. No. This was worse. It was a waiting room.
I looked on and waited for movement, a twitch, anything, but he didn't stir. I was frozen in my tracks when Whistle gave me a nudge forward and put a wing around me. Somehow... It helped knowing she was there and that I wasn't going to have to be alone through all of this. With a deep breath, I took a cautious step forward, then another and one more until I was near his bedside.
The cacophony of beeps and noises coming from the machines all but broke through the steady buzzing in my ears, constantly reminding me of where I was. Tubes ran from multi-colored fluid filled bags to his legs, pumping in a slurry of drugs to presumably help him through all this. Of all the horrors I could have imagined, after seeing mom suffer the same fate even, it was his breathing that sent fear through me. It was that same shallow, raspy breath I remember as a colt, the same one I had come to know when it was close to the end.
He was fine the other day! How had he gotten this bad in such a short time!? How could any of this have happened!? You don't just go from relatively ok to near dying in less than a week, something had to have happened! I placed my hoof to the bed railing, taking care not to disturb him. Looking down, I took in the full breath of the situation and just how bad things had gotten. Just as I was nearing my breaking point, I felt a hoof to my shoulder lightly pulling me away.
I turned expecting to see Whistles leg, but was greeted with the somber face of a doctor. He was old and grizzled, but wore a comforting look that couldn't help but put somepony at ease.
"Let us step outside, shall we? Your father needs rest." He said as he guided us away from his bedside. Once in the hallway, the two of us sat and waited as he gently closed the door and took his place in front of us.
"I am doctor Narcan, I have been appointed to your fathers case." He said with a gentle tone that suggested we do the same.
"I'm Caskade and this is Whistles." I meeked out somehow. Formalities aside, I had questions that I really needed some answers to after what I had seen. We brought my father here to get better, not kill him. "What's-"
"Please, just listen. I assure you that I will be up front and honest about your father's condition, but you need to know first that this is not going to be anything of the ordinary. I trust that you got my message a few days ago so you already know that his state is greatly deteriorated and a lot of what I am going to have to say is not going to be all sunshine and rainbows. So before we go any further, you need to ask yourself a question first." He said cutting me off before we even had the chance to travel down that dark road. He then looked to the two of us and begged an answer with a look. "Do you want to know, or, do you want to be happy?"
I paused and thought. Message? What message? Everything in my brain was screaming for me to bark at this buck for answers to questions i now had. And what did he mean by do I want to know or be happy? What kind of stupid question was that!? Yes I wanted to know AND be happy! I'll be happy when you heal my dad you sick asshole! Thinking it better to not cause a scene, I nodded slowly as if he were stupid and waited for him to continue.
"We have tried multiple methods of purging the drugs from his system, but i'm afraid their lasting effects are not something we are used to dealing with. Many of the things your father has taken are new and we have tragically little information on them. They are... experimental. Narcotics designed for the war effort in fact. Their long term use has scant documentation of their detrimental effects on a pony's body." His words found my ears in a tinder tone that could not help but set my mind at ease. But nevertheless, there was something about them that set my teeth on edge.
"What exactly are you saying?" I asked, just a touch taken aback by his lack of knowledge.
"I'm saying that despite all of the treatments we have given your father, his body has taken a toll from the abuse. If we had a chance to get him clean sooner, he may have avoided many of the issues he is now facing with, most of look to be... permanent."
"Permanent? What's permanent?" Whistle asked.
"I'm not quite sure how to say this... Over the years of abuse, your father's heart has enlarged from the stress and high blood pressure it has been subjected to. His liver has also suffered a great deal from trying to scrub the poisons out of his blood and as of right now... is in failure. His kidneys are already scarred but after his last round of treatment are now showing signs of failure. We can transplant a lobe of liver from a donor, but his kidneys are going to be harder to find. Even if we could find a positive donor, the chances of him surviving the surgery are slim at best."
My jaw hung open. I knew my dad was in bad shape but... THIS!? Dying!? Despite his every word bring me bad news, I still held on to a slim thread of hope that something could be done. Anything at all! "So, where do we stand? How long until he gets to come home?" I asked hoping for some good news.
"Caskade... I'm afraid there is nothing more that we can do. We can keep him comfortable with sedatives and painkillers, but I'm afraid it will not be long."
You could hear a pin drop in the silence that surrounded me. All apart from a gasp from Whistles, I heard nothing. The color began to drain from my face as the stark reality of what was about to happen in my little world hit home and hit hard. No... This can't be happening... Not again... First mom and now... now...
