Another Displaced Human Dilemma
By: The Twin Ace'd Pegasus
< 14 >
Pinkie Pride
Page flip.
"Did you really have to throw all this in my face?"
So, I literally just woke up because these stapled together sheets of paper got thrown at my head. And there is absolutely no one else in the room except me, which means you just used your author powers of directly messing around with the world and conjuring things up.
<I only did it once so far, you know. If I'm remembering correctly.>
"Yeah, you threw money at me the first day I got here," I whispered, making sure not to speak too loudly, lest I wake anyone else in the house. I liked talking out loud, even if just to myself, alright? "So what the heck is all this anyways?"
<Oh, it's most of the transcript for the episode this chapter is going to take place in.>
I wiped my face, clearing some more of my drowsiness. "Whaaaa..."
Okay, fine. I picked up the sheets of paper and started skimming through it, picking up the main points. "So... it's a Pinkie chapter... and... this looks all very metered and lyrical."
Oh, so it's a musical episode.
<Exacto.>
I scrunched my face a bit. "Alright, so then what? I think I've gotten used to the whole 'we're around for every episode' thing because 'self-insert stuff', but obviously we've skipped out on every single song ever. One way or another."
<Honestly? Maybe we should just keep this simple and observe from a distance.>
"Keep it boring, got it."
<It's too much work to figure something out...>
I sifted through the transcript a bit more. "It seems like too much work to try and weave my way in and out of this. I guess we're throwing out 'naturally occurring' plot stuff for today?"
<Just this once. We'll call it a freebie. Sort of.>
I sighed, throwing the transcript onto my desk. Beside the desk was a window looking out the front, and right now, it was the calm before the musical storm.
"Alright, let's just get this over with. Somehow."
<This is going to be a near-pointless chapter...>
"Oh yeah, and who the heck is that Cheese Sandwich guy?"
<<+>>
"Pinkie singing... right." So, apparently that starts off the Ponyville segment, which was after the opening sequence, I guess. And lo and behold, we have Pinkie bouncing around town, singing and stuff.
I decided to watch from a distance, sitting at a table at some restaurant's outdoor patio.
...
<<+>>
Montages are still something that I cannot explain because I'm in a weird state of consciousness during it. So just take my word for it, Pinkie sang about planning parties, background ponies were featured, and now apparently there's an occasion for Rainbow.
<Are you still sitting and spectating from a distance?>
Yeah.
<... Can you actually hear anything if they're just talking to each other?>
I... might have to get closer.
<Screw that. Have a live feed to the show camera and invisible boom microphones.>
... Neat.
They'd raised this banner that had a... drawing or painting of Rainbow on it. Roughly. The Mane 6 were outside the front of Sugarcube Corner, currently discussing the important matter of a Pinkie-guaranteed amazing party.
"Great!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Now, who's ready to join this super duper party pony to plan this super duper pa-rty?"
"I am," said this stallion who appeared from the shadows. He was wearing some sort of Western-getup.
Everyone gasped at the surprise appearance of this newcomer. He blew a party horn in response.
"Who are you, stranger?" Pinkie asked.
"Name's Cheese Sandwich," the yellow pony answered. "I plan parties."
"What an amazing coincidence! I'm Pinkie Pie, and I'm planning a party!"
"Oh, it's no coincidence, my little pony. My cheesy sense was a-tingling, telling me a party was in the works."
"A cheesy sense? Ah!" Pinkie was getting excited. "Double amazing! I have a Pinkie Sense!"
"Yes. I sensed you did. And I happen to be the premiere party planner in all of Equestria. If there's a party in need, there I'll be. Be it wingding, hoedown, hootenanny, or shindig, I'm your pony."
"A pair of party pony planners in Ponyville?! What can be more perfect?!"
Exacto, Pinkie. That is perfect. You know what they say, two heads are better than one, but too many cooks spoil the broth.
