//------------------------------//
// Chapter 4: Alchemist is Chemistry with Magic 
// Story: Horseradish 
// by Unwhole Hole 
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The Cutie Mark Crusaders- -plus one ambulatory tuber- -continued down the long, winding dirt road that led back to town from the boondocks where the town’s various hicks and yokels lived. Their conversations were surprisingly usual, even though they were in the company of a horseradish. The horseradish, likewise, did not seem to mind. Although it could not, it appeared to like listening.  

            Walking together, they turned a sharp turn in the road. When they nearly bumped into an individual walking the opposite direction, they all- -save for the radish- -cried out in sudden panic. 

            “Not the rack!” cried Sweetie Belle. “It wasn’t my fault, Satin made me do it!” 

            “Um, okay?” 

            The fillies looked at the person they had run into, wondering what pony it had been, only to find that it was not a pony at all. They found themselves staring at, instead, a violet and green dragon.  

            “Spike!” cried Applebloom. “You scared the literal bajeezis out of us!” 

            “Yeah!” said Scootaloo. She pointed at the ground behind her. “Look, there it is!”  

            “Is it because I’m an enormous, frightening, physically imposing dragon?” said Spike. 

            The Crusaders laughed, not realizing that Spike was not in fact joking. Spike did not have time to ruminate on the sudden deflation of his self-esteem, though. Instead, he found himself staring directly into the eyes of a horseradish.  

            “Huh,” he said. “That’s odd.” 

            Applebloom and Sweetie Belle stared at him, surprised at his lackadaisical response. “And you don’t find that weird?” asked Applebloom. 

            “Frankly? No, not really. I live in a castle made of fancy crystal that grew out of the ground. With Twilight and Starlight. And you would not believe what they get up to. I mean, one time I forgot to knock on Twilight’s door, and I caught them doing….things.” 

            “What kind of things?” asked Scootaloo. 

            “Well, Twilight told me they were doing a special magic ritual. So, witchcraft, I guess. And I believe her. There was a pentagram and candles and stuff. They even had a goat.” 

            Appleboom gasped. “They- -they sacrificed a goat?!” 

            “Sacrificed? No! He was just sort of…there. Watching.”  

            They all stood in silence for a moment. Then Spike shrugged. “Well, I need to get on my way. I have to get a bunch of gems for Rarity.” The sigh that he said ‘Rarity’ with made Sweetie Belle feel distinctly nauseous. 

            “You do know she’s using you, right?” 

            “Of course I do. But I can’t help it! She’s just so…Rarity.” 

            Sweetie Belle shivered. “It’s not a healthy relationship.”  

            “But she promised to show me her new bathing suit line!” 

            “Why?” asked Applebloom. “You’ve already seen her naked. We’ve all seen her naked. We’re ponies. We don’t wear clothes. YOU don’t wear clothes. HE doesn’t wear clothes.” She pointed at the Horseradish. “At least, I don’t think he does…hmm…maybe I should knit him a sweater…”  

            “I can’t help it,” sighed Spike. “I’m a dragon. I like pretty things, like gems.” 

            “You mean like the gems on my sister’s butt?” 

            Spike blushed. “Oh, look at the time,” he said. “I need to go do dragon things. You know, breathing fire, hoarding wealth, eating knights, that sort of thing. Very busy!” 

            “And we really need to hurry up and hide this horseradish,” said Scootlaoo. “If we get back after dark, the rats tend to get into my pillows, and trust me, you do NOT want to wake up with a rat in your ear.” 

            The Cutie Mark Crusaders continued on their way, and Spike on his. He had been tasked to acquire several rare gems that neither he nor Rarity were able to find on their own. As such, Rarity had sent him to Maud Pie, who lived in a hole but stayed close to her kind on the edge of town. Maud was more than happy to sell gemstones that she had encountered in her work but considered “too arrogant” for further study. The prices were invariably high, as Maud spent a considerable sum of her money to fuel her coke habit. Spike was not sure why, exactly, but assumed that she was using it to do her own custom blacksmithing. That, or she was eating it, although the idea of eating a gray porous rock made from bituminous coal made him queasy.  