"H-He... He... He..." I started but my words failed me. No matter how I tried, I couldn't say the words. He's Dying.
"I'm so sorry Caskade. Your father called for his affairs to be set in order yesterday. I'm happy to see that you came to see him, I know that this has had to be hard for you to find out. Many ponies act out violently and in denial when they find out a loved one had been living a secret life. Many don't come back to see them."
"How long does he have?" Whistle said through her own broken words.
"I think it is best that you not worry with how much time you have left with him, but rather be thankful for the time you have."
There was no sound. Only the rapid thudding of my own pounding heart as the doctor sat waiting for me to react to the kill blow he had just dealt to a young buck whose father was slipping away. My mind was completely blank, refusing to process any new information that found its way to my ears. Just... Silence. My racing heart became accompanied by my chest beginning to heave rapidly, growing faster with every moment. Everything was so still through my eyes, yet on the outside I began to convulse violently as my head hit the floor.
I don't recall just how it had happened, how I had found my way to a hospital bed, I could only remember coming to from my stress induced panic attack. I woke to Whistle pacing between my father and myself anxiously as the two of us lay there. Goddesses... What had I done to the poor mare... First I make her skip school and then I give her the shock of a life time as I drop dead on the floor beside her.
"You. Scarred me!" Whistle whispered through her teeth, though, it sounded more like a hiss.
"What!? It's not like I had a choice in the matter. It was like I couldn't move and my body was going into melt down!" I quietly shouted back to her.
"Dont! Do! That! Again!" She said while hitting me with a pillow between her words. I take it back, i don't want a mare friend anymore, they are... too crazy.
Beside me, in his bed, dad's voice broke through our play fighting just long enough to bring me back to that somber place I had left. His wheezed and broken words came out muffled by his oxygen mask, sound as if he were far older than he actually was. I rolled from my bed and half ran, half feel to his side. For a fleeting moment I had forgotten about why I was here and what all had gone wrong since I had woken up.
"Dad?" I said cautiously. The last thing I wanted was to wake him if it was nothing more than some sleep mumbling.
"Ca-"
"DAD! I'm here dad!" I shouted as I ran to his side once again.
"There's my colt... How... How you doin' buddy?" His words were weak and muffled by his face mask, but still held that tone I had come to know when I was this distraught. "W...Why are you crying? Hey... Everything is going to be ok..." he wheezed as he reached for my hoof.
Was it? Was it really? After talking with the doctor, he made it sound like he would die at any moment if the next round of purging didn't work. How was it that he could be so calm, so... ok with this? This was all his fault, he was the one that ran from dealing with losing mom, he was the one taking the drugs and he was... handling this better than me?
"No dad... No! This is not fine, it's not going to be ok! How could you do this to yourself!? How could you do this to me?"
"Cask..." He started but was quickly overcome with a hacking cough. This wasn't right, as mad as I was getting over him putting himself in this position, now was not the time for it. I could only hope that there would be plenty of time for that later. "I'm sorry... I let you down."
"Dad no..."
"Listen to me, please... I let you down, I should have been there for you after your mother died. I should have spent more time with you."
"Dad, you were there." I said, trying to hide my tears as best I could.
"No, I wasn't. I knew you were flying off to deal with your own problems and I didn't do anything to help. I just..." His words were cut off by more retched coughing, this time being accompanied by a small splatter of blood that filled his mask with a spray of pink mist. I hated this, he was atoning for his sins as if he were already dying right here and now!
"Dad! Stop! I know what you are doing and... and..."
"Caskade... p-please? Just listen to me..." He said as he pulled himself closer to me at the bed's railing. "When I was a young buck, I met a mare who changed my life. She... she was everything to me, there was nothing I would not do for her. I-I remember thinking that so long as we had each other, there would always be happiness."
"Mom? Your talking about mom?" I asked timidly.
"Y-yes... Son, the time she gave me... gave both of us, was worth all the gold in equestria. I know that I could never match that, but please son, please..." His words fell flat to the floor as he gasped for air, leave me to only help by rubbing his back and holding his hoof. "Wi... will you stay with me?"
I looked up to the his eyes, they were pleading for mercy at the hooves of his condition and fear. The once smooth feature of his face had withered with time, showing wrinkled that stood out like great valleys across his cheeks. Valleys that had been carved by the steady stream of tears he had been hiding all this time since she had died. This was the first time in my life that I had noticed that he had grown so old in such a short time.