"I'll tell you what," Rainbow said, "making this party epic! 'Cause this isn't just any birthday. It's also the anniversary of when I moved to Ponyville!"
"Good heavens, Rainbow Dash," Rarity noted, "It's your 'birth-iversary'!"
... What kind of term is that?!
"Exactly!" Rainbow agreed happily. "So what do you say, party planners?"
"Oh, I think we can do it!" Pinkie said confidently.
"Oh, I don't think so," Cheese said.
Cue gasps from casting doubts despite the party pedigree of two ponies present.
Cheese threw off his cloak and hat in a burst of enthusiasm. "I know so! After all..."
Then we get sucked into another song montage. This time about Cheese's impressive party-planing abilities.
... Wait, is that Weird Al Yankovic?
<Oh, the pony in the line-up? Yeah.>
No... I mean, Cheese. That's Weird Al.
<Oh, yeah, him too.>
That's awesome!
"C'mon, everypony!" Rainbow exclaimed, still in song-mode. "Let's party down with Cheese!"
"You're really a certified party pony?" Fluttershy asked.
"That's right!" Cheese said. "That's my guarantee! The super-duper party pony–that pony is me-e-e-e-e!"
He got carried away by an excited crowd.
"But what about the super party pony named Pinkie...?" Pinkie sang, left behind.
Then the song ended.
"Yeah! Hah, now that's what I'm talking about!" Rainbow expressed her excitement by flying around. "I'm so stoked you're here, Cheese Sandwich!"
"Yeah," Applejack agreed. "You sure did come on the right day."
Rarity sighed in awe. "Your party sounds simply divine."
"We're so lucky to have you here," Twilight also agreed.
"Just doing my job, little fillies," Cheese said relatively modestly.
Rainbow continued on excitedly. "I mean, Pinkie Pie's parties are fun and sweet and all—"
Wait, what does she mean 'Pinkie Pie's parties are fun and sweet and all'? Are they handing it off to this guy that just waltzed in from the shadows then sung a huge song to prove how awesome he is?
"—but now this party's gonna be—"
"Epic?" Cheese finished.
"You said it! Oh, yeah!"
"Feels gouda!" Pun!
"Uh, heh, no offense, Pinkie," Rainbow said.
Pinkie just smiled. "Uh, n-none taken."
... Pinkie, I think you're being much too... meek. But I guess Cheese somehow already setting up a huge stage for Rainbow's party has something to do with it.
"My birth-iversary's already looking way cooler!" Rainbow exclaimed, looking at the new setup. "You are my kind of party pony, Cheese Sandwich."
Totally not rubbing it in.
Cheese chuckled. "You got that right, Rainbow Dash. All right, party ponies, I've got some planning to do!"
Cue cheers.
<<+>>
I headed over to Sugarcube corner where I figured I would find Pinkie.
"Hey, Pinkie," I greeted.
"Oh, hey, Stardust," Pinkie greeted back, clearly down. She was watering plants... except she wasn't watering anything because the plants were to her right.
... Does she know how this episode is going to turn out?
Pinkie grabbed me by my shoulders tight. "No! I... I don't! Is it going to turn out okay? Is Rainbow going to have a great party?" She let go and put her hooves to her head. "Am I going to be able to throw my friend the greatest party of her life?!"
<There you go.>
Wow, a Pinkie lockout. Impressive.
<It was required.>
"You know," I said, "if it makes you feel any better, the sudden change from them trusting in you to throw a party to Cheese planning the party doesn't make sense to me either."
It didn't appear to make Pinkie feel any better—not that I expected any different—but it did put her less into this down mood and more into, I dunno, confused?
"Pinkie!" Suddenly, Twilight appeared, apparently also searching for Pinkie. "Aren't you gonna help Cheese Sandwich plan the party?"
"That's okay." Pinkie chuckled nervously. "He obviously has what it takes to do it all by himself. Heh."