            He did eventually return to Rarity, where she decided that the gems were the wrong color for the project she was working on anyway and despite the fact that he had spent most of his day hiking out into Ponyville Adjacent and had spent his own allowance on them, she simply sent him away without showing him even a one-piece.  

            After this, he decided to stop at the Ponyville post office to get Twilight and Starlight’s non-Celestia-based mail. While there, he stole several muffins, taking advantage of the fact that Derpy had a hard time keeping an eye on them. Afterward, he went home.  

            Once there, he immediately found his way to Twilight’s laboratory. It was where she had been spending more and more time recently. 

            “Twilight?” Spike knocked at the door. “I got the mail. There’s some envelopes from Shining Armor in here. Hopefully he didn’t accidently send us the pictures meant for Cadence again…” Spike shuddered, remembering that unfortunate incident.  

            Twilight did not respond, and, concerned, Spike knocked again. “Twilight?” 

            The door immediately flew open, and a plume of acrid gas burst out. Spike coughed and choked at the smell of fresh-cut grass and something acidic. “Sweet Hairy Luna!” he cried. “Twilight, I told you! Rainbow Dash isn’t a good cook, you can only eat ONE of her chimichangas at a time!” 

            “It wasn’t the chimichangas,” said Twilight, poking her head from the plumes of gas and smoke. She sighed. “It was another failure, I’m afraid. It’s phosgene. And hydrogen fluoride. Try not to breath it.” 

            “Why? Is that stuff toxic?” 

            “No, not at all. I’m immortal.”  

            “What bout to me?” 

            “To a dragon? I have no idea. I haven’t done the LD50 yet.” She paused, and a familiar look of inspiration crossed her eyes. “Actually, I rescind my first statement. Come in, come in! And be sure to take lots and lots of deep breaths, and if you could, describe any unique symptoms you may be experiencing.” 

            “O…kay?”   

            Spike entered the room, and saw that it had in fact been another failed potion. Twilight’s various alchemical apparatuses were smoking and spitting, and the curtains were on fire. Twilight, having experienced this literally hundreds of times, picked up a fire extinguisher and began to extinguish.  

            “What happened?” said Spike, coughing slightly on the gas that was filling the room.  

            “Apparently my quebrith didn’t want to play nicely with my vitriol.” Twilight kicked the alchemy desk in frustration, causing the glassware to rattle. “It just isn’t working! That’s the tenth failure this week!” 

            “What were you trying to do? Making the sorcerer’s stone?” 

            Twilight slapped the back of Spike’s head. “It’s the PHILOSOPHER’S stone. Don’t be a git, Spike. Nopony likes a git.” Twilight sighed. “And no. What I was trying to do was RESEARCH. You know, unraveling the secrets of the material world, understanding the fundamental nature of the universe, applying this knowledge toward the benefit of ponykind? That sort of thing?” She looked at a still smoking beaker. “You know, turning gold into lead and stuff.” 

            “Don’t you mean lead into gold?” 

            Twilight laughed in the most condescending way possible, as was her custom. “Oh, no, Spike, we have a spell for that! How do you think I afford all these chaurus eggs?” She gestured toward a large but empty wooden bowl. 

            “Um…there aren’t any eggs there.” 

            Twilight looked at the bowl. “Oh. Well. You had better find an exterminator, then, shouldn’t you? And don’t go to sleep.”  

            Spike gulped audibly and held the mail he was holding close to his chest. Twilight did not seem to notice, and continued with her rant.  

            “And just look at my ponunculi!” she cried, pointing toward a large and almost spherical jar that had been converted into a terrarium. Spike stepped over to it and looked in. Inside, there were a number of tiny pony-like creatures. All of them were pinkish and hairless, and all of them were derped. Some of them were wandering around their habitat in utter amazement, others were resting, and a few had been trapped on their backs, unable to rectify their situations.  