Guilt did not even come close to describing the emotion I was feeling. He had not been the only one who ran away from his problems, or in this case, his own father. Had I not done the same thing? Had I not stayed gone as long as the weather would allow? I had ignored him the same as he had me. But now, right here in this moment, I doubt he was thinking anything different than I was. If I could only go back.
"Yes, dad. I'll stay..." I said, what little of it that could be heard as I reached to hug him.
The hours felt like days, mostly spent sitting and standing watch. Anytime his eyes would so much as crack open, either Whistle or I ran to his side so that he would not have to be alone. The both of us were keeping a brave face, but on the inside... My heart was slowly breaking. With every short moment of relief when I knew I would get to speak with my dad, it brought more pain. Each time he would come to he seemed to loose more and more of that spark that I had come to know as himself.
We did our best to keep the mood light and as cheerful as the situation would allow, but It was my dad who seemed to carry that burden more so than us. Each time he would wake up, we would continue the conversation he had passed out during earlier. Mostly, he wanted to talk about mine and Whistle's relationship, even going so far to joke about how many of these things her and I had done and been through were similar to his own times with mom. But despite the smiles and laughter coming from our room, we were all crying on in the inside with every passing moment.
It wasn't until the sun had sat before I saw that Whistle had fallen fast asleep on the bed beside me. Yet another sunset we had share together as the both of us looked out the window. The nurses came and went through out the evening, each time checking blood pressure and changing out IV bags. With the one exception of them being when they gave him an injection of sedatives to help "keep him comfortable".
Time seemed to crawl the higher the moon rose. I was the only one left awake in the room. Even the normal hospital sounds had grown quiet and the orderlies began putting ponies down for the night. I had sat in the same spot, praying for a miracle that I knew I was not going to get. I had been so lost in my own diluted wishes, I was nearly sent flying when my dad coughed and rolled to look at me. As I had done several times that day, I stepped to his side again and placed my hooves on the cold steal railing once more.
"C... Cas..."
"Shhh dad... it's ok, I'm here." I said quietly as to not wake Whistles up. She had already put herself out enough without me asking even more of her this late at night.
"I... I wanted to tell you that I love you." He said softly as he reached to pull his oxygen mask away.
"Dad... You need to keep this on." I said as I tried my best to place it back over his muzzle, but he pushed it away with a weak hoof.
"Son... I'm sorry you had to see this... You have been through so much... in life... already."
"No, really, it's ok... you would be here for me. You never left mom's side when she got sick, why would I be any different?" I said as I helped him pull the mask away from his face. His eyes had become glassy and seemed to look right past me as he struggled to make eye contact.
"We raised such a strong colt..." He said as he placed a hoof over my own.
"I had good teachers." I said as I helped guide his hoof to mine for me to hold.
"Son... I watched you fade into this world. From... Just a little colt... to a... buck. I'm so... sorry that you have to watch me fade out. When the grip... leaves my hoof... I know you wont let us down."
"Dad... It's just us here." I said as I pushed his matted and soaked mane from his eyes. Even still, his eyes looked passed me to the still sleeping Whistle.
"She's beautiful... isn't she son?" I followed his gaze to Whistle who lay on a hospital bed, bathed in moonlight in front of the picture perfect landscape in the window.
"Yeah dad... Whistles is one of a kind..." I said quietly as I began to feel his grip loosen. I couldn't look back to him, not like this. Instead I closed my eyes and bit my lip as I felt his hoof begin to slide from mine as it grew weaker.
"Yeah... Cardinal is..." He whispered as his words faded among the now steady tone of his heart monitor. I forced my eyes open and kept them on Whistle who was still sound asleep, trying to bury my pain in the beautiful picture that lay just before me.
Almost as if to be a sign, a little red cardinal appeared on the window sill, hopping into view from behind Whistles sleeping form. I watched as it peered through the window at us, watching a world unfold in its darkest moments through tear soaked eyes. It was soon joined by another, larger and rougher looking bird that took lite right beside it. Even though they were just a couple of song birds, they acted as if they were old friends as they jumped and hopped in place. In my broken state, it wasn't until they took flight together that I knew what I had saw.
"Tell mom I love her..." I said softly as I carefully rested his hoof back in the bed beside him.
Nurses flooded the room and I began to trot out into the hallway where I sat as they call the time of death. Despite the tears and my longing to have more time with my dad, I was smiling. I knew that even though he had suffered the worst through his addiction, he was finally right where he wanted to be. He was with my mother, again.