Twilight was taken aback. "Really? Stardust, help me out here."
"I'm just going to let things run its course this time," I answered.
"Yes, indeedy!" Pinkie answered Twilight. She chuckled nervously again. "After all, if Cheese really is the super-duperiest partying-est pony of them all, maybe that means... I'm... not."
"That logic is stupid," I commented, right before another song montage cut in.
It was a weird montage, as song montages usually are, but it cut back to relevancy in the second half. Said part of montage included callbacks to literally the first episode, Friendship is Magic Part 1, the Pinkie-goes-nutters mane-deflation Pinkamena episode, Party of One, and Cadance and Shining's wedding. That's cool.
At the end of her song, Pinkie resolved to not let Cheese take away her position from her with renewed... uh, resolve.
Boy, this'll be fun.
<<+>>
I followed Pinkie out to her search for Cheese. In doing so, we arrived at the venue for Rainbow's party, which featured a stage with a proper banner with Rainbow's image—seriously, did he just get special access to Ponyville's printing place?—a bright light that was able to project Rainbow's cutie mark into the sky during daytime, and and impressive ice sculpture the size of tree in the shape of Rainbow's cutie mark.
"Geez, where did Cheese even get all this stuff?..." I wondered to myself. More pony hammerspace, I guess. Especially with the goofy party pony he was.
Then Pinkie barged in. "Freeze, Cheese! I challenge you... to a goof off!"
Cue gasps from all the ponies present. I walked amidst the crowd to listen in.
"Oh, no!" Fluttershy exclaimed. "Not a goof off!"
"What's a goof off?" Applejack whispered while stepping over Fluttershy.
"I have no idea," Fluttershy answered, chuckling.
"This Cheese has stood alone a long time, Pinkie Pie," Cheese said, now wearing a fez. "You think you can out-goof me?"
"Oh, I don't think so. I know so!" Pinkie said, echoing the words from earlier. "And the stakes are high, Cheese Sandwich. Whoever wins will be dubbed the ultimate super duper party pony and headline the Rainbow Dash birth-iversary bash!"
"And the loser?" Twilight asked from the sidelines.
"Doesn't!"
Cue more gasps.
"So, are you in, Cheese?" Pinkie goaded. "Or are you... boneless?"
"Nopony calls me boneless," Cheese growled. "Right, Boneless?"
His rubber chicken responded as rubber chickens do.
"Then the goof off is on for high noon!" Pinkie declared.
"Um, Pinkie?" Twilight said. "It's already 3 o'clock."
"Oh. Oh, well then. Make it 3:10 to goof off!"
I chuckled a bit. "Oh, I get it. 3:10 to Yuma. Funny."
And so in ten minutes, we had ourselves a parody of a western, with our two goof-off-ers facing down across a long stretch of street. Wearing spurs. Because I guess that makes sense.
I mean, it does, but... you get what I mean.
The jingle-jangle of the spurs followed their steps as they squared off. Pinkie, wearing a huge ten-gallon hat with an arrow through it, blew a party horn.
"All right, everypony," Twilight said. "According to my official goof off rulebook..."
"She actually has a goof off rulebook?" Rainbow whispered incredulously.
"Are you kidding?" Spike said. "Twilight can find a rulebook for everything!"
"Is that small library actually that endless?" I wondered out loud.
We got shushed by Matilda the donkey. Or Mule? Mule, right?
Even though as my biology professor said, there's no 'he' mules or 'she' mules, only 'it' mules...
<The wonders of Equestrian taxonomy.>
"The two competitors have free range to goof about," Twilight began explaining, "be it by singing, dancing, playing, prancing, joking, or performing—to make the judge chortle, chuckle, giggle, guffaw, hoot and holler, whoop it up, and party down."
The two party ponies did a quick warm-up pseudo-quickdraw of their goof skills, with Pinkie making a funny face, and Cheese... sticking his tongue out with a mouse playing a tuba?