            “They look good to me,” said Spike. “Kind of cute, even. In a horrible abomination kind of way.”  

            “They’re supposed to be bigger,” said Twilight, as though it was obvious. “By now, I should have an entire army of golems willing to do my royal bidding!” 

            “Does Celestia know you’re trying to, you know, commit crimes against nature?” 

            “PFF,” said Twilight. “She sent me  here to make friends, didn’t she?”  

            “I don’t know if that’s what she meant.”   

            “The problem is,” said Twilight, ignoring Spike as usual, “is that the ingredients just aren’t high enough quality. I can order dried preparations in catalogues, get them from Zecora, but that doesn’t include the kind of things I need.” 

            “And what do you need?” 

            “I’m not sure, Spike. I need to think about it. Maybe take Starlight into the basement and consult her.”  

            “You do that,” said Spike, setting Twilight’s mail on her desk. He turned to leave, but pointed at the jar of ponunculi before doing so. “And please don’t break that jar. I don’t want to wake up with one of those crawling into my ear.” 

            “You don’t have ears.” 

            “That’s not the point. Their almost as weird looking as that root thing that Applebloom has.” 

            Twilight looked confused. “Root thing? Applebloom’s a filly, why would she have a root?”  

            “Oh. Yeah, I saw it on the way here. Like a pony, except it was a root. With a plant growing out of its head. And walking around. It was super freaky. I’ll probably have nightmares.” He paused. “I think she called it a horseradish?” 

            Twilight’s eyes widened. “Horse…radish?” 

            “I know, right? It’s not a radish at all! More like a weird potato or something- -” 

            Twilight immediately rushed past him, throwing him onto the ground to get him out of the way as she ran to the bookshelves on the side of the room. 

            “Ow! Twilight, why did you do that? I mean, it’s not the first time you’ve injured me on the way to books- -” 

            “Shut your pie-hole, Spike, I’m trying to book!” Twilight threw open several texts, levitating more of them in her magic. “Let’s see…phlebotinum base…nigrosine augmentation….potash content at forty seven to nineteen parts, high in fiber…” Her eyes widened even wider, and she squealed with joy. “That’s it! That’s IT!” 

            “What’s it?” 

            “Horseradish! That’s exactly the reagent I need! See?” She turned the book toward Spike. “A chelating matrix of Salts of Animation! Horseradish has the organic porforins already synthesized and stable!” 

            “Twilight, I think the gas is affecting you. You’re not making any sense.”  

            “No, YOU’RE not making any sense! Horseradish, it’s the exact reagent I’m missing, a bridge that will allow my synthesis reaction to work properly!” She flipped through the book. “Chopped? No, no…GROUND horseradish! That’s the key! I never even considered it because they’re almost extinct and ultra-super-secret-double-illegal, but since laws don’t apply to Princesses, that’s okay!” She breathed heavily, having just exhausted most of her hot air. “Spike, are you SURE it was a horseradish?” 

            “I guess they could have just had a really ugly friend?” 

            “No, from what Sweetie Belle tells me they don’t like Diamond Tiara all that much. So it MUST be a horseradish!” She gasped excitedly and her long, luxurious alicorn wings stood on end. “I HAVE to have that horseradish! Spike, take me to it, NOW!” 

            “Twilight…I don’t feel so good…” 

            At that instant, Spike finally succumbed to the gas and passed out on the floor. 

            “Oh,” said Twilight. “Interesting.” She took up a clipboard and a violet quill and began scribbling down some notes. “So phosgene DOES affect dragons, it just takes a while. Vey interesting Spike…” She paused, and looked down at Spike. “Aaaaand I should probably get you to fresh air. So that you can wake up and tell me where the horseradish is.”   I like them ���Q