The terror, which would not end for another two-and-a-half minutes, began with a boring boat made from a boring sheet of newspaper floating down a boring gutter swollen with rain.
“This is so damn boring!” Discord lamented, chasing his paper boat down the street, clad in his large yellow rainslicker. “How could Fluttershy have possibly thought something like this would be fun?”
Indeed, it had been Fluttershy’s idea all along; first making the boat for Discord and then sending him out on his way. Down on the rainy street, Discord’s boat bobbed and weaved and almost fell into a nearby rain gutter, avoiding it at the very last moment.
Discord cursed under his breath… then he kicked the boat in there anyways.
“Now for some dry clothes and hot chocolate!” Discord declared.
“Ow!” said a voice within the gutter. “Now who would throw away a perfectly good boat?”
Discord halted on the spot, rain pounding down atop his yellow hood. Slowly, he knelt down towards the gutter, where they seemed to be nothing in there but darkness.
Until a human clown suddenly appeared there.
“Hi, Discord!” the clown greeted happily, causing Discord to recoil and shriek. “Don’t tell me you’re afraid of clowns, bucko?”
Discord took a breath, calming himself. “No. Humans, rather. So smelly and gross. Rude, too.” He paused, glancing from side to side. “I’m actually not supposed to talk to strangers. Fluttershy said so.”
The clown in the gutter nodded solemnly. “Very wise of this Fluttershy, very wise indeed. So, let’s fix that! I am Pennywise the dancing clown! And you are Discord! Now we’re not strangers anymore, keeeereck?”
Discord thought on that. “I guess so. More like acquaintances if anything. Like… I wouldn’t stop to chat with you in the grocery store… maybe just wave awkwardly. And you say you’re a dancing clown? Like what? Hip-hop? Salsa? Pop-and-lock? I took two years of tap, you know. My teacher said I had the legs of an angel—an angel that had been hit by a cannonball and paralyzed from the waist down.”
Pennywise ignored Discord’s last question. Instead, he held up the boat Discord had been chasing earlier. “Remember this? Go on! Take it!”
Discord waved a hand. “Nah. I’m good.”
“But won’t Fluttershy be mad? Won’t she be positively furious?”
“It’s made out of newspaper, Bozo. I think I can make another one.”
Pennywise smiled devilishly. “Then how ‘bout… a balloon?”
And from out of nowhere came six or seven of the most colorful balloons Discord had ever seen.
Discord’s eyes popped open. “Now that’s my jam!”
And before Pennywise could even move a single muscle, Discord had snatched each and every balloon from him, leaving him bewildered, staring at his now empty gloved hand.
“Eh-heh,” Pennywise chuckled out weakly. “I really hadn’t expected you to grab them that fast.”
Discord snorted, holding on to his new balloons proudly. “You kidding? When a clown in a rain gutter offers you balloons, you don’t hesitate.” He used one of his sharp claws to pop a lone balloon. “And they float, too! How cool!”
“Oh, yes,” Pennywise growled out with a smirk. “They all float. And when you’re down here with me… you’ll float, too!”
Then the clown laughed and laughed, as Discord raised a curious brow.
“Was that supposed to mean something?” Discord asked. “I’ll have you know I’m not new to the whole ‘float’ game. I’ve been floating around since before it was even cool. Even now I’m not touching the street. I’m exactly one millimeter above it. And why would I ever want to be down in that wet gutter with you?”
Pennywise cocked his head to the side. “Don’t you hear it? Can’t you smell it? There’s a whole circus down here! It was all swept here by the rain! Animals, too!”
Discord lightly tapped on his chin. “That seems… highly unlikely.”
“And I haven’t even mentioned the food yet! Pretzels and cotton candy! Hotdogs and peanuts!”
“Got any candy?”
“Oh, yes,” Pennywise oozed out menacingly. “Lots of tasty candy down here.”
“Like what?”
That appeared to stump Pennywise. “Like… you know. Candy. Just candy.”
“Any Mr. Badbars?” Discord questioned.
“No.”
“Mike and Spikes?”
“No.”
“Butterhooves?”
“No.”
“Any Baby Ruthless bars, perhaps?”
“Maybe somewhere in the back.”
Painfully, Discord slapped himself across the face. “You know, I’m seriously starting to doubt the validity of your claim to have copious amounts of candy down in that wet gutter of yours. And you know what? Now that I’m thinking about it, this just isn’t adding up. Not. At. All. The creepy clown? The underground circus? The free, floating balloons?”
He narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
“And perhaps most telling of all… since when has there been a rain gutter next to Fluttershy’s house?”
Pennywise looked unfazed by his lack of success. Once more, he held out another colorful batch of balloons. “How ‘bout another balloon, pal?”
Discord grimaced. “You just want me to stick my arm in there, don’t you?”
“What makes you say that?” Pennywise replied, licking the blood red lips that barely concealed his razor-sharp teeth. “If you don’t want a balloon, could you at least tell me the time?”
Hesitantly, Discord glanced at the wristwatch he hadn’t worn a single day in his life until that moment. “Okay. But no funny business, John Wayne Gacy.”
“None at all!” Pennywise blurted, laughing so hard that spittle flew from his lips.
Well, Discord thought to himself, he does seem like a rather happy fellow.
That was when Discord held out his arm, and a mere moment later—
Pop!
—off it went.
Discord glared at Pennywise, deadpan. “Did you just steal my arm?”
Pennywise’s laughter dried up in an instant. “Maybe.”
“Can I have it back?”
Pennywise thought on that. “…no.”
Rolling his eyes, Discord used his remaining hand to snap another arm back on. “Not cool, bro. Not cool at all. Let me guess. You only in town to eat ponies?”
“What makes you say that?” Pennywise asked through a mouthful of lion flesh.
“And scaring ponies dressed up like a clown?” Discord gravely shook his head from side to side. “That look is so last century. What’s next? A giant spider?”
“Not at all,” Pennywise answered with a grin. “Only the very worst of all nightmares combined! A bandage-wrapped mummy! A howling, snarling werewolf! A leaky sink!”
Discord yawned. “Oh, boy. I think I almost fell asleep there. You know what’s really scary these days, Sideshow Butt? Never-ending student loans! The bathroom scale you haven’t weighed yourself on in months! The crushing realization that one day you will die without ever leaving a lasting mark upon this world! You really think you’re the only multidimensional living embodiment of fear? Think again! I know damn well about that giant tortoise holding this place together!”
“Turtle,” Pennywise corrected.
“Whatever!” Discord spat back. “Regardless, it’s stupid.”
Down in the rain soaked gutter, Pennywise sighed as his shoulders slumped. Even his handful of balloons sunk a bit. “You know… you’re really bumming me out here. I think I’m gonna leave now. And I’ll be keeping my balloons and your boat, thank you very much.”
“Leaving so soon?” Discord asked, clearly satisfied with his work. “But don’t you want one of my balloons before you go?”
With the snap of his fingers, Discord conjured up a bright, big balloon, complete with the image of his own smiling, cackling face on it. It sure did float, too.
Pennywise looked on the verge of tears, his jaw slack. “Teach me, Discord.”
And so he did. And it didn’t end well for anyone.