"The funnier, sillier, wilder, and goofier, the better," Twilight continued. "Rainbow Dash, since the winner will be headlining your party, you are the judge."
"Heh," Rainbow chuckled. "Big tense competition on my birth-iversary. What could be better?"
... Wait.
"Cheese Sandwich, Pinkie Pie, are you ready?" Twilight asked.
"Can I object to this?" I said sort of timidly.
"I was born ready!" Pinkie said. Well...
"I was ready before I was born!" Cheese said in return. I guess things will just run their course for a bit.
"Then..." Twilight started, "Let the goofing begin!"
So now we get sucked into another musical madness, but this time in sort-of real-time without the montages.
The two started off simple enough, going through a few small acts. Pinkie with her props like a mustache and a beanie hat, and Cheese playing the accordion while... dancing or something.
Then Pinkie started dancing on a ball and tossing cupcakes to Rainbow.
... Then Cheese came in rolling on a giant cheese wheel? And started dancing with cheese shoes.
Then, Pinkie in her odd cartoon powers managed to get party balloons to lift a hot air balloon basket, and grabbed Rainbow with a fishing pole.
Then stuff with Boneless, the rubber chicken?
I think I was going dizzy with all the weirdness. And the musical battle.
Then a live-action Gummy the alligator?
Then a cheese throne, then... Cheese singing the Smile Song?
Wew.
"That's my song!" Pinkie exclaimed, popping out from under the yellow carpet laid down on the ground.
"What do you mean?" Cheese asked. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"THAT'S IT!"
Back to song.... "Roll out the party cannon..."
And there's the all-famous Party Cannon.
... And then Cheese rolls in with a...
... Does this make tanks canon in Equestria?
<Uh...>
Oh, hey, Pinkie somehow got ahold of a crane with an absolutely massive rainbow pinata. And she started singing in Spanish.
Then something happened that caused the bottom layer of the cake-like pinata to fall on Rainbow. Ouch?
And finally, we cut back out of song mode. Whew, how exhausting to keep conscious during that.
"Rainbow's not having the best party ever!" Pinkie exclaimed worriedly. "I... I broke the Pinkie Party Promise!" She waved for a halt to the competition. "Stop! The goof off is off!"
The crowd was confused at this new turn of events.
"But I haven't named a winner," Rainbow said.
"You don't have to," Pinkie said. "I forfeit. Which means... Cheese Sandwich wins."
The realization seemed to hit Cheese by surprise. "... I do?"
"Yes," Pinkie conceded. "You get to headline Rainbow Dash's party."
"But, what about you, Pinkie?" Twilight said.
I raised a brow, but spoke softly to myself. "Wow, now you're all suddenly worried? Geez. Talk about a flimsy plot excuse."
"I..." Pinkie sniffled. "I don't."
"Pinkie, wait!" Rainbow exclaimed. "I'm sorry I got all swept away by Cheese Sandwich."
"We all are," Twilight agreed. As did the rest of the Mane 6.
Spike sighed. "Sorry, Pinkie."
"No," Pinkie said. "I'm sorry I let my pride get in the way of you having the best birth-iversary ever. Cheese Sandwich really is a super duper party planner, and he'll be a terrific headliner. I should've been a big enough pony to admit that and let you have your day."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait," I decided to butt in. "Why are you—"
However, before I could continue Rainbow stepped in front of me. "But don't you get it? You're both super duper party ponies. Sure, Cheese Sandwich is a great guest party pony, but you're Ponyville's permanent party pony. Nopony could ever take your place, and we could never have a party without you."
Then Cheese stepped over. "Rainbow Dash is right. I never meant to take your place in Ponyville. I just wanted to show you what a great party pony I am, Pinkie."
Eh? Questions abound.
"Why me?" Pinkie asked.
"Well..."
Enter a miniature song montage...
... That explained that Cheese was a nobody until he came to Ponyville and experienced one of Pinkie's parties when they were all little. And that Pinkie was the reason for Cheese being the party pony that he was.
"Me?" Pinkie asked after all of it.
"Yes!" Cheese exclaimed.
"Hah, really?!"
"Really!"
"So I was the pony that threw the awesomely spectacular party that inspired you to become an awesome spectacular party thrower?"
"Swear on Camembert!"
Before anyone could get any farther, I released my pent-up exasperation at the plot of this episode in some non-sensical scream. I caught everyone's attention with my small act of going nutty.
Rainbow gave an exasperated sigh. "Okay, what now, Stardust?"
"Okay, can we just..." I put my hooves to my head. "... Ya'll are... I can't even find the word to describe you all." I facehoofed. There, that's the description I figured conveyed it best. Facepalm-worthy.
"Look," I continued. "I have a record of everything said during this ep... this day!... Well, everything of note, at least!"
I pulled out the transcript that got whisked into existence earlier and waved it around.
"I mean, you'd think it would've been a great idea from the start to have Pinkie and Cheese work together to host Rainbow's party, because, you know, simple math. Awesome plus awesome has got to equal super awesome, right? Heck, that's what you guys were saying at the start!
"But then for some reason, everyone's just like, 'Yo, this Cheese guy who just showed up is showing off some really awesome stuff, let's let him do everything!' and kinda just threw Pinkie to the gutter? Even though initially, Rainbow was like, 'two party planners equal perfect'?"
Everyone looked away, slightly embarassed.
"We did apologize for that though..." Twilight said.
I released yet another low scream of frustration.
"It was all up to Pinkie to realize things were getting worse... because of a problem she probably can't even be blamed for. And after Pinkie comes to her senses faster than anyone here, you're all like, 'Yeah, Pinkie, you're great, no one could actually replace you!' but none of you acted like that until Pinkie and Cheese came to a resolution by talking it out!"
I was going to have an aneurism by this point, but I made my final point. "Like, did you just all spontaneously forget she was one of your best friends or something?!"
I let out a final tired gasp. "Seriously, guys. Work on your communication skills..." I looked at Cheese Sandwich. "You—" I paused. Then I looked at Pinkie. "—Both of you, actually—especially. Communication skills. Were you ever going to tell Pinkie what she did for you?"
"Of course!" Cheese said. "I mean, I didn't think all this would happen but..." he trailed off.
That whole tirade seemed to leave everyone in silence for a couple moments.
"So..." Rainbow said. "It's my birth-iversary, and now Pinkie and Cheese together gotta throw me a bash!" she said, trying to get back to topic.
It worked, and everyone was mostly back in the celebratory spirit.
"Yeah!" Pinkie said.
Cheese agreed. "Let's go!"
They collected their various implements, like the Party Cannon and Party Tank, and went off to go headline Rainbow's birth-iversary together.
<<+>>
The party continued into the dusk, with a final song. Apparently during a proper musical sequence, Twilight can actually dance. However, all things come to an end. By the conclusion, we found Cheese readying to head out, waiting under a tree.
"Cheese Sandwich!" Rainbow exclaimed. "Oh, I gotta tell ya, you and Pinkie have totally made this the best birthday/anniversary super combo ever! Hah, it's totally—"
"Epic?" Cheese finished.
"Yeah, it is!"
"That's all I needed to hear, little filly." Donning his western outfit from earlier, he began to leave, but left a box for Pinkie.
She opened it up, revealing Boneless the rubber chicken.
"Just a little memento of my visit," Cheese said.
"You're giving me your special rubber chicken friend?" Pinkie asked.
"Oh, he's not the only one," Cheese grinned, pulling out another rubber chicken. Then he walked off into the sunset.
"I never did get that pony's name," Pinkie said, just finalizing the whole 'wandering loner' thing for the pseudo-western theme.
Cue everyone else—"Cheese Sandwich!"
"Oh, yeah!"